Linz

Hi all.
I recently went on a short, VERY SHORT sobriety stint. Two and a half days to be exact! Wow. I felt as if I really might have a handle on it this time... boy, was I wrong.

Anyhow, yesterday I was driving around having one of those very irritated, feelings, one where all I wanted to do was drink. That is all I could think of. I thought about it from the time I woke up until I finally broke down and went to the bar.
I was driving around with my boyfriend. He didn't know what I hadn't drank the night before, or the night before that. I never confide in him because he's like my father in that way... I'll say, "alcohol (or cigarettes) are really getting to me, I want to stop, I don't know how." They both reply with something along the lines of, "well you can't succeed in something like that, so you shouldn't even try!" Or well, my dad wouldn't say that, he would just say, "yeah right, you'll be right back to it, it's only a matter of time." (Which has been true every single time in my past.
Boyfriend would say, "oh, you're going to become all enlightened and better than me." People can be extremely harsh, and very jealous...

So we're driving around and he mentions some things to do,
1.) go see where he worked, cutting down trees that day,
2.) go have a beer somewhere,
3.) go home, get high and watch movies...
He mentioned a few other things, all of which didn't sound that intriguing to me. All except for the beer.
I didn't say yes or no, I didn't say anything at all.
And then it came out.

He started laughing. I asked him what was funny and he said, "you said no to everything else except getting a beer, god you're unbelievable, I find that so funny."
I asked him how it was funny that I am tempted 24/7 to drink... he said that funny things don't have reasons and that I should stop asking stupid questions.
I felt as if he was laughing at some disease that I have that I can't help. I broke down even more.
We went to the bar and some dude that was in there kept buying the entire bar shots of whatever.
We left and I didn't feel that drunk, maybe a little buzzed. The boyfriend got mad, as he usually does when he drinks, and started saying things like "bitch" and "crazy" and "unbelievable." I couldn't do anything except listen. I have no idea what he was mad at, I didn't do a single thing. (I have been guilty of getting crazy while drunk in the past, but this time I really didn't do anything.)

Anyhow, point being... has anyone ever laughed at you for struggling with the addiction? I'm not quite sure how or why that is funny, and he told me not to ask stupid questions, but I know you guys are pretty supportive when it comes to things like this...

Fandy

you might ask yourself why you are with someone who belittles your efforts, swears at you and makes fun of you (both drunk and sober). I think boyfriends are supposed to be the exact opposite....and you got into a car and drove with him????

bellakeller

I don't like that person you are with. Just sayin'. (to borrow from stugotz)

Aside from that, there's a great book for codie's you could check out and see if it helps. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It certainly helped my relationship.

You can get daily insights online too, right here:

Thought for the Day -- Hazelden

The Language of Letting Go by the above author saved my butt during the hairiest times in our relationship. I slept with that book under my pillow for about a year.

1983ritag

If someone continued to laugh at me because of something I was struggling with, I wouldn't associate with them anymore. I don't know him but the way you describe, he seems very unsupportive and disrespectful. You don't have to let him treat you like that.

SSIL75

Why are you with him?

Linz

SSIL75 - I feel like I am still with him because of the good times. You hear a lot of people say that kind of nonsense when they're in an abusive relationship. That's really the only reason I can think of. The good times... well, and because if we did separate, I would be scared that he would hurt himself. I'm also kind of terrified that he would constantly hunt me down, he is very obsessive. Any time that we have argued and he has hurt me, I have left and spent the night at a friend's or my parents house. He calls, I'm not kidding, about 100 times every couple of hours and he'll drive to where I'm at after exhausting everywhere else that I could be, and tell the person whose house that I am at EVERYTHING about our relationship.
He sounds freakin' crazy, I know... and sometimes I believe he is in a way... but for the reasons mentioned, I just cannot seem to get away safely. Or get away at all.

bellakeller

He doesn't just sound crazy, I think that guy needs some serious help.... Are you a qualified doc or nurse? He sounds like he makes you crazy whether you are with him or not with him. Why not try not being with him for a while.

If he hurts himself, maybe this will be the thing that actually forces him to get the help he seems to desperately need. He may thank you later on for leaving the relationship. Think about it.

You're not safe in that relationship.

Much love, sweetie.

Fandy

you don't mention how old you are or your support system. I'm very sorry that you continue to live in fear of someone with such volatile behavior....You deserve much better.

Have you talked to your parents about his actions and moving back with them for your safety. Or a DV center?

Linz

Fandy, I am 25, he is 29. I have talked to my folks about it, and their door is always open to me... I'm just really not sure what to do, or how to do it.
I don't feel like I'm ready to leave... thinking about leaving makes me incredibly sad. Maybe I AM crazy.
My support system consists of working and school... when I'm at work or at school, he doesn't have a single problem with me. There are two friends of mine who REALLY know what goes on in this relationship of mine. My boss (62) and my good friend from a while ago, he's 43. I have much older friends... no one my own age and hardly any females.

DaveO

Dump the boyfriend

Straighten out your father

Work on you (getting sober), and remember you are the most important right now (no one else).

suki44883

You boyfriend is insulting, rude and a bully. You deserve better. He has beaten down your self-esteem to where you can't imagine being able to live a happy life without him. That is abuse. I hope you will find the strength to get out of that situation soon because it's only going to get worse.

