had a relapse...and it wasn't pretty
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan
Posts: 38
Reading some of these posts was like a verbatim recollection of my last spree... Started drinking on a friday night, invited two friends to my cabin up North to go hunting on Saturday. They weren't drinking with me (I was secretly downing cocktails, as one of the friends is a long term AA member and has been sober for years). In my chemically ravaged mind, I could be drunk around them and it wouldn't be noticed... By 11pm on Saturday my friend anounced "Your tripping us out", and they left. I drank whiskey all the way to another friends house an hour away, where I continued the spree well into Sunday afternoon. I woke up at 5am on Monday morning, with terror, confusion, and near DTs. Empty bottles and ciggerette butts on my floor, and a whole series of insane and humiliating facebook activity to delete or appologize for, as well as phone calls to nearly everyone in my phone at 3am. It was one of countless times I repeated this same behaviour...
What I've realized about my alcoholism, is that I never "learn my lesson". It gets worse and more out of control every time, and my behavior became only more erratic and insane. If I pick up a drink, I'm giving an insane and evil entity permission to hijack my life and undo whatever progress I've made since my last bottom. Self destruction is one drink away at any given time, but thankfully, we have a choice
In time, I beleive we can fully repair the damages and live good, fullfilling lives.
What I've realized about my alcoholism, is that I never "learn my lesson". It gets worse and more out of control every time, and my behavior became only more erratic and insane. If I pick up a drink, I'm giving an insane and evil entity permission to hijack my life and undo whatever progress I've made since my last bottom. Self destruction is one drink away at any given time, but thankfully, we have a choice
In time, I beleive we can fully repair the damages and live good, fullfilling lives.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
You are so right when you say we have absolutely NO control after ONE drink. Don't beat yourself up. It won't do any good. It will just make you feel worse.
I decided to take a drink on a Friday 3 & 1/2 years ago and ended up in jail 8 hours later with a DUI. There I was, laying on the floor of a jail cell in a jumpsuit next to a crack bead prostitute all because I chose to drink ONE drink and couldn't stop.
One day at a time your life will get sooooooo much better if you remain sober. It's not instant but it gets better. Good luck and hang in there!
I decided to take a drink on a Friday 3 & 1/2 years ago and ended up in jail 8 hours later with a DUI. There I was, laying on the floor of a jail cell in a jumpsuit next to a crack bead prostitute all because I chose to drink ONE drink and couldn't stop.
One day at a time your life will get sooooooo much better if you remain sober. It's not instant but it gets better. Good luck and hang in there!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
NorthEnd79. Totally get what your saying in your thoughts you posted here. 3months ago I was a total wreck and all I did was binge as well for 4 days. I didn't think about work and I was hanging with a friend who was fired from our job due to not showing up for 2 days and missed work. All the things I did those 4 days was a total blackout. When morning came around I wanted more to drink! I waited till the liquor store opened up by my place at 9:30am and I was going nuts because I wanted to drink so bad and the hangover was kicking in... aka Withdrawal. Then I went in with my "friend" and bought more for our day. It was a real terrible thing. I did the same, thought I could drink in moderation. And yes it did "work" for me too. Only 1 night though. Then the next day I went out to buy MORE! Hard liquor and beers and those 4 days I went out everytime to buy more. I was so messed up I didn't care for my friends well being and when I heard that he passed out on his landlords porch and that he needed major help to his room. I was appalled of myself too. It was disgusting. Though I still showed up that afternoon hammered as hell and convinced him to come hang again and he gladly did, geez when I think back to that I was a real mess. I was even puking on his landlords lawn and downed more booze and went to the bar with him and downed more.
It's scray for sure the things you do when in a blackout and this "friend" of mine even once beat me down in a disagreement while plastered and that didn't even prevent me from drinking again.
