justsomeguy

Alright... I am pretty sure I know the answer to this if I ask in my AA group.. and I'm too embarassed to ask there. so I'll ask here.


A little back story. I've been trying to stop drinking for 4 years. I've bounced in and out of AA the entire time.

I've been involved with a very abusive (mentally) marriage for 10 years. My wife drinks heavily. I started drinking heavy a couple years into the marriage.

I went on a horrible run recently that lasted about 3 months. 1/2 to a fifth of vodka a day.

2 weeks after I got sober 3 months ago, I had the final straw with my wife, and I moved out.

My life has gotten much much better, happier and peaceful since leaving my wife.

1 day at a time, and gratitude has really helped me with many aspects of my life other than just drinking.

So... here's the big question. recently, I've started seeing a girl.. She's definitely a normie. She's a fitness junkie, drinks a little red wine from time to time. and she drinks expensive beer. Like $10/bottle from the grocery store! I didn't know such beer existed! We have a great time together, no stress great communication... So... I had a beer with her.. then one night we got A bottle of wine... a little bottle. I had to dump out part of the bottle and some left over in a glass the next morning. (typically in the past I would go through 3 bottles myself in a night). I've had no desire to drink heavily, we've since drank just a little bit a couple nights a week, when we go out, or she stays over. That's it. I've had no desire to get hammered, no desire to drink at work, no desire to get vodka or drink anything alone. I've since been out with some friends and I had 2 beers while I was out with them, and left it at that.

Could it be that I was really using alcohol as an escape from a miserable life, and maybe I'm not an uncontrollable alcoholic? Maybe I'm just a potential problem drinker whose life is coming around to some order??

Not sure what to think.

I appreciate any insight?

Sapling

I haven't tried this since I stopped drinking and I don't plan on it....It sounds like from your history it could be a dangerous thing you are doing....I've seen people slide right back into the misery they were in....I have a friend doing it right now. My advice...Be careful.

Sugarfix

I was 7 months sober last year. I was divorcing my ex husband.

I started dating, and met a guy last November. The first date was the first time I had had a drink since the 2nd June (funeral). I had a few glasses of Wine and got the taste back.

I drank with him lots, which caused problems with fights. He was a spirits drinker. We drank heavily for the 5 months we were together. I left him for someone else - an even heavier drinker! This has gone on for 11 months now, until 6 days ago after many drunken fights, drink driving, arguing, forgetfulness..

.. I am now sober and on my 6th day.

One date started me off on an 11 month binge!


Be very very careful And good luck !

MrsKing

You probably aren't going to get the answer you're looking for, I'm afraid. I doubt anyone here will encourage you to go back to drinking, because we've said so many times "you can get back to your sober life" to people who've tried exactly that. I'm not saying that you are an alcoholic or you aren't... and nobody can answer that question, either. All I can say is that I sincerely hope you think about this (as you obviously are) very seriously - you may be able to control your drinking now, you may be able to live a life in which alcohol doesn't effect you as it used to, but are you willing to take the risk that in the future you will be back to where you were before? Neither you nor us can predict whether that will be the outcome, but only you can decide whether you're willing to take the risk that it could happen.

bbthumper

It is possible. If you want to risk it then see how long controlled drinking lasts. If it continues without problems, then chances are you arent an alcoholic. But, practical experience has proven that an alcoholic wont be able to control his drinking for long.

Go to the first page of "we agnostics" in the Big Book. Ask yourself If you honestly want to quit for good, can you? Or when you do drink , can you always control how much you drink?

Best wishes!

Sapling

Key word being always.

bbthumper

Exactly. There were a handful of times when I had the illusion that I was in control. Stopped at 2 or 3 drinks. Then that illusion would just fuel more drinking the following day or week because I was satisfied that I wasnt alcoholic because I had "control."

Sapling

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

bb pg 30

doggonecarl

I've read where there are people who have demonstrated severe alcohol abuse issues, then returned to normal drinking, as if their abuse was just a phase. Read about it, never experienced it myself.

This is from a post of yours back in 2007, Justsome. What's changed, really...

