panadolsandwich

These songs have given me comfort and explain a lot about myself and my conduct.

World leader pretend

(berry/buck/mills/stipe)


I sit at my table and wage war on myself
It seems like it’s all, it’s all for nothing
I know the barricades, and
I know the mortar in the wall breaks
I recognize the weapons, I used them well

This is my mistake. let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

I’ve a rich understanding of my finest defenses
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,
I demand a rematch
I decree a stalemate
I divine my deeper motives
I recognize the weapons
I’ve practiced them well. I fitted them myself

(chorus)
It’s amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize
This is my mistake. let me make it good
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down

Reach out for me and hold me tight. hold that memory
Let my machine talk to me, let my machine talk to me

This is my world
And I am world leader pretend
This is my life
And this is my time
I have been given the freedom
To do as I see fit
It’s high time I’ve razed the walls
That I’ve constructed

(repeat chorus)

You fill in the mortar. you fill in the harmony
You fill in the mortar. I raised the wall
And I’m the only one
I will be the one to knock it down


Strangelove - The drinker

The voice that you will not respond to calls inside of you
You shut it out with your religion
The love of love it fools
And hide behind your misery
It's safe it's nothing new
The sanctuary of mild depression
You love it don't you?

There's something about your suffering
Makes me want to scream
Something about your fear makes me ill
Something about your misery that makes me turn away
Cos I know it's all down to you
Cos I know it's all down to you
Cos I know the truth about you

You cannot look me in the eye
Your feelings won't let you
Your feelings are your only reason
Like an animal that's you

Slower than a sack of Sundays
Your cold hangover gloom
I shouldn't say I told you so
But I told you

There's something about your suffering
Makes me want to scream
Something about your fear makes me ill
Something about your misery that makes me turn away
Cos I know it's all down to you
Cos I know it's all down to you
Cos I know the truth about you

I see you walking home in the pouring rain
I watch you walk away I want to call your name
I feel your awkwardness, I feel your crushing pain
You really shoot me through like noone else can do

I see your frightened eyes when I'm alone at night
Your heavy head hung low
Your ever silent groans
I've watched you fading out
I want to scream and shout
You are are a pain in me that I cannot set free

I love you
I do
I love you
I do
I love you
I do
I love you, I do.

panadolsandwich

I've always known it's there. I've blacked out for days now, surprised at my own ability to

communicate even though I can't remember doing it. It's in the attic, I always knew my ex

girlfriend wouldn't check there she's so afraid of spiders. Or else it's a 10 minute walk

away. Those two 1 litre bottles of brandy. The website says it only takes less than an hour

and what more fitting way to leave as an alcoholic. I've washed up on the muddy banks of my

own life. I'm 200m away from the largest hospital in Queensland - in fact Australia I've

heard, and I feel I need a real catharsis to blow away my fear. If I don't survive than so

be it. Please noone feel sorry for me. I'm a selfish *****, but death is everywhere and a

natural part of life. As Music put it the life I'm leading is slow suicide. I'm happier

just to get it out of the way. I'm still that cynical boy chuffed by my own cynicism. It's

not like I'm blowing my head off. If I make it up the hill to ER, I might just be saved.

i"m sorry to leave like this, but at least I have a chance to leave an explanation, and

there's a chance I might survive. Take care, I have to do the hardest thing in my life, and

write a will and a letter to my brother. But things just cannot go on like this. I know he'll understand.

phoenix

Pan...hang in there.I have experienced that dark and terrible despair too.Thing is,it often comes ahead of a turning point...a moment of absolute clarity.You may not see the light yet,may not feel the hope...but it's there...it really is.

phoenix

Morning Glory

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...0&pagenumber=1

Call and talk to someone. Your brother won't understand and he won't get over it. I've been through it. There's a better way.

panadolsandwich

My brother, why do I put him through this? Has saved me again.

Try to remember the time for the rest of your life is close by, and it's killing me.

Cause inside me I feel like I'm falling but I can't let go, Just holding on to the life that holds me, I just can't let things go.

Anything I've ever been is kind of unwritten unread.

