simplex

Hi all,
I'm new and I apologize in advance for this message's length but I feel certain details are relevant for my story to make sense.

I currently have 63 days sober. This is my second attempt (well third technically) at living sober. I entered rehab Feb. of 2010 voluntarily (45 day program) to stop drinking. After I made it for about a year (attending meetings 2-3 per week) or so I decided I was ready for a relationship. I went online and met a girl named Karla who I sort of instantly fell for. We corresponded through email and then text and eventually met. It was sort of love at first meeting or what not.

In our early written correspondence I had mentioned the fact that "I think I'm an alcoholic" and that I didn't drink anymore. She drank and was up front about it for the most part. She'd actually had a DUI about a year before and had been court ordered not to drink so she wasn't really drinking at all when we started hanging out. The first time we hung out she asked if I minded if she had wine (poured a glass and left it) so I was like wewww ok. For the next month or so I met her parents who were also somewhat heavy drinkers though functional I believe, and went to some parties and stuff with her and her friends. There was always alcohol involved but she would ask if it bothered me. I really liked her and didn't really know how it made me feel. I felt confident in my year so I would say no.

Well as time went on I began to notice that when she drank, though not every time she drank, it was quite a lot. It seemed like alcohol was everywhere and that it was a huge part of her life. We continued going out and it popped into my head that I was too young to be an alcoholic, and that if I could just chill out I'd be more comfortable around her and her friends and her parents. So I took the plunge. Nothing really happened for the next 2 weeks (drinking maybe 1-2 times per week) but then came the time when I drank early enough into the morning that driving the next day I would have been considered drunk. I began to have some concerns and swore it off to her only to drink the next day when we went out.

2 weeks later we went down to the beach with her family. Lots of alcohol involved and the first night after we had all been drinking her mom said she thought karla had a problem and that she was concerned. Karla and I drank heavily into the wee hours of the morning fri, sat, and all day sun. And everything was sort of chill. But the last day I really showed my behind and in a blackout was insulting and just an all around jerk to her and some of her family. I woke up the next day having to leave, and swore off drinking again. Also being informed by her that I had to choose her or the alcohol.

Well 2 weeks later, karla invited me over to her friends house. I met them there late after being with friends where I had 2 beers. She again asked me if she could drink with her friend where they split a bottle of some liquor. I told her I'd had 2 beers and that I wanted to drink. Well I was drinking water, and decided to pour the liquor in my water. I did it twice and didnt really get buzzed. Well later in bed she said, "it's a good thing you didn't drink" to which I was surprised because I thought she'd seen me pour in alcohol. But I sort of went along with it and she freaked out saying that she didn't want that kind of life etc and that I had lied about it etc. Which was true. After that it was never the same. Upon instruction from my counselors in aftercare I had suggested that it would help me a little if she didn't drink sometimes when we went out. I did this on several occasions to which she would say that she couldn't really see her future without drinking, and that her entire social life revolved around drinking. It all began to feel so hopeless.

We sort of went on a while being apart (her traveling with family) and stuff then the first night I had seen her in 3.5 weeks I went to her apartment. After suggesting dinner, or a movie to spend some time together, she didn't really seem enthused. About an hour later she suggested that her friend tod and lisa were having people over that night would I want to go. I initially told her yes i'd go but 1. I was hurt after so much time apart that she wanted to go over to the friends and drink 2. that was the last place I drank which caused us so many problems for us to begin with 3. I would have been too uncomfortable around the booze. So I said no I wouldn't be comfortable and that's when it ended.

I'm still sober from June 11th. But this time it feels different than getting to a year before. I think part of me wanted her to have a problem, or see that she had a problem and gain interest in going to meetings with me and stuff. It's like sometimes I think if I wasn't an alcoholic all of these things would have been a non-issue. I keep beating myself up for lying that one time about the drink and for the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I feel sort of ashamed about being an alcoholic in general. I feel like what's the use in putting more time together if at a year I just throw it all away? I dunno I just found this forum tonight. In my heart of hearts I know that I cannot successfully drink. But I don't really know what else I enjoyed, or that I could even ever really socialize. Now even meetings and stuff make me feel like an outsider, they didn't before. She's gone and the only thing I'm clinging to is my sobriety which at the same time I question even its relevance. I've tried gratitude, and prayer, but it all feels so fake to me. I'm trying desperately to take it one day at a time, but each day is like there's the biggest pity party in the world and I'm the only one there. Stinks.

Dee74

Hi Simplex

I don't really do relationship advice all that well but it struck me as I was reading your post...here's you:

and here's her:

There doesn't seem to be a lot of common ground there, I'm afraid.

I've loved many people who were just plain not right for me - it took me many years to learn to let go of what I wanted when what I wanted wasn't probably going to work.

I think I did the same thing with alcohol too.

I really hope you stick with recovery because recovery has to be about you - it can't be about someone else.

I'd have never got to know myself if I didn't embrace recovery - and I'd never be with my partner now.

It's the best relationship of my life, largely because we both know who we are.

I hope you'll find the kind of peace I have. I know you'll find a lot of support and guidance here

Welcome
D

simplex

Thanks Dee,

My family and some close people have said that I need to find myself that it wouldn't have ever worked. Those quotes pretty much sum it up nicely lol. Like you said what I want a lot of the time, ok most of the time, isn't what I need or is good for me.

