Linz

I find that every time I get drunk, it eases the tensity or heaviness that exists when I am home when the boyfriend gets here....
For that, I drink.
heavily,
uncontrollably,
inconveniently,
unsteadily,
and sadly.

I need help,
Unfortunately I'm not sure this website can provide that any longer, I have to move on... counselors, work, school, AA, - those things are all just hope, not reality to me.
I'm not sure just what will help me... A lot of people have said "get out of the relationship that you're in!!!!" As many of you know, easier said than done, eh?

Thank you all for your support... I feel blessed that I ever even encountered this website.
It's not that it didn't work, it's that I didn't let it... I know.

I'll be back.

Love Linds.

Deserto

Linz, you're in school, right? Does your school have counseling that might be available free of charge?

If not, there is AA and other support groups. These things don't have to be "just hope" -- they are a reality that you can reach out to at any moment.

Don't worry about the bf -- concentrate on your sobriety. The rest will follow. You have done a lot of work and are closer than you think to breaking through.

SR is great, and I hope you'll stick around. But if it's not enough, that's ok. There are so many more resources out there for you.

Please stick with it and when you feel it's right come back and let us know how you're doing -- good or bad, we're here for you.

DayTrader

Anxiety, tension, inability to live life happily......those are some of the symptoms of alcoholism. Alcohol treats that, somewhat poorly, but it does treat it temporarily. As you're discovering, it's not enough of a solution though...it doesn't bring the true happiness that you're really looking for.

The only place I've found that joy I've always wanted is by practicing the principles of recovery. Not drinking is definitely a part of that...but in and of itself, not drinking didn't solve my "inability to live life happily" problem. Real recovery did that....and more.......oh, and by practicing a strong recovery program you get the answers you've been looking for, the life you've been looking for, and you won't need to ever drink again.

Dee74

Hi Linz

I really believe you can do this - we all can - but you have to really want to - you have to believe in yourself and believe you deserve it.

Whatever else you try, I really hope you'll get 'there' soon - and I hope you'll stick around here too

D

Linz

I'm so insensitive. I pretty much just wrote that this website does not work for me... I love "coming" here and it has helped in ways.
Being drunk, one should never post things... anywhere.
I apologize for that last post of mine...
There is tons of advice out there and I tend to find a lot of it here. I appreciate all of you.

soberjim

Linz

Please stick around and post. I wish you well in your struggle. Like Dee said believe in yourself and that you deserve it.

Jim

ru12

Linz, post anytime you want. Come here when you need some friends.

Look, it took me a long time to do the ONE thing that helped me . . . and that was to just stop drinking. All the rest of the stuff can help with how you live life, but until you stop poisoning yourself with alcohol, nothing will get better. It will just keep getting worse until you just want to give up and die (that was my experience). I've been sober now for almost a year. It can be done. And I am mostly happy.

Be easy on yourself, but just stop drinking and then address the other issues that are going on with your life.

Paraffin

I also find it difficult to do the ACTION required to recover from our illness.

At the end of the day though, we are whatever our ACTIONS suggest we are, therefore I can only possibly be a recovering alcoholic if my actions prove thatI am.

Wanting to be free from alcohol is simply not enough.

Best wishes.

OceanSize

:ghug3 Linz :ghug3

Still thinking about you. I'm impressed by your honesty, knowing what you need, and posting here. You haven't offended me and it looks as though nobody else is offended either. And even if you behave offensively....keep coming back! Seriously.

Sounds to me that you know what you need, but there's a disconnect between knowing and doing. That's ok, many of us have been there - at least i know i certainly have.

Even though I woke up the morning after my last drunk (109 days ago) knowing i had to get to AA asap, even though i was less than familiar with the program, i only actually got there because a very punctual person picked me up in her car and honked outside my window. I had to get in the car. Many people believe that was step 1 out of 12. I agree with that - my step 1 was simply getting into the car of the person who drove me to my first meeting. At that meeting I found a sponsor and within days I was working the steps, or rather they began to work me. or both. I am finishing up step 4 right now.

Anyway, I didn't think I could get my butt into AA meetings, or that it was going to help. But it is and I went, and I have found it helpful.