The world and me, we tend to somewhat disagree. I don't mind because I'm losing touch, of the twisting in, and the senselessness, of the words she spoke and are still unlocked, they will return and I will burn. Goodbye my true, I can't forget you'd see me through.

I'm sorry and deeply empathetic for everyone here. It doesn't help me or anyoneelses to share anymore - I've swum through a ea of deep green bottles to get here. I've tried to explain my fear, my mistrust, my very soul. And none of it's worked.

I drank and then I just threw it up like my body had never taken anything as toxic as that before. I'm feeling so sick I'd be happy if I died. Throwing up every 5 minutes. Hallucinations, shivering despite the heat, I look through my journal and can't read it, I feel like bugs are crawling through my body.

Christ i can't..>I can't stop my racing mind..If only the voice would stop. but it never ******* will. ia; anaaaaaaaaaaaan doesn't stop. ever. it jussssst doesn't ******* stop.

Morning Glory

You haven't slept. Going without sleep will make anyone feel out of their mind. I live with racing thoughts too and when I go without sleep I feel really really nuts.

If you can't sleep then maybe a trip to the ER to get some help would be a good idea. Don't feel guilty and don't judge yourself so harshly. Get back up and do the best you can. Go somewhere where you can get more support. You sound very alone in all of this. Don't try to do this alone. Call someone.

panadolsandwich

I'll tryy. \\ ONe of the most horrible things I've discovered that most ppl are just walking around dead. The business suit that knocks over the blind man. He's dead to me. He'll never, ever understand the callousness and hurt that he'll dish out... And I'm sure he'll have ppl telling of how fantastic a bloke he was and all the charities he supported, when I hope he dies.

It's a graveyard of living nightmares out there, what drove me to drink in the first place. And I can't handle it. Tell me why I was given wings and then she took away the sky?

Morning Glory

The sky is still there. You just can't see it right now, but you will again.

And just ignore the guy in the business suit. He's not important. Stop defining yourself through the eyes of others. All your emotions belong to you and you will have to face some things and do some work to feel better. All the answers are there for you to find. You just have to keep looking.

Morning Glory

When you can, read a little of this post. It's about obsessive thinking.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/show...threadid=22603

panadolsandwich

least I know or understand my story of 'Frank -the happy rat' now. I think most ppl can identify with that. Except that rat had a more honest funeral than that business suit will ever have. I didn't know why I did that at the time, I don't call it a higher power, just something deep in my subconcious. But I realise now exactly what I meant, even though I'd thought it was just a huge joke at the time. But I've been awake for so long now. I'm going to the medicine cabinet and there I'll take temazipam. I've resisted but I don't want to die, and it's over, sleep should cure all these

Morning Glory

I hope you get some sleep. When you come back to the boards maybe you can talk to the people here and come up with a plan to take the right steps to get support and a program that will help you make it through this.

Hugs,
MG

panadolsandwich

It's weird, I mean that's whats so disturbing, I checked my letterbox and was just offered a contract for three months at $950 a day supervising the extraction of zinc from a project I mainly designed in my more lucent days, because I'm a mining engineer.

I know I can do the job, I'll have to detox all over again, ask for a week, but at least I'll have something to keep me busy when I get out this time. It's not the money I find appealing, although it's going to help, it's the appeal of doing something worthwhile, and gaining respect by it. I need to get rid of these blackened eyes somehow. Please girls I might need some makeup tips here!

Isn't it strange when you're at your most low you can receive the best news?

Music

Good morning panadol,
Interesting post!!
If you have an AA Big Book, please take it and start reading at the bottom of page 60, through page 62. You may get some answers there.
Take care.

panadolsandwich

Well my brother helped by using humour, so here goes.

Mark's tips for alcoholics (presented in the form of a fashionable lifestyle show).

* You might be feeling a bit low right now and your usual way of dealing with that is to drink right? But what happens when you get too sick to even be able to drink? Well just grab one of the tall bottles - there's sure to be plenty just lying about and fill it with water. Just fill it with water and drink it all. You might need to do this a few times. Eventually your body will reject the water together with that unwanted alcohol. Repeat for a while, it's a bonza way of getting back on the grog again (thumbs up, sly grin).

