Altered reality
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: London
Posts: 2
Altered reality
I’d like to congratulate myself on making it in the land of cold hard reality (ie sobriety!) for just over four whole months now.
It struck me this evening that I really don’t need drink to alter my perceptions of the world around me. When I was drinking/using I lived in three worlds, neither of which were reality. And before I started abusing alcohol at the tender age of 14, I had means of being anywhere but the present at my disposal as well.
1. Good old fashioned drunkness.
My reality was so unacceptable to me, the only way to make it bearable was to be semi-conscious throughout it.
2. Fantasy.
Weirdly this was about as close to reality as I would get. I would take elements of my ‘real life’ and incorporate it into a fantasy world I would play out in reality when no one else was around. It involved me being valued, listened to and loved by those around me…
Even when I appeared to be ‘in reality’, I was somewhere else in my head, having an entirely different conversation in a different place altogether.
The fantasies weren’t happy either. Most of the time they were chaotic and dark, filled with death, suicide and trauma. I could meet someone in a lift and five minutes later, have married them, tragically miscarried their child, buried them after an awful accident and played through all the accompanying emotions like it was a film on fast forward.
This ‘game’ was best when no one was around and I could have imaginary conversations with whoever I was ‘playing’ life with at that particular time. At more psychologically disturbed times, this involved kissing the door frame or the wall as though I was kissing a person. But I never used the mirror, because then I’d have to see my sad lonely reflection staring back (ie REALITY).
3. Documentary.
If I wasn’t drunk or in a fantasy, I had a mental camera crew following my every move, utterly enthralled by everything I had to say. I never ‘filmed’ myself as I was at that present time. It was always a future fabulous version of myself talking about how fabulous I was and the wonderful things I was doing and how I loved, and was loved ie. the reality I wanted!
This was perfect in isolation as I would talk out loud. It was always very eloquent, focused and confident talking as well, about as far from how I am when talking around real people as I could possibly get.
Fantasy and documentary didn’t stop immediately when I put down the drink but I became acutely aware that I was doing it. My mind tries to revert to it sometimes, mainly when I am tired of how trying my reality is, and I have to stop and bring myself back to the present.
Today, I am mostly PRESENT in my head, and subsequently, present for my life.
It struck me this evening that I really don’t need drink to alter my perceptions of the world around me. When I was drinking/using I lived in three worlds, neither of which were reality. And before I started abusing alcohol at the tender age of 14, I had means of being anywhere but the present at my disposal as well.
1. Good old fashioned drunkness.
My reality was so unacceptable to me, the only way to make it bearable was to be semi-conscious throughout it.
2. Fantasy.
Weirdly this was about as close to reality as I would get. I would take elements of my ‘real life’ and incorporate it into a fantasy world I would play out in reality when no one else was around. It involved me being valued, listened to and loved by those around me…
Even when I appeared to be ‘in reality’, I was somewhere else in my head, having an entirely different conversation in a different place altogether.
The fantasies weren’t happy either. Most of the time they were chaotic and dark, filled with death, suicide and trauma. I could meet someone in a lift and five minutes later, have married them, tragically miscarried their child, buried them after an awful accident and played through all the accompanying emotions like it was a film on fast forward.
This ‘game’ was best when no one was around and I could have imaginary conversations with whoever I was ‘playing’ life with at that particular time. At more psychologically disturbed times, this involved kissing the door frame or the wall as though I was kissing a person. But I never used the mirror, because then I’d have to see my sad lonely reflection staring back (ie REALITY).
3. Documentary.
If I wasn’t drunk or in a fantasy, I had a mental camera crew following my every move, utterly enthralled by everything I had to say. I never ‘filmed’ myself as I was at that present time. It was always a future fabulous version of myself talking about how fabulous I was and the wonderful things I was doing and how I loved, and was loved ie. the reality I wanted!
This was perfect in isolation as I would talk out loud. It was always very eloquent, focused and confident talking as well, about as far from how I am when talking around real people as I could possibly get.
Fantasy and documentary didn’t stop immediately when I put down the drink but I became acutely aware that I was doing it. My mind tries to revert to it sometimes, mainly when I am tired of how trying my reality is, and I have to stop and bring myself back to the present.
Today, I am mostly PRESENT in my head, and subsequently, present for my life.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
congrats lou! i did those same behaviors- altho my daytime fantasies [which could go on for hours ] were more the 'win th lotto' type stuff.
A reality that I had never allowed myself to really 'see' was that i was free to pursue a big life. I am so glad to have discovered that as well....
A reality that I had never allowed myself to really 'see' was that i was free to pursue a big life. I am so glad to have discovered that as well....
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