Relapse :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Relapse :(
Well I am writing this with embaracement and shame but working on not feeling that way. Around 16 days ago I relapsed after around 1.5yrs sober. Three months ago I broke up with a girl who I still consider to be the prettiest most amazing person to cross my path and that has been really hard, I can’t even be her friend as I would leave crying after seeing her even though I promised to always be in her life. I’m still having dreams about her and think of her often. Then I hurt my neck really badly in jiujitsu and have not been able to train at all which is what I have done for a long time to balance me out.
I feel so full of **** because in my one year story posting I said if she ever left me or I broke my arm in fighting I would not pick up a drink. Well both did happen (neck not arm) I did drink and it was not worth it as it has made things much worse in my life. I’m not even wanting to post this because I would rather lie to you all but for the first 9 month that I did not drink I was on this site everyday and not in AA so you all are “my home group” in the virtual sense.
A few week ago I took my mom to dinner who is in a wheel chair and has a slew of health problems. I felt sad thinking about not being with that girl and on the way home this stupid uncle cracker song came on the radio that reminded me of her. I hadn’t been able to do jiujitsu for a long time either and after I put my mom’s pajama’s on and went up stairs I just sat on my bed crying. Instead of praying, calling a friend, going to a meeting or doing the things I have been doing for the past year and a half I decided that I was going to drink that night and not tell anyone about it. Just pass out, not think about the pain in my neck, heart or anything else that was hurting. I went to the gas station and bought a small bottle of vodka.
I woke up on Sunday around 5pm and there was a that little bottle empty on my dresser along with an empty big bottle that I have no clue where it came from. I must have drove in the midst of a black out. So now even after a 1.5yr break the diseases is right back where it was. I immediately think that I need more and go down the stairs, my mom is there in the kitchen and asks if I have been drinking along with my 17yr old brother who happened to be over from my step-dads visiting. I say no and that I am sick but going to get medicine. I go into the garage and my brother steps in front of my car door to stop me, I “arm dragged” or basically grabbed behind his tricep and pulled him back to try and slip in the car door. He punches me in the face pretty hard and I fall to my back. Sadly he came down to the ground with me and even drunk as a skunk I was able to throw up a jiujitsu submission (triangle) and began to choke him. His face turned red and at that moment I realized I’m about to put my little brother to sleep over him stopping me from potentially killing someone. I let go of the hold and tell him “ok, ok I am going inside” he punches me in the face again this time spiting my lip open pretty good…. I did not retaliate and say I am going to sleep it off as I am in the wrong. About 20min later there is a knock on my bedroom door and two police men are there. I come down stairs and there are two more and around three cop cars in the driveway. My step dad is screaming “take his ungrateful ass to jail, we sent him to rehab, pay for college night classes and he does not care, I don’t want to see him ever again” they handcuff and put me in the cop car. I’m crying my face is cut open and there is blood all over my shirt. A year and half sober and here I am, just wanted to not feel hurt for one night and it turned into this. The police said they were going to charge with me assault but since my I did not hit my brother they didn’t really have much to go with. They allowed me to go to my sister’s house where I sobered up and returned to work on Tuesday.
This all happened around 17 days ago. I have not drank since and have been going to around two AA meetings a day, even on my lunch break. Never used to speak in meetings but now I can’t stop talking in them. I’m 27 and want to live a happy sober life. I thought I would never drink again. I’m still full of quilt and shame over what transpired. If anyone has any stories of having more than a year of not drinking and relapsing I would love to hear the impute or anything encouraging from anyone. Nothing is worth drining over and I feel like a failure. I have not lost my job fulltime job and still take night classes, and thank god not legal problems. My step dad said he is done with me and not paying tuition anymore so that hurts, he won’t even look at me. I’m back to one day at a time and not drinking today, it’s so hard thinking I had like 500days sober and now have 17, but at least I have today. Sorry for letting anyone down on this forum who looked up to me in some way.
~Rws177
I feel so full of **** because in my one year story posting I said if she ever left me or I broke my arm in fighting I would not pick up a drink. Well both did happen (neck not arm) I did drink and it was not worth it as it has made things much worse in my life. I’m not even wanting to post this because I would rather lie to you all but for the first 9 month that I did not drink I was on this site everyday and not in AA so you all are “my home group” in the virtual sense.
