Venting about my alcohol addiction and where it's taken me.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 198
Venting about my alcohol addiction and where it's taken me.
This is me venting about the "silent problems" that alcohol addiction has caused me over the past 8 years. I never seem to get it through my thick head that my drinking habits are BAD. My rap sheet doesn't include anything regarding legal complications...call it luck and isolation tactics. lol But I do know that I'm one quarter the person I used to be.
When I was 17 I was happy, could talk to anyone, was in every HS club that existed, I wasn't afraid of the world. I had friends, was in relationships, spoke my mind, worked hard, my parents didn't have to worry about me every day and didn't know of the horrific things a depressed girl could get herself into. You wouldn't believe that I used to have straight A's, perfect attendance, church every Sunday, was happy, talented and achieved whatever I put my mind to. I went to college expecting to double major and be out in 4 years.
Now, I'm 26. I took me almost 6 years to graduate college and I came out with a major in "art". I have no friends, I call in sick to work when I have bad hangovers, I don't know how to really talk to people anymore because I'm scared of what they'll do to me, I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, my parents are the only people I talk to. I know people my age are married, maybe with a kid, are moving on with their lives as intended, but I'm busy wondering why I can't focus, can't spell like I used to, why I'm always tired, why I'm always sick, why I have anxiety problems, why I'm always depressed, why I'm always alone, why I never have any money and whether or not I'm ever going to stop drowning in this silent hell.
For years, no one has seen, including me, that my relationship with alcohol has been slowly killing me off and will continue to do so as long as I choose to drink.
I've been working with my parents on a house they bought that I rent from them. Sometimes I think they're sad that I've lost myself too but they don't know how to say it to me without me just being crushed. I don't have a clue who I am when I look in the mirror anymore. It's like alcohol addiction has moved me to a parallel world.
I can only think that maybe 5 oceans and 2 mountain ranges away, I can be okay again, so I better start the trip now and not look back. Maybe the self-esteem will return, maybe the focus will improve, maybe emotions will level out...maybe I'll like being around people again. Anyway, I best see myself back to this post when I start thinking that drinking alcohol is "no big deal" for me. I can't imagine the horrors that might come with another 8 years of active addiction.
When I was 17 I was happy, could talk to anyone, was in every HS club that existed, I wasn't afraid of the world. I had friends, was in relationships, spoke my mind, worked hard, my parents didn't have to worry about me every day and didn't know of the horrific things a depressed girl could get herself into. You wouldn't believe that I used to have straight A's, perfect attendance, church every Sunday, was happy, talented and achieved whatever I put my mind to. I went to college expecting to double major and be out in 4 years.
Now, I'm 26. I took me almost 6 years to graduate college and I came out with a major in "art". I have no friends, I call in sick to work when I have bad hangovers, I don't know how to really talk to people anymore because I'm scared of what they'll do to me, I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, my parents are the only people I talk to. I know people my age are married, maybe with a kid, are moving on with their lives as intended, but I'm busy wondering why I can't focus, can't spell like I used to, why I'm always tired, why I'm always sick, why I have anxiety problems, why I'm always depressed, why I'm always alone, why I never have any money and whether or not I'm ever going to stop drowning in this silent hell.
For years, no one has seen, including me, that my relationship with alcohol has been slowly killing me off and will continue to do so as long as I choose to drink.
I've been working with my parents on a house they bought that I rent from them. Sometimes I think they're sad that I've lost myself too but they don't know how to say it to me without me just being crushed. I don't have a clue who I am when I look in the mirror anymore. It's like alcohol addiction has moved me to a parallel world.
I can only think that maybe 5 oceans and 2 mountain ranges away, I can be okay again, so I better start the trip now and not look back. Maybe the self-esteem will return, maybe the focus will improve, maybe emotions will level out...maybe I'll like being around people again. Anyway, I best see myself back to this post when I start thinking that drinking alcohol is "no big deal" for me. I can't imagine the horrors that might come with another 8 years of active addiction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
You have no idea how much you have helped me with this post. You spoke for me in many ways here (and likely a lot of us!), and in ways that I don't know if I am able to decipher yet, much less verbalize. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty.
Sounds to me like you have a lot more on the ball than you are giving yourself credit for - in that you are able to size up and analyze your situation and communicate it so effectively.
Are you in an active recovery plan now?
(((hug)))
Sounds to me like you have a lot more on the ball than you are giving yourself credit for - in that you are able to size up and analyze your situation and communicate it so effectively.
Are you in an active recovery plan now?
(((hug)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: St. Peters MO
Posts: 21
Wow, you sound just like me. I have been sober for a little over 2 months. Alcohol destroyed who I was. Job loss, self esteem, marriage problems, health issues. I was a mess. I went to rehab, learned alot about the disease, stayed sober and I am starting to get back to my old self before I discovered alcohol. It is amazing how things get so much better when you quit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Brussels, Belgium
Posts: 272
Hi AprilMay1895,
Your post describes me to a T. I'm now coming up on two months sober. When I quit I also got treatment for depression and trust me, in those two months EVERYTHING has changed. I needed to put distance between myself and my last drink - my perspective and thinking has changed completely. There is honestly no comparison now between the 'before' and 'after' scenarios.
