lookingtolive

Day one has come and gone like it always has but last nights sleepless slumber was unlike any first days I've ever had. Not only for the first time was I willing to accept that sleep will not come so easily and that getting upset or angry wasn't the solution, I came to realize something.

I came to realize that for the better part of my life I was constantly depressed, depressed child, depressed teen. I lied and hurt people constantly for enjoyment, just to know that others were suffering. When I turned 17 I changed my ways, I began righting all my wrongs and suddenly a beautiful life unraveled before my eyes. It was a complete 360, I no longer felt ashamed to walk in the sunlight, to be apart of the day to laugh and smile with all the truth of my heart.

I didn't drink as an ode to life as I had previously thought. Heck, I didn't even drink because I was depressed. I drank because I needed something to be depressed about. But that's not right. Having a life filled with balance isn't punishment, it's achievement. Why would I ever want to take that away from myself? Sadness is just an emotion that needs to be fed like all the others, but this is not the way to do it.

I also cried my heart out for the first time last night and it wasn't because I wanted and couldn't have a drink, it was due to the thought that one day I may talk myself back into having that one drink and knowing that I may not be able to stop so easily.

It's like putting a gun to your head and playing roulette until the bullet finally flies, and you need to ask yourself this question; "Do you really want to sentence yourself to that?"

I also came to understand that while drinking creates this big blur making life appear almost surreal, this ain't a dream world honey, it's you're life you messed with (I actually used the F word hehe).

It was a good night, one of the most positive and reassuring experiences I have ever had. I feel like I re-bonded with the part of me that loves and loves and loves, I like her.

All in all, you may not have had a depressing life and maybe thats what your problem is, you just have this emotion this desire to live dangerously and in constant grief. To know what pain and suffering feels like because it's naturally engrained within us. My advice, go sky diving instead!

I know it's going to be a constant battle, but I love to write and picking up a pen last night and spelling out my thoughts on paper was the most helpful thing I'd ever done. I feel like a part of me finally laid down the ground work, set me up for a future in which temptation will always be present, how much do you love yourself will be the question I will have to ask when faced with these trials. Are you willing to kill yourself for no other good reason? You don't have to die a drunk if you dont want to, that ball is in your court.

RobbyRobot

I wouldn't worry about talking yourself back into drinking, you know? When we have good reason to quit, and we're honest about ourselves to ourselves, we don't just drink anyways simply from having an internal argument with ourselves.

I do remember not really quitting drinking, just slowing down and stopping between drinks, not quitting, and yes, going back to drinking in spades.

Really quitting, I've only had to do once, and I've never gone back. Not really quitting, I've done hundreds of times, and always returned back to being drunk.

Its not like playing roulette when we do it right -- quit the booze for good and all --

Yeah, drinking does create a life of delusions and broken dreams for the person who wants to quit and hasn't quit as yet...

CarolD

I did find keeping a recovery journal useful in my early years.
I'm glad you have started one...

Recovery is a lot more than not drinking...it required more than that
for me to learn how to live with joy and purpose.

hope this will be your time for positive changes ..and it certainly can be