"Ok, so I stopped drinking again Yesterday. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I tell myself I cannot drink "normally", or one drink.

My problem is always tha same. I quit for a week or two and I think "well, I can drink this one drink, or one night". Usually this is for a special occasion like say, a Tuesday night. I always think I'm in control.

The reality I've come to grips with is every time I have one little drink. It turns into 3 days of missed work, and the disgusting problem of trying to quit again. Sometimes it takes only a couple hours after a first drink before I run to the store and go full boar again, sometimes I drink "normal" for a night, but then wake up early to get something to drink on my way to work the next day, and by that night, I'm a mess again.

I realize now that there is no such thing as one drink with me, so I don't need to rationalize it anymore, or even consider it. I realize if I ever take a look at one glass of wine, one beer, one shot, I'm not saying ok to that one thing. I'm making the decision I'm going to be screwed up for a week.

I'm tired of being screwed up. The longest I remember being sober is 17 days. 16 days to go, till every day is the longest. "

Mizzuno

I, like many, have gone down this road. I thought that after a spell i could drink like a "normal" person. I found myself time and time again drunk and walking the plank of shame the next morning. I still kept trying to control the situation and the amount of alcohol that i drank.
Even after I came to grips with alcohol being a monster in my life, i had one hell of a time quitting. I was praying day in and day out for relief. I needed a miracle to happen.
If you need to experiment then that is what you need to do. I had many experiments. It always led me to the same answer. This is only my experience. Yours could be different.

justsomeguy

Thanks to everyone. Carl, .. everything has pretty much changed. I am no longer with my wife, I'm very happy, I live alone, I have friends again in my life, I have my family back in my life. All of which were basically not possible in my marriage. I'm not saying I know for sure things are "all better" I have no idea.. but for the first time in years.. I'm wondering? Before the only bit of enjoyment I got was from drinking, and then that stopped working, and it was just miserable, can't live with it, can't live without it scenario. Now I have so many other things in my life that I enjoy, I don't think about drinking, I'm just curious if someone else has gone down this path and come out OK. the problem is I'm assuming if they did, they are no longer coming here. or to meetings.

doggonecarl

How much is that due to external conditions? And how much because you are sober?

Listen, you are going to do what you are going to do. To me, it sounds like you are going to test the waters.

I'm sure others have returned to drinking and not experienced the problems they had before. Like you said, they don't post here. Good luck, whatever you do.

elihoping

My father and stepmother joined AA (not the first time) together about 12 years ago. My dad also started seeing a therapist at the same time (my stepmum has been seeing a shrink for years). Anyway, three years later, they get drunk together. My stepmum gets straight back on the wagon and has never touched another drop since. My dad started drinking again.

Previous to that time in AA, my dad was a very unpleasant drunk. Violent, out of control. He has never returned to being that same drunk, apart from being a bit bitchy when he's had a few. He drinks one beer and half a bottle of wine a night, every night. So he does control his drinking. But...having said all that...I still think the drinking controls him. When he goes on a health kick and stops drinking for a couple of weeks, he gets uptight and quite irritable. He definitely needs those few drinks to unwind in the evening and he is incapable of relaxing without alcohol.

So, yeah, I do think you can possibly learn to control your drinking but I'm not sure it's the healthiest option.

PaperDolls

I think this is something many of us go through with our drinking. I know I did. Today, I know I am an alcoholic. From the age of 16 my drinking has never been normal. As alcoholism does, it progressed. It got worse. To the point of hopelessness and desperation.

The thing is, for me to quit and stay stopped, I had to believe I was an alcoholic and then take steps to work on it. Many friends in my life told me I was and I just thought they were jerks. I knew what was best for me. No one else did and they certainly didn't understand me. It was just time to drop them and get new friends.

My point is that it really doesn't matter what any of us here think or say. If you are an alcoholic, you will have to come to that conclusion on your own.

Either way, I wish you all the best. Glad to hear your life is happy right now.

silly

Wouldn't the better option be to stay sober? What is the reason you decided to start drinking again? So you didn't have to tell her you have/had a problem? Given that this girl is so wonderful, a fitness freak and doesn't drink much, why would she care if you didn't drink at all? If you were honest with her, I'd think she'd stop drinking with you all together.