A few week ago I took my mom to dinner who is in a wheel chair and has a slew of health problems. I felt sad thinking about not being with that girl and on the way home this stupid uncle cracker song came on the radio that reminded me of her. I hadn’t been able to do jiujitsu for a long time either and after I put my mom’s pajama’s on and went up stairs I just sat on my bed crying. Instead of praying, calling a friend, going to a meeting or doing the things I have been doing for the past year and a half I decided that I was going to drink that night and not tell anyone about it. Just pass out, not think about the pain in my neck, heart or anything else that was hurting. I went to the gas station and bought a small bottle of vodka.
I woke up on Sunday around 5pm and there was a that little bottle empty on my dresser along with an empty big bottle that I have no clue where it came from. I must have drove in the midst of a black out. So now even after a 1.5yr break the diseases is right back where it was. I immediately think that I need more and go down the stairs, my mom is there in the kitchen and asks if I have been drinking along with my 17yr old brother who happened to be over from my step-dads visiting. I say no and that I am sick but going to get medicine. I go into the garage and my brother steps in front of my car door to stop me, I “arm dragged” or basically grabbed behind his tricep and pulled him back to try and slip in the car door. He punches me in the face pretty hard and I fall to my back. Sadly he came down to the ground with me and even drunk as a skunk I was able to throw up a jiujitsu submission (triangle) and began to choke him. His face turned red and at that moment I realized I’m about to put my little brother to sleep over him stopping me from potentially killing someone. I let go of the hold and tell him “ok, ok I am going inside” he punches me in the face again this time spiting my lip open pretty good…. I did not retaliate and say I am going to sleep it off as I am in the wrong. About 20min later there is a knock on my bedroom door and two police men are there. I come down stairs and there are two more and around three cop cars in the driveway. My step dad is screaming “take his ungrateful ass to jail, we sent him to rehab, pay for college night classes and he does not care, I don’t want to see him ever again” they handcuff and put me in the cop car. I’m crying my face is cut open and there is blood all over my shirt. A year and half sober and here I am, just wanted to not feel hurt for one night and it turned into this. The police said they were going to charge with me assault but since my I did not hit my brother they didn’t really have much to go with. They allowed me to go to my sister’s house where I sobered up and returned to work on Tuesday.
This all happened around 17 days ago. I have not drank since and have been going to around two AA meetings a day, even on my lunch break. Never used to speak in meetings but now I can’t stop talking in them. I’m 27 and want to live a happy sober life. I thought I would never drink again. I’m still full of quilt and shame over what transpired. If anyone has any stories of having more than a year of not drinking and relapsing I would love to hear the impute or anything encouraging from anyone. Nothing is worth drining over and I feel like a failure. I have not lost my job fulltime job and still take night classes, and thank god not legal problems. My step dad said he is done with me and not paying tuition anymore so that hurts, he won’t even look at me. I’m back to one day at a time and not drinking today, it’s so hard thinking I had like 500days sober and now have 17, but at least I have today. Sorry for letting anyone down on this forum who looked up to me in some way.
~Rws177
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 147
Man, really sorry to hear this man. I don't have any advice really, but just wanted to say I can sympathize with you. There really isn't a good reason to pick up that drink. It usually is never worth it. I hope you can get back on track. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 729
Two things;
1-Thank you so much for sharring. I strengthen my resolve simply by reading your story. The courage to post after a slip is to be commended.
2-How much stronger and commited are you after this horrid event?
I hope you see even clearere now how horrible poison is and that next time life go to (*& you avoid the bottle.
Best.
1-Thank you so much for sharring. I strengthen my resolve simply by reading your story. The courage to post after a slip is to be commended.
2-How much stronger and commited are you after this horrid event?
I hope you see even clearere now how horrible poison is and that next time life go to (*& you avoid the bottle.
Best.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi RWS-
That was a one night, but full of lasting consequences and I know how that feels.
We have to get ourselves to the point in our recovery where we will not drink no-matter-what. Once we get there, we have to keep working, every single day, to stay there.
AA, working the steps of AA, will get you there.
Keep going to meetings, get a sponsor, and work those steps. Never let up.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful and will kill us or worse.
