cardon

My alcoholism story is pretty run-of-the-mill. Started hitting the booze hard in college; my frat buddies aged out of it, but I kept going strong. At first I was handling it. Got married, had kids, held down a job. But, of course, I slipped down the slope.

I was a nighttime drinker. After the wife and kids went to bed I sat alone in front of the TV, chugging beer after beer. Finally, it got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed to go to work. I went to rehab and dried out. Then I tried AA. Tried and tried, but it just never worked out. I don't know who's to blame there, AA or me, but I guess it really doesn't make a difference.

My AA sponsor told me that if AA didn't work for me, then I was going to die. I believed it. Then I started meeting with an addiction psychiatrist. I explained to her how I felt like I couldn't go to bed without being drunk, and that on the occasions I did go to bed sober I laid awake all night. She prescribed a benzo, Restoril (a strong dose) and told me to try taking that before going to bed.

That was three years ago, and I haven't touched a drop since. All the problems with family and work evaporated almost immediately. That's good. But I do have a question about this. The psychiatrist keeps me on a short leash with the benzos, I get two weeks worth of doses at a time, and she must approve every refill. I've never, and I mean never, taken more than the prescribed dose at a time, for pragmatic reasons if nothing else -- if I take too much tonight, I won't have any for tomorrow night. The problem is (if it is a problem), I am obsessed with those pills. I must always know where they are. If I go on a trip, I carry them in my pocket rather than pack them in my luggage. I always feel nervous when I go for refills: "What if the doc didn't approve the refill?"

Okay, I don't need anyone to tell me that I am addicted to these pills. My doctor admits as much. But I don't abuse them, and my family life and career has never been better. Some of you might say "Well, you don't abuse them yet, but I've been taking them three years now and I think that if abuse were going to occur it would have happened by now. I am at work every day, on time. I am at every recital and soccer game. I am not without flaws, but the profound character defects that accompanied my drinking are gone.

As I mentioned, I was unable to make AA work for me. I know, though, that were I to ask my old sponsor he would say "You ain't sober as long as you're taking them pills." It makes me wonder... am I actually sober? I suppose some day my doctor could die or retire or something, but realistically I could probably find another psychiatrist who would continue with this course of treatment. Sober? Or does it matter?

least

What I've read about Restoril says that it's for short term use only. So you may have developed an addiction to them if you've been taking them for that long. I disagree with some in AA who say you're not sober if you're taking prescribed meds. But it's a fine line as to what you're taking and for how long. Coming off benzos can be a real nightmare too so I'd consult your doctor about how to get off of them safely.

I'd say you're sober from alcohol but the long term benzo use can be a bad problem in itself. I'd talk to your doctor about your dependence on the restoril.

switchboard

A lot of people take different pills for different things. IMHO (and I'm no expert, so just my little opinion here, and others may disagree), you *are* sober .... BUT, you are also addicted .. to the pills .. non-abusively, which you acknowkedge.

Question: Do you want to get them out of your life?... to be free from being dependent on them? Maybe now is a good time to talk to the doc about that, and maybe get a plan started .. since it's on your mind. Freedom is a wonderful thing...

Congrats on your years sober, btw. Nice job on that!

Justfor1

I would say that you are a success. Long term benzo use is sometimes necessary. You are seeing an addiction psychiatrist who limits you to two week prescription only before refill. You maintain employment, family ect.... Who cares what anyone thinks.

Mark75

You are being treated by a physician who is prescribing you medication that is intended for the reason you are taking it. She is monitoring your medication closely.

You are sober.

That you have become dependent on them for sleep is probably true. That is something for you and your physician to consider. Not us. Not members of AA either.

Congrats on your 3 years.

Sudz No More

You're off the booze and monitoring the benzos do I'd say your doing pretty good. I would warn as others have already said you are probably addicted to the pills and will have to taper off of them if you decide to quit them.

I personally would try to get off them but that is for you to decide.

Dee74

Welcome

I agree with others that you are using a prescribed medication correctly with the full and open cooperation of your Dr - to me you are sober

I think your concerns are valid tho and I'd certainly encourage you to speak with your doctor about your concerns Cardon.

Noone here should be giving you medical advice.

D

onlythetruth

Couldn't have said it better myself, so I won't try, except to double-ditto the congrats on 3 years.

cardon

You know, I guess the fact that I'm asking myself this question indicates that I'm questioning whether I should keep the status quo.

I once asked my wife what she would think if I tapered off. She did not like the idea. I don't blame her, she went through a lot with me. I also asked my psychiatrist about it. She answered neutrally, but the look on her face conveyed that she also thought this would be a bad move.

Maybe I should, as the Beatles would say, let it be.

TheEnd

You're not abusing it and it's prescribed, so you are technically sober. It sounds to me like you don't want to be dependent on them anymore and that's why your Dr. answered neutrally, because as long as you're doing the right thing and it's helping, then why change it, but it can be maddening to have to consciously be worrying about the whereabouts of some stupid pill. I know how that was and it sucks, but it's something (if that's what you want ) that you would have to bring up to your Dr. Whatever you do, best of luck.

Congrats on your progress!!!

Mark75

Among other things, I was very dependent on sleeping meds... When I did not have them I did not sleep and one night I had some serious benzodiazepam withdrawal.. it was horrible.

I switched to ambien and quickly became dependent on those as well... well, the alcohol really messed with that... and of course, there were the stimulants... LOLOLOLOL

Anyway, I sleep good now. Once I got rid of everything else, I slept fine. That's just my own experience.... and that's all we should do here on SR, is share our own experience and stay out of your doctor patient relationship.