heathersweeds

I dont even know where to start....my father is dying of cancer in tampa florida I live in new jersey. He is the most selfish and abusive human being I ever met! My son is autistic and I cant pack him up with me leaving him behind with his sister is stressful. Especially for a man who doesnt deserve any of my energy.I am so resentful....he beat and battered my mom brother and grandfather in front of me and had a second chance at life through a liver transplant due to alcoholism.I might miss my second sober thanksgiving with people that love me now .Anyone have any words of wisdom? I know Im being selfish but I dont have one good thing to say about this man.honestly

Sugah

Is there some reason you must go?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

heathersweeds

Hi Sugah- Thanx and I want to blow it off but my sponer is telling me I need closure and I think it would make me feel worse if I didnt go. Plus my brother has been there since january helping him through thick and thin.My brother has no children and its his choice to put his life on hold for a man that was never there for him but I am big sister so I feel I should go for him too.

dawnie24

In my eyes you're not bein selfish he beat your family up infront of you what kinda person does that ... Your children need you more than ever

theballguy

I was in a situation like this but with my mother. My mother is an addict. What helped me was remembering that I am powerless over alcohol and people too! Once I realized my mother was sick and treated her accordingly, I took on a new perspective. She doesn't bother me anymore. God bless you. Keep up the good work. It is also ok if you don't go. If it will hurt your recovery, you have every right to avoid him at this time.

theballguy

Your own recovery is more important than anything or person in this world.

theballguy

Sorry to be so disjointed... if you're not sober, everything else falls apart. In addition to sobriety, you do have every right to avoid someone who treats you like dirt. Even if it's your own dad or mom.

Sugah

You could have been describing my father -- the way he was during most of my childhood and early teens. He gave up booze and still was no bundle of sunshine (he got chemically sober, but he never found emotional sobriety). By the time he fell ill and needed me, he'd calmed down some. I was far enough along in my sobriety that I was ready to make a true amends to him, so I went and I took care of him until he died.

Yes, I made amends to him. I had a part in the trouble between us as I got older. I don't know your situation or if you can say the same. If you can't, I'm not sure what kind of closure you're looking for, especially if he's still abusive. If he is still abusive (you speak in the present tense), then is the point to say later that you were there and don't have to feel some misplaced guilt, even if that means you and your family suffer more as a result?

I had to cut ties with some family members to save my own sanity. Other than my own children, shared blood does not obligate me to anyone -- at least no more obligated than I am to any other human being. The time and energy I give to someone who disrespects and abuses me is time and energy I could be giving to someone who needs and appreciates my help.

So...again, I don't know the details or circumstances, or where you are in your sobriety, but I suggest you put your sobriety first and do what you can live with.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

heathersweeds

Thanx Sugah for giving me a new perspective! You are so right about wasted energy on people that have disrespected me time and time again! wow Sr rocks!!