duqld1717

BUT I just want to get the other side's opinion...my ex boyfriend is an Alcoholic. We broke up only a few months ago. I saw him out recently and we live in a small town and its hard to avoid him. I have been somewhat sad since the breakup but taking it day by day and I'm on my way to getting over it. I loved him very much but had to let him go because I wasn't being treated well but we were very close. I asked him how he was handling things and he said he hadn't even thought about the breakup and he was fine and had moved on.

My question to you guys: What is it with Alcoholics that let's them move on so quick? Sorry if this sounds silly but I just don't get how they are able to turn their feelings on and off like that? I can't do that...

suki44883

Well, it's possible that it has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. It could just be that he's a jerk.

Ethos23

For me, I would use alcohol to get over difficult times. If I had to go to a funeral, I would drink more. Hard times at home. Drink more. If your ex drinks like I did, then he will go on a long binge (week or longer). As such, there won't be any time for any real feelings to set it. I hope this provides some insight.

Hang in there.

TwelveSteps

Yeah... that's certainly not the case with me. I don't think it has anything to do with being an alcoholic.

GG

David 1

I'll take a stab at this and say someone's ability to emotionally move on in a seemingly quick manner after such a situation has nothing to do with being an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and I cannot turn my feelings on and off either!!

I will say a few words that I try to live by: You can choose how you feel or react to something!

Dave

ImReadyToQuit

Perhaps he isn't getting along just fine.. Alcoholics are notorious liars.. He could be crying right now with a bottle in front of him.

duqld1717

I always got the feeling that the more I did for him or gave to him, the more loving and affectionate he would become. The second I stopped giving or doing, even for a moment, he would withdraw from me somewhat. I am beggining to think that the whole relationship was one sided. I truly loved him unconditionally. He loved me conditionally as long as I was giving or doing something that benefitted him. This makes me feel very duped because I thought he loved me no matter what but now I feel that just wasn't the case. Perfect example, I was laid off about a year ago and he was the meanest and coldest person towards me I had ever seen. When I found a new job, he was all smiles and lovey dovey. Now looking back this is Grosssssss to me. Makes my skin crawl.

simplyfab

He can just be lying to you by saying that he's fine and has moved on.
It sounds like you were the one to end things, so he might be putting up a front to show you that he's ego wasn't affected in any way.
Maybe he's still with his tail between his legs and feeling really ashamed that his alcoholism caused the breakup and just said what was gonna make HIM feel better about the situation.

Or maybe he's just really over the whole thing and really has moved on.

I know one thing, he reached his goal in getting your mind working. Why else would he go as far as saying he hasn't even thought about the breakup? That is total BS. That's unnecessary information and not normal "so how are you doing?" chit chat.

Don't even worry about it. You can think of a hundred reasons why he said that or wonder how he could've gotten over you so quick. But the only one that matters is what he really feels, and only he can tell you and I doubt you want to open that door.

If he has moved on..and if you say you were as close as you were, then just be happy for him and continue to live your life.
He sounds like kind of a jerk anyway...

laurie6781

First, an alcoholics primary love is ALCOHOL.

Second, an alcoholic usually doesn't love themselves, therefore are incapable of loving anyone else. They do know how to 'pretend' for periods of time.

Third, I would bet that whom he has moved on with is either another enabler or a 'drinking buddy.'

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Yes I drank alcoholically for about 22 years and drank overall for about 24 years. Yes, I have been continuously sober for a very long time now.

Yes, I did what you Ex has done, several times to different 'partners'. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and yes that was alcohol, and heaven help anyone that got in my way .................... they were out of my life.

I am glad for your sake that you are moving on and working on you, so when you do find your 'Mr Right' your picker will be in better working order!

Love and hugs,

smacked

Sounds like it's good you got out of the relationship and can now move on with your life.

Hollyanne

I am an alcoholic and am the opposite. I think I get too attached to people.
I have had physical pain in my heart. Why do you think we drink? I also have been very badly left down by people. I ain't letting them know it hurts though!
Sorry, you are sad. You are still better off without him though. As Simplyfab was saying, it was not a "natural" answer at all.

Squizz

Odds are he's not being honest with you. He's probably just drowned his feelings in alcohol. Or who knows? Maybe he didn't really love you at all. I wouldn't let it get to you one way or the other. Sounds like you made the right decision, and that's what really matters. You gotta' take care of yourself. Sounds like he has a hard time taking care of himself, and if he is incapable of doing this, there's nothing *you* can do for him. It might hurt for a while, but you'll get over it. Trust me.

I was once cheated on by an ex-gf. I was seeing a psychologist at the time, and he broke it down very easily for me, and made things a lot easier. He simply said, "If she wants to eat garbage instead of steak, you can't stop her."

That opened up my eyes a lot. He claims he's moved on, so you should do the same yourself.

JTele

Sorry to sound harsh, but this sounds like a very selfish man to me.....alcoholic or not. It sounds as though you were indeed "duped."

duqld1717

Yes, the selfishness on his end was crazy. I basically didn't get anything out of the relationship at the end. I was just numb and existing. What I thought was strange about him was he would say something so emotionally abusive or do something very disrespectful towards me and while he was yelling at me or doing something to hurt my feelings, he would cry. Tears would be running down his face. This confused me alot because as he was saying he hated me or didnt love me, he would be crying? Deep down, I think he hated himself for how abusive and sick he was but I don't think he could do anything about it. It was very passive aggressive which confused me alot throughout our relationship.

Ranger

Show me one in the grips of his addiction and I'll show you a narcissist.

Alcoholics are mentally ill. Please do not task yourself with trying to understand the inner workings of a mentally ill ex. Life is too short, darlin.

Reset

I wouldn't say it's an alcoholic trait to be able to turn emotions on and off like a switch.

And I wouldn't overthink things, just move on.

CarolD

I'm sure glad he is an ex...

It's my experience...not all loves are forever ...
and some are just bad news.

UniqueNewYork

I know two men like this. One is my former best friend and one is my current best friend. The first guy, his mother overdosed on heroin when he was a kid. I believe it was a suicide. Their father is also a POS neglectful parent. The second guy, his father was a drug dealer who died when he was a kid and his mother was an alcoholic.

Now your ex might just be as normal as can be and he is just very in control of his emotions. I really doubt it. I would love to hear if one of his parents has died or had a tragic situation about them.

There is a great movie that describes this phenomenon called Good Will Hunting. I will paraphrase the most important scene

Robin Williams' character: "Oh and why do you think he does that Jerry? He pushes people away before they can leave him because the people who were supposed to love him the most abandoned him. And for the last 20 years he's been alone because of it."

Thats a movie though. Real life is much more complex. I would not get back together with him regardless if he said he has moved on. Both of these men are also borderline womanizers. They weren't loved at home as much as they should have so they go out into the world and they want to be with women to fulfill something missing in their self esteem because they didn't have all those moments of being pat on the back and hey you had a great little league game or good job on your essay at school.

This is just my opinions and speculation. I'm not trying to put anyone in a box this is just what I see going on. I think everyone has the capacity to change if they will acknowledge they have an issue. I know because I did change.

Boleo

When I was obsessed with alcohol, it was my primary purpose in life. Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) else was ancillary to my booze. I forgot about my wife walking out on me 15 minutes after getting a fresh supply from the liquor store.

Toronto68

Du, I don't think it's a silly question, but it's one that really depends on a lot of things. Everybody has their own degree of attachment, commitment, etc. I have no clue what the ex-bf is like. He might have been able to just move on, but I don't know for a fact he has never really moved on from the last 10 things to really hurt him. Alcohol is effective sometimes at helping an alcoholic to stay clear of hurtful emotions. I have had periods when I was capable of being protected from things that bothered me. Many people will tell you about how alcohol provided an illusory strength. I guess part of that would be some detachment.

But this could go on and on, back and forth. There's no "one" answer to it. I haven't been in love for ages, but does that mean I am incapable of it? Maybe that's true. I am also haunted by people I thought I loved in the past. I am inclined to think I'm not incapable of it, just that I have not been equipped to deal with several things successfully over time; and alcohol was a coping tool, beginning with the problems with myself. That doesn't mean I was the only source of problems and everybody else was an angel; just that I didn't know how to deal with things.

I am guessing that he would need to get on track with himself first, and that it would not be in your best interest to try to pursue him (if you wanted to). If there is something salvageable there, let it appear in months or even more than a year from now, but don't count on it. He might change himself to a wonderful degree, what do I know; on the other hand, he might be an awful waste of time and energy. Either way, you have to count first, just like he needs to figure out how to count first (enough not to drink his life away). A relationship is not parts of people coming together to make one, it's two different people coming together to become two people. You can't have (-2) + (+4) = 2 either; it has to be (+1) + (+1) = 2.