Linz

It's not that I am lonely all the time, In fact I love to be alone, I love my space. I have "my space" an awful lot though. I have no friends. I say that, but of course I've got my drinking buddy and my alcoholic companion, (not the boyfriend, the boss/best friend.) Alcoholic for him = four beers a night by the fire and then bed.
No girlfriends, nothing in common with the common person. I feel alone a lot. A LOT.
I'm wondering if THAT aspect of life LEADS to drinking, or if that's just an excuse? I mean, of course it's an excuse, but what in the HELL or what ON EARTH do you do about it? I don't have friends for a reason, it's because I am socially awkward, I don't like sharing my feelings, expressions, emotions, mentality, time, with other human beings.
I am a loner.
I like it that way.
I think AA works, for sure. I think other things, ie: rational recovery, works perfectly for some.
What do you do if all you like to do is be alone, write, and drink?
As some of you know, I have started going to school. I really, really love it. It is good for me. I am doing well in it. It's perfect. I get **** faced and get things done.
But there is always a need, or an ache in me that is telling me that I really need to stop drinking.
If you know my story, have read my blogs, or talked to me on the chat on soberrecovery, then you know it from the get go, if not... that's obviously fine... I just want replies to this post, I want help, I need help. Obviously not only in my alcoholism, but life in general.
Thanks to all.

-L

Dee74

I think drinking actually encourages isolation myself - it certainly did with me. I wanted to be alone.

If being a loner is the real you tho, Linz - why do you need to drink over it? why do you feel lonely?

Be careful you're not rationalising an excuse to drink.

Loner or not, there's no need to drink our lives away. I used to say I was lonely and bored therefore I drank - I'm still not a terribly social person - I'm still pretty much housebound due to physical constraints - but I don't drink.

I really believe you get out of life what you put in Linz - I realised a long time ago if I'm unhappy with what I'm getting out of life, maybe it's an idea to look at my input?

D

Mark75

Get out of your comfort zone... Socialize. Just do it. I think you will be surprised how many people feel like you do.

If your not opposed to AA, that's a good start on meeting people who are sober, or at school... Wherever.

sugarbear1

Try not drinking. Then, either get involved in campus activities, a hobby, or aa. AA teaches us how to socialize through the fellowship. My new friends are all shy people who meet regularly, get to know eachother, and continue to have lots of laughs! First, plug the jug...

Boleo

I to am a loner. I isolated when I drank and there were times when I was forced to isolated in recovery (as an OTR truck driver). What I found to be a lifesaver for me was meditation. Now I can fill my extra free time with something productive from an emotional standpoint.

dawnrunner

In my experience, drinking cut me off from people because I could not be honest with them. Either I was pretending to be sober, desperately chewing minty gum and avoiding eye contact, or I was thinking about my next drink as they chatted to me about their life events. Or I was cancelling plans so that I could stay home with my dear friend Mr. Cheap Vodka.

In sobriety I am still not the social butterfly. I like my routine, my dogs and my horse, my reading, running, going to bed early and getting up before dawn. But friends did slowly start to appear when I stopped actively lying to them and shutting them out.

What kind of life allows you to be completely honest with yourself and the world? That will be a life that invites friendship. Friendship doesn't require social skills, charm, confidence, beauty, anything but just you.

doggonecarl

Loneliness is not a prerequisite for drinking. There are lots of reasons to drink. And lots of reasons why people don’t want to quit drinking. But there is only one reason why a person CAN’T simply quit…and that’s alcoholism.

Wanting to quit is fine, but wanting isn't doing. Quitting is an action.

Good luck.

jamdls

I too have always been a loner, initially when I drank I was a social person but as the years went by I preferred drinking alone. I was very lonely unless I was in a relationship with a man, because I've never been one to have close friends but none of those relationships lasted very long. I was a very unhappy person. Now that I no longer drink I'm still a loner, I live alone, work mostly alone, have very little if any social life BUT I'm an extremely happy person now. I like ME now and I like being with myself so there is no need for me to slowly kill myself or try to change myself with alcohol or other drugs. Sobriety opened the door for me to really get to know myself and discover so much about myself and life in general. In the past 4 yrs I don't think I have felt lonely more than a couple of times and when it does happen I can deal with it, fix it if I want or just let it dissipate on it's own.

