Kelltic

Today is day 12 sober. I was a (not so) secret sporadic binge drinker. And I had an unfortunate habit of calling people when under the influence. Today my husband (with my permission) told his mom where I was (two AA meetings) when she asked. She was genuinely happy (she attends Narcanon), as she had been worried. It came to light that I had called her once right before I went to bed. She was away and sent my brother-in-law to check on my son (who was sleeping in bed). I was going up the stairs to bed when he showed and I barely made it up. I don't remember this.

I know there is a lot I don't remember (I would black out after as few as three glasses of wine). I've been up and down since surrendering and admitting I'm an alcoholic., but feeling mostly peaceful. I go to meetings daily and I'm actively working the steps. But the shame and guilt have reared their ugly heads again. I'm wondering how long the things I did are going to come back to haunt me.

Anyone else have experience with this?

2granddaughters

I've only been at this for 23 years... but the dust is finally beginning to settle

Things will pop up for a while and you will be embarrassed a bit.... but soon you will be putting together a string of days that you will be proud of, not ashamed of. "This too shall pass".

All the best.

Bob R

candi7

I've done shameful things while drunk-oh heck yes! But that's the old me. I can't focus on her anymore, I gotta keep my eyes forward (can't drive looking in the rear view mirror)... And the longer we stay sober, the further those memories go-especially as you work the steps. We really have to focus on the here and now-one moment or one day at a time. Then one day when you go to AA, you will be able to share from your experience, strength and hope and help someone else who feels that guilt and shame.. That's the way it works... so all that suffering all that shame-is not in vain.. you can help someone as long as you work the program.. So chin up girl! Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt-and off to a new adventure. And look at it this way, it sounds like your mother in law supports you on your journey-forget the shame and be thankful..

Kelltic

Thanks so much. I prayed but didn't fight the feelings. And they have passed and my serenity is back. And I have had a big reminder as to why I am sober.

Hevyn

Kelltic - I strongly suggest you don't go down that road. Guilt, regret, remorse can consume us if we let them. It's fine to acknowledge that bad things happened, but if you dwell on them you won't be able to move forward. When I tried to get sober the first time, it was the memories of things I'd done that haunted me and caused me to pick up again.

Holding your head high and living well is going to show everyone who you are today. Eventually, people will forget the way things used to be - and the old memories will stop haunting you.

Kelltic

Thanks Hevyn. The big gift I got from accepting the first step was freedom not just from the alcohol obsession but also the guilt and shame I was carrying around. I was ok after about an hour. I didn't want to drink, and it was a reminder of how sick I was, how my problem is not so secret, and what I NEVER want to go back to...and to live in the day.

I'm realizing that bad feelings are going to come up - they are a part of life. I pray, I called my sponsor, I posted here, I avoided mentally obsessing, and it passed.

murrill

I was a "drunk dialer," too, and I don't recall most of what I did or said during those times. I found that I was much less ashamed of myself when I shared my history with others--and found that I was not terribly unique. I discovered that other people did not judgement as harshly as I judged myself. As I made amends I found the cloud of shame was lifting.
Somewhere along the way I found comfort in a middle ground, a spiritual (not religious) place, that was neither self-flaggellating nor irresponsible. It was where I could make amends and forgive myself. And move on.

Sapling

You're doing the right things Kelltic...Every day you don't drink will get better...I started getting some noticeable relief after completing my fifth step with my sponsor....Just keep moving forward.

tomsteve

good on ya, kelltic!! i had a looooot of wreckage i left in my wake while drinking. i was a blackout drunk,too. cant count the amount of times i was told what i had done and said the night before and hearing that brought up overwhelming guilt, so i would drink again to try and forget it, only i usually just added something else to drink to try and forget.

when i got into AA, i learned i didnt do what i did because i was a bad person. i did it all because i was a sick person. as i worked the steps, i saw the exact nature of my actions and what made/makes me tick and had the solution to change me.

i can still have things from my past pop up in conversation, when i was drinking. today i can say, yup, i did that. i was quite a sick man. what a blessing i aint him any more!"

i can also have em pop up just in my own thinkin.i used to dwell on em, start kickin myself in the arse, then have to put in a lot of footwork to get my self esteem back up to a good level. as time has gone on, i am able to catch myself quicker when them thoughts pop up and ask God for forgiveness, then turn my thoughts to something more useful.
it doesnt happen like that all the time. i can still dwell on my past and get pretty goofed up in my head and breakin out the arse kikin machine. a call to my sponsor or others in recovery who guide me through the steps on my sick thinkin finds the problem and the solution every time.
first things first
live and let live
take it easy.

DayTrader

Shame and guilt figured quite prominently in early sobriety. I'd finally get past a couple things then 4 would pop up. Then two more......then some others. It seemed like it was never-ending.

That stuff STILL pops up today - 5+ yrs later. The big difference is that now I've got better tools for dealing with it and it doesn't hurt me as badly or for as long as it used to.

Jeni26

This thread is really helping me too as I'm about to start Step 4.
I'm putting it off as some things are so painful to remember, I can start spiralling quite quickly. I want to move past this so much. Living in guilt and shame can overwhelm me. Time to get the pen out again...Thankyou x

stairs

Yes huge problems with this. We had a span of about 4 years there that, between my husband , daughter and myself, constant involvement in rehabs and drug court and police and just whew. One thing that keeps me going back to beer is over thinking this stuff, how I handled it wrong, how I could have handled it better, oh poor me my daughter is so young etc etc etc what lousy parents we were/are, etc etc etc ad nauseum.

BUT. It's time to let go of all that stuff and get better. I always minimized the extent of my own issues, lied about it.

Husband and daughter are both doing very well and now I'm the one they're worried about. Time to come clean and focus on RECOVERY, not just abstaining while I pretend not to have any underlying issues.

I really like that, "you can't drive looking in the rear view mirror".

tomsteve

yes, theres some painful stuff that comes up. however, there is a reason why the steps are in the order they are in. steps 1-3 prepare us and give us the strength and courage to face it. thats why the 3rd step says,"we thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could finally abandon ourselves utterly to Him."

utterly- completely; absolutely, entirely;

that is how we get the strength and courage to do the 4th step( from our higher power). it may be painful to face it, but it wont cause ya any harm this time. it will help you get weller. then there will come a day you will be able to use the knowledge of what ya find to help someone else.