lkc2010

I just can't pull my head out of my ass. I've made such a fool out of myself again (again) and at my holiday party.

I get sober and then I binge. Binge binge. Black out binge. I have a whole lot of stress that I need to learn how to deal with. I drink to make my head better but its never 'better'.

I've isolated all weekend. Saw a friend for lunch and then came home and I've stayed in bed for the weekend. Mostly bc I was super sick, hung over and ashamed. I can only imagine what people think about me. My behavior is outlandish.

I need to clean up my act.

My friends are gonna stop talking to me soon. I'm getting divorced and after the holiday party I'd be surprised if I had a job to go back to.

I'm a much better person sober and I hate how I've become. It is so hard to get and stay sober for me. Dumping alcohol into the gaping hole of my life isn't helping and won't help. I know this however I haven't stopped.

Its nice to know you guys are here. Thanks for letting me share.

Beard82

Sounds like my current situation. It just feels hopeless at the moment.
I hope you can stop for good and get yourself back together.

Antiderivative

Moral of the story: Stop pouring alcohol down your throat and get some help.

If you don't put down your shovel now, then you are only going to dig a deeper hole for yourself. I know the feeling of burning bridges, people, relationships, and jobs. I know about rebuilding. It sucks. I can relate to the hopelessness that you are feeling, but you can still have a good life. It will take a lot of work and some time, but it is very possible. However, if you keep pouring booze down your throat and don't get help, it will just spiral downward even further.

Get help. Get sober. It is worth it. You are worth it.

endlesspatience

Ah, it's a viscious circle, isn't it? You're drinking to deal with the shame caused by drinking! And you're isolating. I think I would deal with that second issue as a priority. Even if you're hungover and lonely, it's better to get yourself out to a coffee shop or restaurant than to hide at home obsessing over your problems. What is the next step in your plan for recovery?

reggiewayne

Hello. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I've been there. All I can say that worked for me was to get into recovery. When I was drinking I always wanted a fast solution that would rid me of my alcoholism. I wanted something that would erase my past and change me overnight. I never found that.

The more you can distance yourself from your last drink, the more change will be able to take place. I have an exteemley shameful event that I spent two years drinking over. I wouldn't talk about it, didn't want to think about it, and basically it was rotting me from the inside out. Once I got into AA and recovery, I have no problem discussing this at meetings, I no longer run from people that I knew at the time, and basically feel "healed" from this event.

Here are the promises of AA. I can honestly say that in some of these cases they have already come true for me and it's only been 3 weeks.

--------------------

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Quote-from the book...Alcoholics Anonymous
Pages 83-84- First Edition

----------------

This is what I wanted. I didn't realize it at the time of quitting and I certainly didn't think they would happen for me, but giving myself to the simple program really is working.

I wish you the best. Just remember your past does not define you. You can move forward. I know it seems tough especially since you have to face these people at work. All I know if once you start healing from the inside out, these problem will actually work themselves out for you!

CarolD

For me to finally quit...I had to want to do so
more than I wanted to drink....

hope you reach that point soon.
Find some type of recovery and committ to sobriety
AA works great for me...

Check this out please


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

BullDog777

it's amazing how much love we're willing to give up to keep poisioning our mind and bodies, isn't it?

i hope you get better soon.

it took months for my friends to come back around.

Zebra1275

AA has helped me deal with the shame and isolation that my drinking often caused. Give it a try.

SSIL75

What do you tell yourself before you drink? That this time you'll be able to control it? That you deserve one more **** up?

Opivotal

Hi Ikc, I know the merry-go-round well. The only way to get yourself out, is to look in the mirror and face yourself. It's not easy but can stop this ride your on. The only way it's gonna work is if you want to stop bad enough. Nothing will change until you make it happen. I wish you the best!

Paulos

It really is horrible, as op said I know the merry-go-round well, I get hangovers of like being mentally clouded and dizzy. I've been an alcoholic for 5 years now ..... five.... years. Where did the time go ... pathetic, but self pity is not going to help me or anyone. I've been on this site a while as quite a few people know, but all I'm saying is ... is ... I can relate nearly ENTIRELY. You are not alone, okay?

SSIL75

quoting myself b/c it's too late to edit. I think my post came across as snarky but I didn't mean it to be. Just for me figuring out what lie I told myself before I gave myself permission to drink was powerful! I would tell myself that I could start 'for real' on monday. That it was a bad time to quit. That life without alcohol would be awful and I had to learn to moderate because quitting would be terrible.

So just learning to isolate that 'alcoholic voice' and understand that it was just a craving was an essential tool for me. Maybe it will help you, too.

lkc2010

Hey SSIL75 - You weren't snarky. It's the truth and frankly sometimes less words are more. 'What's my next **** up?' is a great question to keep in my head. Bc really, I feel like a massive **** up.

What do I tell myself before I drink? 'Whatever or why not'. Its that simple. And yes I always think I can control it. But once I start I feel Mr. Hyde come out.

I made another (yes another) promise to myself and a friend of mine today that I'd get off the bullet train headed toward the wall. She told me I was a train wreck. Did I mention my boss told me I needed AA. Uh, wow. Embarrassing.

Ok so then I need to listen. It truly is a vicious circle, I admit. I need to start liking myself again.

The 'fast solution' is what I continually hope for - my personality is impatient. Its progress before perfection -- I get it. But ya, I'm right there hoping to make it fast and painless. Not the case. It's taken me a long time to get here. Not the easiest to make right in a day, week, month. I get it.

So here it is people. Again. I'm sober today. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I appreciate you guys. Thanks tons for your comments, well wishes and kicks in the pants.

Sasha4

I think that everyone has a 'christmas office party nightmare' they could tell.

I know I have a few. God, some really embaressing stories.

I think at the moment all you need to do is look after yourself.

If the advice s to go to AA - just thanks, I will take your advice on board.

In time people will forget.

But go to AA - you might (in fact I can say you deffo will) meet a great bunch of people who totally understand you.

Could you do 90 meetings in 90 days?
I think it would help.

Chin up. Forget about the gossip, it will go away.

xx

least

I too promised myself I'd quit... over and over... but I never gave up on myself entirely. I kept coming back trying again and now have a year sober!! If I can do it, so can you.

MsCooterBrown

It is insane..same cr@p over and over. I knew I was in trouble when on the weekends I would drink shortly after I got up. Even lied to myself then..thought to myself 1 drink will help me feel better. It is a big thing here to have brandy in your coffee. We would meet in the morning..sit on the porch and suck em down..BUT WAIT! It is already noon..let's head to the bar! on and on. Feel like [email protected] cycle sucked me down. Oh and if everyone didn't get together..I had no problem drinking by myself. It is SO MUCH BETTER on the sober side.