switchboard

Loner here too. Female with no "real friends" .. separated, two adult kids at home (in school), and just work friends/aquaintences (there are only a few) ... I like my alone time, but do have lonely moments and wonder about the future as a loner ... Maybe I should have friends...... I don't really have anything to add to the thread .. just wanted to say hi. Hi.

bigbutch1

I I too have been a loner most of my life. but it is good that you have good feelings tward AA. But nothing is going to help put an end to the insanity till you yourself decides that you have had enough, that's the only way anything is going to help. It has to be for you and not any-one or anything else,

Peace

LoneHistoric

I'm a loner and use writing as the most important coping mechanism. Alone so I drink and write, drink and write because I am alone.

But I try not to drink and have been mildly successful. Thoughts come slower and take longer from brain to page, but the results are more profound technically and emotionally.

I am not a 12 stepper, but I have been to therapy and sought other methods off and on. I would suggest committing to a test run. Stop drinking for a month and write your guts out. I think the product will surprise you and motivate you to continue sober.

As for the loneliness, well, I don't many answers for that. Working on it myself with mixed results. You just have to try and get yourself out there. Take chances with people. Trust is hard to give and receive, but it's the only way to open up, accept people into your life, and show them you are worthy to be a part of theirs. You will get burned so prepare for experiences that will force you toward drinking. But keep writing more and deeper and stay sober. Just keep on keeping on. All the best.

oldsoul1122

I enjoyed all the posts. I too am a loner and all of my life I've tried to be different and fit in somewhere with no luck...I'm 63 female...When I try I just feel worse because I feel phoney and if I'm myself I get picked on and ignored...My brain just works differently. Senseless talk bores me. I have over a month sober after 12 years....and I'm staying alone to avoid abuse for one, and stay safe. I have 2 sons who love me. Thanks.

Davestwincam

I'm also kind of a loner. I have a couple close friends but we don't hang out that often. I know they understand How I am. I have been that way as long as I can remember. I'm very introspective and need my space. If I am around people too long, especially shallow, superficial, materialistic ones, I feel drained and need alone time to recharge so to speak. I'm not anti-social but I can only handle people, especially crowds, in small doses. There is an excellent book I have called "party of one, the loners manifesto" by Anneli Rufus. It describes and defends the "loner" mentality perfectly.

AndreTT

Oh my God! I could have written the initial post.

I'm feeling a lot of loneliness in the past few months. I'm social awkward/phobic. I dont know how to make friends, much less how to date. I'm 22 year old.
I have (or had) some old friends that I just dont see anymore. We just dont get along well anymore. Hell, nowadays I look at them I see strangers. Not only that, I look at them and actually think 'how could I ever be friends with those people?'

I too started school recently (2 months ago). This school is not really what I want to do with my life, but it is ok for now.
I see the other students and I cant relate to NOBODY! At least in my previous school I could relate to some people. But now, I sit alone in the interval (I'm thinking about staying at class during interval) and watch all the other students....and feel like I'm from another planet. Sometimes I try to talk to some of them and, more often than not, I end up feeling even more different and alone than if I have just stayed quiet.

I'm completely alienated from my family also. My parents are strangers to me and I'm an only child. Talking to my parents seems to make my loneliness and depression worse...

Does anyone have experience overcoming loneliness?

New2VA

I can certainly understand where everyone is coming from. We've moved three times in less than a year and makes it hard to make friends. We attend church but it's so large (3,000 members) it's hard to form any kind of friendship there. I would drink because I was lonely or depressed but need to channel that into other activities and keep busy with other things.

heathersweeds

I was a huge isolator! I blamed everyone else for my lonliness, which led me to drink and stay lonley. I learned that the thinking process of me being "unique" which also brings fear, is my addiction playing me. Nothing changes if nothing changes! I had to start doing things different to save my life. It's uncomfortable at first, and I remember forcing myself, but today I have great friends in AA. I'm still working on feeling awkward sometimes, but I can call these friends and bounce it off them. Life is so much better now and it can be for you too

vivid-red

Loner here too!

I have been a loner my whole life,no friends whatsoever....and I don't give a damn either.....I don't really long for friendship/relationships anymore.