Fandy

I totally agree with Suki, this person is being abusive towards you. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, you recognised your problem with alcohol and can over come it sooner rather than waiting another 5-10 years.

You should have a relationship with someone who you are not afraid of, who loves and RESPECTS you, not browbeating verbally and harsh, physically abusive, you shouldn't have to cover up his behavior, keep secrets and hide what he does to you....and his controlling issues WILL get worse.

but you have to stand up for yourself too, you don't owe this guy anything, I hope you consider that this is YOUR life, not his to control.

i know it's hard to sort out your feelings when your head is marinating in booze, but your sense of self-preservation is telling you that this is not right.

Anna

I would not spend one more minute with a person who was so rude and nasty.

Why are you allowing that person to belittle you? Verbal abuse is abuse, plain and simple, and there is no room for abuse in any relationship, ever.

You deserve much better than him.

Please take steps to get away from him. In all honesty, being with someone like him is going to make it harder for you to get and stay sober. Please take care of yourself.

awuh1

OK first of all there is a safety issue here. This guy has the distinct potential to be violent, either toward you or toward himself. That means you need a safety plan. All community’s these days have “abuse shelters” . The first thing to do is to call them. To get free of this guy (or at least free of his potential to harm you) you are going to need some help. They are the ones to help you. Your family does not sound like they are going to be very helpful, besides, they might be in harms way if you are attempting to get safe yourself. AFTER you are in a safe place THEN work on the alcohol problem. I know that there will likely be disagreement with that notion here, however, its hard enough to deal with an alcohol issue by itself. First get safe (including not driving with either him, or you drinking) then get sober.

Peter G

Let me put it to you in 'guy' terms... If I was hanging out with some bloke who had that attitude towards me or my struggles in life, I'd glance a few left hooks across his laughing face. Full stop. That said, in relationship terms, a wife or girlfriend throwing around abuse like that would get no more time or attention from me than I'd give to a petri dish full of Ebola virus. She would be out of my life and thoughts faster than a bad smell, with a parting reminder to stay as far away from me as humanly possible.

Seriously, this dude (as described) is a complete idiot and you'd do well for yourself and your recovery to toss that knucklehead to the curb as fast as humanly possible. You might want to decide that - in so far as relationships go - it's high time you had a healthy relationship ... with yourself. Forget clowns like him, because at the end of the day you being dragged down by that crap is counter productive to your recovery, your self esteem, and your happiness. He is SO not worth the bother.

NobleCause

when i was your age, i spent years with a dude who, about 25 percent of the time, was a smart, fantastic, kind, great guy. we'd wander museums, read the same books, see concerts, travel… but he was troubled in a way similar to the one you describe above, and i was a drinker, so that other 75 percent was rough… early on, the fights weren't so terrible - usually just snarky comments and maybe a late night slap after too much gin, he begging forgiveness and turning up the charm, and me storming out. it gets worse tho, just like they say, and by the time i left him years later i'd racked up broken bones, black eyes, and ER visits. but i never pressed charges and stunningly, it was still incredibly sad and hard to leave. i dragged my feet forever, but made the call to a friend and fled hundreds of miles away in the middle of the night after he tried to push me out of a speeding car during a fight and i realized that he might actually literally kill me.

i'm in no position to give advice on staying sober right now, but the situation you describe with your boyfriend is concerning and familiar. think honestly about the 'good times' that keep you in the relationship - figure out if they are really worth it, if they are really that good or if they're just not as awful as the bad. i'm not saying your situation will follow the same path that mine did, but i can say that those folks who say 'it gets worse' are not generally overstating the danger, and you should consider that seriously. drinking or not, no one deserves abuse.

msbelle57

Laughing begins with L ..so does Loser! Sounds like he is one and doesn't have your best interest at heart at all!

Fandy

this is very very true, I'm not trying to scare you....but I'm speakig from experience. my xhusband was oer a foot taller than me and outweighed me by 100 lbs...by the time I was 28 I knew this was a big mistake, but we were married, had a house and a daughter. I filed for divorce but we were still in the same house...one sunday evening after an afternoon of drinking and football, I asked him to lower the TV and feed the cat. He jumped up pushed me down on the couch and put his hands on my throat, started choking me. The next morning I got up, took my daughter to pre-school and went to the police dept. showed them my bruises and was able to shortly after get a RO....he knew I wasn't going to take it anymore, once everyone KNEW and it was out in the open, he behaved better....until 3 years later when he put a tennis racket through my kitchen window after dropping our daughter off (he used to play this game of keeping her until late at night on a school night on purpose). I told him i would be filing a police report about the window screen. He left. The next day, he called and apologized, and replaced the screen...too little too late, but the(longwinded) point i am making is that you need to get away and stop covering for him....let him take the responsibility of his actions.

sissy07

Everyone here has pretty much said everything I would say, but from going through a terrible marriage I found that it never, never gets better. Some day he may kill you - maybe underestimating his strength, or maybe on purpose. Meanwhile, why are are you willing to live this way? He has beaten down your self esteem. Get out of there for your daughter....this has got to be terrible for her (and don't think she isn't aware things aren't right)

Ranger

Linz - Respectfully, Friend, your alcoholism and this toxic relationship are the same thing.

I wish you unquenchable desire and success in finding a solution soon.