Looking for Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 12
Looking for Help
Hello Everyone,
I'm completely new to this forum, but based on what I've read here so far, I think I can find the right kind of support that I need at this point in my life.
I'm writing because for the past six months or so I've been feeling quite guilty about the amount of alcohol I consume.
In my world--academia--heavy drinking is kind of more or less normal. All of my close friends drink, are highly respected academics, they publish, and are extremely productive. But I'm pretty sure most of them don't drink every single day, and if they do, they often have just a drink or two, with a couple nights of moderate to heavy drinking per week. But, in my case, I can't remember the last evening I didn't have a drink. More, I can't remember the last evening I had just a single drink. I can't even remember the last evening I had just two drinks. I consistently drink more than a six pack of beer every evening, with the occasional couple shots of bourbon to make things interesting. Lately, I've been drinking nearly, if not more than, twelve beers a night. I start drinking immediately when I get home from work, around 4:30, and I drink all the way up to bedtime. I get up in the morning, and I don't crave alcohol, at noon I don't crave alcohol, but by 4 I'm in need of it. This pattern has persisted and progressed for the past four years. Before that, I was a graduate student for seven years, and while I did drink mostly everyday--two or three at night, sometimes more--my heavy drinking spouts were limited to Friday's and Saturdays. Now, what were heavy drinking spouts in graduate school are my normal drinking habits--every night. I have acquired such a tolerance for alcohol that I have to continue to add more bottles to my nightly routine, just so that I can veg out, relax, and forget about all the work I have to do the next morning, week, etc. It's gotten to the point that hangovers come very seldom, and when they do come, I feel "normal" by about 9 or 10am. Which, on the practical side of things, has been beneficial for my teaching. Teaching while hungover is really miserable.
This past week, I saw a counselor about anxiety, mild depression (which has been getting worse the past few months), and other related issues, and the topic of my drinking came up. She proceeded to give me four tests, each of which had a series of yes/no questions. On the first three tests, I scored in the alcoholic range, and on the fourth I scored in the borderline alcoholic range. This, to be honest, wasn't surprising to me, considering that I've been questioning my alcohol consumption recently.
My issue with alcohol is simply the amount of it I drink, the reasons I give myself to drink, the fact that my entire social life must involve it, and the fact that the idea of stopping for only a week makes my skin crawl. My behavior when I drink doesn't really change, except that I slur my speech a bit, and recently I've been tending more to kind of shut off from the world, my wife, and my life generally. I'm not abusive either verbally or physically; I've never missed a single day of work because of it; my hangovers aren't really that bad; I'm a productive academic; I've never had a blackout, never been in trouble with the law, etc.
In all, I'm pretty sure I'm a high-functioning alcoholic (if there is such a thing, and I'm more than open to the idea that what counts as "functioning" is subjective), and if I didn't have a family (or at least a small child), I probably wouldn't consider myself to be in any crisis, except for whatever health-related issues surrounding consistent high-alcohol consumption that might arise for me later down the road. But, given that I have a small child, I have become very concerned about the sustainability of being a high-functioning alcoholic. I envision the following scenario happening in a few years from now: My son joins a little-league baseball team, and his games and practices are in the late afternoon. This will cause me severe anxiety. If I continue this persistent pattern of drinking every evening, I don't know if in a few years from now I would be able to completely discharge my fatherly duties. I want to be in my child's life, I want to support him in little-league, etc., but I'm pretty sure I would be completely conflicted, and maybe even resent the fact that instead of being home or at the bar filling myself with drink, I'm at the ball park with him. This scenario alone leads me to believe that my drinking is not sustainable, or at least it's not sustainable if I want to be a good father, which I do. It's just unhealthy, and the more I think about it the more I'm admitting to myself that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
In any case, my counselor recommended that I stop by an AA meeting soon and then also make an appointment at an outpatient chemical dependency facility. To be honest, the idea of going to AA scares the the living day lights out of me, and no doubt this is because I have a kind of preconceived notion of what a "true" alcoholic is like, and, well, as I keep telling myself, "I'm just not one of them.: AA has always seemed to me to be for those who have truly hit rock bottom, who are just no longer able to function normally, who have lost their families, friends, jobs, etc. I know this is probably false. But I'm just ignorant about alcoholism.
