sleepie

I think I need a little help not caving in today, and drinking. It's difficult because I have experienced yet another rejection and I am always getting my emotions toyed with because I so foolishly trust people. I only want to drink, to get away from this awful thing. I just want to lose myself. And I can't sleep, as usual except it's worse at the moment. I wish I could just stop feeling. Every time I let myself get close, or open up- I inevitably get hurt.

RobbyRobot

Hi Sleepie. Sorry things went weird for you yet again. I can hear from your post that your trust experiences are in the toilet (for now). I also hear you faulting yourself for even trusting others in the first place, and I dont know how foolish you are or not about all that, but I do know trust is such a fragile thing, sometimes easily broken, and when our lives are in turmoil, trust is the very thing we need to help us thru those tough times, so its for sure hurting all the more to not have good loving trust experiences. I feel for you. Its really understandable you want to just get away from the awfulness of it all. I did too. We all did. No one wants to stick around and suffer, even those who feel guilty and think they deserve to suffer dont really want it. I was like that myself, feeling guilty for having broken trust issues all around me. I wasn't the me that I wanted to be thru those dark times.

I've been on both sides of the trust issues, you know, and so I've caused others hurt as well as my being hurt. I've felt foolish too. When I was living like a drunk of course I drank over trust issues which only made everything worse anyways and totally created more hopelessness and despair for me to get thru when I finally sobered up.

I also know isolating although having its place in my life always came back to bite me in that when I needed a friend or wanted to be helpful and loving to others I was left in the cold. My isolating took more from me than it ever gave back. I'm not an island unto myself. I know alot of my feelings of foolishness and despair were born from my obvious isolation experiences. I was very hard-core at isolating myself from others. Even today, after many years of good living, I'm still naturally a private person with few friends and I'm always flying under the radar. I still won't sit in the middle of a room, lol.

Anyways.

So yeah, me too, everytime I open up or let myself get close- I get hurt somehow or other. And you know what? I've learned its okay for me to see things that way because of my past experiences. There is no way to escape my past and I am what I am today and so beating myself up because of real-life trust issues is just plain dumb. I get alot more out of life by being honest with my struggles than pretending I dont experience trust issues as fragile and easily broken. After what I've been thru, its all very much a miracle I can even stay sober let alone live out a great life these many years, so I'll take what I can get and that means I'll always be open to being hurt yet again from issues around my trust experiences. Its still the best way forward for me today and into tomorrow.

I hope you have a better day this day sleepie. Stay sober. