vanstephens

Hey- so this will be day 2 for me, yesterday I was unable to get on my computer was able to read some posts from my phone and it was a big help. I am soo happy that I didn't awake with a hangover...even though I didn't get much sleep last night. I am not having any physical withdraws put mental a little.

I kept lying in bed last night trying to figure out when was it that I crossed the line, when was it that it went from drinking with friends to me drinking by myself and then hiding the bottles from myself and my family. Trying to remember when blackouts became the norm from me and when was it that people stopped wanting to hang around me when I was drinking. I wonder how did this all happen?

I had got sober a few times in my life and forgot about all the pain that I had been in and started to drink again thinking that I could handle it this time and of course I couldn't. I started off right where I had left off only drinking more. I had graduated from beer to brandy saying to myself that it was cheaper and faster to get a buzz. I had went from a half a pint to a pint in a matter of days and 2 pints in a matter of weeks, never remembering what I had done or called or anything.

I am doing this one day at a time like I did b4 but this time I will share more and allow myself to feel, not just go through the steps but work the steps. I am on step 1. I am powerless over this and I surrender. I give up. I am tired of getting in the ring and getting my but kicked time and time again. I want ME back.

wanted to share thanx

LexieCat

Congrats on Day 2.

Don't hurt your head too much trying to find where you crossed the line. It isn't a bright line, and the disease evolves at a different pace for everyone. Finding out "when" it happened can be a mask for trying to turn back the clock--to see if you can handle drinking if only you can figure out when/where it went wrong.

Just concentrate on your recovery--eventually you may see where things changed, but it really won't make any difference.

Fandy

i used to do the 1 or 2 glasses of wine in the evening or on a weekend, and it snaked it's way to 8-10-12 glasses a night, barely sober enough to get to work, and if i didn't get to work, i just continued to drink...i once realized i had not come out of my house for 5 days, i was shutting down.

i never want to be in that place again.

CarolD

Van....
please try to relax..and call your doctor if you run into any
scarey withdrawal symptoms.
I understand you have de toxed before...but it's still risky
to do this on your own.

I never knew which drink on what day slid me into alcoholism.
When I did a Step 1 timeline...I was lucky to remember the year.
I ended up doing mine in 5 year bblocks......
That was not a barrier for me and I daily apply them.

vanstephens

Thank you for your concern. I am not going through any physical withdrawal than God, I was able to cut down for 2 weeks little by little before I had my last one on thursday, I have been down this road b4 and i hate the feeling. I am lucky this time as i don't feel any stomach pain or shakes. I am able to eat and drink water as well.

The reason I was asking myself when I crossed the line was because I just recently found out that my biological mother was an alcoholic and died from that at the age of 44 and that my biological father died of drug addiction b4 I was born. I was just wondering was it always there and if i had known would I have partied as much as I did? I know I can't change the past or turn the clock back as I can only make my future better and more healthy.

I plan on posting here and reading a lot as I have been doing. I know what it feels like to live sober I want that back. I am tired of all the lies and being sneaky and waking up sick...drinking not cause I want to but because I feel as though I have to to just get through my day. I have been there and I will be there again. I am more determined than I was ever b4. I have some medical stuff with me that if I don't stop I will die..bottom line. The big thing is I also have a wife now, that loves me but will not stay and watch me kill myself either. I got a secound chance and I plan on making the best of it.

Dee74

Hi Van

I literally spent years wondering where my alcoholism came from, why it affected me and not my sister, the many things I might have done different...

There are no definite answers, man. And even if we knew I don't know it would help much or change anything.

I am what I am. and I did what I did....and here I am

You have something happening right now that needs all your energy - focus on your recovery, Van

Congrats on day 2.
D

vanstephens

Thank you all for reading and responding to my posts,it means that I am not alone. I am going to have a easy night tonight...dinner at home with my wife some tv and bedtime...looking forward to 2morrow as it will be day 3!

Fandy

i appreciate sober weekends these days too. much less stressful.