Someguy23

First of all, I know I'm chattering a lot lately and I'm sorry for it, but my motivation is starting to slip.

I'm not tempted to drink or craving a drink, but it's proving a lot easier to abstain than I thought it would and my AV just LOVES telling me that it proves I'm not an alcoholic.

So I figure I should share why I think I am.
Halloween 2010 is when I knew my drinking was getting out of control.

My first foray into alcohol&drug use was at the beginning of undergrad. I was binge drinking and doing adderall. It was abuse without addiction, when it became a problem (scholastic for the drink, medical for the addy) I quit doing adderall and went back to light social drinking.

I re-started binge drinking when out with friends in 2009 towards the end of my master's. No idea why exactly. I think for awhile, I really was handling it well. I drank a lot when I went out (~8-12 drinks on average) but my behavior while drunk was still safe and socially acceptable, my memory of those evenings is intact and I only went out once a week or every other week.

I'm not sure when I started not handling it that well anymore. I know I started binging more often, by myself if none of my friends were up for it, in summer 2010.

Halloween night now!
I went to a party with 2L of wine, fully intending to get trashed. I drank all my wine and was quite drunk but still sort of fine until a guy started passing a bottle of rum around. I said "watch this" and drank about half of it in one shot.

That's pretty much the last thing I remember doing. That's right, this is the story of my first blackout ever. From what I was told, I'm pretty sure I had alcohol poisoning. I also stripped and made advances at a married woman.

After I regained conciousness, I left the party and went into a bar where I started a fistfight with the bouncer. I lost. I think I lost conciousness a second time from blood loss, eventually came back to and walked it off.

So naturally, after such an obvious and undeniable sign I had a problem, I stopped binge drinking and cut down on the occasional beers, right...

I am so funny

It took a failed relationship, a situation where I very nearly died (drunken rock climbing), a brief return to hard stimulants, two more blackouts, 10kgs of fat and God knows how many social embarassments and risky situations before I did anything.

It's quite mind-boggling really that I knew I should do something by November 2010 but didn't do anything until August 2011, didn't make any long-term plan until February 2012 and didn't actually stop drinking until July 2012. Isn't that pretty much the definition of addiction? Knowing you have a problem but refusing to do anything about it? Hopefully, this will shut my AV up for awhile.

Sorry for writing such a novel. I'd be grateful for a bit of support.

aeo1313

I have always known something wasn't quite right with my binges, but up until 3-4 years ago they were only once a month or less so I tried not to worry about them. 4 years ago I got a new co-worker and that seems to be a "highlight" in my drinking pattern. I would go to her house (and it was only a few times) but nothing good ever came of our drinking together. I got "asked" to leave a bar one night with her for hitting on girl's boyfriends. One night she had a party and it didn't end well at all. *hit happened and I woke the next day wanting to die. I couldn't handle the guilt etc. I googled some alcohol tests- but I didn't seem to be textbook alcoholic since I was a periodic binger. My husband never blamed my drinking and instead blamed others at the party (he has always been forgiving of anything I've done drunk which never gave me a reason to stop).

I stopped hanging out with those people, but it seems my drinking appetite had been wetted. fast forward 4 years and add in 10 months of vicodin abuse and here I am...clean and sober.

CarolD

For me ...when my drinking turned me into a depressed woman
I detested was when I decided....regardless of anything else....

I wanted to quit more than I wanted to drink.

i certainly hope this will be your time for a new
sober future/lifestyle.....

Someguy23

I forgot to say, the worst part (and my AV loves it) is that I always got away with it.

The break-up? That was coming anyway.
Halloween night? After my head stopped bleeding, I didn't even need stitches.
The rock climbing? Nothing happened except skinned knees and extreme dehydration.
All those times I pissed my friends off? They forgot and forgave.
All those times I walked around town wasted? The police didn't pick me up once.

I probably used up about 7 years worth of good luck, but again it's hard to shut up the voice saying that since nothing much happened, it was nothing.

aeo1313

I should add- in college I had probably a handful of negative experiences with guys while drunk but that NEVER slowed down my drinking. It horrifies me to think about that now. I kept putting myself in the same situation week after week.

Finally, at 36, I feel I have some control over my life.

aeo1313

I get it- along with my AV I have my husband who says "no big deal". Seriously? No big deal? I passed out on the toilet and he had to wipe *hit off me--no big deal? I opened the car door of the freeway--no big deal?

