pangur

I was drinking a lot, everyday, and I hated it

least

i was sick to death of waking up sicker than hell and hating myself. my constant thought was wishing i were dead, not a healthy way to live.

anew

I was tired of being sick all of the time. The hangovers were almost incapacitating. I was tired of trying to find new hiding places for my bottles. Tired of telling myself during a blistering hangover "never again" only to drink a few days later. I was starting to have abdominal pain and my blood pressure was through the roof. I got myself into a program and did IOP and aftercare with a substance abuse counselor for a year and also did AA and CBT. Thank God I don't have to live like that anymore.

Watcher

First it was giving up doing things I enjoyed because they interfered with my beer drinking. The final blow was telling my family while drunk that I wasn't going to stop doing something I enjoyed just because they thought I should.

Then I realized what had become important to me, and that it had to change.

Mescal

Mine was getting kicked out of the house by my wife when she got home from work to find me passed out again, while the kids were napping. I left the house, driving of course, went to a strip club for no apparent reason and spent way too much money. I had condemmed old friends for doing the same thing. Woke up in my wife's office the next morning with my own vomit in my hair. I've only been sober for a few days since then. My guilt is almost overwhelming. I've thrown myself into AA with two meetings in the last 3 days. Have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow. and two more AA meetings later this week. I have to do this, i have 100% admitted that i am powerless and if i continue like this i'll lose it all.

Pete55

1. after 35 years, "full circle and a half", the last blackout drunk was humiliating and sorry did not cut it any more.
I never knew of AA, never done rehabs and somehow survived.
I found out about what a real alcoholic is, and realized I been fooling myself ever since.

2. Had many many rock bottoms, but this time it was different, the rock bottom of all rock bottoms in my case held a "vacum" and a moment of clarity.
My life was rewinding like a movie and suddenly all issues came to one common denominator, Alcohol and the delsusion that what I feel like after a few drinks can no longer possibly be normal.

3. I rang AA and the person on the other side of the phone knew what to say.
He was a recovered alcoholic and we spoke mainly on the physical side of things, that the first drink triggers a craving for more and the change in personality is part of the effects.
I went to a meeting, bought the Big Book and "tested" the Jekyl and Hyde" experience, and knew then I was real alcoholic, that the change is not what I thought it was.
I busted twice and been sober now for nearly 4 years.
However, I need to practice the 12 Steps and try to share my experience in the hope it helps others, it's the medicine that works for me.

foodie1

It was an accumulation for me. In my earlier days the DUI should've been a clue. The boyfriend who told me I was alarmingly possessive with my drinks. The time I passed out while peeing and fell forward splitting my head open. The daily hangover. The thought, "it'd be just fine if I died today, just fine with me."
Then in the later days, the absolute dependency on those two bottles of wine per night. Drinking them ever faster so I could get drunker without having to open a third bottle. More falling and hurting various body parts. Not remembering any conversation that happened past 7:00 p.m. Night sweats. Morning shaking. Feeling of complete uselessness and disgust with myself.
I don't know why I stopped. Nothing "happened." I didn't go to treatment. I was just fed up with my life. After two weeks I got up the courage to go to AA. I would never go back to my "life" before. I simply had no idea what it meant to feel good. Now I know.

NYCDoglvr

I had been drinking about a magnum of wine daily for years. Lots of blackouts (so many my best friend knows my story better than I do). It was a week before Christmas, my brother had brought a beautiful blue spruce and on a Saturday night, I decided to decorate it. I'd cut out red wine (tannic acid makes me drunk!) but someone had given me two high quality St. Emilion Bordeaux. And hey, it's festive. On a step ladder I was in a great mood, putting up lights and sparkly balls.

When I next opened my eyes I was in Mt. Siani Hospital strapped to a gurney. For some reason (to this day I have no recollection why) I took a lot of Valium and went to sleep. My best friend knew I was hope but I didn't answer the phone. On a hunch he let himself in............

They made me stay for three days, but in the regular hospital ward, with a full-time attendant. The doctors went on rounds several times per day. They'd come in, point to my roommate and say "that bed is diabetes" then point to me and say "this is pills and alcohol"

Terrified me so much I crawled into AA sure I was going to die because I couldn't stop drinking (not that I'd ever tried..). That was 20 years ago.

bmwcycle

It was the constant lowering of the bar of my acceptable behavior to justify my drinking. The hangovers and shame spiral that accompanied them were to much to handle.

It took over 25 years drinking to get to that point I can not point to a time that I crossed the line, but I definitely did. Not true rock bottom but as a buddy of mine says "You do not have to go to the bottom of the ocean to know that it is sand."


I thought about it for about a year, tried to stop a few times but would never tell anyone what I was doing or trying to accomplish, so there was no fear of failure. Once I set my mind to it and made the it "public", in a drunken coked up haze, I have not had another drink.

Thanks for the thread, and all the responses..

Sugah

1. Ultimately, I felt dead inside and I was given the gift of sight--I was finally able to put aside my self-pity for a moment and see how much pain I was causing those who were trying hard to still love me. I wasn't sure if I could live without alcohol (and drugs), but I knew I couldn't keep living with them. I was 34.

