brdlvr

I picked up a 24 hour chip on Sunday. I finally get that I can't go to drinking places/events for now - Over and over again, I've found that I will drink no matter how good my intentions are. Just need to stop being a people pleaser and tell friends - no, sorry not going to be able to make it. I'm glad that I get invited to places. But I'm so not good at just telling people - Im not drinking so I need to not go to those places now. Some are people that know me as a big drinker, some are those that have only seen me drink a couple so have no idea how bad it really is for me. Guess deep down I'm afraid that if I start telling people not going to go - they will stop asking me to do stuff (but maybe that's a good thing).

BillyPilgrim

Good call brdlvr , you will learn there are other places , and that people can do things whilst not drinking

CarolD

My expereince.
...Yes most of my drinking companions were only interested
in getting to x y or z so they could begin/continue to drink.

Most faded away as I kept telling them I was now in AA with a change in my former lifestyle. It was rather lonely for a short bit until...

I connected to an AA group of mostly singles....and we did all sorts of things outside of meetings. We had loads of sober fun..

Welcome back ...

DaveVelasco

There actually a lot more things you can do when not drinking. Something more productive. That is the time where you should learn those things.

Wookie85

if you are serious about your sobriety and your friends can't accept that you're trying to improve the quality of your life you need to move on. i've been kinda lonely since I started my recovery because I've had to stop associating with certain people but deep down I know that eventually I'll find new friends to hang with and I'll be able to be a better friend to people than I was when I drank

LoftyIdeals

Timely post for me brdlvr. I have a close group of friends, who are my church "small group" friends, but we evolved over the years to a drinking club. We are close in that our kids are similar ages, we are similar ages, etc. We've done bible studies together, but not so much in recent years. We have an annual camping trip and usually other outings, and then a once per month gathering. My wife and I have been able to find ways out of the gatherings on many occasions over the last 9+ months I've been sober. They all know I've quit, and should know I needed to, based on how many times I fell down drunk or couldn't talk due to being drunk. But, their memories are shorter than mine. My wife still drinks, and usually not too much. Especially since I quit. A week ago Saturday, we were invited to a wine and cheese party at one of their homes. We were busy, but those dinner plans fell through at the last minute. We wound up going. On the way, I was tired, and content, and said to my wife "If I have a drink tonight, don't freak out...this is my thing, and I may have some wine." Obviously, I needed to work my program better, and have since.

Anyway, I am guessing my wife told the hostess what I said, as she handed me a glass for wine. I set it down, and said "maybe later". Later, the host, a beer brewer, was recruiting folks to have his beer, and asked me to have one on 3 different occasions through the night. I refused, as a rebellion to feeling I was being worked on by the hosts from what I had said to my wife. I have a strange stubbornness that my decisions are mine, not anyone elses. Anyway, I never did drink. But I did have fun. The fact that I felt they were pushing me a little was that they are ready for me to drink again. In the past, I had provided much entertainment for them, either by my humor, or by being laughed at. I guess my wife is ready as well, unless I'm mistaken about how things transpired. I haven't brought it up with her.

The point of my long post is this: Even after 9 month, you may get pressure from people who expect or want you to drink. It's no one's fault. I let my guard down, and they were there to help me drink. They want the old me back. But, I have to live with that person day in and out. And I can't. So, I have to either move on, or hold my ground until they accept that fact.

This road we walk is definitely the less traveled. But, it is really worth it. Lonely? Yes, but I trust that won't be forever. I feel strong, blessed, lucid, capable, and sane. I didn't feel those things when drinking.

Hang in there. Maybe isolate from drinking friends until you know you are strong enough to be around them and hold to your sobriety. Good luck, my friend.

brdlvr

thx Lofty - I get what your saying about providing entertainment for your friends. And they don't have to deal with what drinking does to me - they don't know how I feel when I sober up after a binge. Guess I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin and that it's ok to not be at every gathering nor be the life of the party. And from what some real friends have told me - normal folks (not alkies or heavy drinkers) really like me better when I'm sober - so hopefully a bonus will that I will attract healthy friends and a healthy relationship at some point.

THEOjibway

I'm so happy to hear you got your 24 hour chip. Its great to see a newcomer step up and get a chip. I'm 9 months sober myself and going strong. Sadly the truth is with regards to your friends.... You must know between your real friends and your "drinking" friends. You will probably notice as you stop drinking and try to stay off of alcohol your friends may not call you at all. In my case my friends were all drinking buddies. Once I sobered up, none of them have made any effort to call me and see how I am or to hang out with no alcohol. Though I don't just put it on them, I too only called on them after I "predrank" before I met up with them and then the party was on. Soon after I wasn't even fun to be around with when drunk so I drank by myself for the remainder of my drinking career. Sadly you may have less friends but you have to remember being sober is just as important. I maintain a pen pal to those I use to hang out with but even through Facebook they never contact me or ask how I am. They are just too busy drinking. I wish you luck and it is wise to hear from you saying you have to stay away from places that have drinking but eventually you;'ll be able to surpass the feelings of not wanting to go to such places.... im not saying go to a bar just to order a pop (soda.. im canadian so I say pop) just meaning you can go to places where there is booze but you wont think of it. at least I don't lol. good luck! keep in touch and keep with your program!

jsch

Great way to find out which friends are good for you and care about you and which ones are just drinking pals. The ones that want the best for you and care about your health will be supportive and stick around. Those that care about the drink and their way only will fade away. That is a good thing. Let those things unfold in their own time and don't feel guilty if you have to drop some friends. Your health is the most important thing. I know it's not easy. Trust in the process and give it time. Good luck and good for you for realizing what you have to do.

brdlvr

Yep..

and

I'm hoping that won't happen - but from what I read here - that most likely will. And you're right - I need to trust the process and let chips fall where they may

I heard something like this - and sure hope so!

jimihendrix

Early on, I had the same concerns. (I'm 9+ months).

I learned a couple of things
1. my friends really don't care that I'm not drinking. it's a big deal for me, but a minor deal for them. in many cases, they're offering me a drink because it's not front-of-their-mind that I don't drink.
2. I feel *more* free to be my normal entertaining self. why? because over my drinking time, I learned to put on a "don't do anything stupid right now. you're drinking and you may be extra stupid and make a fool of yourself". since I'm not drinking, I can remove that filter be entertaining without worrying about crossing the line