In any case, I have made an appointment with my GP for this Monday, and I've decided that I need to be (as I have not in the past) as honest with him as I can be about my drinking habits, my desire to have a healthy life (I've gained about 25 pounds this year alone), to live without the awful feelings I'm having about alcohol and my relationship to it, etc. The reason I'm going to my GP is because I'm very, very nervous about the idea of self-detoxing, given the amount of alcohol I drink and for how long I've been drinking it, I (1) don't think can do it on my own, and (2) don't think I can do it without medical assistance. I'm hoping he can shed some light on my situation.
Anyways, sorry to ramble for so long. I guess I'm just looking for some ideas of ways to deal with all of this...and some support. My wife is very supportive, but she has always been a social drinker, and so I thought it would be good to just say hello to everyone here, and announce that I'm an alcoholic and that I need help.
Thanks so much!!
I'm completely new to this forum, but based on what I've read here so far, I think I can find the right kind of support that I need at this point in my life.
I'm writing because for the past six months or so I've been feeling quite guilty about the amount of alcohol I consume.
In my world--academia--heavy drinking is kind of more or less normal. All of my close friends drink, are highly respected academics, they publish, and are extremely productive. But I'm pretty sure most of them don't drink every single day, and if they do, they often have just a drink or two, with a couple nights of moderate to heavy drinking per week. But, in my case, I can't remember the last evening I didn't have a drink. More, I can't remember the last evening I had just a single drink. I can't even remember the last evening I had just two drinks. I consistently drink more than a six pack of beer every evening, with the occasional couple shots of bourbon to make things interesting. Lately, I've been drinking nearly, if not more than, twelve beers a night. I start drinking immediately when I get home from work, around 4:30, and I drink all the way up to bedtime. I get up in the morning, and I don't crave alcohol, at noon I don't crave alcohol, but by 4 I'm in need of it. This pattern has persisted and progressed for the past four years. Before that, I was a graduate student for seven years, and while I did drink mostly everyday--two or three at night, sometimes more--my heavy drinking spouts were limited to Friday's and Saturdays. Now, what were heavy drinking spouts in graduate school are my normal drinking habits--every night. I have acquired such a tolerance for alcohol that I have to continue to add more bottles to my nightly routine, just so that I can veg out, relax, and forget about all the work I have to do the next morning, week, etc. It's gotten to the point that hangovers come very seldom, and when they do come, I feel "normal" by about 9 or 10am. Which, on the practical side of things, has been beneficial for my teaching. Teaching while hungover is really miserable.
This past week, I saw a counselor about anxiety, mild depression (which has been getting worse the past few months), and other related issues, and the topic of my drinking came up. She proceeded to give me four tests, each of which had a series of yes/no questions. On the first three tests, I scored in the alcoholic range, and on the fourth I scored in the borderline alcoholic range. This, to be honest, wasn't surprising to me, considering that I've been questioning my alcohol consumption recently.
My issue with alcohol is simply the amount of it I drink, the reasons I give myself to drink, the fact that my entire social life must involve it, and the fact that the idea of stopping for only a week makes my skin crawl. My behavior when I drink doesn't really change, except that I slur my speech a bit, and recently I've been tending more to kind of shut off from the world, my wife, and my life generally. I'm not abusive either verbally or physically; I've never missed a single day of work because of it; my hangovers aren't really that bad; I'm a productive academic; I've never had a blackout, never been in trouble with the law, etc.
In all, I'm pretty sure I'm a high-functioning alcoholic (if there is such a thing, and I'm more than open to the idea that what counts as "functioning" is subjective), and if I didn't have a family (or at least a small child), I probably wouldn't consider myself to be in any crisis, except for whatever health-related issues surrounding consistent high-alcohol consumption that might arise for me later down the road. But, given that I have a small child, I have become very concerned about the sustainability of being a high-functioning alcoholic. I envision the following scenario happening in a few years from now: My son joins a little-league baseball team, and his games and practices are in the late afternoon. This will cause me severe anxiety. If I continue this persistent pattern of drinking every evening, I don't know if in a few years from now I would be able to completely discharge my fatherly duties. I want to be in my child's life, I want to support him in little-league, etc., but I'm pretty sure I would be completely conflicted, and maybe even resent the fact that instead of being home or at the bar filling myself with drink, I'm at the ball park with him. This scenario alone leads me to believe that my drinking is not sustainable, or at least it's not sustainable if I want to be a good father, which I do. It's just unhealthy, and the more I think about it the more I'm admitting to myself that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
In any case, my counselor recommended that I stop by an AA meeting soon and then also make an appointment at an outpatient chemical dependency facility. To be honest, the idea of going to AA scares the the living day lights out of me, and no doubt this is because I have a kind of preconceived notion of what a "true" alcoholic is like, and, well, as I keep telling myself, "I'm just not one of them.: AA has always seemed to me to be for those who have truly hit rock bottom, who are just no longer able to function normally, who have lost their families, friends, jobs, etc. I know this is probably false. But I'm just ignorant about alcoholism.
