meme33

My live in boyfriend of almost 2 years has realized he is an alcoholic. He has 2 kids (10 & 2) , i have 2 kids (6 & 13), mine are older than his. He LOVES my 6 yr old. My almost 13 yr old and him do not get alone. They are exactly alike. My almost 13 yr old makes mean remarks to me, his brother, my bf... such as "whatever" , "fine then, remember that" , "then im not going to play with u anymore", "fine, stay out of my room" , "then u cant play my game anymore". When his brother is aggravating him, he will push him off him once he has had enough and he will get mad and storm off into his room slamming the door. Last year my bf and he were playing basketball and my bf ( only meaning to PASS IT TO HIM) hummed the ball at my almost 13 yr old which he wasnt ready for and it hit him in the head, he became upset crying and hurt thinking he did it on purpose. My bf walked over to him and said he was sorry and he was just trying to pass it, my son didnt want to hear it, pushed him away and went and sat in the car. some things i yell at my son for and some i wait until a more appropriate time to talk to him about it, some i just give him the look, and rarely i slap him, and the little comments "whatever, the pouting etc, " i just ignore because i see that as a almost teen struggling through a transitional age. Thats the extent of most our problems with my son but out of this- my bf tells me I dont give enough discipline for his comments or pitching a fit etc, he told me and my son he is an a**hole, he calls my son violent, disrespectful, he told him last year "you are the most disrespectful f*****g kid ive ever met" to his face and in front other kids and then the other night in a drunken rage and me catching him trying to smoke synthetic something in the garage i was done! after calling me a wh*** in front of kids, and friends, and my son a f*****g as**hole to me repeatedly and then to MY almost 13 yr old son to his face i told him to leave NOW. He is telling me most of his anger, anxiety and problems stem from drinking and he will quit alcohol all together if i give him one more chance. HE HAD NEVER HIT ME or anything physical. I love him with all my heart... but do i chance it? Do I let him back in and stick by him through sobriety? I am 100% against all drugs "fake" or not and he knew this. Ive caught him hiding alcohol etc but he says this time he is ready to quit... He needs me and wants to grow old with me.... WHAT DO I DO??? I really feel like I am done, but i know I want to be with him so bad, we have alot of good times together but when we dont, could it be the alcohol...i know obviously it is the alcohol when he is drinking, but when he isnt drinking he says its withdrawl symtoms and anixety which he swears will all change if i let him back in and prove to me he quit drinking and will never do it again and show me what better person he is but he cannot do this without my love and support and stability of our home. PLEASE ADVISE.. Im torn and heart broken and he has no place to go in the mean time - OH I FORGOT his father was an alcoholic and so was his mother, he bounced home to home and school to school as a child and teen. He is a good loving man now except when these things happen.

JackNWA

I'm not sure how to respond to your post really, except to say that I'm sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I think it would be important to say that it might be beneficial to talk to someone one on one about these problems. That could be a religous person, a close freind, or even by attending an Al-Anon meeting.

Kellye C

I lived this almost exact same scenario with my AH #2. My son was 13 at the time and still (at 25 years old) bears the emotional scars to this day of the things that X-AH said to him and tried to do to him. He felt that I chose X-AH over him and left him defenseless (which is true). He was also abusive to me and to my daughter but she lived with her dad and wasn't around much - son's father never involved in his life so all he has is me which made the betrayal that much worse.

I also got all the promises to quit, to change, to stop being abusive to me and my kids, if I would just not leave him and give him another chance. Of course none of it was true.

I put up with this stuff for way too long and to this day it still breaks my heart to think that I chose a man over my children. I left him after only being married a year then after 6 months he swore he was on anti-depressants and not drinking and I stupidly let him move back in for another 4 months of straight up H*LL on earth.

I threw him out again and didn't look back. My son and I still have scars from this and it comes up in conversation ever so often.

You are a mom first and foremost. Your kids (even and especially a 13 y/o) need a loving and protective parent. IMO that would be the first priority. As for the boyfriend, he can get sober on his own and I would let him do so. If he is serious and can demonstrate some continuous sobriety (like a year) THEN you may consider a reconciliation if you so choose but in the meantime I can only share my story with you and hope it helps you to decide what you want to do.

Take care,
Kellye

Dee74

Hi meme
yeah I'm not a parent but I really have to go with Kellye on this one.

To me, what you need to do is look after your welfare and that of your children.

He may indeed be a good man - as most of us are - but he doesn't sound like he has much of a handle on that right now, to be honest.

What he needs to do is get sober - and he doesn't need you to do that.

