My story and starting over
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 6
My story and starting over
My story...
I was here awhile back, although I didn't participate much. I forgot my username, changed my email address so here I am starting over with post #1.
I am 43, mother to a beautiful 4 year old girl.
I am an alcoholic. A real one.
I got sober after more than 15 years of drinking, benzo and painkiller abuse on May 15, 2009.
I went to 3 months outpatient recovery, embraced AA, did 90 meetings in 90 days, took the first 3 steps, got a sponsor.
I fell out with 2 of the ladies I went to recovery with and stopped going to meetings. I didn't want to run into them. (Small town!)
I stopped speaking to my sponsor after a bit, too. She had had a recent life trauma and I really should have found someone else as I spent more time comforting her than we did working on my sobriety. A few times she sounded slurry on the phone and since I didn't want to go to meetings anymore, I ditched her too.
I did stay sober for quite awhile, and I felt pretty confident about it (oh, this disease and it's tricky ways!)
15 days before my 18 month sobriety birthday I went on a business trip to Las Vegas. I had recently lost 30 lbs, bought some new clothes and I was ready to party. I think I knew long before this trip I was going to drink.
I drank on my first night there. Drank a little bit on my 2nd night there. Got hammered on my 3rd night and did as shameful a thing as I had ever done in all my years drinking. That's how long it took. 3 nights.
I came back from LV and continued to drink for 6 weeks? 7 weeks?
Anyway, starting over....yesterday. Day one all over again. Sigh.
I've been reading my materials from recovery, back into the Big Book, reading the meditations and scanning the posts here. God, I don't want another day one.
My biggest problem is going back to meetings. I'm ok with AA, I got it. Well, did I? I am terrified at the idea of seeing those ladies I fell out with. My life hangs in the balance and that's why I won't go back to meetings and start over with a sponsor. Ugh. Always want the easy way out, don't we??
Anyway, I'm here and today I'm sober.
Nice to meet you.
I was here awhile back, although I didn't participate much. I forgot my username, changed my email address so here I am starting over with post #1.
I am 43, mother to a beautiful 4 year old girl.
I am an alcoholic. A real one.
I got sober after more than 15 years of drinking, benzo and painkiller abuse on May 15, 2009.
I went to 3 months outpatient recovery, embraced AA, did 90 meetings in 90 days, took the first 3 steps, got a sponsor.
I fell out with 2 of the ladies I went to recovery with and stopped going to meetings. I didn't want to run into them. (Small town!)
I stopped speaking to my sponsor after a bit, too. She had had a recent life trauma and I really should have found someone else as I spent more time comforting her than we did working on my sobriety. A few times she sounded slurry on the phone and since I didn't want to go to meetings anymore, I ditched her too.
I did stay sober for quite awhile, and I felt pretty confident about it (oh, this disease and it's tricky ways!)
15 days before my 18 month sobriety birthday I went on a business trip to Las Vegas. I had recently lost 30 lbs, bought some new clothes and I was ready to party. I think I knew long before this trip I was going to drink.
I drank on my first night there. Drank a little bit on my 2nd night there. Got hammered on my 3rd night and did as shameful a thing as I had ever done in all my years drinking. That's how long it took. 3 nights.
I came back from LV and continued to drink for 6 weeks? 7 weeks?
Anyway, starting over....yesterday. Day one all over again. Sigh.
I've been reading my materials from recovery, back into the Big Book, reading the meditations and scanning the posts here. God, I don't want another day one.
My biggest problem is going back to meetings. I'm ok with AA, I got it. Well, did I? I am terrified at the idea of seeing those ladies I fell out with. My life hangs in the balance and that's why I won't go back to meetings and start over with a sponsor. Ugh. Always want the easy way out, don't we??
Anyway, I'm here and today I'm sober.
Nice to meet you.
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
heeeeey chickee! Welcome!
I can relate quite a bit to your story, the times that I relapsed for me were a direct result of me stopping any work in the program whatsoever. When I came back this time I came back with a mission... A mission to prove to myself that I can do this and that I can commit to simple guidelines. Although this time I do not have much sober time I do however consider myself recovered with plenty of room to improve.. IMO there is always for improvement.
My suggestion, get your butt back in AA, find a new sponsor, and commit yourself like I did, work them steps.. ALL of them and proceed to carry the message on to newcomers.
Again, welcome and I'm glad your here.
I can relate quite a bit to your story, the times that I relapsed for me were a direct result of me stopping any work in the program whatsoever. When I came back this time I came back with a mission... A mission to prove to myself that I can do this and that I can commit to simple guidelines. Although this time I do not have much sober time I do however consider myself recovered with plenty of room to improve.. IMO there is always for improvement.
My suggestion, get your butt back in AA, find a new sponsor, and commit yourself like I did, work them steps.. ALL of them and proceed to carry the message on to newcomers.
Again, welcome and I'm glad your here.
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
Just something to add quick, when I fell out this last time, I ended up at a meeting drunk out of my mind, the embarrasment and guilt I had felt was insane... I didn't want to go to a meeting after that for the fear of judgement and humiliation, and I didn't for months, but when I did come back, everyone was there with loving open arms, willing to put up with me again. 
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back to SR....
Look in your BB....page 552 for specific directions on
how to deal with resentments...then take action.
Don't let past grudges block your progress.
The chapter title is..."Freedom From Bondage"....
All my bes
Look in your BB....page 552 for specific directions on
how to deal with resentments...then take action.
Don't let past grudges block your progress.
The chapter title is..."Freedom From Bondage"....
All my bes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 268
Hi and welcome back. I live in a small town too and had a falling out with 3 women in the program. One was my sponsor who shared my 4th step with my boyfriend, and 2 were women I have known for 7 years and they each called me "friend" yet they both got with my boyfriend.....I don't choose well in the man area - nor in the "friend" area either I guess. Needless to say I got rid of the man.
I used over that whole mess after having 14 months sober. I was "out there" trying to get back for 15 months and finally did 92 days ago.
I went to an open house for a new AA club in town and of course ran into all 3 of the women. Since I DO NOT want to ever have to make amends to those people, I was cordial. When our paths crossed, I smiled and said hello, but I didn't let a conversation take place.
Just go to the meetings, hold your head up high and don't say anything that you will have to apologize for later.
Maybe it's a small-town thing, but I don't get close to the women in AA now. I don't trust them. I am actually closer to the men.
I used over that whole mess after having 14 months sober. I was "out there" trying to get back for 15 months and finally did 92 days ago.
I went to an open house for a new AA club in town and of course ran into all 3 of the women. Since I DO NOT want to ever have to make amends to those people, I was cordial. When our paths crossed, I smiled and said hello, but I didn't let a conversation take place.
Just go to the meetings, hold your head up high and don't say anything that you will have to apologize for later.
Maybe it's a small-town thing, but I don't get close to the women in AA now. I don't trust them. I am actually closer to the men.
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