In any case, I have made an appointment with my GP for this Monday, and I've decided that I need to be (as I have not in the past) as honest with him as I can be about my drinking habits, my desire to have a healthy life (I've gained about 25 pounds this year alone), to live without the awful feelings I'm having about alcohol and my relationship to it, etc. The reason I'm going to my GP is because I'm very, very nervous about the idea of self-detoxing, given the amount of alcohol I drink and for how long I've been drinking it, I (1) don't think can do it on my own, and (2) don't think I can do it without medical assistance. I'm hoping he can shed some light on my situation.
Anyways, sorry to ramble for so long. I guess I'm just looking for some ideas of ways to deal with all of this...and some support. My wife is very supportive, but she has always been a social drinker, and so I thought it would be good to just say hello to everyone here, and announce that I'm an alcoholic and that I need help.
Thanks so much!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome!! heres a lil something to read about today's AA:
Among today’s incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
..... They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
these A.A.’s, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: “We didn’t wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.”
what i see is you arent in the gutter....yet. i know many, many people that didnt lose everything, didnt end up in mental hospitals, didnt end up living on the streets, had great careers and families, and ya wouldnt even know thet were alcoholics.
alcoholism it isnt about how much we drank or where we ended up. its about how we were who we were when we drank.
Among today’s incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have.
Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends.
Why do men and women like these join A.A.?
..... They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done.
They realized that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time.
Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realized that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help.
these A.A.’s, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: “We didn’t wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.”
what i see is you arent in the gutter....yet. i know many, many people that didnt lose everything, didnt end up in mental hospitals, didnt end up living on the streets, had great careers and families, and ya wouldnt even know thet were alcoholics.
alcoholism it isnt about how much we drank or where we ended up. its about how we were who we were when we drank.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a really great site, with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are now or are where you are now.
If your preconceived notion were true, there would not be 60 meetings a week of AA in just Beverly Hills, or in other 'expensive' neighborhoods, lol
There are almost 3,000 meetings a week now in Los Angeles County, and very few of them are in downtown LA.
I too thought as you did, I got sober in the San Fernando Valley, where my home group meetings yes I had two, one in Chatsworth and one in Pacoima, go figure. I have been to meetings all over the county, all around the state, but the majority of them were in L.A. County. I still go to my favorites, every time I go back out there to visit.
L.A. is also known for having a lot of 'specialized' meetings. ie some that seem to be more for police officers, some for lawyers, some for the medical profession, and yes some for those in academia. You can call the Central Office in Los Angeles and ask or the central office in Van Nuys. You can google their location and phone numbers.
What you will find, by checking out some different AA meetings in different parts of your city, is that no matter how deep each individual dug their own hole, whether they ended up living on the streets, or never lost their home in Bev. Hills, their stories are still the same, a sometimes slow and sometimes quick ride into the throes of alcoholism, and total abstinence seems to be the only solution and then only part of the solution. Once we remove the alcohol then there is a WHOLE BUNCH of WORK we end up doing on ourselves, be it in AA, SMART, AVRT, or several other recovery programs.
So .......................... pull up your chair, pull out your keyboard, and join us here for a while. Read all the 'stickys' the permanent threads at the tops of different forums, read the different threads posted by members and the replies and see for yourself, we come in all flavors, all professions, from all over the world.
I would suggest though that you speak with your Dr before attempting any detox at home. Detoxing by one's self can be deadly.
Ask questions, share your story. We will answer to the best of our ability but we cannot give any medical advice. It is always best to have a Dr on board with your next plan of action.
Hope to see you posting ..........................
Again WELCOME.
Love and hugs,
If your preconceived notion were true, there would not be 60 meetings a week of AA in just Beverly Hills, or in other 'expensive' neighborhoods, lol
There are almost 3,000 meetings a week now in Los Angeles County, and very few of them are in downtown LA.