Here's the thing: you know what drinking has done to you and relationships. Can you really look in the mirror and say that your ex-wife, your unhappiness, your lack of self-esteem, your lack of contact with your family is 100% to blame for your drinking? And if that's true, what will happen if you're relationship gets bad or you lose your job or you drink too much, or a family member dies or, or, or, or, or.... Why not try this relationship without alcohol to complicate it? What's the drive to have it again? I think you know the answer to that question.....

Jfanagle

I have made it a rule that when I am asked by someone to give my opinion of whether or not they are an "alcoholic" I choose to respond by re-phrasing the inquiry to "do you have an alcohol problem?

I think it best to test that question with "does the consumption of alcohol interfere with your life?" That is a much simpler test from my perspective than defining one as an alcoholic, since that term is difficult to define in its own right.

Perhaps if you choose to, ask yourself if you feel that you have an alcohol problem. I would also suggest that you might want to decide if alcohol ADDS anything to your life?

Just my thoughts.

Jon

NYCDoglvr

I knew I was an alcoholic when I realized I couldn't stop drinking. I can not drink today. But when I pick up a drink I can't control my intakes or blackouts. That's alcoholism. Ask yourself if anyone you know who isn't an alcoholic would be writing about booze. Simply put, alcoholics are people whose lives improve when they stop drinking. Do you have a sponsor? I suggest getting one and talking about this directly.

Misguided

I'll be short, to the point, and I have two examples to share.

I would be shocked if anyone on this board would say anything other than "if you are asking the question then there must be a problem." or something similar.

My boyfriend did a lot of daily drinking to cover up feelings/deal with life for a long period of time (like an alcoholic). He quit drinking COMPLETELY for 3 years and now drinks like a "normal" person. He is a fitness junkie and can limit himself to that one fancy glass of wine every now and again. He is not an alcoholic, and I don't see him ending up back where he was -- I've known him for 6 years and not once have I seen any progressive stages of alcoholism in him. (And I met him after he started drinking again)

I, on the other hand, had a slow progression to alcoholism but like you, used alcohol to cover up life issues. In the beginning, I used it just to deal with my ex who was the most annoying drunk ever. Eventually I used it to deal with everything including breathing. The patterns I had in the past, and the thoughts I have now are those of an alcoholic. As much as I'd like to drink again, it would not be very wise on my part to do so.

There are questions you can answer to figure out if you are an alcoholic (20 Questions of Alcoholics Anonymous), but the only person to know if you can control it is you. If alcohol is interfering with your life or you are losing control again, then obviously you should stay away.

Mark75

I think you want to drink. That's understandable.

Let's see... 3 months sober after 10 years of drinking, heavy drinking, maybe alcoholic drinking... You joined here 6 years ago, have been trying to quit for four. You had a terrible marriage and apparently she's to blame... and you drank a fifth of booze a day... well... now you are entering a new relationship with a healthy active woman who drinks only the good stuff, but only a little bit... and you want to be like her.

You are not sure what to think.

I am not surprised... YOU ARE ONLY 3 MONTHS OUT OF A BAD MARRIAGE AND INSANELY HEAVY DRINKING... for chrissakes...

I wouldn't be so harsh, but you are involving another person in your, well, IDK... insanity? Seriously dude, get your sh1t together before you unleash yourself on healthy, active, fit "normal" women... or, really, any woman.

When you no longer have to ask, once you know, alcoholic or not, recovered or not, whose really to blame for the failed marriage... then start dating again... you owe it to the women with whom you enter into relationships with...

Sorry... you asked.

silly

Mark75 is right on target again this week. JustSomeGuy, take it slow. There are no answers today or tomorrow. But I don't think you'll get answers at all and I don't think you'll keep the girl if you don't put down the really expensive beer. But, I'm wrong as much as I am right.
If you honestly hit a long bad patch and you're out of it now, that's awesome. Don't look back and don't come back! I mean that in the best way possible!