I also have a therapist, and she is amazing. Therapy and AA work together beautifully. I basically work a program of recovery that, while intensive, allows me to continue my work, which has hours not unlike those of a student, even has homework. I believe that you can do this without sacrificing your education at the same time. I've seen others do it, and i cant believe I am managing to do it - I was a very lazy person before recovery. I didn't think i was, but i was....always looking for the easiest fastest way around anything uncomfortable. maybe it was a vicodin, a glass of wine, or just delaying the inevitable recovery program i absolutely needed. But now i'm doing what i'm doing and I have yet to look backwards longingly. the only part of my past that i miss is my boyfriend, but i sufficiently screwed that up, thanks to my insane 'isms (the disease).

I can't tell you what to do but I hope very much that by sharing my experience(s) with you that i am providing some help.

I don't like to push AA on to anyone, your recovery is in your hands. You may feel a lot better after just getting to a meeting - my first meeting was a women's meeting. I looked around the room and couldn't believe how many gorgeous strong women were in the room. I wanted what they had. I couldn't believe any of them had drinking problems or pill popping problems or any other problems - but they do and did.

Recovery is tricky. We have to hit bottom to get there, but sometimes the bottom comes up to hit us, and springs us into action.

Hello from a business trip where, despite many offers, i have remained sober. This is absolutely crazy - these trips were usually where i drank the most. Now i'm enjoying everything in a new way, and getting work done. I found AA in the cities i'm in and i have walked out of each meeting feeling good.

i never thought this would be my life. and yet....it is.

anyway, i'll shut up now. just wanted to reach out and let you know what's worked for me so far.

Best to you always!

Jay1980

Hey Linz, I know it's not easy to get out of a relationship but do you think you could even get your BF to sit down and listen to you for a little while? Let you explain to him how you're feeling? What you're going through? I'm sorry you're going through this right now and I won't say I know exactly how you're feeling but I can definitely relate.

Miela

(((Linz))), I agree, you really should get some real time help (counsellor, for example) and, if your relationship is a big part of the problem, s/he will be able to support you through this. I know how difficult it can be to leave. I am with a violent, abusive partner and I feel so stuck. Right now there are financial reasons why it isn't possible to go, but even when it would have been possible for me to leave, I stayed. Idiot that I am. I am now seeing a counsellor who deals with domestic violence and we are working on building me up so I will have the strength to go.

It really sounds like you do need some extra help with all of this. Reach out - you deserve better than this.

M x

Dee74

I didn't read it as a criticism at all, Linz

I agree - I think it would be good to you to look at other avenues of support as well, but I hope you'll stick around here too....we're a community after all, and you're a part of it

D

OceanSize

for what its worth Linz, i'm back on this thread right now, and SR overall to try and get out of my head and a rut that i feel.

because i'm sitting in a hotel room at almost 10:30pm all wrapped up in my head missing my ex even though he doesn't love me. I'm missing someone who does not love me. how crazy is this? It's insane!

So basically, this stuff doesn't go away with sobriety but now that i'm sober i'm reaching for better tools, and it does feel better.

after i write this i'll read more threads. in the past i'd pop a pill. or drink AT him, make threats of doing anything i could "at" him (all talk...), or think thoughts of revenge like "i'll just find someone else right away" "i'll just have sex" etc - but i haven't done that. somehow in 108 days i've managed to relearn a few things and am using a different "set of tools" and actually reaching for them and then...using them. some of them, at least.

i suck at it too - like i said, i'm all wrapped up in my selfish head. and that's not where i want to be.

Needless to say i'm not seeking out random encounters in the form of revenge..not seeing anyone else at all, haven't even explored that at all. Which, frankly, is how i've handled the end of most relationships.

So instead, i'm alone in a king size hotel bed on a day off of a business trip missing the 5h1t out of him. which means... i'm healing. this is a totally new thing. healing. and if i still feel this way about him when i'm healed, so be it. But right now i'm taking proper measures to heal. maybe as a result i'll figure out what i really want.

so, even though i feel pretty crappy right now, i'm reaching for tools that are far healthier than the last set i used to own.

now i'm all self conscious that i'm hijacking your thread.

that's how crazy i am.

it doesn't go away, but it does get better. I haven't created more wreckage. just dealing with it here and now and trying to enjoy where i am in the moment. SR helps with that. Your thread helps. Just you being here helps.

thanks for reading this - SR is awesome and so are you.

ReadyAndAble

No, it doesn't, Linz. See, that's the biggest lie of all, addiction's ultimate trick, an illusion that turns reality on its head. Alcoholism creates that tense, heavy feeling. It's a cause, not a cure.

I hope you're feeling better tonight. You don't have to return to that dark place. It's a shorter walk home than you think.

Linz

Thanks all.
Ocean, you did not hijack my thread, I enjoy reading your positive reinforcements.