LifeBlows

So finally today I called the guy selling books door to door and guess what? He was working today and it wasn't raining today. I even had the gas money. I was on my way there. I knew where I was supposed to meet the dude but I didn't look it up to find out just how long it would take me to get there so I didn't give myself enough time.

At first I thought I would be a couple of minutes late and then on the way there I realized it would be more like half an hour so I went home because it was just too embarrassing.

Why didn't I actually find out where the place was before hand? Why did I wait so long to wait so late to leave home?

I ruined this opportunity to make money and thereby and other opportunities that might have come from it.

Why would I do that to myself? I'm desperate for money so why would I sabotage myself that way? Does anyone else do this? Is this like a weird facet of addiction / alcoholism that no one talks about?

Anna

Yes, I did things like that, and it baffled me.

I finally figured out that I was more comfortable with failing and messing up, than I was with succeeding. Failing was something I knew very well. When success was in the air, my anxiety level would go up because I didn't know what to do with it. Then I would sabbotage.

I realized I simply had to give myself permission to have a good life, to succeed, to find peace. I deserved it. We all do.

You can change this pattern in yourself!

Beebizzy

Ditto ^ I put obstacles in my own way all the time. I was (am) afraid of success because I am not sure I deserve it/can handle it.

I still need to work on getting to the second part of what Anna says. Allowing myself to have good things and believing I deserve them. Not easy for me.

LB, do not dwell on this - put it behind you and tell yourself that the next time you will really go after it, and check it all out upfront. And don't lose sight of the fact that you actually did call the guy, got in the car and drove a good part of the way there. That counts for a lot (not sure I'd have done that - in fact, sure I wouldn't have). Don't let these things become a self-fulfilling prophecy with a momentum of their own, when in fact you have done everything right in terms of getting up and going for it.

Good luck,
BB

babycat

Oh yeah Lifeblows, I know what you are saying all too well. I have no idea why I do it, but I do.

bmwcycle

I have been there also, no logical reason why I am late to important meetings, do not follow up on simple phone calls, I think Anna is on to something,

thanks and best of luck,

SSIL75

I think it's not uncommon for people who grew up in unhappiness or chaos to continue to seek it as adults.

For me personally I think I created stressful situations in my life to enable my drinking. I kind of enjoyed the drama.

Sugah

The two best suggestions I received early on in sobriety are these: put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing.

I rarely finished anything while I was drinking. I'd rather quit than come in second place. If success meant more responsibility, I'd find a way to justify my own failure.

Following the above two suggestions, I finally finished something: "formal" step work. When I applied began applying them to "all my affairs," some pretty cool things happened. I applied to college, I went to college, I graduated college (valedictorian, no less), I applied to grad school, I went to grad school (on a fully funded scholarship), I wrote a book (my thesis) and graduated from grad school. Those are just some very obvious examples, each accomplishment reached a step at a time by doing the next right thing.

Maybe your goals are different from mine, and maybe you'll get different results, but I can just about promise two things: you'll have few regrets and you won't get bored.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

lostfound

I unfortunately know exactly what you mean! For me, when I want to succeed at something, I have to be completely 100% confident that I will have absolute success, or else I'm afraid to even try.

dawnrunner

I am often astounded at how some simple AA sayings apply.

One of the biggies for me is "Suit up and show up."

Just take it as a rule. Whenever there's some place you are supposed to be, whether it is your mom's birthday or a big work thing that is freaking you out, suit up and show up. Let it roll from there.

It is easier to say than to do, but at least it is straightforward. So next time when you have the chance for a job or whatever, suit up and show up - and cut everything else out for the moment.

It has helped me a lot in my job, when I have been angsting about whether to go to something or stay away, to make a meeting or be absent, to do a workout or skip it, etc. Put on the clothes, go to the place. That's all you need to do.