* Now sometimes you might find you can't sleep because you've decided to give the grog a miss? No worries mate. Just go to your a medical centre were there aim is to get you in and out of the door as soon as they can. There they will prescribe and even give you a sample pack of these wonderful pills called benzodiazepines. Don't worry about the complicated name, taking these things makes all those boring shows on telly just like this one really interesting or even bearable. And you don't need to worry about sleep either, you'll virtually be asleep all the time anyway! (smile and wink playfully).

* You might feel sad and a bit lost for a while. Well don't mind that, remember you can always have your misery refunded in full (nods head knowingly). You might even find the hypocrisy and little quips tarnished by over use and repitition amusing for a while. Cop that guy speaking for 15 minutes about his twenty years sobriety with a can of beer wrapped in newspaper under his seat! Now that's a bloke you can learn from! (thumb's up and happy grin).

* Finally don't forget that now you've learnt all these things you can drink even more safe in the knowledge that you have learnt to be a better drunk! (Picks up enormous glass of beer and takes a huge drink. Grins with ecstasy). Aaah, so refreshing. Now it's over to our mate Lopper who's going to show us how to handle the in's and out's bankrupcy. Lopper?

floridaskibum

Panadol,

I haven't posted in about six months. I've been in a dysfunctional relationship with an A for 5 years now and have been struggling with successful detachment for quite some time. It’s been 3 months since we split again, and a month since we’ve spoken now... And I’ve run the full gamut of feelings, hurt, angry, sad, angry again! Your emails made a difference to me, and made coping a little easier with your response to prettywoman... (how you feel about the woman who tried to help you through), and the link you offered her (which really helped me!). And therefore I hope I can make a difference in how you're feeling.

You see, everything you just said I have heard my bf say when he was in his first few weeks of sobriety. He couldn't sleep, which made him more anxious, which made him depressed. Then his "mind raced" and the more his mind raced the more he spoke of suicide. Getting through this period was always the hardest... Just know you’re not alone. Apparently feeling this way is a normal process of detoxifying your body, so why let this cunning disease win?

You sound like an educated guy, and therefore you know the flip side of depression is enthusiasm. I read it in your posts upon your release from detox. The whole world seemed at your fingertips then, it was alive and wonderful. And that wonderful world is still there awaiting you to embrace it again. You can’t change where you’ve been Pan, but you CAN change where you’re going... Stop staring at one side of the leaf and all it’s imperfections... turn it over instead and discover the excitement of the unknown. I wish with all my heart that my ex had half the insight and compassion you have, then maybe we could have survived this together. Instead he’s still the guy in the link you sent to Prettywoman. Your not that guy (anymore), so give yourself credit where credit is due. Keep on coming back, and help others as you have helped me

Rotten

Hey Mark,
Where you been? I've been looking for you!
You graduated to the alcoholsm board now?!??!
Seriously mate, how are you feeling now? Better I hope...
I don't know what you took from my postings and I don't know if you read my last one, but please stick around - you where a massive help to me and I hope I can be to you.
Take care.

panadolsandwich

Thankyou so much for your reply Florida, It really has cheered me up,I'll write back in a little.

Rotten I'm still here and will be back in an hour if I can, to let you know how I'm going, I'm just going through one of those waves of sickness, I really appreciate all your support. I hope you're ok. This forum has helped me a lot when I feel like this.

Mark.

panadolsandwich

I was too wrapped up in myself before to even acknowledge and thank you for your words of support.

You have an enormous amount of wisdom to share with us fellow travellers, please keep it up. I was so grateful of that link to the behaviour of an addict which has made me understand myself a lot (and all I did was provide a link to your article, and three ppl - including myself have greatly benefited just recently that I know of), and I've skimmed through the article on obsessive thinking - you should be very proud of sharing your discoveries, and experiences.

Sorry if the praise embarasses you, but I would hate to think you thought I was ungrateful.

I hope you get this message, I'll try to PM to you, I haven't learnt the ropes about that yet - I mean is there an ettiquite - do you need an invitation to use the PM?

Morning Glory

I hope you're feeling better Mark.

Anyone can use the Private Message system.

Thank you for the PM.

Hugs,
MG