davaidavai

The cravings seem to be increasing lately, as if, passing out of the critical stages, normal life is becoming a trigger. I finished a big project which felt like a great ocassion for tippling. I wanted to go out and buy a flask. The presence of booze hasn't been as big an issue as has been my brain working hard to rationalize a binge. Yesterday, I made a drunk/sober list to remind myself of why I'm not drinking.

Things are getting better. In some weird way, I feel like life is rewarding me for this attempt. The difference between drunk and sober is the difference between hoplessness and hopefullness. Although, at times it's really hard to recall the toilet clutching, puke in the bed, insane emotional outbursts, prolonged suicidal states. I keep reminding myself.

Changes:

I feel slightly more confident. I still often feel disliked, odd, undesirable but I'm able to put myself out there a little more in order to try to prove those presuppositions wrong.
I no longer stay until the end of events.
I feel more in control; am still fearful of total failure and homelessness, but feel like now I have some semblance of emotional control and can handle it. If I go back to booze, that will all go out the window
I feel healthier, my lungs clearer
I think I've gained 5-10 pounds
I can function on less sleep
I'm able to kind of enjoy people's company and certain environments in a way I wasn't before. That's the oddest result.

Zencat

5 weeks is great, keep moving froward with your recovery.