LotusBlossom

I posted this up on a small ***** board that I am on for recovering alcoholics yesterday and wanted to post this here with some thoughts for the day and what I am experiencing.

I AM D-O-N-E.
Well, how many times have we said this to ourselves? I went to the DR's, I tried pills, I went to AA, I've read (and tried to follow) the Big Book, I have found other recovered alcoholics outside AA, I have locked myself in my home for a week at a time with only food and water only to turn right back around and open that can of beer (and the 9 that
follow).
This past Monday morning, I decided I am just done with it all. I am done trying to seek help. I have surrendered. BUT I have also surrendered alcohol simultaneously. No help, no medicine, no comfort, no alcohol can make me feel any better about myself.

The days are gone where I walk into a store seeking relief from a can. I did not find any solace in it. The days are gone where I walk into a pharmacy expecting that magic pill. I did not find anything but my wallet lighter and a whole host of other problems that went with them. Gone are the days where I hear that (what was then) a glorious "Pop-shewwwwwww" sound and bubbling after of that ice cold brew, for it only left me feeling more miserable than when I started.

I do not know what the exact turning point was for me, other than I woke up and was like this doesn't do it anymore. What was once the ultimate rush, the absolute aphrodisiac (come on - at the time what is better than drunk sex?), the ideal numb-er, the perfect spouse (one that seems to support and doesn't say a word back), the terrific tranquilizer and so much more...well it lost it.

I hope this feeling can carry me through the cravings that I know will come.
What got many of us started drinking soon turned into, "Well I will keep
drinking because there's nothing else there." I am to the point where "Why
should I keep drinking because there is nothing else there?"

I feel utterly hopeless and hope that as my brain reworks its many pathways,
this hopelessness will turn around but for the time being, I shall embrace the
hopelessness because it has kept me 3 days sober now, which is more than
anything else has over the last 10 years.




Now on day 4, as I said in the beginning of my post. Just had my first panic attack that wasn't related to drinking. But I can definitely tell I am on edge, more-so than normal. Still shaking from it but I have stopped crying and am breathing normal. Last night was the first night I had cravings but as long as I can make it home past the numerous gas stations to my apartment I am fine. I have had intense night sweats starting from day 2 but, fortunately that's the worst so far.

Thank you for reading.

hopeless2day

Lotus: you're right, what is drinking going to do? It just keeps prolonging your soberity, or death.

Good luck

hopeless2day

I might add you will need some support, moreso than this group can offer.

That has been my experience. I have tried to let past drunks and willpower guide me through it, but in the end, I crack. There has to be something more than yourself to help you through. I hope you find it.

CarolD

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