My Alcoholism does not define me as a person.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
My Alcoholism does not define me as a person.
My Alcoholism does not define me as a person. But it does remind me of who I was.
I am so happy many people liked my first post. I merely scratched the surface of my problem. During these time of sobriety I like to think back on the strange things that I have done in the past. Here are a few.
1. Tween years. I would try to explain to people the definition of 'cool'. That defintion often contained the words 'Souther Comfort and Pepsi"
2. Tween years - part 2: Found the best way to score a chick was to act like a silly boy with a drink in his hand. I often boasted to my buddies "wear the diaper." Shamefully, I was not very successful.
3. Early twenties. I worked at a car wash. I sang songs to customers as I was spraying down thier cars and preparing thier car for a wash. The echo did wonders to my voice while hung over and I believed someone with influence would agree that I was an amazing talent.
4. Early twenties - part 2: I joined an online video game called air warriors. We would spend hours every night acting like we were real WWII pilots via voice chat. Most of the people I played with discounted me as a jerk who drank WD40, but I believed I had the skills to gather an army. Boy was I wrong..
5. Early twenties again. I was a printer repair man and I would wear my screw driver on a holster and give Clint Eastwood impressions to customers. People would laugh at me and I thought they were laughing with me.
6. Mid twenties.. I found a career and thought I was smarter than anyone else simply because I could read books. This was my new vice while drinking. As long as I read books, I was not a drunk right?
7. late twenties.. I was happy I no longer had a girl friend. It gave me time to appreciate being drunk alone. She was the last woman I would ever be privileged enough to touch. I would spend the next decade of my life loving the bottle.
8. Early thirties.. I finally gave up on all external forces that did not understand my way of life. That included other drunks such as my self. They were drunks and I was enlightened. I had an idea in my head that nobody else understood. Unfortunately, that idea was fueled by alcohol.
9. Early thirties part 2: After spending many hours in drunk meditation I concluded that my existence was merely a facade. My true calling was of a political nature. Driven by alcoholic fuel, I spent many hours listening to talk radio and formed my own incorrect opinion of a political system that probably did not exist, further exiling myself from the family who where responsible for my very existence.
9. Mid thirties.. I found the nirvana of self enlightenment. Nobody in the entire world understood what it was like to be drunk every waking hour outside of work. Therefore, they were not enlightened such as myself. I held the power in my hands of true knowledge. True understanding that seemingly escaped mere mortals.
9. Mid thirties part 2: Found myself to be very alone in the world. Yet strangely, I held onto the idea that I was truly aware of the society that I existed within. These thoughts would carry me into oblivion for the entirety of my 30's. At the time it was a vessel of clarity and of sincere thought. Drunk as I was all this time, I was only removing myself from the very thread that held me together.
10. late thirties and nearing 40.. Half a decade of the same old run of the mill stupor of being drunk all of the time. My attitude starts to wear thin on people.
These ideas. These drunkard stupidity of reason start to remind me of when I was 20 years old. I fight with the idea that it is wisdom. But alas. I understand it is not exactly that. In fact it is the idea of foolishness.
Being a fool is not a comfortable place to find oneself. Yet it does bring me peace to acknowledge my stupidity.
All of these things are something I am very ashamed of. These are only a few of the things I am ashamed of while being a drunk. I think of them often and can't help but be embarrassed enough that it is difficult for me to recall these thoughts.
roughly 120 days till 40: I have no family. I have no freinds. I post stuff on an alcoholics forum as an anonymous user trying the best I can to warn you.
These are only a few things I have done as a drunkard. For me it has been a life lacking of glamour and of surprise. It has been a life of exhaustion. A life of emptiness and A life of despair.
Don't make the same mistake as I have. You have so many more important things to do.
Chi pisa lachi ki. Yakoke ikana!
Chata sia hoke!
I am so happy many people liked my first post. I merely scratched the surface of my problem. During these time of sobriety I like to think back on the strange things that I have done in the past. Here are a few.
1. Tween years. I would try to explain to people the definition of 'cool'. That defintion often contained the words 'Souther Comfort and Pepsi"
2. Tween years - part 2: Found the best way to score a chick was to act like a silly boy with a drink in his hand. I often boasted to my buddies "wear the diaper." Shamefully, I was not very successful.
3. Early twenties. I worked at a car wash. I sang songs to customers as I was spraying down thier cars and preparing thier car for a wash. The echo did wonders to my voice while hung over and I believed someone with influence would agree that I was an amazing talent.
