Disgusting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Miami Beach, Florida
Posts: 52
i can relate to the feelings
dear sleepy,
i have read many but not all of the responses to your post. i personally can relate because i too have gained a lot of weight. i have never been this heavy either. the one thing that i related to the most, unfortunately, is the way you talk about yourself. i kept calling myself a fat pig...this is until a couple of days ago that i realized i had stopped doing that. i have been working on being kinder to myself with my sponsor. i realize that what is the most important thing right now is the fact that i am not using/drinking. the rest can be worked on. i have many serious things going on in my life, as you know, and i think that at this point in sobriety the feelings and reality of things are hard to feel. so, i am trying to deal with these things and feel them so that i wont have to stuff them with food or anything. it is a lot of work and it is a journey. i know that i didn't get clean & sober to hate myself and to be heavy or fat. so, i am doing the best i can to get back into shape by just eating healthier for starters...diet and exercise i guess are next. easy does it sneez...i love you and obviously so do tons of people here on sr...you will do what needs to be done...you're getting ready by posting.
i have read many but not all of the responses to your post. i personally can relate because i too have gained a lot of weight. i have never been this heavy either. the one thing that i related to the most, unfortunately, is the way you talk about yourself. i kept calling myself a fat pig...this is until a couple of days ago that i realized i had stopped doing that. i have been working on being kinder to myself with my sponsor. i realize that what is the most important thing right now is the fact that i am not using/drinking. the rest can be worked on. i have many serious things going on in my life, as you know, and i think that at this point in sobriety the feelings and reality of things are hard to feel. so, i am trying to deal with these things and feel them so that i wont have to stuff them with food or anything. it is a lot of work and it is a journey. i know that i didn't get clean & sober to hate myself and to be heavy or fat. so, i am doing the best i can to get back into shape by just eating healthier for starters...diet and exercise i guess are next. easy does it sneez...i love you and obviously so do tons of people here on sr...you will do what needs to be done...you're getting ready by posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 65
You can always lose the weight within a reasonable amount of time-give your body the nutrients it needs you are healing-South Beach may be good. We have no idea the damage alcohol does on our organs (Liver, of course) so be gentle and as healthy as possible-very low sugar (even "natural sugar" even, fruit, stay away from it.....Look into a Modified Atkins also you will lose weight pretty quickly and try to do some exercise very day even if it's just walking around your block 3 times at 1st....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 10
Well I have been doing really well at dieting (I'm mainly trying to lose pregnancy weight that I have maintained with alcohol) but I am having a hard time with the drinking. I need to lose about 50 lbs myself (I had gained 80 when I was pregnant and on bedrest). It can be really hard and I had that problem as a teen- mainly because I had started smoking pot and would get the munchies, then I developed bulimia so I would binge. I think I have completely overcame any urge to binge or overeat a few years ago. One thing I think helped (and I'm doing the same thing now for alcohol) is to identify what triggers it- to stop and say "Why do I want this?" and really take time to think about it. Often it's something as simple as boredom or stress that can be managed in other ways. Another thing was to just eat healthy- to view food as fuel rather than a hobby. Feel free to PM if you're ever having a hard time- maybe you can give me tips on overcoming the drinking haha- we can just trade advice 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I joined an eating disorder site- but it's really not right! Some there are overweight and want to reach a healthy goal weight- but a LOT of them are like 5 feet 7 inches and weigh 150 pounds and are trying to get down to 100 pounds or something. And there are the ones who are like 5 feet 5 inches tall- and post about being 105 and trying to get to 90 pounds. That's wrong. And nobody moderating says anything- it's like a free for all to obsess about your weight even if it's unhealthy! I'm not an idiot- I don't want to weight 90 pounds, but I do need help with this very real situation. It just seems like there's no good place to get support and help for this particular issue- it was years before there was even any recognition for binge eating or compulsive eating- everything was either anorexia or bulimia- nothing else was a problem. The same goes for the hair pulling disorder I suffer from- everybody telling me it's all in my head and that I just need to "stop it"- well it's not a choice, and it's REAL- and it has affected my entire life... it's CALLED trichotillomania, dumbf***s. I'm saying "dumbf***"in regard to my experience- not anyone here. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Sleepie, you are not "disgusting"! Nor is someone who smokes, drinks, or does anything else compulsively. WTG on not drinking.
One of my closest friends is very overweight, obese really. She lost about 80 lbs several years ago on an Atkins-type diet and has kept it off. She feels better and has more energy...when I first met her a walk around the block was a slow process and wore her out. Now she walks, and joined Curves and although she's still heavy, she's much less so.
