BigTex3

I posted previously about being irritable, and this isn't what I want to question.

I met w/ my counselor yesterday.

When I met w/ him the first few times and was very open about my booze (about 6 months ago), I explained that I have some challenges around me (crazy ex, stressful job, etc...) and I told him I'm drinking like a fish.

he told me I don't have a drinking problem, I have a cyclical problem of being incapable of coping. I ignored this and have carried on.

Fast forward several months and dozens of visits.

I'm on day 5 today. We met yesterday and what I've come to learn is that I have a LOT of anger toward my parents. Ignore my ex or job...I've come to find that it's deeper and I'm beyond furious with my parents. It's something I had never really realized and have just now begun to grapple with. I have a LOT of guilt and shame that stems from a pretty screwed-up upbringing. I'm constantly telling myself I can't do anything right, I'm a mess, I'm doomed to fail. I was expressing this, and he told me again I don't have a drinking problem, I have a coping problem.

So he drew a circle diagram and at the top it said THOUGHTS. On the right side it said FEELINGS. On the the left it said ACTION. He then explained that I am so stuck in negative thoughts, that I proceed to feeling like crap, which causes me to drink because I can't cope. So he has continued to go back to the top THOUGHTS and has asked me to spend some time thinking about that. He maintains that if I could ever forgive my parents, and decide to drop my baggage, that I could probably drop my bad habits.

I'm not looking for an excuse to drink. I'm truly not. The one thing I do find interesting is that I'm 35. Throughout college, i was a very normal social drinker. In my early 30s, I was a very normal drinker. When I turned 33, I went through a rough spot (divorce) and my folks threw me under the bus. And I'm still pissed about it, and it brought up years of old feelings about how crappy they were as parents. From there, my drinking began. Once I began to use booze as a coping mechanism, I was done for. However, I can review my life and see that I truly didn't fixate on drinking for much of anything at any previous point in my life. I would watch movies on Saturday nights. Now, I pound beers like mad. I used to go to dinners. Now, I drink in front of the TV. At one point, there was never this streak in me that required the booze to placate negative thoughts and feelings.

So part of me is wondering if he's not on to something?? If I could ever find some peace in my heart for my emotions, is there some hope for me to recover a normal lifestyle? I know I've got a long way to go to even find the perspective necessary to move forward, but a lot of what he says makes sense.

thanks in advance.

Dime

That is similar to part of the process of working the 12 steps of AA. It is so important to unload the baggage and develop a new lifestyle where you don't continue to accumulate baggage. You might consider checking out AA where you can get support on a daily basis. They say that recovery begins when one alcoholic begins to talk to another. It's great to have a support group that understands.

BigTex3

understood. What I have found a bit interesting is that he continues to tell me I don't have a drinking problem (or is one that can be "fixed"). And YES - I have been completely open and honest with him about my habits and volume.

doggonecarl

Hopefully not the part about you not having a drinking problem! In an older post you wrote about your drinking:

"12 beers a day for the past 2 years. I'm miserable."

I'm no counselor, but I'm a drunk. A 12-pack a day? That's a drinking problem. May not be alcoholism, but you are drinking WAY above normal.

Don't use your counselor's decision (and a faulty one at that, IMHO) about not having a drinking problem as an excuse to continue as you have been.

IT'S NOT WORKING FOR YOU!

If you want to see him for coping skills, fine. You want to quit drinking, go to AA or seek out some sort of addiction treatment. Please. For your sake and your family's.

BigTex3

ok - am not explaining things right.

Yes, I drink too much, thus I have stopped. Am not looking for an excuse to shrug my shoulders and carry on.

I guess I was just looking to see if anybody had ever heard anything similar. A bonafide counselor telling you that you could be "fixed".

smacked

it doesn't take much for a counselor to be 'bona fide'.. they're human, and completely capable of making mistakes

Glad you're living sober.

SSIL75

My dad had a counselor tell him something similar (or so I believe... my mom was kind of vague about it. And pissed off b/c she was living with his alcoholism but this therapist told him he wasn't an alcoholic :-/).

Anyway - I will say that this person told him he just was using it to deal with stress (and he was) and when he retired he did stop drinking as much. BUT he is utterly obsessed with alcohol still with lots of rules and rituals to keep him in check. And still drinks far too much. Just not all in one sitting anymore. So it's like 1/2 bottle of wine at lunch... more at dinner and then a 'nightcap' or two.

