sleepie

I saw the therapist today. Late in 2009 I tried to take my life and I've had some time to think about that. I have been seeing this therapist for over a year now, so she knows me pretty well. I know for a fact that having to survive through hell was my only choice growing up. I know my life has suffered greatly because of it. Yes, I was abused- yes they are responsible though they will never admit it- and NO I did not deserve it. I was handed a big plate of s*** in life and left to my own without any kind of support to deal with it. However, suicide never crossed my mind until back when my GP took me off my anxiety meds way, way too quickly. I had all the horrific withdrawal symptoms that benzos can impart... while maintaining nearly 4 months of total abstinence from alcohol. After 4 months of sheer hell, and of trying to walk, bike and meditate to deal with feeling out of my body and mind- as well as insomnia and feeling constantly terrified- I began drinking again. Heavily. To cope. A few months later I attempted to take my life.

What I discussed with the therapist is how unlike me it was to try that. That I've had no choice but to f***ing get through s*** because the only other option was death and that was not something I was interested in, because the deepest part of me that survived all the abuse (integrity, honesty, empathy I held onto somehow) always hoped that someday, somehow- I would have the life I want. She agreed that after a year of sessions- she had been trying to figure out what caused me to attempt- because she saw that I always bounce back from horrible situations. She agrees it's been a really, really tough life and past few years but could not understand why someone as resilient as myself would have attempted- and totally agreed that the GP's extremely poor handling of taking me off anxiety meds was the first step on my road to a suicide attempt. I have never felt so validated in my life. Someone, FINALLY, gets something. I am beyond p***ed at that doctor. He f***ed with my core.... the core that got me through alotta f***ing s*** that no person should have to go through. And I knew it, and I was right

I walked home (three miles for exercise) feeling better than I have for a long, looooooong time, and hopeful even.

She also approves of the diet I plan to try. And the scale says 4 pounds less today, maybe all my walking is starting to take effect.

F***ING YAY FOR ME!

Justfor1

I tried to take my life three times. Although only one time was serious the others were just to get attention I think? I also have been yanked off a benzo in the past & can relate because it was horrible. Insomnia and suicidal thoughts were the big problems. I guess I just want to share that I relate quite a bit to this post.

MrDavid

Hi sleepie...I'm glad to hear your alive and well. I'm also happy to hear about your breakthrough; It's nice to feel alive again doesn't it? I hope you continue to experience more of the same -one day at a time.

~god bless~

starlight40

Congratulations Sleepie! On the really bad days, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that someday I too will be validated!
It's an amazing triumph for you!

sleepie

Some of us get handed a plate of s*** and that's just how it is. I imparted my occasional embarrassment at sharing the details of my stunted life to a woman about my age who has the ring, the guy and the baby on the way- some of which I will only ever dream of. She said she'd thought about that too- the way we have such completely different backgrounds, and how she thought she would not be able to come out of it as I have- she thinks I'm smart, cool and intelligent. Maybe she's blowing smoke up my a** but if she is it's working because I feel like an equal- not a lesser than around her. And for me, that's rare. When I worked at a high priced college, I had to deal with A LOT of sob stories from rich little brats who had self imposed problems- like the whiny girl who was (SOB, CRY CRY!) being sent to rehab in Italy for her drug problems... OMG if only we all had such travesties. And then I'd see the same kind of b***hes at a club sporting expensive tats and "punk clothing" from a boutique that ran in the hundreds of dollars, while I wore a thrift store tee. What I'm getting at is it's just PRICELESS for me to be treated as an equal by someone with the charmed life. And yeah, the grass is always greener and such, but I'm saying that for some- it's NOT the same, and I know it- and she acknowledges that and I feel f***ing great.

ZZworldontheweb

Frankly I think your smarts are superior to 80% of the people I run into every day, and your "cool" factor is in no doubt here "homegirl".

Glad to here your plan got a pass from the counselor.

sleepie

I am a bad a** woman- and that's just the way it played out. I'd like to be a pampered little fu** however that just ain't the way it played out for me- so I may as well kick a**- and if you can't handle it, keep your mouth shut and move on to something your tender little f***ing mind can handle. I am liking the idea of embracing myself - with disregard to others, as others are unconcerned about me save for those who need gossip and are lacking in personal endeavors. F*** them and more power to me

BobGT

What do you really think, lol? I like the "new" sleepie.

LifeBlows

Rawr!!! I've just heard Sleepie roar. Awesome that you've been validated!

sleepie

Today will be another test as my roommate does what he can to drive me insane.