But she is truly addicted to food, much the way I'm addicted to alcohol and nicotine. We've talked about it and it's made me realise how tough that is...with booze and nicotine, as we all know, we can't control or moderate - we have to cut the addictive substances out. you can't do that with food.
She drastically modified (modified Atkins, as someone else suggested) her diet so she can eat a lot, but trained herself to stay away from fried/sweet/processed food, except if she goes out to eat. She had help and support from her doctor in this - she is diabetic and has since had some life-threatening health consequences, which helps keep her on track now.
One of my closest friends is very overweight, obese really. She lost about 80 lbs several years ago on an Atkins-type diet and has kept it off. She feels better and has more energy...when I first met her a walk around the block was a slow process and wore her out. Now she walks, and joined Curves and although she's still heavy, she's much less so.
But she is truly addicted to food, much the way I'm addicted to alcohol and nicotine. We've talked about it and it's made me realise how tough that is...with booze and nicotine, as we all know, we can't control or moderate - we have to cut the addictive substances out. you can't do that with food.
She drastically modified (modified Atkins, as someone else suggested) her diet so she can eat a lot, but trained herself to stay away from fried/sweet/processed food, except if she goes out to eat. She had help and support from her doctor in this - she is diabetic and has since had some life-threatening health consequences, which helps keep her on track now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by sleepie 
I took a handful of laxatives but I really want to puke, and I ate so much today I think I can- usually I can't. If I keep eating this way I am just going to do the laxative thing, because I've read and heard it works.
^^ LOL, Yeah, it works - to make you go to the bathroom and eventually rely on them to go at all. Way to F*** up your digestive system. Any weight you lose is water/waste and will be immediately re-gained as soon as you eat/drink fluid. It isn`t FAT you are losing, so why bother??? Purging ruins your teeth and your stomach, and you won`t lose weight either, and even if you do - who wants to spend their life in the bathroom??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 196
sleepy: Im a reformed manorexic so i know how it feels to struggle with food. I would often binge on food when I felt i'd let my strict regime down, and the guilt after it is worse than any guilt from a drinking binge so I know how you're feeling. I can't offer a sure solution but if theres two things I really want you to hear/you already probably know. Firstly,if you can get help at all please try because it definately works. The second is, things like laxatives are only going to mess with your head more so and create even more unrelastic images of your own eating or weight so if you can stay away!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Sleepie, what happened to the voice of determination that would steamroll over anything that got in your way? That was only a week or two ago. I know spirits can go in cycles, and I have noticed that about me in my own way.
Another thing about me that I notice in you is that you are drawn to opportunities to bask in the negative. I know there are several reasons you will be able to point to for this. And when you do react with these reasons, you are laying down yet another row of bricks to give those excuses strength instead of yourself. Earlier in this thread you were practically endorsing eating disorder behaviour as though it were yoga or puppy and kitten therapy. That's not how to retaliate against the things that you are dealing with.
I've been unsuccessful in the past by talking to you in a more demonstrative tone (as opposed to a gentler assertive or interrogative one), so I don't know where to take it this time. But there's a constant engine inside you that aids and abets the forces that can only make things worse for you, and you do that when you don't keep your grip on owning it all, problems and successes combined. If you stay away from alcohol one day, you are focussed on your ticks or OCD or crummy neighbourhood or crappy friends the next. There's a relinquishing of self-government in all of those. If there is this much self-thwarting energy going on inside you all the time, then how can that help you with getting to the next best step, such as beating the competition in the interviews and continuing to improve overall? Are all these things invisible in your demeanour when people are making their hiring selection? Maybe so, maybe not.
Of course it's easier said than done, whether it's merely identifying the issues or going all out to preach. Many people (maybe all?) have their own version of what I am talking about, this ability to displace ownership of problems. They don't all create more problems for themselves in a cyclical way though.
If you think I am anointing myself an expert on how to proceed, you can eliminate that idea. I don't have a clue. I don't have to deal with hairpulling or variations of Tourette's or as much haunting of abuse or active addictions. I also haven't had my face literally rearranged by police in some despotic country for speaking my mind either. I can only speak from where I exist, and I relate to some of what you feel and want to point in the direction of solutions. What those are, again, I don't know. It would be nice to picture you getting out of this self-encasing chimney you're building around you with the kaleidoscope of complaints you have. You need to embrace yourself, not be disgusted with yourself. You need to self-actualize, do, and carry on; not stay under the covers and look for the next way to avoid life. Stop throwing yourself away and stop handing the whip to somebody or someTHING else.