They both seem happy with it now. But it's depressing to me (even when I 'benefited' from being able to drink all the time at their house). He's just obsessed. If we have champagne say over christmas he'll obsess about what time that's at and how it fits in with our other drinking etc etc.

I don't know if it's possible to 'undo' the damage that alcohol does to our brains and drink normally. I know I can't. And I don't say that b/c I read it in a book or anything. I just know that even with the best and strongest intentions I ALWAYS want like 8 drinks once I have one. And it's not even that I keep drinking and up in a dumpster. 8 is my magic number

I hope you find what you're looking for

Boleo

Sounds like he wants you to do some inventory work and make some amends at least at the forgiveness level. Guess who else does that sort of thing around here?

Dee74

I've heard lots of people who gone to counsellors and were told they could be 'fixed'. Never met any who were tho, Tex.


I've known some great counsellors - but the best ones stick to what they know.

Personally, I'll stake my 20 years of trying (and failing) against anything someone read in a psychology text book.

D

least

My addiction counselor was once an addict herself so understands addiction very well. Would never tell anyone they were or could be 'fixed'. I'd stick to your gut feelings about your drinking and ignore the counselor who says you can be 'fixed'.

Kmber2010

Tex, I read your post and well you basically described my drinking to a T with the exception that I had a really difficult period in my mid/upper 20s that turned to alcohol to cope with and then spent nearly 10 years battling the ups/downs, etc. before I got into recovery.

I go to counseling and couldn't agree more that my drinking stems from the need to cope/escape/handle problems in my life.

What I will tell you and so will my counselor that I have a full blown drinking problem. Alcoholic, alcohol abuse or dependence whatever nice textbook definition we through out there doesn't matter to me nor does it my counselor. Once I turned down the path of using a substance to cope in life......I know from my experience that it is there and if went to drink today....I would be right back where I started. How do I know this? Ummmm cause I been there so many times and all I kept saying was - wait....I never had a drinking problem before xyz....I was a normal social drinker....I drank because of problems.

This is true that I did drink because of problems. I too went through a major change in life - divorce and it rid me of the person who initially drove me to drink if you will. Ahhhhh.....so I things should have been good right? I should have been able to quit right? No. I drank for almost everything at that stage in my life because alcoholism is progressive.

Look....people booze during peiods of grief....loss....stress....sorrow. My husband did that. Lasted a short period and he stopped...not years later and not with the aid of counseling, AA or any real support. Has no problem with booze at all.

Now I only speak for myself here and I know that I am a better person and life a better life without alcohol. I don't want it ever in my life because it wasn't social for me in the end.

Here is something to think of. If you began counseling 6 months ago and you have been told you have a coping problem NOT a drinking problem....then maybe you should reevaluate the input you are getting with this particular counselor if you are Day 5 of quitting.

I know my counselor worked with me first on my drinking.....then on my issues for drinking. Never once have I nor my counselor ever said that I don't have a drinking problem. We call a spade a spade....I may not have had one at first but I definitely did when I met with him.

I quit drinking and immediately began counseling along with the support of SR and now am coming up to 8 beautiful months in recovery. My experience is that it works for me.

Opivotal

I think what your counselor is trying to say is that you have CORE problems. Until you deal with them You will not move on in a positive way. Your drinking was a result of not dealing with your issues. It may have started innocently enough but has progressed to a point of self destruction.

As we get older the things we've blocked out tend to come to the surface. I can only talk about myself in that I never dealt with family, relationship or any kind of problems. I poo-pooed them away. I would deal with them later. BIG MISTAKE

They have to be dealt with and worked through. Your counselor may feel that this is your bigger issue. I don't know. I do know that drinking can destroy your life. Problems are bigger, anxiety worse, etc. Until you work on your issues, you will continue to fail in stopping the drinking.

In the end of my drinking career, I was in the middle of a divorce of 29 years, Mom died, Cat died, health problems, family issues, on and on. I was an absolute mess. As my problems got worse so did my drinking. Started with a glass of wine before dinner and progressed to daily drinking. I turned into an alcoholic within 2 or 3 years.

