A hell of a week. But not all bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
A hell of a week. But not all bad.
Without going into TMI-type detail, I've been extremely stressed by some family stuff and some other personal drama.
What I realised - I mean, I knew this, but it's been so clear this last week or two - was how much I stuffed down anger and resentment by drinking. I have exploded with anger at three different people over the last week, sort of barfing up stuff that I have been repressing for months or years. Oy vey. I haven't been a very nice person.
Another realisation - I was feeling so fantastic about not drinking that I have signed up for some fairly intense classes, work got crazy busy all of a sudden...and I realise I have been running on a treadmill like some demented hamster. Oh hey look, another shiny thing to take my mind off of crap going on in my life, and the fact that I am not getting wasted every night!
The good news: I am not drinking myself stupid. I am staying sober. Yay me.
The bad news: Life is still happening.
(I know that's not a big revelation or anything.)
I've been alternating between anger and nervous energy and being generally pretty tightly wound up, feeling so tired I could sleep for a month, and feeling really, really great, hopeful, plans, etc. I'm bipolar and recognise some of this for what it is...I have been off the heavy-duty mood stabilizers for a while and probably should get back on that wagon but the whole process wearies me so and I don't want to.
Right now, I feel pretty good. This is the first evening all week I've had time to chill out after work. I'm in class all day tomorrow, which will be fun.
What I realised - I mean, I knew this, but it's been so clear this last week or two - was how much I stuffed down anger and resentment by drinking. I have exploded with anger at three different people over the last week, sort of barfing up stuff that I have been repressing for months or years. Oy vey. I haven't been a very nice person.
Another realisation - I was feeling so fantastic about not drinking that I have signed up for some fairly intense classes, work got crazy busy all of a sudden...and I realise I have been running on a treadmill like some demented hamster. Oh hey look, another shiny thing to take my mind off of crap going on in my life, and the fact that I am not getting wasted every night!
The good news: I am not drinking myself stupid. I am staying sober. Yay me.
The bad news: Life is still happening.
(I know that's not a big revelation or anything.)
I've been alternating between anger and nervous energy and being generally pretty tightly wound up, feeling so tired I could sleep for a month, and feeling really, really great, hopeful, plans, etc. I'm bipolar and recognise some of this for what it is...I have been off the heavy-duty mood stabilizers for a while and probably should get back on that wagon but the whole process wearies me so and I don't want to.
Right now, I feel pretty good. This is the first evening all week I've had time to chill out after work. I'm in class all day tomorrow, which will be fun.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi Stevie. Yep, life keeps coming -- Sorry you've had such a rough week! I've tried to write down my resentments and then let them go . . . it helps me, but it's an ongoing process.
And it does sound like it would be good to talk to your doc soon about the meds just to get that aspect in order. I hope you feel better. Enjoy the class tomorrow!
And it does sound like it would be good to talk to your doc soon about the meds just to get that aspect in order. I hope you feel better. Enjoy the class tomorrow!
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Stevie,
Sorry to hear about the ups and downs and stress. I loved your description of the demented hamster! I know how that feels, but you summed it up particularly well.
Hope things even out and you get some down time to chill and relax.
Sorry to hear about the ups and downs and stress. I loved your description of the demented hamster! I know how that feels, but you summed it up particularly well.
Hope things even out and you get some down time to chill and relax.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
AG, working on the resentments...ongoing drama so it's not all cut and dried. I'm trying to accept and resolve rather than escalate, though.
The class is on domestic violence/sexual assault counseling (I did SA crisis counseling for almost 7 years in another state) through the YWCA, three hour evening classes and three 9-5 Saturday classes. It's really interesting; they're cramming a ton of material into each class.
I remember from previous quit attempts feeling very volatile and cranky. Oddly enough it's not feelings like that that trigger urges to drink. If I get past the first few weeks, it's been times where I feel really good that I decided to screw it up by drinking. Hmmm. Self-sabotage, anyone?
Part of what's stopping me from going back for mood stabilizers (I'm only on an anti-d right now) is the p-doc wants a cardiac work up before he'll prescribe any. Not that there's anything wrong with my heart, as far as I know, just his protocol for patients over 50. I don't have insurance currently (or a regular doctor) and haven't looked into whatever it takes for whatever they have to do in order to determine my heart is fine.
The class is on domestic violence/sexual assault counseling (I did SA crisis counseling for almost 7 years in another state) through the YWCA, three hour evening classes and three 9-5 Saturday classes. It's really interesting; they're cramming a ton of material into each class.
I remember from previous quit attempts feeling very volatile and cranky. Oddly enough it's not feelings like that that trigger urges to drink. If I get past the first few weeks, it's been times where I feel really good that I decided to screw it up by drinking. Hmmm. Self-sabotage, anyone?
Part of what's stopping me from going back for mood stabilizers (I'm only on an anti-d right now) is the p-doc wants a cardiac work up before he'll prescribe any. Not that there's anything wrong with my heart, as far as I know, just his protocol for patients over 50. I don't have insurance currently (or a regular doctor) and haven't looked into whatever it takes for whatever they have to do in order to determine my heart is fine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Stevie, hope you are feeling good today.
if you mention to your doctor that you do not have health insurance right now and ask for a cardiology work-up he should be able to direct you to a clinic...where they will either charge you on a sliding fee scale....or you can get worked up by one of the resident fellows (who are already internists, but getting boarded in their subspecialty of cardiology)...their DX is always checked by an Attending, but the charge may be much lower....
ther are also a lot of studies done at med schools that give you free care in exchange for participating...and maybe in pay you. the protocols are all different, but you doc. can fill you in on what is going on in your area.
if you mention to your doctor that you do not have health insurance right now and ask for a cardiology work-up he should be able to direct you to a clinic...where they will either charge you on a sliding fee scale....or you can get worked up by one of the resident fellows (who are already internists, but getting boarded in their subspecialty of cardiology)...their DX is always checked by an Attending, but the charge may be much lower....
ther are also a lot of studies done at med schools that give you free care in exchange for participating...and maybe in pay you. the protocols are all different, but you doc. can fill you in on what is going on in your area.
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