Another thing about me that I notice in you is that you are drawn to opportunities to bask in the negative. I know there are several reasons you will be able to point to for this. And when you do react with these reasons, you are laying down yet another row of bricks to give those excuses strength instead of yourself. Earlier in this thread you were practically endorsing eating disorder behaviour as though it were yoga or puppy and kitten therapy. That's not how to retaliate against the things that you are dealing with.
I've been unsuccessful in the past by talking to you in a more demonstrative tone (as opposed to a gentler assertive or interrogative one), so I don't know where to take it this time. But there's a constant engine inside you that aids and abets the forces that can only make things worse for you, and you do that when you don't keep your grip on owning it all, problems and successes combined. If you stay away from alcohol one day, you are focussed on your ticks or OCD or crummy neighbourhood or crappy friends the next. There's a relinquishing of self-government in all of those. If there is this much self-thwarting energy going on inside you all the time, then how can that help you with getting to the next best step, such as beating the competition in the interviews and continuing to improve overall? Are all these things invisible in your demeanour when people are making their hiring selection? Maybe so, maybe not.
Of course it's easier said than done, whether it's merely identifying the issues or going all out to preach. Many people (maybe all?) have their own version of what I am talking about, this ability to displace ownership of problems. They don't all create more problems for themselves in a cyclical way though.
If you think I am anointing myself an expert on how to proceed, you can eliminate that idea. I don't have a clue. I don't have to deal with hairpulling or variations of Tourette's or as much haunting of abuse or active addictions. I also haven't had my face literally rearranged by police in some despotic country for speaking my mind either. I can only speak from where I exist, and I relate to some of what you feel and want to point in the direction of solutions. What those are, again, I don't know. It would be nice to picture you getting out of this self-encasing chimney you're building around you with the kaleidoscope of complaints you have. You need to embrace yourself, not be disgusted with yourself. You need to self-actualize, do, and carry on; not stay under the covers and look for the next way to avoid life. Stop throwing yourself away and stop handing the whip to somebody or someTHING else.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
i know what this is like. i've struggled for decades about my weight. being overweight, underweight, very muscular...it's not impossible to change in any direction but it is hard.
i'm a big guy. about 6'5". In high school, i was extremely muscular because i wrestled, played football and was in martial arts. i weighed about 240. i was in phenominal shape.
then my girlfriend died. i got to about 160 pounds. on a 6'5" frame, people thought i was starving. i was indeed very gaunt. i stayed there until i got back to MMA again and got back to a healthy 235.
then i met my wife... and then put on about 80 pounds. Not 80 pounds of muscle, but 80pounds of potato chips, ice cream and booze. At 315, i went from looking like Brok Lesnar to John Goodman when he was on Roseanne.
then when i turned 28, i got back to 220 pounds of lean muscle. i was in awsome shape. i still drank like a fish, but i ran all of the time and still did alot of MMA.
when i turned 30, i broke my back and that ended the MMA career. i stayed around 230 or so until about 2007 when i started dying from alcoholism and my kid was diagnosed with a fatal lung condition. i ballooned to 315 again where i stayed until i got sober. my daughter survived and is now healthy.
now, at 15 months sober, i'm at 280...probably 60 pounds heavier than i should be at my age....which is 38. heart disease runs in my family. i know i have to turn it around. more than that, i know how to do it....it's just hard, Sleepie.
but like sobriety, i firmly believe the only way out of a problem like this is to go at it like an MMA fight.
Robert Frost once said... "the only way out is though"
to me, that means the only way to beat the obsession of eating to feel better is to embrace it and then over come it.
i know why i eat. i have anxiety issues. so what. that dosen't give me license to do this to myself even when s#it happens. someone once said when you know better, you have to do better. An when I don't do better and know I could have, then that's the shame that makes me hate myself and that's what i have to overcome. that's the disease of addiction. i don't think it make it any harder than another, just a different set of issues to overcome.
i'm losing weight now. i'll get back to 220 again soon but i have to be careful of how i do it because of my back. i have an arm cycle i use that i try to do 15,000 reps a day on the hardest setting. it's one of the ways i'd improve my handspeed when i was boxing back in the day. i know i have to keep doing this because the alternative is far scarier than i want to imagine.
for me, pain has always been the greatest motivator in my life. i wished it wasn't like that, but it always has been that way.
