wanttobehealthy

I respect and appreciate hearing the perspective of those who ARE serious about recovery which is why I post here at times...

My AH sent me an email about 5 min ago and among many things told me that he's now glad that we're separating (and going to divorce) bc:

To me this smacks of b.s. and sounds like he's blaming me for his NOT taking recovery seriously. It also sounds like he's taking words I've used (house has become ill) and is throwing them around without any meaning-- just more ways to avoid personal responsibility.

I don't know why this is making me so upset but it is-- and if my interpretation is totally off, feel free to set me straight-- I really don't know what's what anymore these days.

Anna

The best thing is to focus on yourself and continue with AlAnon. It sounds like your husband wants/needs some time apart.

I hope you feel better.

Freedom1990

I agree with Anna. Continue to focus on yourself and attend Alanon.

The more I concentrated on what "he" was/wasn't doing, the sicker I got.

I can promise you, in working on your own recovery, you will be okay. It may not feel like it at times, but you will.

Fandy

he's going to say whatever he can to make you feel bad....you have stated that he is verbally rude/abusive/hurtful on purpose.

I would have cut my thumbs off to some personal support at home when I first decided to stop drinking.

Instead I had SR and adopted a little dog.

wanttobehealthy

Just to clarify- I have told him I want a divorce and he has fought me on leaving the house, limiting contact, respecting my request that he not just "come by"... So the "I need space" b.s. is in my opinion, just that. B.S. Trying to act as if he is the one choosing to leave-- I guess it makes no difference what he thinks... Right now I'm having a hard time not letting what he says get to me...

I do need to focus on al anon and just myself and my girls-- thanks for the reminder.

BP44

Why are you obsessed with what he's doing or thinkng? Sue D. has a great Alanon story that you can find on XA speakers. Maybe listening to some Alanon stories will help you identify with what's going on. I know that my wife was as obsessed with what I was doing, thinking and behaving as I was obsessed with booze. My obsession is the booze, her's is the boozer. This kind of thing doesn't go away quickly.

wanttobehealthy

my obsession is his on going abusive behavior that i have no "proof" of and wanting to keep him from our kids. my obsession is that he can destroy his life all he wants but i am sick of being sucked in and thanks to my stupidly having kids with him i have to have at least some contact with him. his refusal to leave the house, his showing up at midnight drunk, his phone calls at all hours... that's not obsession- that's me being fed up with abusive/stalker ish behavior. i guess a restraining order is what's left.

i can't go no contact bc of the kids and i don't have a custody order bc we are not divorced yet so he has a right to see them and in his mind, come over any time he wants.

i get that it is my fault for "letting" it get to me but frankly, it's not quite as easy as "just don't let it bother you". i haven't numbed myself with alcohol as he has to avoid discomfort and right now he's going all out since i've made it clear we are getting a divorce.

keithj

I agree. 'Just don't let it bother you' is as impossible as 'just don't drink'. That is exactly why Al-Anon, like Alcoholics Anonymous, has a set of actions that can be taken to solve this problem.