I too thought as you did, I got sober in the San Fernando Valley, where my home group meetings yes I had two, one in Chatsworth and one in Pacoima, go figure. I have been to meetings all over the county, all around the state, but the majority of them were in L.A. County. I still go to my favorites, every time I go back out there to visit.
L.A. is also known for having a lot of 'specialized' meetings. ie some that seem to be more for police officers, some for lawyers, some for the medical profession, and yes some for those in academia. You can call the Central Office in Los Angeles and ask or the central office in Van Nuys. You can google their location and phone numbers.
What you will find, by checking out some different AA meetings in different parts of your city, is that no matter how deep each individual dug their own hole, whether they ended up living on the streets, or never lost their home in Bev. Hills, their stories are still the same, a sometimes slow and sometimes quick ride into the throes of alcoholism, and total abstinence seems to be the only solution and then only part of the solution. Once we remove the alcohol then there is a WHOLE BUNCH of WORK we end up doing on ourselves, be it in AA, SMART, AVRT, or several other recovery programs.
So .......................... pull up your chair, pull out your keyboard, and join us here for a while. Read all the 'stickys' the permanent threads at the tops of different forums, read the different threads posted by members and the replies and see for yourself, we come in all flavors, all professions, from all over the world.
I would suggest though that you speak with your Dr before attempting any detox at home. Detoxing by one's self can be deadly.
Ask questions, share your story. We will answer to the best of our ability but we cannot give any medical advice. It is always best to have a Dr on board with your next plan of action.
Hope to see you posting ..........................
Again WELCOME.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome to SR Kierk76....That's a great post....I think I saw the magic word in there...Progressed. I believe this is a disease...And that it does get worse...Never better....I'd forget about what you think AA is and try a few different meetings...It was a major help for me...And still is...The 12 steps of the program saved my life. This is a great site here for support and I hope you will become a part of it...Here is the Big Book of AA...Read the Doctors Opinion and the first 164 pages....That is what the program is about....You put the effort and honesty into it and it will change your life..It's as simple as that. Glad you are here...Look forward to sharing your journey with you.
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
The text of Alcoholics Anonymous
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi Kierk! Glad you joined us. This is a wonderful group of people. I found courage and hope for the first time when I joined here - knowing I was no longer alone was huge.
As Sapling touched on - alcoholism is a progressive disease. I never realized what that meant, but I sure learned. In my 20's it was all fun and relaxation. I once drank the way you do now, about 20 yrs. ago. In the end, I had 'progressed' to a 30 pack a day - and I'm just a small woman. The scary part is, I was still standing, and coherent. That's how tolerant of it I had become.
You are wise to be questioning what alcohol is doing to you - I wish I had before my life was turned upside down by my dependency. Keep reading and posting here - you have done the right thing!
As Sapling touched on - alcoholism is a progressive disease. I never realized what that meant, but I sure learned. In my 20's it was all fun and relaxation. I once drank the way you do now, about 20 yrs. ago. In the end, I had 'progressed' to a 30 pack a day - and I'm just a small woman. The scary part is, I was still standing, and coherent. That's how tolerant of it I had become.
You are wise to be questioning what alcohol is doing to you - I wish I had before my life was turned upside down by my dependency. Keep reading and posting here - you have done the right thing!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
H Kierk. You tell a compelling story! There "is such a story" as a high functioning alcoholic. Me. I can tell you about the millions made and lost. I can tell you about being married twice and having two kids. I can tell you about standing up in front of crowds to tell them what I think they should hear. You might have been that one person I saw when I spent 40 days in the desert, so maybe you already know me. I might also be that same guy who wrote all those "white" papers whom everyone got excited about, but in the end they were just that: white papers, rather white paper with a bunch of printed type.
But when you fast forward through that movie, you'll find a guy that knew he was an alcoholic 20 years ago, and chose to do nothing about it until the past couple years. I found myself drinking out of a paper bag in the privacy of my own home and I was the only one in the house. Read that last sentence a couple more times and you might even shrug your shoulders and have a big question mark floating around the room!
There are a few things I'm absolutely sure of in life: I can't drink; alcoholism is a progressive thing; and life most assuredly gets better.
It took a tremendous amount of courage to lay your post out in this thread. There's a lot of bravery in being vulnerable, and there is also a lot of truth.
Welcome! AA can be a beautiful thing, and being here is a wonderful way to explore and make some serious headway. Lots of choices out there to find what you're seeking.