The only thing that has not improved much is the social anxiety. I isolated SO much when I drank (17 years - I'm 37 now) but when I was younger (teens/college), like you, I was extremely sociable, a high achiever, outgoing etc. I'm still not too sure how to deal with the fact that I'm a bit of a hermit (and kind of like it), but I know that I need to put myself out there and also give it more time.
For the moment I'm thrilled that I'm not drinking and thrilled with the changes thus far. Not sure if you have quit yet, but if not I highly recommend it :-) It's impossible to see or imagine the benefits when you are still in it, and I know it can be a leap of faith to believe in them - but take the leap, it's sooo worth it. If you have already quit, then yes you are right, I believe that your self-esteem, focus and emotions will all sort themselves out in time. For me, not too much time, honestly, I was benefitting immediately. Quitting drinking in and of itself helped my confidence and self-respect.
I also lost my identity and had no idea who I would discover when I put down the vodka. Not my 20 year old self (thankfully lol) but an adult version of that and a sober, better version of who I was - it's like 'coming home'. I also reflected on the fact that I'd lived my entire adult life through vodka and wasn't even sure I'd know how to live without it - so far so good.
I was horrified with what drinking had done to me (when I finally realised it - 17 years later ...) and still am when I look back. But I know I must not dwell on what I have done, but I must honour myself by finding a way to make something good out of it. The first step in that is quitting and restoring the distorted me back to normal (-ish lol).
I commend you on your courage and insight, and wish you the best going forward (bear in mind that for sure nothing will get worse when you remove alcohol from the equation).
Thanks for your post.
BB
Your post describes me to a T. I'm now coming up on two months sober. When I quit I also got treatment for depression and trust me, in those two months EVERYTHING has changed. I needed to put distance between myself and my last drink - my perspective and thinking has changed completely. There is honestly no comparison now between the 'before' and 'after' scenarios.
The only thing that has not improved much is the social anxiety. I isolated SO much when I drank (17 years - I'm 37 now) but when I was younger (teens/college), like you, I was extremely sociable, a high achiever, outgoing etc. I'm still not too sure how to deal with the fact that I'm a bit of a hermit (and kind of like it), but I know that I need to put myself out there and also give it more time.
For the moment I'm thrilled that I'm not drinking and thrilled with the changes thus far. Not sure if you have quit yet, but if not I highly recommend it :-) It's impossible to see or imagine the benefits when you are still in it, and I know it can be a leap of faith to believe in them - but take the leap, it's sooo worth it. If you have already quit, then yes you are right, I believe that your self-esteem, focus and emotions will all sort themselves out in time. For me, not too much time, honestly, I was benefitting immediately. Quitting drinking in and of itself helped my confidence and self-respect.
I also lost my identity and had no idea who I would discover when I put down the vodka. Not my 20 year old self (thankfully lol) but an adult version of that and a sober, better version of who I was - it's like 'coming home'. I also reflected on the fact that I'd lived my entire adult life through vodka and wasn't even sure I'd know how to live without it - so far so good.
I was horrified with what drinking had done to me (when I finally realised it - 17 years later ...) and still am when I look back. But I know I must not dwell on what I have done, but I must honour myself by finding a way to make something good out of it. The first step in that is quitting and restoring the distorted me back to normal (-ish lol).
I commend you on your courage and insight, and wish you the best going forward (bear in mind that for sure nothing will get worse when you remove alcohol from the equation).
Thanks for your post.
BB
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
There are many good AA speaker recordings at xa-speakers.org, I really like this one and think you (all) might too.
(nsfw: contains some bad language)
Nicola K. from Düsseldorf, Germany speaking at the Northsea Convention in Ostende, Belgium - February 4th 2011
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
(nsfw: contains some bad language)
Nicola K. from Düsseldorf, Germany speaking at the Northsea Convention in Ostende, Belgium - February 4th 2011
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 198
Thanks. 
As for my recovery, I've been floundering around with different things since last June. I had 8 months of sobriety with one, but I've decided not to return and try different avenues instead. I'm using one method right now that highly appeals to me, and I'm hoping I'll be able to achieve abstinence with it...if not, no stone will be left unturned until I do remain abstinent. I've learned enough about my drinking addiction and recovery methods to know what I want, now I just need to go find it.
As for my recovery, I've been floundering around with different things since last June. I had 8 months of sobriety with one, but I've decided not to return and try different avenues instead. I'm using one method right now that highly appeals to me, and I'm hoping I'll be able to achieve abstinence with it...if not, no stone will be left unturned until I do remain abstinent. I've learned enough about my drinking addiction and recovery methods to know what I want, now I just need to go find it.
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