Ark

Hello. This is a strange one for me to write, but I can't find any advice for this particular issue elsewhere.

I have a friend who I would consider to be quite close to, except I only know him over the internet. I have spoken to him over microphone plenty of times, and we type-chat over things like Skype quite regularly. I've known him for a few years now.

A few months ago he admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, and that he's wanting to quit. Fastforward to now and he will still occasionally contact me after he's been drinking. We'll send a few messages back and forth, and then he'll admit (without me needing to prompt) that he's been drinking a lot.

How should I react to that? I don't want him to think I'm looking down on him for it, because I'm not, but I also don't want him to think it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm very concerned that he's still drinking.

As a little background to why he drinks; he's very socially awkward, so he drinks alone. This, I now realise, is why he makes so many friends online, because he struggles to do it in person. This is my main problem, because if I 'scare' him away by keep bringing it up or saying I'm disappointed or whatever, he won't stop drinking. He'll just stop being honest about it. And if I break off contact, he'll drink more, because he's paranoid about not being able to hold down any friendships. But likewise I don't feel right just ignoring it, especially knowing that he wants to quit.

The most common advice I've heard only applies to friends you meet in person, like "only meet up with them in non-alcoholic places/activities", but of course that doesn't apply here. All I have is what I say to him.

So how should I react? The two most common things are a casual statement or an embarrassed/guilty one, depending on his mood, of "I've been drinking a lot". Is there anything I should definitely say, or perhaps more important anything I should definitely AVOID saying?

Thanks in advance.

Admiral

Why not point him in the direction of this site? If he says that he's been drinking a lot lately then admit that you don't know how to help him but the people here will. No one will judge or point fingers, because we've all been there before and can relate to his problems.

If he doesn't want to then that's his business, the most important thing you have to realize is that it's not your job to fix him. You can show him the way to help and be there to listen, but you can't fix what's wrong with him, he has to do that himself. If people could fix alcoholism and drug abuse for other people, then there wouldn't be any of us left, it's a very personal discovery of oneself. Good luck and hopefully we'll hear from him soon.

livingsober

Can you essentially share with him what you've just shared with us here? Something like... "Hey I don't want you to think I'm looking down on you (because I'm not) but I also don't want you to think I don't care about you and your well-being (because I do)... So just let me ask - do you want to talk about your drinking? Do you want help (you may want to qualify this by telling him that you're not the best person to provide help, but are happy to encourage him and help him find resources)."

And another more direct tack would be just to ask "do you ever want to quit drinking" and see where the discussion goes.

I'm not sure of the context of the relationship, so I'm not sure if either of these approaches would fit. I will say three things: 1) you sound like you have the right heart, and can proceed in a spirit of being open and honest with that as your guide, 2) alcoholics who are at the end of their rope want (and need) desperately someone to talk about their problem with, and want encouragement that they can get out, 3) it's better to err on the side of encouraging him to open up about this than worrying about him shutting down. But it's okay to let him know that you are grappling with that challenge.

Finally, if you feel you are over your head in offering guidance, I agree with Admiral that pointing him to resources such as this can help you both. I'm sure you know not to take it upon yourself to try solving this yourself. But maybe you can give him a nudge in the right direction, and encourage him.

Interested to hear how things progress. Thank you so much from all of us in the community for caring and for reaching out on your friend's behalf. Those of us who have pursued or are in recovery benefit greatly from people like you on our path - not as our savior (don't get caught going there) but as a good friend who cares and lets us know that is the case.