But when you fast forward through that movie, you'll find a guy that knew he was an alcoholic 20 years ago, and chose to do nothing about it until the past couple years. I found myself drinking out of a paper bag in the privacy of my own home and I was the only one in the house. Read that last sentence a couple more times and you might even shrug your shoulders and have a big question mark floating around the room!
There are a few things I'm absolutely sure of in life: I can't drink; alcoholism is a progressive thing; and life most assuredly gets better.
It took a tremendous amount of courage to lay your post out in this thread. There's a lot of bravery in being vulnerable, and there is also a lot of truth.
Welcome! AA can be a beautiful thing, and being here is a wonderful way to explore and make some serious headway. Lots of choices out there to find what you're seeking.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased
they were that their parents drank....
I'm really glad you are thinking of the best way to quit...
Many of us are winning over alcohol...useing a variety of concepts
ideas and some like me...do find AA to be an awesome adventure.
Blessings to you and your family
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased
they were that their parents drank....
I'm really glad you are thinking of the best way to quit...
Many of us are winning over alcohol...useing a variety of concepts
ideas and some like me...do find AA to be an awesome adventure.
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Welcome Kierk:
AA has worked for me for nearly 23 years. Would probably be just the ticket for you as well.
I'm sure you wouldn't be bored there and would feel at home in short order.
All the best.
Bob R
AA has worked for me for nearly 23 years. Would probably be just the ticket for you as well.
I'm sure you wouldn't be bored there and would feel at home in short order.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters 
Welcome Kierk:
AA has worked for me for nearly 23 years.
AA has worked for me for nearly 23 years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 12
Thanks, all of you, for the responses. They are thoughtful and informative. For the first time in my life, I actually think I can kick this awful thing, much more so than I ever thought I could with smoking.
While the idea of AA still scares me, I'm confident I can find the right meetings for me.
While the idea of AA still scares me, I'm confident I can find the right meetings for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Kierk76;3468406 [B
Now, what were heavy drinking spouts in graduate school are my normal drinking habits--every night. I have acquired such a tolerance for alcohol that I have to continue to add more bottles to my nightly routine, just so that I can veg out, relax, and forget about all the work I have to do the next morning, week, etc. It's gotten to the point that hangovers come very seldom, and when they do come, I feel "normal" by about 9 or 10am. Which, on the practical side of things, has been beneficial for my teaching. Teaching while hungover is really miserable.
This past week, I saw a counselor about anxiety, mild depression (which has been getting worse the past few months), and other related issues, and the topic of my drinking came up.
My issue with alcohol is simply the amount of it I drink, the reasons I give myself to drink, the fact that my entire social life must involve it, and the fact that the idea of stopping for only a week makes my skin crawl. My behavior when I drink doesn't really change, except that I slur my speech a bit, and recently I've been tending more to kind of shut off from the world, my wife, and my life generally. I'm not abusive either verbally or physically; I've never missed a single day of work because of it; my hangovers aren't really that bad; I'm a productive academic; I've never had a blackout, never been in trouble with the law, etc.[/B]
This past week, I saw a counselor about anxiety, mild depression (which has been getting worse the past few months), and other related issues, and the topic of my drinking came up.
My issue with alcohol is simply the amount of it I drink, the reasons I give myself to drink, the fact that my entire social life must involve it, and the fact that the idea of stopping for only a week makes my skin crawl. My behavior when I drink doesn't really change, except that I slur my speech a bit, and recently I've been tending more to kind of shut off from the world, my wife, and my life generally. I'm not abusive either verbally or physically; I've never missed a single day of work because of it; my hangovers aren't really that bad; I'm a productive academic; I've never had a blackout, never been in trouble with the law, etc.[/B]
I too went to a counselor with concerns about anxiety and mild depression. And gently, for over a year, he tried to encourage me to take alcohol out of the equation. Though I continued to insist THAT could not be the problem.
Finally, I got a warning from my MD after unrelated blood work that my liver enzymes were elevated, and I needed to significantly cut back or stop drinking.
That was in August, and when my drinking changed. In my attempts to reduce my drinking I realized I couldn't. Soon I was getting completely drunk without meaning to. Blackout drinking started happening, but I really didn't understand that at the time.
In November, I entered an outpatient program that was designed for people that work and I was able to attend in the evenings. It was the best thing I ever did, unfortunately, I had not yet given in to the belief that I could not drink ever yet.
About late April/ early May I decided I could try drinking on the weekends. That was a 100% failure. My drinking on those occasions was completely out of control. Far worse then ever before.