an it's hard..and sometimes it makes me really angry that my life seems to be overcoming one addiction after another, but...whatever. i'm in it to win. what else can i do? like i said. doing this is less scary than giving in to the addiction. that's just my experience.
i'm a big guy. about 6'5". In high school, i was extremely muscular because i wrestled, played football and was in martial arts. i weighed about 240. i was in phenominal shape.
then my girlfriend died. i got to about 160 pounds. on a 6'5" frame, people thought i was starving. i was indeed very gaunt. i stayed there until i got back to MMA again and got back to a healthy 235.
then i met my wife... and then put on about 80 pounds. Not 80 pounds of muscle, but 80pounds of potato chips, ice cream and booze. At 315, i went from looking like Brok Lesnar to John Goodman when he was on Roseanne.
then when i turned 28, i got back to 220 pounds of lean muscle. i was in awsome shape. i still drank like a fish, but i ran all of the time and still did alot of MMA.
when i turned 30, i broke my back and that ended the MMA career. i stayed around 230 or so until about 2007 when i started dying from alcoholism and my kid was diagnosed with a fatal lung condition. i ballooned to 315 again where i stayed until i got sober. my daughter survived and is now healthy.
now, at 15 months sober, i'm at 280...probably 60 pounds heavier than i should be at my age....which is 38. heart disease runs in my family. i know i have to turn it around. more than that, i know how to do it....it's just hard, Sleepie.
but like sobriety, i firmly believe the only way out of a problem like this is to go at it like an MMA fight.
Robert Frost once said... "the only way out is though"
to me, that means the only way to beat the obsession of eating to feel better is to embrace it and then over come it.
i know why i eat. i have anxiety issues. so what. that dosen't give me license to do this to myself even when s#it happens. someone once said when you know better, you have to do better. An when I don't do better and know I could have, then that's the shame that makes me hate myself and that's what i have to overcome. that's the disease of addiction. i don't think it make it any harder than another, just a different set of issues to overcome.
i'm losing weight now. i'll get back to 220 again soon but i have to be careful of how i do it because of my back. i have an arm cycle i use that i try to do 15,000 reps a day on the hardest setting. it's one of the ways i'd improve my handspeed when i was boxing back in the day. i know i have to keep doing this because the alternative is far scarier than i want to imagine.
for me, pain has always been the greatest motivator in my life. i wished it wasn't like that, but it always has been that way.
an it's hard..and sometimes it makes me really angry that my life seems to be overcoming one addiction after another, but...whatever. i'm in it to win. what else can i do? like i said. doing this is less scary than giving in to the addiction. that's just my experience.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hey sleepie,im sorry to hear you are going through this.my sister has the same problem.
i am an alcoholic and use AA.my sister and i have talked alot about my alcoholism and her eating and she understands what AA teaches is part of alcoholism because she says her relationship with food is the same...a mental obsession.she has tried diet after diet,exercising or not,laxatives you name it.she absolutely got fed up with people telling her that healthy diet and exercise were the way...like doh....anyway...she looked at the offical Overeaters Anonymous website and found alot of help there.people who understand what she is talking about when she talks about being obsessed and not being able to stop herself.she has now got herself a sponsor who actually gave her an eatinf plan and is going to take her through the programme.believ you me i never thought i would see the day but i am delighted for her.again im sorry sleepy,this is another insiduous illness.
i am an alcoholic and use AA.my sister and i have talked alot about my alcoholism and her eating and she understands what AA teaches is part of alcoholism because she says her relationship with food is the same...a mental obsession.she has tried diet after diet,exercising or not,laxatives you name it.she absolutely got fed up with people telling her that healthy diet and exercise were the way...like doh....anyway...she looked at the offical Overeaters Anonymous website and found alot of help there.people who understand what she is talking about when she talks about being obsessed and not being able to stop herself.she has now got herself a sponsor who actually gave her an eatinf plan and is going to take her through the programme.believ you me i never thought i would see the day but i am delighted for her.again im sorry sleepy,this is another insiduous illness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks reading everyone, I spoke with the therapist today and she approves of the diet I am starting, so I feel pretty good. I think I can do this. After speaking with her today, I feel ready for things- I posted about it
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Overeaters Anonymous
Overeaters Anonymous - Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous
Is OA for You?
Overeaters Anonymous - Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous
Food addiction is as real as any other addiction.
The 12 steps work.
