Need an alcoholic's perspective on this (AH's recovery)
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I agree with Carol's comment.
You can hope that he will change his ways, step up to the plate, be a good husband and provide financial support for you and your baby.
But at the same time, you must accept the reality that he may well not do these things, and figure out a way forward that does not include him.
You can hope that he will change his ways, step up to the plate, be a good husband and provide financial support for you and your baby.
But at the same time, you must accept the reality that he may well not do these things, and figure out a way forward that does not include him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 33
I spoke to him on the phone and said if he's coming home he's going to have to get a job and what did he think about looking in shops and things, he got really angry and upset. His mum keeps saying he's fine but when he talks to me he can't handle it and she gave him a drink up there!!!!! She said after that he was OK again.
But if he comes home he'll be facing reality every day, I'm worried he can't cope with it but at the same time I don't want to stop him seeing his baby.
His family keep saying I'm the reason he drinks!
But if he comes home he'll be facing reality every day, I'm worried he can't cope with it but at the same time I don't want to stop him seeing his baby.
His family keep saying I'm the reason he drinks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 35
I'm only three days into my own recovery but I was married to a still active alcoholic for ten years. I can tell you for a fact MrsA, nothing you say or do will make a difference until he is really and truly committed to his own sobriety. All the love in the world cannot change who/what we are. Only we can. The Al-Anon literature got me through some really rough times but please do try to find a way to get to a meeting and look for resources available to you and your child. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I agree with Gotta Bounce. It has to come from him no amt of nagging him or complaining to him about it etc.. will get him there any sooner. You could try being nice and suddle but i'd imagine you've tried that. You wanted an opinion form someone who has this illness. My wife could nag me i'd just drink more screw her was my thought process. It has nothing to do with her being right or wrong it all had to do with me.
I dont advocate mariages falling apart growing up from a broken home. So no matter how hard it is i know a married couple can overcome amazing things. I often recomend the movie fireproof to couples in tough spots. Sometimes you find theres fault on both sides of the fence. No ones perfect no marriage is either. But both parties need to put forth an effort. I'd tell him the same thing. He's got a kid he should be concerned with get your but home. You got a kid who needs a father dont shut him out.
I realize its all easier said then done however. Hang in there.
I dont advocate mariages falling apart growing up from a broken home. So no matter how hard it is i know a married couple can overcome amazing things. I often recomend the movie fireproof to couples in tough spots. Sometimes you find theres fault on both sides of the fence. No ones perfect no marriage is either. But both parties need to put forth an effort. I'd tell him the same thing. He's got a kid he should be concerned with get your but home. You got a kid who needs a father dont shut him out.
I realize its all easier said then done however. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 392
MrsA,
I just wanted to mention that babies and young children are often welcome at Al-anon meetings. Alcoholism effects the whole family, including the youngest members. I urge you to try it, you are sure to find some face to face support there.
You need to take care of yourself and your little one right now, but you don't have to do it alone.
I just wanted to mention that babies and young children are often welcome at Al-anon meetings. Alcoholism effects the whole family, including the youngest members. I urge you to try it, you are sure to find some face to face support there.
You need to take care of yourself and your little one right now, but you don't have to do it alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Do you mind me asking you how old your baby is?
My situation is different to yours, but I was still abandoned with a tiny baby and before he left I had no support.
I was in shock - tiny underweight baby that I fed non-stop. She would not have a bottle at all.
Family that were desperately worried bout me.
His family never ever contacted me, not once. I think they thought I deserved if. Thats never been confirmed though.
Them not contacting me confirmed to me that they were not unhappy with his actions.
It was miserable. No money, no help, no sleep, lots of tears, at one point no hot water or heating. Ashamed in front of friends, family, family friends etc etc, constantly asking myself 'why'.
He did come back but to be honest I often wish he had not.
With every day I got stronger, and with everyday I think he realised what a mess he had made.
I could have taken the opportunity to escape, move nearer my family etc etc. My lovely family that bought me every single nappy, as opposed to his family who did not offer to take my daughter for a walk so I could have a sleep.
We ague most days. I think about how cruel he was, how hard it was. I know I will never have another child with him. I feel angry constantly that he ruined things, things that should have been special. Our babies first christmas, he told me he loved but was not in 'love with me'. I cried.
New year I spent on my own.
First mothers day on my own.
I was visited everyday by a crisis mental health team as my shock was so evident at my first GP's follow up appointment when it was revealed what happened.
I had had a beautiful baby girl, his first born daughter and yet I just felt guilty I had ruined his life by getting pregnant. She is amazing now - so funny, so clever, so talented and I think why do you deserve to know her when you left us?