Kjell~
That was a one night, but full of lasting consequences and I know how that feels.
We have to get ourselves to the point in our recovery where we will not drink no-matter-what. Once we get there, we have to keep working, every single day, to stay there.
AA, working the steps of AA, will get you there.
Keep going to meetings, get a sponsor, and work those steps. Never let up.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful and will kill us or worse.
Kjell~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by thisisme 
Two things;
1-Thank you so much for sharring. I strengthen my resolve simply by reading your story. The courage to post after a slip is to be commended.
2-How much stronger and commited are you after this horrid event?
I hope you see even clearere now how horrible poison is and that next time life go to (*& you avoid the bottle.
Best.
1-Thank you so much for sharring. I strengthen my resolve simply by reading your story. The courage to post after a slip is to be commended.
2-How much stronger and commited are you after this horrid event?
I hope you see even clearere now how horrible poison is and that next time life go to (*& you avoid the bottle.
Best.
I'm kind of shy in large groups but when I speak about what happend at AA everyone is really supportive. A girl the other night told me she had three years sober, relapsed one night a few weeks ago resulting in her 2nd DWI and may go to jail. Another person told me that he had 10yrs sober then slipped and kept drinking for 3 more till they lost everything. Had I not spoke about it this I would not know any of there stories. Also I learned that I have no control over my drinking, knew that already but now it is strongly reafirmed. Trying to explain why I drank to non-alcoholics is really hard, people with the problem seem to be a bit more supportive. I'm just hoping I can stop being so hard on myself about this......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
This is tough, and it's the reality of this disease/addiction....I am so sorry this happened to you, somewhere you can find a lesson how not to let it happen again... It's a wake up call to all of us...it can and does happen no matter how long you are in recovery....scares me to death...thank-you for sharing and for reminding me, what I'm not doing in my own recovery....
Take care....keep your chin up!! there are better tomorrows waiting for you!!!
Take care....keep your chin up!! there are better tomorrows waiting for you!!!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
:ghug3 That's really tough, rws....... No one here would ever think any less of you for relapsing - you were doing your best and you're still trying. I know how hard it is to admit, though.... I relapsed after 3-4 years, went to rehab, got another 3-4 years and went back to drinking again after that. This disease will humble anybody.
What happened to you could be a good thing because it convinced you to get back to your sobriety. I'm sure it's hard without the support of your girlfriend and your dad, but I like what Ivonna Trump said after Donald divorced her: "Success is the best revenge!"
You're already a success - it takes courage be honest and it takes courage to be sober. Rock on!!!!
What happened to you could be a good thing because it convinced you to get back to your sobriety. I'm sure it's hard without the support of your girlfriend and your dad, but I like what Ivonna Trump said after Donald divorced her: "Success is the best revenge!"
You're already a success - it takes courage be honest and it takes courage to be sober. Rock on!!!!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by rws177
A girl the other night told me she had three years sober, relapsed one night a few weeks ago resulting in her 2nd DWI and may go to jail.
Boom. 2nd dui and I got in a lot of trouble and went to jail for 6 days, but that was nothing compared to other parts of my sentence which I'm still working "off".
Relapses aren't always innocent and can be full of lasting consequences.
Thank you for posting this here as you're helping us to stay sober too.
Kjell~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
rws --
I am sorry to hear this happened. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure the raw honesty you displayed could not have been easy, but it is appreciated.
I wish you well. Keep hitting those meetings, and work that program.
I am sorry to hear this happened. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure the raw honesty you displayed could not have been easy, but it is appreciated.
I wish you well. Keep hitting those meetings, and work that program.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
rws,
The good news is you are more resolved now.
Member Atman (thank you Atman), posted in a thread, a very inspirational blog by Evan Tanner I think you would appreciate.
The hardest thing we might ever do in our life is get, and stay, sober.
If its any consolation, I know you didn't want to choke out your Bro. It was a reaction from training, not a considered response. I still have reactions from training over 30 years ago, an arm drag is almost instinctive (not as quick now though, but it only worked on chumps anyway!) from wrestling.
I know if I pick up a drink again, it will be a reaction, not a considered response.
Keep up the good work, you can do it with a hurt neck. A hurt neck just means more work to do, No? Physical therapy is hard work, and so is mental.