4. Early twenties - part 2: I joined an online video game called air warriors. We would spend hours every night acting like we were real WWII pilots via voice chat. Most of the people I played with discounted me as a jerk who drank WD40, but I believed I had the skills to gather an army. Boy was I wrong..
5. Early twenties again. I was a printer repair man and I would wear my screw driver on a holster and give Clint Eastwood impressions to customers. People would laugh at me and I thought they were laughing with me.
6. Mid twenties.. I found a career and thought I was smarter than anyone else simply because I could read books. This was my new vice while drinking. As long as I read books, I was not a drunk right?
7. late twenties.. I was happy I no longer had a girl friend. It gave me time to appreciate being drunk alone. She was the last woman I would ever be privileged enough to touch. I would spend the next decade of my life loving the bottle.
8. Early thirties.. I finally gave up on all external forces that did not understand my way of life. That included other drunks such as my self. They were drunks and I was enlightened. I had an idea in my head that nobody else understood. Unfortunately, that idea was fueled by alcohol.
9. Early thirties part 2: After spending many hours in drunk meditation I concluded that my existence was merely a facade. My true calling was of a political nature. Driven by alcoholic fuel, I spent many hours listening to talk radio and formed my own incorrect opinion of a political system that probably did not exist, further exiling myself from the family who where responsible for my very existence.
9. Mid thirties.. I found the nirvana of self enlightenment. Nobody in the entire world understood what it was like to be drunk every waking hour outside of work. Therefore, they were not enlightened such as myself. I held the power in my hands of true knowledge. True understanding that seemingly escaped mere mortals.
9. Mid thirties part 2: Found myself to be very alone in the world. Yet strangely, I held onto the idea that I was truly aware of the society that I existed within. These thoughts would carry me into oblivion for the entirety of my 30's. At the time it was a vessel of clarity and of sincere thought. Drunk as I was all this time, I was only removing myself from the very thread that held me together.
10. late thirties and nearing 40.. Half a decade of the same old run of the mill stupor of being drunk all of the time. My attitude starts to wear thin on people.
These ideas. These drunkard stupidity of reason start to remind me of when I was 20 years old. I fight with the idea that it is wisdom. But alas. I understand it is not exactly that. In fact it is the idea of foolishness.
Being a fool is not a comfortable place to find oneself. Yet it does bring me peace to acknowledge my stupidity.
All of these things are something I am very ashamed of. These are only a few of the things I am ashamed of while being a drunk. I think of them often and can't help but be embarrassed enough that it is difficult for me to recall these thoughts.
roughly 120 days till 40: I have no family. I have no freinds. I post stuff on an alcoholics forum as an anonymous user trying the best I can to warn you.
These are only a few things I have done as a drunkard. For me it has been a life lacking of glamour and of surprise. It has been a life of exhaustion. A life of emptiness and A life of despair.
Don't make the same mistake as I have. You have so many more important things to do.
Chi pisa lachi ki. Yakoke ikana!
Chata sia hoke!
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Choctaw 
...All of these things are something I am very ashamed of. These are only a few of the things I am ashamed of while being a drunk. I think of them often and can't help but be embarrassed enough that it is difficult for me to recall these thoughts....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Choctaw)))))
These things and others from your past that you are now so 'ashamed' of will become part of your Experience, Strength and Hope to share with others who are now walking your past path.
It took me almost 10 years into recovery, even though I had done 2 4th and 5th steps the AA way, before I finally truly understood. It was at the feet of an Elder of the Navajo tribe as there were no Lakotas here in the Southwest. Many a day and week I spent with him and other elders, and I came to understand and could see that I no longer regretted my past, nor did I wish to shut the door on it. My path became my strength.
My past over these years has become an important part of my life today and how I share it with those now walking that same path.
Stay strong my friend, look within yourself to heal yourself and you too will be able to help others just by example alone that there is a way 'out' of hell we have lived in.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
These things and others from your past that you are now so 'ashamed' of will become part of your Experience, Strength and Hope to share with others who are now walking your past path.
It took me almost 10 years into recovery, even though I had done 2 4th and 5th steps the AA way, before I finally truly understood. It was at the feet of an Elder of the Navajo tribe as there were no Lakotas here in the Southwest. Many a day and week I spent with him and other elders, and I came to understand and could see that I no longer regretted my past, nor did I wish to shut the door on it. My path became my strength.
My past over these years has become an important part of my life today and how I share it with those now walking that same path.
Stay strong my friend, look within yourself to heal yourself and you too will be able to help others just by example alone that there is a way 'out' of hell we have lived in.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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