Well stay strong because I know I am. I don't beat myself down for the things I have done, I needed to learn to forgive myself even though there are some resentments from my parents still, I know how to live and let live. I take 1 day at a time now and not think about how long I'll be sober for, but to only think to be sober only for today. It helped me alot to get this concept underway in my mind, I use to think I'd be sober for years after many relapses but it was proven too hard. Hopefully you'll get through some amends and some help. If it weren't for my AA. I wouldn't be here or any of us. my prayers are with you every night I go to bed I'll include you and all other suffering alcholics.
It's scray for sure the things you do when in a blackout and this "friend" of mine even once beat me down in a disagreement while plastered and that didn't even prevent me from drinking again.
Well stay strong because I know I am. I don't beat myself down for the things I have done, I needed to learn to forgive myself even though there are some resentments from my parents still, I know how to live and let live. I take 1 day at a time now and not think about how long I'll be sober for, but to only think to be sober only for today. It helped me alot to get this concept underway in my mind, I use to think I'd be sober for years after many relapses but it was proven too hard. Hopefully you'll get through some amends and some help. If it weren't for my AA. I wouldn't be here or any of us. my prayers are with you every night I go to bed I'll include you and all other suffering alcholics.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
Last night, I went out for supper with some friends and my son. It`s funny that I don`t tend to believe in signs...because the universe certainly likes to send them to my way, in all aspects of my life...I may have to give in to them.
We were at a buffet...and there was a large family gathering there as well..we were commenting on how cute the little ones were and so on. A man came into to join them...you could tell he was the black sheep of the family...totally unkempt, dirty, glassy eyes...he looked at me and there was some recognition. I said to me ex partner...who is that guy? why do I know him? and he said..that's so and so...and it I realized it was " Mike"...Mike who 7 years ago, we had to call all the time because his girlfriend was my neighbour and she was always getting heavily intoxicated, to the point she couldn't care for her children. I remember her showing up in my home one night, and behaving in such a way that it disgusted me. Quite similarly to how I behaved last weekend.
Oh my word. I thought I was so much better than her at that time. I talked down about her, was so angry she did that in my home unannounced. good lord. I am no better than her, no different. Back then, I was drinking socially about once a month or so...because my son was little, not because I hadn't had issues before my son was born...I was drinking to black out state even then, but because it wasn't as often, and I was in my early twenties ( which makes it more socially acceptable) I really thought I was better than her. I remember how much EVERYONE in the neighbourhood disliked her.
He was also drinking heavily and using drugs at that time..he was just not as sloppy as her. What a wake up call to see him. To have that memory of how I viewed her, and to see him, and see how he looked, even though we never thought he was as bad. I do NOT want to go down their path.
We were at a buffet...and there was a large family gathering there as well..we were commenting on how cute the little ones were and so on. A man came into to join them...you could tell he was the black sheep of the family...totally unkempt, dirty, glassy eyes...he looked at me and there was some recognition. I said to me ex partner...who is that guy? why do I know him? and he said..that's so and so...and it I realized it was " Mike"...Mike who 7 years ago, we had to call all the time because his girlfriend was my neighbour and she was always getting heavily intoxicated, to the point she couldn't care for her children. I remember her showing up in my home one night, and behaving in such a way that it disgusted me. Quite similarly to how I behaved last weekend.
Oh my word. I thought I was so much better than her at that time. I talked down about her, was so angry she did that in my home unannounced. good lord. I am no better than her, no different. Back then, I was drinking socially about once a month or so...because my son was little, not because I hadn't had issues before my son was born...I was drinking to black out state even then, but because it wasn't as often, and I was in my early twenties ( which makes it more socially acceptable) I really thought I was better than her. I remember how much EVERYONE in the neighbourhood disliked her.
He was also drinking heavily and using drugs at that time..he was just not as sloppy as her. What a wake up call to see him. To have that memory of how I viewed her, and to see him, and see how he looked, even though we never thought he was as bad. I do NOT want to go down their path.
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