Balance is important for them to compliment each other, and be synergistic.
The good news is you are more resolved now.
Member Atman (thank you Atman), posted in a thread, a very inspirational blog by Evan Tanner I think you would appreciate.
The hardest thing we might ever do in our life is get, and stay, sober.
If its any consolation, I know you didn't want to choke out your Bro. It was a reaction from training, not a considered response. I still have reactions from training over 30 years ago, an arm drag is almost instinctive (not as quick now though, but it only worked on chumps anyway!) from wrestling.
I know if I pick up a drink again, it will be a reaction, not a considered response.
Keep up the good work, you can do it with a hurt neck. A hurt neck just means more work to do, No? Physical therapy is hard work, and so is mental.
Balance is important for them to compliment each other, and be synergistic.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 270
rws177:
I am sorry for your troubles, but it is good that you stopped after only one day, before you could get re-addicted. As others have pointed out to you, many people keep going for many days, months, or years.
It is not an all or nothing proposition, so long as your plan to not drink again is still intact. "Relapse" implies a return of a previous affliction, but it need not be that way.
As you pointed, out, you still have your job and school.
Stay strong.
I am sorry for your troubles, but it is good that you stopped after only one day, before you could get re-addicted. As others have pointed out to you, many people keep going for many days, months, or years.
It is not an all or nothing proposition, so long as your plan to not drink again is still intact. "Relapse" implies a return of a previous affliction, but it need not be that way.
As you pointed, out, you still have your job and school.
Stay strong.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
To reiterate what others have already said, I admire and appreciate the courage and honesty it took to post. Thank you.
In regards to my own situation, I was struck by the following:
Realized I have been carrying around a mental list of things that, if they happen, it won't cause me to drink. For instance, if something happens to my sisters, if one of my dogs die, if my wife gets ill or if our marriage ends, and so on, I'm not going to deal with it by drinking.
I guess the truth is, being armed with a list is no protection against taking that first drink. And whatever that protection is, I'm not sure I have it.
In regards to my own situation, I was struck by the following:
Originally Posted by rws177
...in my one year story posting I said if she ever left me or I broke my arm in fighting I would not pick up a drink. Well both did happen (neck not arm) I did drink
I guess the truth is, being armed with a list is no protection against taking that first drink. And whatever that protection is, I'm not sure I have it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There's a saying: "there are good experiences and then there are learning experiences".
Please, please stop beating yourself up. We're alcoholics, we're addicted to alcohol.
Decide: today I'm not going to drink. Keep it as simple as that, because that's what it comes down to. One day at a time we decide not to drink.
That said, I can certainly empathize with your feelings. Early sobriety was so awful that I go to a lot of meetings because I don't believe I'd go through that a second time.
I've had dreams of drinking and then feeling huge shame.
God bless and thanks for posting.
Please, please stop beating yourself up. We're alcoholics, we're addicted to alcohol.
Decide: today I'm not going to drink. Keep it as simple as that, because that's what it comes down to. One day at a time we decide not to drink.
That said, I can certainly empathize with your feelings. Early sobriety was so awful that I go to a lot of meetings because I don't believe I'd go through that a second time.
I've had dreams of drinking and then feeling huge shame.
God bless and thanks for posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
We all help each other. As hard as this was for you to post..keep in mind that you may have saved another from a relapse. I am so happy you are working your way back. The biggest fear is for the people that relapse and never find their way back to sobriety. 2nd chances don't happen for everyone. I wish you peace!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 638
Originally Posted by Kjell
That's exactly what happened to me. On my first attempt to get sober, I went about 2 months without drinking, then drank one night, blacked out, and wrecked my car causing an accident.
Boom. 2nd dui and I got in a lot of trouble and went to jail for 6 days, but that was nothing compared to other parts of my sentence which I'm still working "off".
Relapses aren't always innocent and can be full of lasting consequences.
Thank you for posting this here as you're helping us to stay sober too.
Kjell~
Boom. 2nd dui and I got in a lot of trouble and went to jail for 6 days, but that was nothing compared to other parts of my sentence which I'm still working "off".
Relapses aren't always innocent and can be full of lasting consequences.
Thank you for posting this here as you're helping us to stay sober too.
Kjell~
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