Warm hugs and best wishes,
SIU
Overeaters Anonymous - Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous
Is OA for You?
Overeaters Anonymous - Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous
Food addiction is as real as any other addiction.
The 12 steps work.
Warm hugs and best wishes,
SIU
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
^^ LOL, Yeah, it works - to make you go to the bathroom and eventually rely on them to go at all. Way to F*** up your digestive system.
This is a very real and life impacting problem for me- I don't appreciate harsh words like "F***up" directed at me.
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
I get it sleepie. Nnormal people would never eat 20 chicken McNuggets but I would... and 20 more AND THATS WITHOUT BOOZING!
I accept it like my other addictions and invoked my exercise addiction to counteract my addiction to food. Thats the happy median for me. I work out so I can eat. I do the math on how many calories need to be burned so I can indulge. Its really not a burden if you look at it as a work:reward ratio... For me I want my food reward so thereby I workout. And I dont feel guilty about it because I worked for it. In the end it keeps my food addiction in check.
You are totally right that you can not stop eating. I still pig out too but I balance that off with exercise and feel really good after. I think you are off to a great start with the walking and it blossoms into a beautiful thing just like sobriety!!
I accept it like my other addictions and invoked my exercise addiction to counteract my addiction to food. Thats the happy median for me. I work out so I can eat. I do the math on how many calories need to be burned so I can indulge. Its really not a burden if you look at it as a work:reward ratio... For me I want my food reward so thereby I workout. And I dont feel guilty about it because I worked for it. In the end it keeps my food addiction in check.
You are totally right that you can not stop eating. I still pig out too but I balance that off with exercise and feel really good after. I think you are off to a great start with the walking and it blossoms into a beautiful thing just like sobriety!!
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
You're right about the reality of this problem sleepie. Obviously it's affecting you and making you unhappy. I
I've always been a bit of an emotional, compulsive eater too- and I still am at times; in fact even as a kid, before I discovered the cigs and the booze, I used food as comfort. I was always a bit on the chubby side, and for the first year of recovery I gained some more weight, actually I was the heaviest ever.
It's only i the past half year that I lost the weight. I still overeat at times, and binge on unhealthy stuff, but my overall liferstyle has become a lot more healthy; both physically and mentally (exercise, initially stared to keep depression in check; probably also better coping skills, therapy, better overall nutrition).
I also like myself a lot better now, and I would even if I hadn't lost the weight. Most of the time I think that I deserve to treat myself and my body better than that.
You will get there, Sleepie. You are making some progress, even if there are some crappy days. I'm sorry that you feel that uncomfortable in your own skin. Sorry that you percieve yourself as disgusting at times. I'm sure there are things about you that are likable and worthy, even if you have some excess weight, and even if you have some mental health issues, and even if you are struggling to get an adequate job. You are not a loser, not disgusting and not a hopeless case, just a woman who has been dealt a whole bag of bad stuff by life and who really tries to get better and improve her situation.
I can't say that I have any real advice how to make change how you feel about yourself and what you can do to see the positive things about you. I haven't any recipe. All I can give is my sympathy, and the experience that I really can improve a lot. You can do this Sleepie. All the best,
Lionne
I've always been a bit of an emotional, compulsive eater too- and I still am at times; in fact even as a kid, before I discovered the cigs and the booze, I used food as comfort. I was always a bit on the chubby side, and for the first year of recovery I gained some more weight, actually I was the heaviest ever.
It's only i the past half year that I lost the weight. I still overeat at times, and binge on unhealthy stuff, but my overall liferstyle has become a lot more healthy; both physically and mentally (exercise, initially stared to keep depression in check; probably also better coping skills, therapy, better overall nutrition).
I also like myself a lot better now, and I would even if I hadn't lost the weight. Most of the time I think that I deserve to treat myself and my body better than that.
You will get there, Sleepie. You are making some progress, even if there are some crappy days. I'm sorry that you feel that uncomfortable in your own skin. Sorry that you percieve yourself as disgusting at times. I'm sure there are things about you that are likable and worthy, even if you have some excess weight, and even if you have some mental health issues, and even if you are struggling to get an adequate job. You are not a loser, not disgusting and not a hopeless case, just a woman who has been dealt a whole bag of bad stuff by life and who really tries to get better and improve her situation.
I can't say that I have any real advice how to make change how you feel about yourself and what you can do to see the positive things about you. I haven't any recipe. All I can give is my sympathy, and the experience that I really can improve a lot. You can do this Sleepie. All the best,
Lionne
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