48 years old and still yearning for mom's approval
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
48 years old and still yearning for mom's approval
i just relapsed as an alcoholic and while i was drunk i called my mom, didn't say anything bad and did tell her i love her. i know she is disappointed with me again , we haveb't talked in 5 days. i'm not sure how to approach her. i'm racked with guilt . We live in the same town and my therapist has told me i'm one of the most devoted daughters she knows. She depends on me and my brother for alot and we also help support her financially. in my mother's eyes we never do enough for her sober or not. i am again working on my sobriety but i just dont know what to say to her. i can understand her feelings of anger and i worry about her but will never get her approval and it's driving me nuts cause i feel i am a good daughter to her.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Welcome.
I have so much to say, reading this, so much whirls through my head, but it's so late, and I am too tired to type much.
Are you sober again? It takes time for the fog to clear. Don't repeat her mistake of needing things to be a certain way on the outside for you to accept life. In this case she badgers YOU to change HER life, and you are allowing her approval or disapproval to have a LOT of power in your life.
Apron strings can end up choking people on both ends of them, especially if both people are pulling hard on them.
I believe we owe other people respect, but not our lives or peace of mind. Maybe she is incapable of approval of anything.
I have so much to say, reading this, so much whirls through my head, but it's so late, and I am too tired to type much.
Are you sober again? It takes time for the fog to clear. Don't repeat her mistake of needing things to be a certain way on the outside for you to accept life. In this case she badgers YOU to change HER life, and you are allowing her approval or disapproval to have a LOT of power in your life.
Apron strings can end up choking people on both ends of them, especially if both people are pulling hard on them.
I believe we owe other people respect, but not our lives or peace of mind. Maybe she is incapable of approval of anything.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi anhauser
Welcome back
I guess my answer is in two parts.
The first part is the observation that all the meaningful relationships in my life got better when I stayed sober.
It makes a lot of sense because my life became less chaotic, my head was a lot clearer and I gave the people who loved me way less to worry about.
The second part is I got better the more I stayed sober too.
I got a lot better at finding the value in me, at appreciating my strengths, and at looking at my flaws from a grounded, more balanced perspective.
The more I got comfortable with who I was, and how I lived my life, the less I found myself looking for validation from others.
Sometimes I think we can be so in awe of the immenseness of the problem of our drinking that it's easy to focus instead on other things.
Maybe some lateral thinking is required and the answer here is to focus on you for now, and not so much on your mom?
I have a similar relationship with my mum - ultimately, I had to accept she would never see me the way I wanted to be seen or be the mother I wanted her to be.
You and your moms relationship will still be there to deal with...when you're better equipped to handle it
I'd focus on you and what you need for now.
Do you have a sobriety plan?
D
Welcome back
I guess my answer is in two parts.
The first part is the observation that all the meaningful relationships in my life got better when I stayed sober.
It makes a lot of sense because my life became less chaotic, my head was a lot clearer and I gave the people who loved me way less to worry about.
The second part is I got better the more I stayed sober too.
I got a lot better at finding the value in me, at appreciating my strengths, and at looking at my flaws from a grounded, more balanced perspective.
The more I got comfortable with who I was, and how I lived my life, the less I found myself looking for validation from others.
Sometimes I think we can be so in awe of the immenseness of the problem of our drinking that it's easy to focus instead on other things.
Maybe some lateral thinking is required and the answer here is to focus on you for now, and not so much on your mom?
I have a similar relationship with my mum - ultimately, I had to accept she would never see me the way I wanted to be seen or be the mother I wanted her to be.
You and your moms relationship will still be there to deal with...when you're better equipped to handle it
I'd focus on you and what you need for now.
Do you have a sobriety plan?
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
anhauser--
wow I can relate...I'm not an A but the daughter/sister of A's and grew up with a super codependent mom.
A dear friend finally said something when I was in my 30's - and still trying to please mom, wishing she was different, wishing she would show/give me what I needed - he said "B, when are you going to stop torturing yourself and accept that the mother you have is not the mother you wish you had?"
For whatever reason I just turned that concept over and over in my mind: Not my concept of my mom but the "when?" Because she wasn't going to magically morph into my dream mom, the past is gone, and it was just stubborn old me who was refusing to change and accept her 100% as she is.
Eventually, with therapy and AlAnon, I was able to let go of my expectations and just accept her as is. Sad? Sure. But REALITY is where I live my best life - truth and reality are where it's at for me!
Good luck with your sobriety - I hope you seek/find support and tackle that tough road....one step at a time.