I was outside the other day when "easier softer way" popped into my head. I've always been looking for the easier softer way to live as long as it's what I wanted. I never worked the steps my first year. Mostly out of avoidance. Do you think the steps will help me find out who I am? Like the beyond an alcoholic?

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Just being on this site makes me feel as good as I do when I leave a physical meeting.

Dee74

I'm not an AAer Simplex so I don't know personally if the steps will help you find yourself?
but I have a good many close friends here who swear that it will help tho

D

Peter G

If you haven't worked the program of AA, as in finding a sponsor and doing the steps, than yes the steps and the program do lead you to a much more clear definition as to who you are and what you are capable of sober. Not to sound like a choir member, but at 43 years old I finally came to the big bottom that led me to give AA a proper shot. Now here I sit at 44 knowing that it's literally changed my life when nothing else worked.

And here I go finally succumbing to an unavoidable AA cliché.... It really and truly does work if you work it.

CarolD

the AA steps are the program....so Yes! please do begin quickly.

Look at the 9th Step Promises in our BB....pages 83-84 to see what happened to me by useing the steps...
The good news is some of them started before I arrived at Step 9.

I'm glad you have re started your sobriety....Congratulations.....

Welcome to our recovery community...:

topspin

Welcome to SR !

I know what you mean about feeling "as good as I do when I leave a physical meeting" here.

This place saved my ass since i found it last April (2010)

Dee's got a way of getting to the heart of the matter

Kellye C

Another welcome to SR!!

As a member of AA who has worked the steps with a sponsor I can tell you that I learned so much about myself, my behavior patterns and thought processes. Once aware of them I could begin the process of changing them and recognising them when they start to rear their head again.

I can't speak for anyone else but for me, the program and the steps have helped me to heal a lot emotionally. It has also given me tools to live with today. Things that I would have drank over in the past I can face head on and do it sober. I hope you will reap similar rewards!!

Hugs,
Kellye

P.S. I met my husband in the rooms of AA and can say that after years of one craptastic relationship after another, it is awesome now to have one where we are on the same page with the same goals.

simplex

Thanks guys for the welcome! I do have a sponsor with a good amount time, and I think that my biggest priority will be to work the steps with him.

My first year I avoided a sponsor but at the time of my year we were going through the book from the beginning I assume to work the steps that way. So I'm looking to give it an earnest shot this time.

I'm going to go to my home group tonight. And I'm gonna buy the literature again (left it at the last meeting I went to before going back out.)

Thanks again for the greetings all!

NYCDoglvr

What I was taught is that alcohol is much more powerful than I am alone. If I take my will back and hang out with people who drink heavily or regularly I will eventually drink. I don't think you take your recovery seriously, it's obvious you don't put it first in your life. With this kind of attitude -- what's the use? -- you'll drink again.

However, if you do come to realize that alcoholism is a life or death disease, that it's progressive and you will loose everything that's important to you, you can get sober and have a terrific life as well. Should that day come, get a sponsor and do whatever it takes to stay sober. You will discover that life sober has a great deal of joy, satisfaction and hope.



Good luck.

yogaisland

I had to change my social scene - I used to do these pool parties every weekend with a huge group of gals that were total drunks. This, needless to say, was not a good influence on me. I used to go out with coworkers after work for drinks. I used to go to my dad's karaoke bar and get toasted and sing. In short - I pursued interests that revolved around drink!

When I cut back at the start of the year, I joined a gym and started going religiously. Now I know that's not for everyone, but it definitely helped me to be around people that were getting together for a reason other than drinking.

You could also start going to events at coffee shops (ours has an open mic night pretty often), join a hip new church, get into cycling or running and join a group, become a volunteer and put in some hours doing that, etc. I know to some people all that stuff sounds corny and goody-two shoes and not at all fun, but honestly, I think that's just the media brainwashing talking. The people that make beer and other alcohol want us to believe that life with alcohol is glamorous and fun, and life without is dull and bland. You can have just as many happy, silly moments doing healthy stuff that you can when drinking, with no negative side effects. Yes, drinking is "easier", but the damages are too great.

Turn your back on that life now. Look at it as a positive thing. Not, "I'm a social outcast because I cannot drink," but as "I'm strong because I choose not to take the easy, lazy path and be a drunk. I'll never have another hangover or make an ass of myself or lose control." I choose to look at it that way!

simplex

Thanks Yoga those sound like all great suggestions! I agree too about the alcohol commercials; that's exactly their intended purpose. In a way the things you say sound corny, but not really. They're what a LOT of people enjoy doing, people that aren't drinkers which is what I need. I think part of my perception towards drink reverted to my old view (gravitate to things that involve drink) because of my last relationship. But mostly NYC is pretty right, I don't know if I've ever really put recovery first. I just sort of quit drinking. And took some suggestions that were convenient to me.

It's funny you mention the coffee shop thing. Just the other day I was thinking how fun it would be to read some prose etc. in a coffee shop just to do it. I enjoy writing anyway might as well share lol.

Thanks again!