swapped addictions- I was lost but now I am driven
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: San Francisco CA
Posts: 3
swapped addictions- I was lost but now I am driven
In so many ways I have swapped addictions
I was lost but now I am driven
intensely driven by the uncompromising, disciplined critical voices within
That said, I have lost something
and I am no longer truly inspired
when I do manage to hear the music on the horizon,
or from my past more self-consumed orchestrations,
I literally shake
There is such intensity,
such fragility,
such vulnerability,
and I desire to reclaim it somehow
I have, out of fear, consciously and deliberately buried these "fragile ways" beneath countless grains of complexity and achievements
But because I put these insecurities to rest in shallow graves
I can see still see their shape and feel their approximate form
They are always somewhat visible beneath a meticulously interwoven and unnaturally even layer ofmanaged earth
This plot, which I so cleverly landscaped
is by design meant to obscure and confuse
Obscure the naked bodies and confuse me in my times of clarity
so that I do not continue searching for their remains
When none of these levers or mechanisms work
I then, and only then, find opportunities to reflect
It is in these imposed precious moments I
reconsider, deconstruct, evolve, adapt, construct and progress
- in spite of myself
I was lost but now I am driven
intensely driven by the uncompromising, disciplined critical voices within
That said, I have lost something
and I am no longer truly inspired
when I do manage to hear the music on the horizon,
or from my past more self-consumed orchestrations,
I literally shake
There is such intensity,
such fragility,
such vulnerability,
and I desire to reclaim it somehow
I have, out of fear, consciously and deliberately buried these "fragile ways" beneath countless grains of complexity and achievements
But because I put these insecurities to rest in shallow graves
I can see still see their shape and feel their approximate form
They are always somewhat visible beneath a meticulously interwoven and unnaturally even layer ofmanaged earth
This plot, which I so cleverly landscaped
is by design meant to obscure and confuse
Obscure the naked bodies and confuse me in my times of clarity
so that I do not continue searching for their remains
When none of these levers or mechanisms work
I then, and only then, find opportunities to reflect
It is in these imposed precious moments I
reconsider, deconstruct, evolve, adapt, construct and progress
- in spite of myself
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Beautiful writing Ian, the mental acrobatics and deep thinking we invest in trying to find answers to the unansweable questions. Kind of like trying to figure out the meaning of life. I detect a tone in your writing, almost that of a person dealing with a depression born out of an emptiness of sorts. Almost as if you want to move forward with new inspiration and passion but no such options seem to exist. I think we've all dealt with those feelings to one degree or another. When you've tasted fleeting periods of bliss and you're cast back into the ordinary you feel lost and uninspired.
The corollary to living a substance free life is something we can all relate to. Without the artificial bliss we found in drugs/alcohol we're left with the ordinary. Maybe that's why alcoholics/addicts are such seekers, always searching for something to fill the void even when we don't even know what that something is.
The corollary to living a substance free life is something we can all relate to. Without the artificial bliss we found in drugs/alcohol we're left with the ordinary. Maybe that's why alcoholics/addicts are such seekers, always searching for something to fill the void even when we don't even know what that something is.
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