2. I knew for years I needed to stop. Waking up from blackouts, not knowing what might have happened to me or what I might have done to someone else; being sick for days after a bender, losing jobs and making excuses that it was some reason other than my drinking; same with relationships--always finding some reason to blame the break-up on him and not on my drinking. The list goes on. Many times, I had reached a bottom that may have been enough for others, but it was just the bring shiny top of the next hole I'd begun to dig.

3. I tried many times to moderate or stop long enough to get past consequences, but I only surrendered once. And then I took action (the steps).

You also asked in the title of this thread what made us realize we were alcoholic. I remember very clearly because I wasn't drunk yet.

I was sitting on a stone retaining wall talking to a friend, starting in on a 12-pack of beer while we were waiting for some other friends to return with a keg of beer. He pointed out to me that I didn't drink like our other friends, that I tried to "cram all my 'fun' into a short period of time" (in other words, I drank hard and fast to get drunk hard and fast). I remember thinking, "Yeah, I'm just like my dad."

I was thirteen. I was drinking that way for four years by then.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

gaffo

1.My kids are getting to the age where they notice everything. I didn't want them to notice that dad had a beer all the time. That was the final straw.

2.I'm 46 now. I've known that I was an alcoholic since I was 19. For my entire drinking career I've had hangovers, black outs and binges aplenty. I used to drink lots of malt liquor all day then graduated to good microbrew all day--not normal behavior but I didn't care. I was a "practicing" alcoholic. None the less, it was starting to mess with my program, if that makes any sense.

3.One day, 88 days ago, I decided that I'd had enough. After over 46,000 beers and miscellaneous wine and booze I retired. It hasn't been easy but it has been deeply rewarding. The immediate benefits were profound--no hangovers, no more bad dreams, better sleep, better eating, better communication. The ongoing benefits have been more sublime but unexpected and delightful. I had good times drinking but I don't miss it at all. I am committed.

jc76

I will DIE a long slow agonizing death, or commit suicide. Those were my options. Then it hit hit me "wow, im a mess." I am 35, started drinking at 32 when my mom died from breast cancer. I was alone and booze became my numbing agent. Day n night. Then came the insanity and the divorce (lucky no kids involved) a woman can only take so much of her guy being a wasted empty soul. Then my long lost father and I started to make contact and rebond when he dropped dead of a heart attack. I knew since I was a kid that I was always gonna be the Wierd one, but alcohol brings out all the hidden negativity and basically I transform into a monster when I drink, or I drink and stare at the wall catatonic. So I got on meds and quit drinking. I knew all along i.was alcoholic. Never once denied it to anyone. Ill openly tell anyone thanks for the offer of drink but I'm an alcoholic and if I drink me, and or other people could die as a result of this first sip.

instant

It's an interesting question. There was no big event, but I finally accepted that it was drawing near. My physical health had been failing for several years (bad heartburn, hypertension etc etc). I could not do things I used to do, my ability to function at work had been seriously compromised for some time and I was waiting for a tap on the shoulder. My marriage was disintegrating and the kids were always making comments to their friends about my inebriated state on Facebook. Things were piling up everywhere.

I had a six week break a year before and had slipped when stressed. I had been trying to have a week off for months, but could not go more than a day or two. I drank most of the weekend and by Monday I was in a mess. I had no resolve left and was just desperate, and knew it was going to get much worse, and probably very quickly.

Being grateful for what I have has made a big difference to me.

Linking in to SR on day 2 or 3 and reading the Big Book got me going

camedown

1- I knew I was an alcoholic about five years before actually quitting, hard to drink 15+ drinks every night and not think so. I accepted that it was my lot in life though, never felt a need to quit, I was all in. I had no idea my last drink would be my last drink.(Bud and a Jager shot, my usual)

2- As of this Saturday, it will be eight months ago I checked into the ER with severe abdominal pains. Turned out to be pancreatitis. Spent the nest two weeks in the hospital, detoxing and almost dying.

3- Walked out of the hospital and into AA, haven't had a sip since.

Linz

I've wanted to quit and stay quit since September, 2009.
I'm sick of the debilitating hangovers.
Missing school.
Missing work.
Sick of being sick.
Sick of being exhausted.
Sick of feeling as if I have no control over it.
Sick of all of my problems building up and up and up.
Sick of not dealing with my crazy emotions.
Saying things that I don't mean.
Meaning things that I don't say.
Struggles with easy homework because of a hangover.
Depression.
Puking.
Not eating right.

I'm just really sick of being an alcoholic. If the fact of being an alcoholic does not change, but I can change my active-alcoholism, that's all right too.
I am sick of always making up excuses for not going to AA meetings.

Purplecatlover

When I realized I alcohol was never going to make me happy, 1 more was never enough. If I controlled it, I was miserable. I only wanted to get trashed. My child is getting old enough to know what's going on. I did some crazy things & luckily I didn't die. But all that shame, guilt still wasn't enough. I just finally was ready. I started reading SR about 3 wks ago & have found more inspiration & encouragement. Glad you are here. I'm on day 11. Feeling really hopeful.