LifeBlows

The first time I ever tried to stay sober on a Saturday. It felt incredibly strange. I had the whole day to myself and I didn't know what to do with it. So I went to the bookstore and hung out for a bit but as the clock neared 10 I caved and called a cab to go and get alcohol from the LCBO. I think I paid about $25 for a round trip to buy a $20 bottle of gin.

I thought about going to an AA meeting but I just want friends. I've never had such an intense feeling of loneliness before. Even the last time I had a long stretch of sobriety never felt like this.

It feels pretty unbearable right now. My heart is actually aching, and not for anyone in particular. There were times in the first week of my sobriety when I went through what felt like some pretty intense cravings but survived. I can survive this. Much as I don't want to use AA as social outlet I think I might have to. I understand that I'm still in early sobriety, so the feelings might be more intense than normal but its so hard. I want so much to hide.

I have always been something of a social cripple and my attempts at socializing have tended not to work so well. I sometimes think that I end up coming off as very creepy, desperate and very clearly having no friends.

Making friends is almost like finding a job or making money. It happens to me all the time, every time I've found a new job, I'll be getting calls about other jobs for about 6 weeks afterwards. My point is that I think that only people in AA would not be put off by this.

sissy07

I sympathize with you. I am older, divorced, working, and female, just fyi. Loneliness has gotten better, since I am 51 days sober, and I know it will get better once I get my self esteem back, and fix some of the messes I have gotten myself into due to drinking. I have not returned to AA, but I am beginning to think that may be the answer. We should both give it a try. Before (I have had 8 yrs sober, and 9 years sober) it worked for me and I ended up meeting people that understood me and my craziness. What have you got to lose by trying....but try several....it took me awhile to find one I liked. Congratulations on your success thusfar, and keep coming back to this site.....it has saved me. Forge ahead!!!! We are all here to support you.

ReadyAndAble

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, LB. Why not go to an AA meeting? Friends, fellowship, what's the difference? I went to some AA meetings a few times because I just wanted to be able to talk to—or even just be around—people who understood what I was up against. No one quizzed me about whether I was working the steps or whatever.

Hang in there, LB. You've taken a huge step toward a better life. Keep it up and I'm sure a lot of other pieces will begin to fall into place.

:ghug3

SaraMichelle

thats so much of what AA is for! there is so much support there and so many people who feel or have felt just what you feel. go to a meeting ASAP and telll someone!

OceanSize

i was just realizing that because of having a home group and going to do some fellowshippy things (i call it "fellowshipping" haha) i actually have a new set of ...friends. I was lonely today but was relieved by the plans I had at 6pm to meet up with some other AAs for dinner before a meeting.

gotta say - i do love all the laughter. lots of laughing, amongst people who identify with one another. I never thought this would be me but then again nothing about the way i was living was working. at all. this stuff does work.

sugarbear1

You hang out here with a screen and a keyboard...who do you think is at an AA meeting? Fun people like us! Go get some sober friends! It's better than a hurting heart.

Justfor1

When I first started going to AA nearly a decade ago I vowed never to be "real friends" with AA'ers. Surprisingly, I made friends slowly but surely in the program. While I haven't stayed sober by any means(and quitting the program a few times), I continued to be friends with some of the AA'ers.

gravity

When I first quit drinking I had very low self esteem, no confidence. I always felt I was "outside looking in". AA meetings were my start to learning how to interact with others. I have a couple of good AA friends and many acquaintances. Through the 12 steps, I've come to realize that I am no different than anyone else - no better, no worse. Completely comfortable in my own skin.

Hey, you gotta start somewhere.

happyplace

LifeBlows,
We've all had times of loneliness. It can hurt so much. I also know what you mean when you allude to the desperation for companionship being off-putting and making it difficult to make new friends. This can be true. A few thoughts.
-Time is a great elixir. If you do what you ought to, and have some courage too, surprises will come along. Things will never stay the same. In bad times, I find that heartening. Don't lose all hope that things will improve. I'm sure you'll meet people with whom you'll connect soon. I would suggest doing it sober. AA may be a good place to start.
-AA, in that it encourages spirituality, may help you find a channel to some hope. Hope is one of the most important things we have, and I think we must cultivate it to the extent we can.
-Whether through spirituality or not, it's important to look outward, and not to focus too much on yourself. This helps with making friends, but also with being happy.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We are all very similar, and we've all felt lonely and like we had little self worth. This doesn't mean that you are more flawed than anyone else.