I went back to outpatient, started AA, read Under the Influence, and committed to the zero alcohol plan. I am on 50 consecutive sober days now.
Fortunately, my husband and children have been very supportive, my career was never impacted, and I never landed in legal trouble trouble. But I now believe beyond a shadow of a doubt, that losing everything was just a big YET for me.
I wish you the best. You are so much more aware of the long term impact of your drinking than I was when I was still in your position. It seems that you are already on the same down elevator that I was on, but you can get off a few floors sooner!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Kierk76
In my world--academia--heavy drinking is kind of more or less normal.
I'm not sure but I think it comes from the pressure to obtain results and publish frequently, and the huge difference between the euphoria when everything just lines up right and the frustration and powerlessness when it doesn't. There's usually at least two or three days of the latter for each of the former.
Medical supervision might be a good idea while detoxing since your daily intake seems very high. Good luck with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 12
Thanks for the continued posts and support. Tomorrow, I meet with my Dr. to talk about how best to approach my detox. I'm drinking right now--on my seventh beer--but I feel pretty awful, both psychologically and physically. I'll keep you all updated as I embark on a completely unknown journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Kierk76
Thanks for the continued posts and support. Tomorrow, I meet with my Dr. to talk about how best to approach my detox. I'm drinking right now--on my seventh beer--but I feel pretty awful, both psychologically and physically. I'll keep you all updated as I embark on a completely unknown journey.
You will fit right into AA.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 12
Hi 2grandaughters, thanks for that! I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone in this, and that there are others who are struggling with the same kinds of feelings, anxiety, depression, etc. about their drinking. This forum has already been very helpful for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 12
Someguy23 and the rest, here's a narrative about where I'm coming from.
Someguy23, I think you are right that the pressures of academia often breed chemically dependent students and professors. When I was working on my Ph.D., I had both many friends and many acquaintances who were clearly problem drinkers and/or drug abusers. A few of them ended up in rehab and in recovery (and still managed--in several cases, anyways--to complete their dissertation), others just figured things out and moderated their drinking, while others are now feeling lost and alone, struggling with their addiction. All of them, though, are productive writers and teachers, publishing in top journals in their fields, publishing books, and getting invited to give talks or comment on papers at major conferences. Also I've never met a single academic who hasn't shown up to teach their class because of alcohol. That, of course, doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it's not my experience. I had a professor in graduate school who would show up to his 9 am class smelling of alcohol. It was the worst class I took, but at least he showed up, right?
In my field--philosophy--conferences are primarily drinking fests. The amount of alcohol consumed at an American Philosophical Association conference is just downright staggering. These conferences last about three days, and every lunch, every dinner, and every banquet is really just all about drinking...drinking a lot. It's an excuse to binge for about three days, and somehow, in the end, muster enough energy to give a talk or comment on a paper. Of course, this isn't true of everyone there.
Even more, the majority of first-round job interviews occur during the Eastern American Philosophical Association meeting in December/January (two days after Christmas). I've been twice for interviews, and the amount of pressure, anxiety involved with it (most interviews occur in a massive banquet hall at a table proximately close to three, four, five other tables of other interviews going on, sometimes tables that I (in my case) sat at for a different interview), is overwhelming. I've talked to others who have gone through what they call the APA meat market, and many of them have shown up for an interview either drunk or hungover. In my case, for one interview, I was definitely hungover, and had a few beers prior just to loosen up and take the edge off. Needless to say, I didn't get that job.
I'm lucky to now have a great job, with faculty who, as far as I can tell, do not struggle with alcohol. But, department parties can be a bit embarrassing. I always outdrink everyone there, and I'm sure they notice. There's really no way not to see it.
Anyways, I'm seriously looking forward to life without alcohol. I'm confident I can do this, and I'm confident that my work will benefit from it, and my family life will benefit.
Someguy23, I think you are right that the pressures of academia often breed chemically dependent students and professors. When I was working on my Ph.D., I had both many friends and many acquaintances who were clearly problem drinkers and/or drug abusers. A few of them ended up in rehab and in recovery (and still managed--in several cases, anyways--to complete their dissertation), others just figured things out and moderated their drinking, while others are now feeling lost and alone, struggling with their addiction. All of them, though, are productive writers and teachers, publishing in top journals in their fields, publishing books, and getting invited to give talks or comment on papers at major conferences. Also I've never met a single academic who hasn't shown up to teach their class because of alcohol. That, of course, doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it's not my experience. I had a professor in graduate school who would show up to his 9 am class smelling of alcohol. It was the worst class I took, but at least he showed up, right?
