NLeone91

Hey all, just signed up on this site last night pretty impulsively and this is my first post so bear with me; it might be more of an introduction/venting session. I haven't had a drink in three days (longest spread I've managed to do since my first week of college). I am 25 now and while I won't go as far to say that I am in a crisis, I definitely have some very big problems that need to be addressed and vetted. Unfortunately, I can't talk about anything drinking related with my buddies because most of them don't have the issues I have and I can't with my family because I am under the microscope, and rightfully so. In the past few months I've been forced to come to terms with my drinking and what it does to me as well as others. My parents filed for divorce the day I graduated from college but lived in the same house for 3 months until they each found a new home to move into. My sister was still away at college and I had just moved back and spent those 3 months living in complete and utter agony. I still have not been able to forgive my parents for how they acted during that time and how I was constantly in the middle of all the madness that ensued. During those days, I would be drinking beer by myself during the day in my room and at nights I worked as a waiter at a restaurant, which almost always meant I would be drinking after work with the staff, etc. It got to the point of daily and nightly drinking, and not the fun kind I was used to in college. I was blacking out more, getting horribly hungover and anxious, but worst was my anger coming out full fledged.

That was 3 years ago and while I've had issues with other substances and underage drinking, nothing compares to what started in that time upon graduating from college to come back to my hell of a household. In the past year I've managed to ruin two really special friendships with guys I had been close to for a long time, each was brought on by my belligerent angry drunken behavior. I didn't even think I had a problem when I would run out of alcohol at my apartment and it was too late to buy any, so I'd go into the clubhouse of the yacht club I belong to knowing there was a magnum bottle of chardonnay in the fridge leftover from a function the previous evening. Or if I was at a family dinner and I would pound like 3 gin and tonics in 5 minutes in the upstairs living room before having my "first drink" with the rest of the family downstairs. This is how oblivious I was of my problem drinking.

My parents were both hospitalized for separate reasons earlier in 2010 and while that was happening, I visited my old restaurant friends, got bombed, and got a DUI. The legal/financial issues surrounding it sickened me but I got through it and had to take some alcohol counseling classes. I found myself more upset that they took urine samples and obsessively found ways to drink around it to beat the tests. Despite the massive headache that incident caused I have still found myself drinking and driving occasionally, sometimes during the day where I feel like I have more control. The community I live in is an alcohol cluster. I belong to a yacht and tennis club where everyone boozes. I play in a tennis league where after each match the bar is the destination. Family/family friend functions always have alcohol. Basically, I can't stop drinking no matter how horribly things turn out. Knowing that I am doing this and continuing to do this makes me sick to my stomach but the thought of being without alcohol for more than a few days annoys me and the thought of never drinking again terrifies. The title of this post "obsessing about my life" basically refers to what I do best.

When I am not working and back at home, all I do is constantly obsess about things in my life: Girls, friendships, career, family issues, and every single emotional and physical aspect of myself as well. The only thought I have to counter these is to drink. And usually when I do, I get the most narcissistic ego boost and it allows me to both feel sorry for myself and to feel supremely worthy of success and fortune. Sometimes I almost feel manic because on the exterior I project such a confident, lively image yet deep down there is a crippling self loathing and disgust resonating inside me. I feel like I define myself by my drinking, which upsets me because I have a lot of positive qualities and am well-liked by almost everyone I meet.

Lastly, I can't say that I will be sober anytime soon but I am certainly trying to make an effort to. The urges I get are strong and very frequent but the guilt the next day is also there, ten fold. I am thinking about attending an AA meeting in the near future but uneasy about the idea of it. Any suggestions or similar issues anyone has with any part of my post, please do respond as I'd appreciate it tremendously. Thank you for reading my "condensed" version of my rambling mind, haha.

P.S. I am in New York and if anyone has any info about AA meetings in NY and could reach out, that'd be cool.
Thanks,

Nick

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Google AA NYC, you should be able to find meeting times/locations, my own experience has found that the listings are fairly accurate for my area.

PureLife

A lot of this is so similar to me. I'm 24 today is one week since I've had a drink. One part where you said how you run out of alcohol and need to go get more. I do the same thing but my thing is I will make a couple drunk driving trips to the gas station. One week ago on St. pattys day it was past 2 so I went to a gay bar with a friend just to get more alcohol and I was so angry that guys were looking at me in my head i wanted to fight, and I know if i was sober it wouldn't of bothered me at all.. Another thing is how you say you obsess about the "title" of being sober and not being able to drink anymore. Right there with you. I've been binge drinking since i was 14 I am terrified to quit drinking I made that my life for so many years. What am I without it? I cannot answer that yet but I'm in the process of stopping drinking. I used to think I just liked to party. College party's house party's.. bar scenes.. come to find out i was just addicted to getting wasted pretty much. I would be sitting home the past like 3 years basically pounding 12-18 beers at least once a week then it got worse and was sometimes a couple times a week. Sad really. But I never really gave it a real shot to stop drinking and I came across this site and I honestly feel that there are so many people here who can help and it is a blessing to have a website for people like us. good luck on your journey to sobriety I hope we can all live a healthier happier life.

GettingStronger2

Good luck, Nick. You know what you have to do.

CarolD

welcome....

I too became a blackout drinker as an active alcoholic.
it was scary and very dangerous.
They stopped immediately as soon as I quit drinking.
That is a big plus.....

Thanks for joining us...I hope you will stay around
We are here to offer information ..our experiences and
support to anyone interested in winning over alcohol.

Please read the sticky posts on this Forum...they have lots of useful information

nandm

reggiewayne

Welcome!!! You're in the right place. If you want info regarding AA check out this site. xa-speakers.org I would go to the Joe and Charlie tapes and start at the Dr.'s opinion. It's good stuff man. AA has saved my life.

You CAN get better! Hang in there!!!!

David 1

You know I look back on my drinking now and see a lot of myself in your post. I drank to run away from problems and all it ever did was create more problems. And it is not how life is intended to be; boorish behavior, hangovers, fights, etc.

Its good that you are starting to realize that alcohol is holding you back and becoming a real deterrent. I wish I did that when I was 25!!

Keep doing some research and I agree, make it to a few AA meetings.

Dave

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome!

I REALLY hope you will get yourself to an AA meeting, soon--I think you will happily recognize that the ways you think and feel are pretty damn common among alcoholics. I found it to be a very reassuring experience to hear people who thought and felt just like I did.

I'm going to give you a couple of my favorite links that might help you make up your mind. The first is the online version of AA's "Big Book"--take a look, especially at "The Doctor's Opinion" and "More About Alcoholism". The first 164 pages are all about alcoholism and how AA works. Also, here's a very good article about what to expect at your first AA meeting.

least

Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere.

Squizz

Hi there! I'm 25 as well, and it *is* tough when you're younger. (It's tough whenever you decide to sober up as well though.) That being said, it is possible. You're in the right place. I'd suggest checking out some AA meetings. I know they sure help me a lot. If you do what's suggested there, you shouldn't have any trouble staying sober. Good luck!

artsoul

Welcome NLeone - I think most of us were terrified to quit, too. Alcohol was my only reward and escape (I used to call it my "mental vacation"). What I really gave me, though, was a lot of anxiety, depression and mornings in bed feeling ill.

It's ironic that we're scared to stop something that is so damaging to our lives...... but that's addiction...... I hope you'll give sobriety a chance. I still have to deal with an occasion urge, but I never want to go back to my dependency on alcohol.

recoverywfaith

Linz

What did you graduate from college with? Do you have any plans to use it for a career? I'm 25 as well and haven't yet been to school so I have planned on enrolling before the next semester. I have taken up yoga again, (something I used to do religiously before I started to drink.) Reading, writing, running, etc... maybe find a new hobby? Or a couple new ones. Something that will fill your time after tennis or whatever it is that makes the bar come next.
It is scary to think about never drinking again, try to meditate on "this one moment." That is, after all, all you've got.
Congrats on your sobriety, good luck!

reggiewayne

Good stuff. I called it my "pause button" for life. When things felt out of control, alcohol seemed (however brief) to put things back in control. The problem was the solution ended up being much more of a problem, than the problem....