D

meme33

I feel I am failing my son if I let him back in. They dont always not get along- they have a million things in common, but he thinks my son should be cutting the grass, doing his own laundry, waking up to his own alarm for school, in bed by like 9, and share and be nicer. BUt i feel like he really does love me and want to change. I dont drink at all so I dont exactly understand those emotions and behavior etc. I do smoke cigarettes and he tells me all the time smoking is worse than drinking and i smoke too much. My argument is that smoking isnt behavior altering. I do smoke alot, but its because of all these problems we have and fighting. But most days we are all a big happy family, the kids all love each other. My problem is im a big girl and i can chance getting hurt to love him and grow old with him once and for all, but can he actually change? can it all be linked to alcoholism? I know it isnt healthy relationship, but could we be? we could be so happy..He really doesnt have anyone else but me.

Jauburn

No.

DayTrader

If he's truly an alcoholic and is getting whipped by alcoholism..... sooner or later, he'll get recovered or it'll take his life. And alcohol is a slow, patient, nasty killer. My dad has been dying from it for over 20 years now. He's THE most miserable, mean, hateful person I've ever met - and he's getting worse! He had recovery fora short time......but went back to drinking and dying that ugly alcoholic death.

Potential or not......the questions to ask yourself are: how much is really potential vs just wishful thinking? How long are you willing to put up with the status quo? Are you willing to be with him even if he never gets into recovery?

Sometimes, a traumatic thing like you LEAVING is enough to kick one of us hard enough to decide to get serious about recovery.

Look.......I'm not going to give you advice on what to do or not (I find it funny when ppl ask......and funnier when ppl offer up advice on what to do - we don't know you, him or the situation well enough to be qualified to answer such a question). I'll say this though, if he's a practicing alcoholic......it WILL get worse until he makes some serious changes and finds a way to stop entirely. And believe me, you ain't seen nuttin' yet. An alkie in the miser of full-blown untreated alcoholism is hell on earth.....and nearly impossible to be around (and know this....... alcoholISM affects the alcoholic when they're drinking AND when they're not drinking!!).

When it comes to protecting the feelings of a practicing alkie, my thinking has changed drastically as I've logged in some time in sobriety. I say crush them as hard as you can. Leave him, don't call him back, refuse any contact....... leave him in a pile of tears......... THEN PRAY.......pray that the pain is enough to motivate him to make some lasting changes. Until he does that......all that potential you see...... it's just wasted potential, false hope and "coulda-woulda-shoulda" stuff.

My codependant streak has a hard time following my own advice.......so I get how tough that is to do. Protecting an alkie from themself though.......sheltering them from the pain of their decisions....... that does, I feel, more harm than walking away and leaving them "when they need you the most." (and FWIW...when I was "untreated"..... I'd say stuff like he's been saying just to get someone like you to stay......and though I'd kinda want to change, i would do NOTHING to begin the process of change. Within a couple days or a couple hours, I'd be right back to my old crappy tricks again). Alkies are usually masters at laying down guilt-complexes.

ODAT63

I had a similar situation like yours, I was married to an A for 16 years, he will go on and off to AA, both my boys (his step children), left the home as soon as they turned 18, my xah was emotional an verbally abusive, after my oldest boy got married in 2010, and my x had a year sobriety, he asked me for a divorce! I was totally devastated, here I put the time and as soon as he got sober he left me, saying that to keep his sobriery he needed to leave because I was crazy!!.
I had been going to al-anon for 4 months when he left, and I hold on to the program with all my mind and soul.
He moved out and filed for divorce and was very mean refusing to talk to me again! I cried and pleaded for him to think about what he was doing. He did not look back and started to date much younger woman. My kids have been very supportive of me. my oldest one made friends with him again and they keep in touch for holidays.
9 months after he left he got drunk again and wanted to "come back home". My answer was NOT until he gets a year of honest sobriety, that was a year ago today. I do not know what he is doing but my life is much better. My kids are happier and I continue to go to al-anon. I miss him still but the pain and obsession are less now. God did 4 me what I could not do for myself. He still goes to AA (I think), but has no make amends to me, and he might never will, I heard he still drinking. Good luck to you.

ODAT63

Meme33
I forgot to mention that my youngest one was so depressed at 17 that he was suicidal because of all the verbal and emotional abuse he received from the only "father figure" he knew, now he suffers from social phobia, add, depression, lack of self esteem, has no friends and can not work or go to college. So for your kids sake please help yourself and them.

