Girlfriend cant seem to get over my past, Am I being selfish by moving on?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Posts: 23
Girlfriend cant seem to get over my past, Am I being selfish by moving on?
She has told me a few times that she still cant get over somethings I did while I was drinking. I really did put her through hell, having her worry about me all the time when I was drinking, not being there while she was pregnant, not being there in the begining of our babys life, spending all my money on booze/coke not giving her much at all...
I was in really bad shape at the time of her pregnancy, when she was in labour I showed up at the hospital with one running shoe and one dress shoe, a black eye and a doffle bag full of beer which i drank in the bathroom stall while waiting. But even then I knew if I didnt make it, it would be something I would never get over.
Now that I have been sober for over two months, things have been going great between us, so its not like shes constantly nagging me about it. But she has bought it up a couple times "i cant get over what you were like" yesterday she said she still cant seem to forgive me.
I know for my self it doesnt do any good to dwell on the past and shame my self, that wont get me anywhere. I think the only thing I can do to make up for that is to move on and do good while I can. I think that for her is hard, seeing me be happy after all that crap I did, I think deep inside she may want me to feel guilty, but still be the father I need to be. I think she may want me to feel a little carma...
Im just wondering what you think?
Do you think she wants me to feel guilty?
Or does she still think im that same person?
Im starting to wonder if maybe I should feel guilty...?
Am I being selfish?
I was in really bad shape at the time of her pregnancy, when she was in labour I showed up at the hospital with one running shoe and one dress shoe, a black eye and a doffle bag full of beer which i drank in the bathroom stall while waiting. But even then I knew if I didnt make it, it would be something I would never get over.
Now that I have been sober for over two months, things have been going great between us, so its not like shes constantly nagging me about it. But she has bought it up a couple times "i cant get over what you were like" yesterday she said she still cant seem to forgive me.
I know for my self it doesnt do any good to dwell on the past and shame my self, that wont get me anywhere. I think the only thing I can do to make up for that is to move on and do good while I can. I think that for her is hard, seeing me be happy after all that crap I did, I think deep inside she may want me to feel guilty, but still be the father I need to be. I think she may want me to feel a little carma...
Im just wondering what you think?
Do you think she wants me to feel guilty?
Or does she still think im that same person?
Im starting to wonder if maybe I should feel guilty...?
Am I being selfish?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I think sometimes we have the subconscious expectation that because 2 months seems like an eternity to us, and we've accomplished so much, that it must be an eternity for our partner too.
I drank for a long long time - I did a lot of really screwed up stuff...and 8 weeks just wasn't long enough for some (actually most) people to even start trusting and forgiving me yet.....
If it was me...I'd try and be a little more patient and understanding.... especially with a family involved.
Only you know how you feel tho - if you think this is unfair and unconscionable and you've reached the end of your tether...then you have to make whatever choices you see fit, I guess.
D
I drank for a long long time - I did a lot of really screwed up stuff...and 8 weeks just wasn't long enough for some (actually most) people to even start trusting and forgiving me yet.....
If it was me...I'd try and be a little more patient and understanding.... especially with a family involved.
Only you know how you feel tho - if you think this is unfair and unconscionable and you've reached the end of your tether...then you have to make whatever choices you see fit, I guess.
D
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
You've been sober 2 months--and that is simply not enough time for your GF to "get over it."
You are actually pretty lucky that things are generally going well at this point. My guess is that if you keep up the good work, things will continue to improve, and your GF will eventually come to trust you again.
As far as leaving a woman who has had your child because she hasn't forgiven you after this short time? Maybe look at it this way. She gave your baby nine months of her life. At least give her that long before abandoning her!
You are actually pretty lucky that things are generally going well at this point. My guess is that if you keep up the good work, things will continue to improve, and your GF will eventually come to trust you again.
As far as leaving a woman who has had your child because she hasn't forgiven you after this short time? Maybe look at it this way. She gave your baby nine months of her life. At least give her that long before abandoning her!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Hi EternalWinter. You're doing great having two months sober, good going.
It took a while to embed the distrust, and I'm afraid I have to agree with the others who say it will take a while to regain that trust. To you you're healing but to them the wounds are still fresh. It took a while before people stopped looking out of the corner of their eye at me. I don't think you're being selfish but you can't control how fast others start to come around.
Keep on your path reguardless of the outcome.
It took a while to embed the distrust, and I'm afraid I have to agree with the others who say it will take a while to regain that trust. To you you're healing but to them the wounds are still fresh. It took a while before people stopped looking out of the corner of their eye at me. I don't think you're being selfish but you can't control how fast others start to come around.
Keep on your path reguardless of the outcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
My wife still has those type of issues, that and trust.
Just last night she told me she that she fears I might be drinking when I go out for long bike rides. I've been sober 10 1/2 months and going to weekly AA meetings.
I think our significant others have PTSD, and they need recovery just as much as we do.
Remember, we were smashed when we went through our crap and they lived through it all sober.
Just last night she told me she that she fears I might be drinking when I go out for long bike rides. I've been sober 10 1/2 months and going to weekly AA meetings.
I think our significant others have PTSD, and they need recovery just as much as we do.
Remember, we were smashed when we went through our crap and they lived through it all sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, congratulations on your sobriety. 
Although I knew I had hurt my family so profoundly during my years of active alcoholism/addiction, I didn't fully grasp how much until my oldest daughter became an addict.
It took years for my family to forgive me, and rightfully so.
"I'm sorry" just didn't cut it for amends. The best I could do was make living amends. I work my recovery as though my life depends on it because it does!
Your girlfriend has a right to feel as she does. She is damaged by the effects of your alcoholism and is hurt to the core. I highly recommend not coming up with "motives" for what she does.