So I do understand your counselor, but would advise you to put the alcohol down for good ,and work on yourself. This will help you not turn to alcohol to deal with your life and issues within. Just my opinion.

LaFemme

I think Kim pretty much says it all.

I too used alcohol to cope, first with grief and then with everything else...so is my problem a coping one or a drinking one? All I know is I had to take alcohol out of the equation before I could deal with my coping issues.

I have a lot of anger at my family too...I have a counselor who helps me with that and she is a valuable tool in my learning to cope with life. She is not trained in dealing with addiction problems and my addiction is not part of our dialogue.

I will say that this Thanksgiving was the best in a long time...first because I was sober and second because I had the skills necessary to begin to release my anger and see my parents as human beings with flaws who ultimately love me and who have done the best they can.

jamdls

Hi Tex, I can relate. I drank heavily for many years I had so much anger and resentment inside of me towards my parents, drunken abusive father and a cold distant mother who didn't protect me from him. I had so much hurt inside of me and the more I drank the more I dispised myself, I was slowly killing myself and I just wanted to die. I went to a psychiatrist for years and she always told me the same that I was not alcoholic, I was given the accepted standardized test for alcoholism and it said I was not alcholic I was "moderate to heavy problem drinker" (I think). Well 3+ yrs ago I OD'd on prescription drugs and the drugs burned a hole in my liver and I had to quit drinking and I did, and once I quit drinking I started to forgive myself and my parents, I thought I had forgiven my dad, but it was only on the surface. In my recovery essentially with prayer and meditation I learned to truly forgive and today my 88 yr old father (who has been sober for 25+ yrs) is my best friend, unfortunetly my mother passed away 5 months after I quit drinking but the last thing I said to her before she died was "I'm sorry for everything, and I forgive you I know you did the best you could" she was basically in a coma at the time but I feel she heard me and it gave me closure. I wish I had sobered up a lot sooner so I could have gotten to know my mom. Yeah my parents weren't the greatest, the first 18 yrs of my life sucked, but then I spent the next 30 punishing MYSELF for their failures, the only person I was hurting was ME. I believe I could drink socially now, I just have no desire to do so. Truly forgiving my parents was the greatest gift I've ever given myself, I hope you find it as well.

Anna

I don't think that age or previous drinking experience has anything to do with alcoholism. I was in my mid-forties before I began to drink. I also think that, ultimately, it's not about the alcohol. The alcohol is a symptom and it's the underlying problems that need to be dealt with. That's what you're doing now when you're looking at your anger and trying to deal with that. However, just because you deal with your issues doesn't mean you can drink normally again. Once we cross the invisible line, we can never go back.

leo21

Last year I tried a counselor for about two months. She did her best to have me just start cutting back and tapering things. Needless to say, that did NOT work (for me).

Paraffinalien

I know nothing about counsellors but i do know what a fouth step in AA is and it sounds like you are doind about half of one with your guy.

It's available free at your local group, its thorough and guarantees to solve your problem if instructions are followed. Good luck mate.

Kmber2010

Anna hit the nail on the head for me. One of the many reasons I come to SR is because I identify so much in what each of you share.

While I can now have a perfect life so to speak....something happened along the way that I can never drink the way I did before.

Really good thread and thanks all for sharing.....allows me to reflect.

NYCDoglvr

There are two issues:

1. Your alcoholism, and you're on day five. I described early sobriety like having PMS on a full moon. Of course your feelings are going to be intense. But that will improve with time, your feelings should level out. And, it doesn't matter why you drink or how long you drank, all that matters is that you're an alcoholic and that's not going to change. You can have incredible insights and have the serenity of a Buddha and you'll still be an alcoholic.

(As an ex-sponsor said, "You can't change a pickle back into a cucumber")

2. There's everything else. We all have families and with families come issues, hurts, resentments, all of it. If you stay sober you'll also see your own part in the problems you have. You have a lifetime to work on that.

On day 5 I suggest just keep it simple. Remember, you just don't pick up today. That's it!!

God bless

NYCDoglvr

Here's another thing I learned in AA. This alcoholic can't afford the luxury of a resentment. It feels so painful, I'll take a knife over the steady burn of anger any day. So we learn how to deal with resentments, to get rid of them, because that is the #1 thing that would lead me back to a drink.