Miela

Hi All,

Sorry I haven't been posting in a while. Been extremely busy with work, home stress etc.

So I'm 5 weeks dry today. Can't believe I've made it this far. The positives are the pains in my liver and pancreas have gone. I've developed a stomach ulcer but that's stress related (and obviously the alcohol was a big contributing factor too).

Unfortunately, as each week has gone by, my anxiety levels were becoming unbearable. I realise now that this anxiety was always there but everyday I would push it right down until I got home and knocked back that first glass of wine. It was such a relief - like as if I'd spent the whole day holding my breath and that first glass felt like being able to breathe again. Of course without wine I was without that outlet.

I am very bad at checking in with myself (in fact, I don't think I ever do this) and things came to a head this week. I wasn't sleeping and anxiety was wearing me down. I had a few days where I was so beat I couldn't even bring myself to get dressed or washed. I don't think I even drank any liquids those days. I've also realised just how much I hate myself. Whenever I look in the mirror, I always call myself a 'disgusting, waste of space of a human being' and 'the world would be a better place if you were dead', amongst a few. I spoke with my counsellor who is supporting me through leaving the domestic violence situation (which, unfortunately, has been presented with a fresh set of obstacles so it doesn't look like I'll be free anytime soon = more stress ). She advised me to visit my doctor ASAP as she was worried about my physical and emotional/mental wellbeing. Typically me, I thought she was making a big deal out of nothing and I was just being a self-pitying, drama queen, stupid b*tch. But, to get her off my back, I made an appointment. The doctor took one look at me and said, "I have never seen you so bad". At this point I could barely construct a coherent sentence and my body was shaking with anxiety. He knows about the domestic violence and is fantastically supportive - even writing a report for when I had to go to court to get a safety/protection order. He prescribed me Xanax and Stilnoct. Does this compromise my sobriety? To be honest, I'm going to say no for now because I'm being medically supervised and it was either that or who knows what could have happened. A few times when I was driving, I would see a tree or a pole up ahead and start trying to work out in my head what speed and what angle I would have to hit it to really do the job properly. My doctor is bringing me in this week again to do full blood work and he has recommended a therapist (my domestic violence counsellor will only work on helping me through leaving the situation and won't work on anything else).

So that's my story thus far. Apologies for the negativity and moaning. But I am 5 weeks dry so at least something, right?

Hope you're all doing OK and apologies once again for not contributing more to SR.

M x

sissy07

Miela,

I am so sorry you are having to go through that. It is one of those times where it is really important to maintain a clear, sober mind, as you deal with these issues. Trying to deal with all of that while using/drinking would be harder, and you would probably end of making some bad decisions that have far-reaching consequences. I know I did.

Stay strong and keep posting!

SSIL75

5 weeks is wonderful and honestly...living in a dangerous situation... how could you be anything but anxious?

Is it truly impossible for you to leave safely?

Dee74

Way to go on 5 week, Miela

I think prescribed meds are between you and your Dr - I wouldn;t consider myself not sober if it was me

I really hope you keep looking for a way out of the DV situation, miela - I'm concerned still too - did I post you a mess of links and phone numbers once?

D

Miela

Thank you all for your replies

Dee: Yes, thank you, you did forward me the links and phone numbers & I really appreciate it. I am living in a country in Europe and the area of domestic violence is horrendously underfunded The police have on many occasions, tried to get me and my son into a women's shelter but each time they have been full to capacity so we were left with no choice but to return home.

SSIL75, right now I am trapped for a number of reasons, and yes, I believe that my life & my son's life may be in danger if we left right now.


For now I am focusing on staying sober and working on my mental/emotional health so I can work towards a solution to this nightmare.

Thank you all again and hope you're all doing well.

M x

Veritas1

5 weeks! Congratulations.

Ashley

Congratulations!! (:

dawnrunner

Miela, I am glad to hear from you and so happy for your sobriety!! Thank goodness for some help from the doctor - don't even worry about it.

Here's hoping the domestic situation resolves in favor of your safety and continued good health. Don't forget to eat right! Nutrition is so incredibly important to peace of mind.

Sapling

You know....There is no problem you can have...No matter how big it is....That alcohol can't make worse....Just don't pick up. Don't worry about the Meds...I'll send a prayer your way. That never hurts.