Whether she seeks some form of recovery for herself or not is up to her.
Whether you continue to focus on and work on your recovery is up to you.
Although I knew I had hurt my family so profoundly during my years of active alcoholism/addiction, I didn't fully grasp how much until my oldest daughter became an addict.
It took years for my family to forgive me, and rightfully so.
"I'm sorry" just didn't cut it for amends. The best I could do was make living amends. I work my recovery as though my life depends on it because it does!
Your girlfriend has a right to feel as she does. She is damaged by the effects of your alcoholism and is hurt to the core. I highly recommend not coming up with "motives" for what she does.
Whether she seeks some form of recovery for herself or not is up to her.
Whether you continue to focus on and work on your recovery is up to you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmmmm..
Not sure what you mean by moving on.
You do have obligations/responsibilities to your son and his Mom
that will need to be handled for at least 18 more years
Being a sober Dad is a good start...but only a start..
ifWhen I begin working my AA Steps...I found all sorts of
ways to improve my life in all areas.
Includeing how to deal with guilt and remorse.
All my best to the 3 of you ..
Not sure what you mean by moving on.
You do have obligations/responsibilities to your son and his Mom
that will need to be handled for at least 18 more years
Being a sober Dad is a good start...but only a start..
ifWhen I begin working my AA Steps...I found all sorts of
ways to improve my life in all areas.
Includeing how to deal with guilt and remorse.
All my best to the 3 of you ..
Last edited by CarolD; 09-16-2012 at 10:01 AM.
Contented
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 124
Hey now,
Move on only if you want to move on, not because your gf can't forgive/forget your past.
Do not feel guilty of the past - rather, acknowledge the past, make amends, clean your side of the street and move forward.
You stated you put her through hell, so it's going to take time for your gf to regain the trust she once had; only through time, and observing your thoughts and deeds, will she see and feel safe and comfortable with the new you.
This is a big transition for her as well; live and let live, work your program, have patience and tolerance, and rebuild your relationship - if you still want it.
Best wishes
Move on only if you want to move on, not because your gf can't forgive/forget your past.
Do not feel guilty of the past - rather, acknowledge the past, make amends, clean your side of the street and move forward.
You stated you put her through hell, so it's going to take time for your gf to regain the trust she once had; only through time, and observing your thoughts and deeds, will she see and feel safe and comfortable with the new you.
This is a big transition for her as well; live and let live, work your program, have patience and tolerance, and rebuild your relationship - if you still want it.
Best wishes
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
this is only a half=azzed analogy but for what it's worth.
getting sober doesn't erase the damage we wracked up while drinking.
just like our financial debts don't go away. We have to pay them off, with interest, before the debt is cleared. It takes time.
It's often that way in relationships. It takes time, and sometimes we have to pay "interest", make up a little more for the damage we've done. It's not the responsibility of those we've hurt to just forgive us. Some relationships don't heal. Just like sometimes no amount of money can truly make restitution.
8 weeks seems pretty quick to me, to expect all to be forgotten. I KNOW how hard those first 8 weeks of clean time are for us. But sometimes we forget how hard it is for those on the outside as well. And looking back, I was clean but dang I was pretty crazy and unpleasant to be around.
i felt like everyone ought to be showering me with kudos over how awesome I was just to have stopped using. While they were still hurting over my using and still very leery of trusting my recovery.
If you want to move on, that is up to you. Maybe she isn't trying to make you feel guilty, maybe she just needs to speak out on how difficult this has all been for HER, and where she is in the process.
getting sober doesn't erase the damage we wracked up while drinking.
just like our financial debts don't go away. We have to pay them off, with interest, before the debt is cleared. It takes time.
It's often that way in relationships. It takes time, and sometimes we have to pay "interest", make up a little more for the damage we've done. It's not the responsibility of those we've hurt to just forgive us. Some relationships don't heal. Just like sometimes no amount of money can truly make restitution.
8 weeks seems pretty quick to me, to expect all to be forgotten. I KNOW how hard those first 8 weeks of clean time are for us. But sometimes we forget how hard it is for those on the outside as well. And looking back, I was clean but dang I was pretty crazy and unpleasant to be around.
i felt like everyone ought to be showering me with kudos over how awesome I was just to have stopped using. While they were still hurting over my using and still very leery of trusting my recovery.
If you want to move on, that is up to you. Maybe she isn't trying to make you feel guilty, maybe she just needs to speak out on how difficult this has all been for HER, and where she is in the process.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I was a pretty functional A for more than a decade, a die-hard/homeless crackhead for a couple of years. I hurt my family and other loved ones a lot.
At 2 months into recovery, I was (an am) living at home and was treated as a 50-year-old teenager - answer my phone when they called or call right back if I couldn't answer it, tell them where I'm going, when I will be home, call if I'm going to be late, etc. Pain in the a$$? Oh yeah, but I brought that on myself. I had given them NO reason to trust me for far longer than a couple of months.
Only you know what you can deal with. I can say that I've got over 5 years in recovery, and for most of those years I've been the responsible and dependable person that my family can count on. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
At 2 months into recovery, I was (an am) living at home and was treated as a 50-year-old teenager - answer my phone when they called or call right back if I couldn't answer it, tell them where I'm going, when I will be home, call if I'm going to be late, etc. Pain in the a$$? Oh yeah, but I brought that on myself. I had given them NO reason to trust me for far longer than a couple of months.
Only you know what you can deal with. I can say that I've got over 5 years in recovery, and for most of those years I've been the responsible and dependable person that my family can count on. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When we're drunk we make all kinds of promises that fall flat. Two months is very early sobriety. If it's going to work out you have to prove you can stay sober and change. But it may be too much damage was done to restore the relationship. I wouldn't move in until you have a better idea of what's going on between you.
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