UniqueNewYork

I have some questions and before I begin let me say this. I'm ok with this moving to a different section such as off topic.. but I feel its ok to post this here because.. you people are probably some of the only ones who understand me, or know what its like to go through some of the things I have been through. You're some of the only people who will call me on my BS with certain things. I'm going to ask some hard questions.

Ok first. I'm almost 30, not married, dating a girl about 6 months now. This girl is the sweetest girl in the world, truly nice, nice aura, good person. I just find that I don't think about her that much. She is not bad looking at all. I just, I dunno I don't think about her. Whether its the physical.. or hanging out stuff.. whatever. Sometimes I think its me. I mean, I have dated all types. Deep down inside, nothing is ever good enough for me. I mean, unless I pray and touch base with my HP and accept things, its not good enough. This girl wants to have my kids and build a life together. I find myself wondering about the other side of the fence. I guess in a nutshell, I don't consider our relationship exciting anymore. But then I have to ask myself, what relationship is exciting over a long enough period of time? But before I point that out, let me tack on an extra bit, exciting and stable. I know plenty of people (and have been one of those people) in exciting relationships.. they typically don't last. They burn out. So I'm stuck. I'm wondering if maybe this is ok. I've got my food shelter water so to speak. Or maybe this isn't a good idea. Maybe if I feel this way now then years will feel like milennia. I just wanted to hear some of your experiences. Hoping this doesn't open a can..

flutter

did you seriously just ask a bunch of drunks for love advice? Lol....jk.

I don't think every exciting relationship fizzles out. It sounds like you're trying to talk yourelf into settling for something.

6 months is a while to know one way or another about being with someone..what does your gut say?

simplyfab

I agree..sounds like you're looking to settle for a relationship you're not 100% invested in.
My opinion...don't settle!
It's not fair to you and it's definitely not fair to her.

I've been w/ my guy for 7 yrs and when I wasn't in my alcoholic stooper and we were getting along, its the best feeling. Our "fizz" hasn't gone away, its just simply transformed into something deeper. I can't imagine my life w/out him and I'm sure he feels the same way if he didn't leave me for my alcoholism.

If she's already telling you what she wants out of the relationship (kids, marriage) and you don't even think about her like that, you need to be honest w/ yourself and w/ her.

You've been w/ her for a while...and if you don't even find yourself thinking about her, I'm thinking there's something missing. 6 months is plenty time to figure out if your interested to know where the relationship goes.
But it sounds a little like you're just w/ her to have somebody there. Regardless of physical, emotional and mental attraction.

Why are you w/ her? What about her makes you stay w/ her?
If you don't have the same wants out of the relationship, you're gonna end up hurting her more than you intend.
Be honest w/ yourself, then you can be honest to her.

Good luck...

sailorjohn

Me, I don't do the relationship thing very well, but I think you've answered a lot of your own questions in the post.

And if you haven't, consider those statements that I boldfaced.

blackhorse

Imo It's ok to question marriage etc at 6 months into a relationship if it's the right one! If it's love and meant to be it doesn't need to be all fireworks etc, it is a feeling of knowing, comfort, happiness, togetherness, genuine compassion and closeness plus a very strong desire to want to share your life with that person.

Us alcoholics have a tendency to be all or nothing, can be overly sensitive and being in a 12 step program we try our best to do the right thing. I would say just relax, let things flow, don't make any massive commitments, any fears you have surrounding the relationship clear it with your sponser, ask for divine guidance to show you your path and what is right for you. You will intuitively know what is right for you.

ste

I agree with all of the above. Give it time, and listen to your HP. I didn't marry until my mid thirties, and for the wrong reasons; it didn't last. My marriage now is a wonderful growing (together) experience, like we were "meant to be". I wouldn't call it exciting, just wonderful!

CarolD

Well...
I've noticed that people who finishe their formal Step work first
seem to have a smoother time in dealing with any relationship

LaFemme

Hi! You are in NYC...right? Almost no one there is married at 30...especially guys.

If she is talking kids and marriage and you aren't even in the honeymoon phase anymore and its still only 6 months then I think it might be kindest to her to let her know so she can find someone who does find her exciting and is crazy about her. As a girl I would not want to be with someone who spoke about me the way you did here.

Then, if you think this is a rea ongoongl relationship problem maybe consider some counseling ...just a suggestion

Zebra1275

Let's see, This girl is the sweetest girl in the world, truly nice, nice aura, good person.

She is not bad looking at all. and nothing is ever good enough for me - Translation: She's probably kinda cute


Here's an idea. Instead of looking for relationship advice from a bunch of drunks on-line, let her read your post and she what she thinks.

I bet she might solve your dilema for you.

Toronto68

Unique, I haven't clicked through your posts or profile to get an indication of how long you have been off alcohol. If I go by your start date with SR, then it is a little more than 6 months. I am not a major stickler about this and I am defniitely not anti-Cupid, but I tend to agree with the guideline about staying away from relationships for a good year - possibly staying away from "just the physical stuff" too. Most people need to figure out who they are and to adapt to their own patience level and many other things that add up to a personality or temperament, let alone the ability to commit to another person. And if they are not married or attached to somebody at the time they quit, then it's good timing to work on recovery issues.

If you are having this feeling that this woman is not earth-moving (or doesn't rock your world, if you prefer), then you are probably right to question where it's headed. But that doesn't necessarily mean to dump the whole thing, maybe you just need to slow down. It sounds like she is on a different wavelength and could be hinting at ring purchases soon?

AmericanGirl

Hi Unique. It sounds like you're feeling tepid and she isn't. Imho, six months is pretty early to make decisions about getting hitched up longterm -- do you think she's feeling out the situation with you, or just telling you about what she wants? If you want different things, I hope you'll communicate honestly about that with each other and part ways if what you want is very different. (If you were head over heels, maybe it would feel okay to compromise, but I don't think that sounds like the case for you.)

You bring up some good points, as do others. I do think it's good advice for all of us to focus on recovery before messing with our love lives. I also do think sometimes people can take relationships for granted and feel there's something better on the other side of the fence when really they are just restless & looking for an emotional/lusty hit. So, it sounds like you appreciate this woman but don't feel head over heels about it. I don't think that's the same thing as settling nor do I think that every romantic relationship needs to be like something out of a Hollywood film. But, I do think if she wants different things it's only fair for you to be open about not being in the same place.