Both your AV and my husband are idiots in this respect

Someguy23

I didn't know you were such a "party girl" aeo!

But yeah, my AV is an idiot. Or maybe it wants me to die. Halloween night was disgusting but I don't think I was ever in actual danger. That rock climbing thing however? Holy God!

I was in Spain for a conference, drank a 6-pack of 10% beer mixed with caffeine pills and then went out hiking under the 2 o'clock sun (what could be more rational?). I made it to a hill then started up a rockface (trails are for losers) and I remember standing above a 50m drop (not huge but enough) on a ledge maybe 30cm wide, keeling over and nearly passing out from dehydration...

I actually have no idea how come I didn't drop. When I got to the top I was so scared my chest was almost tearing open from pain. The ****** up thing is, even that wasn't enough to convince me to stop!

aeo1313

The sad thing is that I was so sad to say good bye to the "party girl" even though she was getting older and just not as cute anymore.

Glad you made it through your rock climbing...probably a sport best to be experienced while sober

Someguy23

I wish I was as confident as you are Carol, I really do. I keep doing a sort of mental back and forth on this.

Some days I feel motivated and certain I'm doing the right thing. It is undeniable that my life is better when I'm not drinking. Other days I feel that I'm overreacting and missing out on my youth by not drinking. It is equally undeniable that it was a lot of fun.

I realize I'm complaining because I didn't have it too hard, but I feel that if I was truly addicted, it should have been harder to stop drinking... I never experienced anything remotely like withdrawals.

On the other hand, if I wasn't addicted, I would have done something about it back in November 2010, right? In fact, would I even have an AV if I wasn't addicted?

I've comitted to staying sober for two years and I'm not known for backing out of a comittment once I make it. I really hope it'll be long enough to figure out wether I'm an alcoholic or an idiot (I realize those things aren't mutually exclusive).

P.S.
Getting older is inevitable (the alternative is worse) but stick with your jogging and not drinking and you might be surprised about the cute part. I certainly look more attractive without the puffiness and excess weight, and if you're 36 that's not exactly geriatric.

ReadyAndAble

Why just for two years? Why on earth would you ever want to drink again, considering all you've described?

Also, you're using the term AV. It's getting popularized now—which is great—so I won't assume that means you're necessarily following AVRT.... But if you are trying to utilize AVRT, you should know it requires a lifelong commitment. It's the core of the approach—the whole point of it, in fact. As long as your AV knows you will one day give it a drink, it remains as strong as ever. Doesn't matter if that day is tomorrow or 10 years from tomorrow.

Someguy23

I'm not following AVRT but I am using some techniques from it.

I've stated this before but I don't want to make a lifelong commitment until I'm sure I want a lifelong commitment. I've definitely shown signs of addiction, but plenty of people go through periods of heavier drinking at some points in their life.

If you asked me right now "do you want to never drink again?", I couldn't honestly answer "yes"... but it's still early days for me and my brain still isn't processing things quite correctly as far as alcohol is concerned.

I drank heavily for two years before deciding it's not the direction I want my life to go in. I don't want to make any final decisions right now because I don't trust myself to make a good decision until I've tried both lifestyles equally. If nothing else, it'll give my liver a respite.

As for what I'll do in two years, who cares, I could get run over by a truck tomorrow...

ReadyAndAble

Ah, but see, you don't have a track record of being run over repeatedly by trucks.

Hopefully you'll change your mind. Based upon everything I've read on SR, I think it's unlikely you'll change the nature of your relationship to alcohol.

I'm not trying to bum you out, though. I think it's great you're doing this. And my guess is that in a few months, you'll take stock of your life, and realize it's a lot better without any booze at all.

Glad you're here, SG.

redneckrecovery

Someguy23 said something that just really struck me. It was about always getting away with it. I have always been jaded and still am. I was always upset at my horrible luck. I could never catch a brake. I never seriously hurt anyone or got in trouble with the law when i was drinking. During my sober days i could never figure it out. I always thought God was a jerk and i was his practicle joke.

I have just realized i was cashing in all my luck with him, with God just keeping me alive and out of serious trouble. I now realize God has done way more than I deserve and he owes me nothing and i owe him more than i can ever repay.

Thanks Someguy for making me realize that.