Peace-
B
wow I can relate...I'm not an A but the daughter/sister of A's and grew up with a super codependent mom.
A dear friend finally said something when I was in my 30's - and still trying to please mom, wishing she was different, wishing she would show/give me what I needed - he said "B, when are you going to stop torturing yourself and accept that the mother you have is not the mother you wish you had?"
For whatever reason I just turned that concept over and over in my mind: Not my concept of my mom but the "when?" Because she wasn't going to magically morph into my dream mom, the past is gone, and it was just stubborn old me who was refusing to change and accept her 100% as she is.
Eventually, with therapy and AlAnon, I was able to let go of my expectations and just accept her as is. Sad? Sure. But REALITY is where I live my best life - truth and reality are where it's at for me!
Good luck with your sobriety - I hope you seek/find support and tackle that tough road....one step at a time.
Peace-
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Coventry, RI
Posts: 61
Your title says it all. The answers are already inside of you which is why you have the questions you have as to how to deal with it all.
It's not our parents approval we need - it's God's approval we need. How do we get that? By following His directions for alcoholics as laid out in the Big Book of AA, for starters.
We think we feel guilty about our relationships when really we feel guilty that we're not growing with God by following His principles, the basics of which I began to learn in that Book.
Unless that therapist is a recovered alcoholic, she can't help you recover either. Although she may be helping you stay alive right now, only an alcoholic can help another alcoholic recover, and her mental solution is not the type we alcoholics need to recover, we need a spiritual solution. In fact, once I began to do the work in the Big Book I realized that talk therapy was hurting me; it wasn't even a "half-measure" - it was plain and simply pulling me in the wrong direction. Later on in the latter steps I could better see how to use certain modes of therapy for extra help, but even now I have to be careful as to what I choose to take in.
It's fine to financially support family members if you can really do it, or help them get the financial support they need, but saving people is not our job. Being what our families or others want us to be is not the deal here and can keep us sick. It's not about blaming them - they're doing their best too. But in the end, everyone has to be on their own path with God, with their own willingness to grow.
There is an overt feeling of guilt when we think of not saving others anymore, and that has to be pressed through with the support of a really good, experienced sponsor who knows the work in the Big Book (jn my opinion and experience).
I wish you grace and courage as you continue on your journey.
It's not our parents approval we need - it's God's approval we need. How do we get that? By following His directions for alcoholics as laid out in the Big Book of AA, for starters.
We think we feel guilty about our relationships when really we feel guilty that we're not growing with God by following His principles, the basics of which I began to learn in that Book.
Unless that therapist is a recovered alcoholic, she can't help you recover either. Although she may be helping you stay alive right now, only an alcoholic can help another alcoholic recover, and her mental solution is not the type we alcoholics need to recover, we need a spiritual solution. In fact, once I began to do the work in the Big Book I realized that talk therapy was hurting me; it wasn't even a "half-measure" - it was plain and simply pulling me in the wrong direction. Later on in the latter steps I could better see how to use certain modes of therapy for extra help, but even now I have to be careful as to what I choose to take in.
It's fine to financially support family members if you can really do it, or help them get the financial support they need, but saving people is not our job. Being what our families or others want us to be is not the deal here and can keep us sick. It's not about blaming them - they're doing their best too. But in the end, everyone has to be on their own path with God, with their own willingness to grow.
There is an overt feeling of guilt when we think of not saving others anymore, and that has to be pressed through with the support of a really good, experienced sponsor who knows the work in the Big Book (jn my opinion and experience).
I wish you grace and courage as you continue on your journey.
Originally Posted by anhauser 
i just relapsed as an alcoholic and while i was drunk i called my mom, didn't say anything bad and did tell her i love her. i know she is disappointed with me again , we haveb't talked in 5 days. i'm not sure how to approach her. i'm racked with guilt . We live in the same town and my therapist has told me i'm one of the most devoted daughters she knows. She depends on me and my brother for alot and we also help support her financially. in my mother's eyes we never do enough for her sober or not. i am again working on my sobriety but i just dont know what to say to her. i can understand her feelings of anger and i worry about her but will never get her approval and it's driving me nuts cause i feel i am a good daughter to her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
thank you for your replies. i have started going to meetings and i have a church i really like. my next step is to work the steps and get a sponsor and to try alanon. i feel like my therapist is someone i want to continue with because even though she can't get me to stop drinking , she does believe in aa as a tool and she is very spiritual and i feel like she has led me to God more than anyone else has in my lifetime. so much of what you guys or gals has said is true but it is hard for me to feel differently. my mom has a big grip on me , especially now cause she's older.
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