What do I do when she is older and she might hear our rows. I have to work on not verbalising how I feel, but sometimes I could scream I feel so angry.
I also think what would I do if someone did that to my daughter I would kill them I think. Yet I took him back. I tried to make out it was my fault.
I suppose I am saying that don't make rash choices, like I did. I just wanted it all to go away and be back to 'normal'. It will never be normal again.
Seek out support from elsewhere - alanon, sure start centre, GP, your friends, your contacts, your family, legal advice, benefits etc.
Leave him to sort himself out and his mother too. You cannot force her or him to support you.
Surround yourself with people who love you.
And I promise life will get easier.
Don't miss a moment of your baby girl.
They grow up so quick.
He will sadly realise this too - probably the hard way and his mother too.
I am in no way stating you should block him out, but I just think life is hard enough when you have just had a baby. Focus on you and your baby and leave him to make his own choices.
The nest thing I ever did was delete my other half's numbers.
He had to contact me.
If things got too hard I had to ring someone else, not him.
And for me that was a life saver.
Thinking of you as a friend
xxxx
My situation is different to yours, but I was still abandoned with a tiny baby and before he left I had no support.
I was in shock - tiny underweight baby that I fed non-stop. She would not have a bottle at all.
Family that were desperately worried bout me.
His family never ever contacted me, not once. I think they thought I deserved if. Thats never been confirmed though.
Them not contacting me confirmed to me that they were not unhappy with his actions.
It was miserable. No money, no help, no sleep, lots of tears, at one point no hot water or heating. Ashamed in front of friends, family, family friends etc etc, constantly asking myself 'why'.
He did come back but to be honest I often wish he had not.
With every day I got stronger, and with everyday I think he realised what a mess he had made.
I could have taken the opportunity to escape, move nearer my family etc etc. My lovely family that bought me every single nappy, as opposed to his family who did not offer to take my daughter for a walk so I could have a sleep.
We ague most days. I think about how cruel he was, how hard it was. I know I will never have another child with him. I feel angry constantly that he ruined things, things that should have been special. Our babies first christmas, he told me he loved but was not in 'love with me'. I cried.
New year I spent on my own.
First mothers day on my own.
I was visited everyday by a crisis mental health team as my shock was so evident at my first GP's follow up appointment when it was revealed what happened.
I had had a beautiful baby girl, his first born daughter and yet I just felt guilty I had ruined his life by getting pregnant. She is amazing now - so funny, so clever, so talented and I think why do you deserve to know her when you left us?
What do I do when she is older and she might hear our rows. I have to work on not verbalising how I feel, but sometimes I could scream I feel so angry.
I also think what would I do if someone did that to my daughter I would kill them I think. Yet I took him back. I tried to make out it was my fault.
I suppose I am saying that don't make rash choices, like I did. I just wanted it all to go away and be back to 'normal'. It will never be normal again.
Seek out support from elsewhere - alanon, sure start centre, GP, your friends, your contacts, your family, legal advice, benefits etc.
Leave him to sort himself out and his mother too. You cannot force her or him to support you.
Surround yourself with people who love you.
And I promise life will get easier.
Don't miss a moment of your baby girl.
They grow up so quick.
He will sadly realise this too - probably the hard way and his mother too.
I am in no way stating you should block him out, but I just think life is hard enough when you have just had a baby. Focus on you and your baby and leave him to make his own choices.
The nest thing I ever did was delete my other half's numbers.
He had to contact me.
If things got too hard I had to ring someone else, not him.
And for me that was a life saver.
Thinking of you as a friend
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Just read your post again and your parents offer?
Mine offered the same, I was to proud to take them up.
I wish I had now.
If you are going back to work, you need people you can trust to help with childcare, even if you have nursery. If your child is ill, they cannot go and you cannot go to work.
Think long and hard.
Would you like another baby in the future?
Could you trust him to have a future together?
How do you not know he will loose the next 10 jobs he has?
Could you go and stay with your parents and leave the house so that you can get your head together? You can still try to pay the bills but you could be looked after more, catch up on sleep.
Still wish you all the best
xxxx
Mine offered the same, I was to proud to take them up.
I wish I had now.
If you are going back to work, you need people you can trust to help with childcare, even if you have nursery. If your child is ill, they cannot go and you cannot go to work.
Think long and hard.
Would you like another baby in the future?
Could you trust him to have a future together?
How do you not know he will loose the next 10 jobs he has?
Could you go and stay with your parents and leave the house so that you can get your head together? You can still try to pay the bills but you could be looked after more, catch up on sleep.
Still wish you all the best
xxxx
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