In my field--philosophy--conferences are primarily drinking fests. The amount of alcohol consumed at an American Philosophical Association conference is just downright staggering. These conferences last about three days, and every lunch, every dinner, and every banquet is really just all about drinking...drinking a lot. It's an excuse to binge for about three days, and somehow, in the end, muster enough energy to give a talk or comment on a paper. Of course, this isn't true of everyone there.
Even more, the majority of first-round job interviews occur during the Eastern American Philosophical Association meeting in December/January (two days after Christmas). I've been twice for interviews, and the amount of pressure, anxiety involved with it (most interviews occur in a massive banquet hall at a table proximately close to three, four, five other tables of other interviews going on, sometimes tables that I (in my case) sat at for a different interview), is overwhelming. I've talked to others who have gone through what they call the APA meat market, and many of them have shown up for an interview either drunk or hungover. In my case, for one interview, I was definitely hungover, and had a few beers prior just to loosen up and take the edge off. Needless to say, I didn't get that job.
I'm lucky to now have a great job, with faculty who, as far as I can tell, do not struggle with alcohol. But, department parties can be a bit embarrassing. I always outdrink everyone there, and I'm sure they notice. There's really no way not to see it.
Anyways, I'm seriously looking forward to life without alcohol. I'm confident I can do this, and I'm confident that my work will benefit from it, and my family life will benefit.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
I hear you!
My field is mathematics. I don't know how close the two are in practice so no idea to what extent you'll be able to identify with what I'll write, but here's what I've noticed (in myself and my peers):
At the risk of writing the nerdiest sentence ever hosted on this server, when you line up an interesting new results with definitions for which the result is true and useful and with a valid proof of that result... it's magical. It really is a natural high, it makes you feel good about both yourself and your future.
On the other hand, when it's just not working out, it is extremely frustrating. It's a bit like going out with a girl who's not that interested, everything seems to work just wrong enough for nothing to happen.
The worst part is that you never know how deep the problem is. It could be that you just haven't found the right approach, or that you need to tweak the definitions a little, but it could be that there's simply nothing to prove. Meanwhile, all you're left with are scribblings of stuff that just doesn't work and a sense of impending doom regarding your future.
It is very tempting to use psychoactives to smooth out the rollercoaster, and I know in my case binges and cravings seem to coincide with unproductive days. I don't think I know anyone who's gone to rehab, but I know people who've been or still are on pretty much every drug known. I know a few who kicked some habits and a few who probably should kick some habits.
Our conferences, interestingly, aren't as bad as yours. Probably because no one travels with their dope... that being said, I have gotten wasted out of my brain with my advisor on several occasions at them.
You sound very decided and confident. I can't say I'm anywhere near as much of either and I'm jealous. I hope you'll get the sober life you want and wish you the best.
My field is mathematics. I don't know how close the two are in practice so no idea to what extent you'll be able to identify with what I'll write, but here's what I've noticed (in myself and my peers):
At the risk of writing the nerdiest sentence ever hosted on this server, when you line up an interesting new results with definitions for which the result is true and useful and with a valid proof of that result... it's magical. It really is a natural high, it makes you feel good about both yourself and your future.
On the other hand, when it's just not working out, it is extremely frustrating. It's a bit like going out with a girl who's not that interested, everything seems to work just wrong enough for nothing to happen.
The worst part is that you never know how deep the problem is. It could be that you just haven't found the right approach, or that you need to tweak the definitions a little, but it could be that there's simply nothing to prove. Meanwhile, all you're left with are scribblings of stuff that just doesn't work and a sense of impending doom regarding your future.
It is very tempting to use psychoactives to smooth out the rollercoaster, and I know in my case binges and cravings seem to coincide with unproductive days. I don't think I know anyone who's gone to rehab, but I know people who've been or still are on pretty much every drug known. I know a few who kicked some habits and a few who probably should kick some habits.
Our conferences, interestingly, aren't as bad as yours. Probably because no one travels with their dope... that being said, I have gotten wasted out of my brain with my advisor on several occasions at them.
You sound very decided and confident. I can't say I'm anywhere near as much of either and I'm jealous. I hope you'll get the sober life you want and wish you the best.
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