Live

Also please know that the synthetic legal smoke is horribly horribly dangerous.
It can cause psychosis and is also very addicting.

suki44883

He is a verbal and emotional abuser. He is abusing your son. Words can hurt just as much as physical abuse and take much longer to heal. For your son's sake, and yours, I hope you do not allow this man back into your home. Maybe he doesn't have anyone else because he's a jackhole who has burned all his bridges. In any case, I could never love someone who abused my children.

vichloe

Cut him loose, Meme. You are playing with fire, I know from experience. He doesn't respect you or your children if he emotionally and verbally abuses you. He knows he can get away with it because you didn't throw him out the first time it happend. Sadly, it will probably escalate.

For me, the emotional abuse was much more damaging than physical. Bruises heal but the words play over and over in your head. You start to believe you are worthless.

Are you supporting him? If he can afford booze and drugs, he can afford a hotel room. If not, he can sleep in his car. You are not his mother, he is a grown man and has chosen this path of destruction. Your only priority should be keeping you and your children safe.

I am sorry, i know this hurts. You may not believe it now but there are men out there that will love and respect you.

My motto is, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me again, shame on me."

chickateetah

Meme33, your story is my story, except I was the child. My stepfather targeted me for abuse until I left @ age 16. My mom stayed with him until his focus shifted to my brother...I guess she thought I was the problem. Actually, she told me that I "provoked" him. Anyway, she finally told him to clean up or get out. He chose the bottle over his family and drank himself to death.

You are not abandoning him in his time of need. Your kids need you. My only question is...do his kids live with you, or their mother? I would worry about them.

Sudz No More

verbal abuse is always dangerous and if it happened once it can happen again.

BlueMoon

he's abusing your CHILD - wtf's the question?

ODAT63

My recent experience has been that even after they get "sober", some continue to be emotional unavailable, I was married for 16 years and after his one year sobriety he told me he had to leave or he will drink again, he blame me after all I did for him (I was such a martir), the divorce was ugly (from his part), and he did it sober, guess what he drank again 9 months after, almost two years sober, and he still blamed me.Now It has been a year since I saw him last and I have been feeling anxiety, for some weird reason I felt the need to call him, why? I do not know because I can get more emotional support from the wall than from him.
I have been going to al-anon for over two years now,I am in a good relationship and this time with a "normal" guy that has no addictions. It is so different now, sometimes I get scared and think he is going to leave me because I have so much baggage but he is loving and understanding. I read once that real love allows you to grow to be you, to be free, and he let me go thru the pain but he stands next to me for support when I need it not obsessing or forcing but just there right next to me.
He is everything I wanted my xah to be (without the addiction).
There are good men and woman out there, we do deserve better.
Just have faith and trust your HP with all your might and he will take you over the pain and fear.

blackoutgirl

Meme-
My heart goes out to you for living under these circumstances. I don't have children, however, I do have experience with living with an alcoholic and seeing what it did to my parents relationship.

Being a child in this situation is terrifying. My Dad was, and still is a severe alcoholic. My parent's were together for almost 25 years and divorced over my Dad's alcoholism. He was abusive, mentally and verbally to my Mom and us kids as well.

He would pick apart my Mom and downgrade her for taking us to church. She didn't drink or smoke so religion was the only "fault" she had in my Dad's eyes. Whenever my Mom and Dad would fight, my sister and brother (and our dogs) would come to my room and sit quietly together in fear. We would listen at the screaming and yelling for hours sometimes until Dad calmed down....and hope that he didn't target us after he was done with Mom....which sometimes happened in his alcohol induced rage. None of us were safe.

I remember that after the fight was over, we would all tip toe around the house and act like nothing ever happened, avoid conversation or interaction all together. My Dad was like a loose cannon most of the time.

My Mom finally left him after all of us had graduated. You would think that after having lived like this that none of us would have substance abuse problems. I became an active alcoholic pretty quickly while in the military....and my sister became a meth addict.

I remember when I was 16, my sister was 14, and my brother was 10. We sat down with Mom when Dad was at work and told her that if she was to divorce him we would understand. She stayed with him under her own belief that "he loved us" and that "two parents are better than one."

He loved us alright. Grabbed my sister by her hair and held her up against a wall with her feet dangling, dragged me from the kitchen, over a doggie gait and into the livingroom on my knees, slapped my brother repeatedly up side the head, and held my mom by her neck up against the car when she tried to leave.

Put your kids first before him Meme. All of this was a slow progression too. Just because he isn't physical with your children now, doesn't mean that he won't do it. Especially if he doesn't decide to get help.

I'm not saying that all alcoholics turn into physical abusers. This is the worst case scenerio.

Your children need you, Meme. Be strong for them. They can't make anything change.

But you can.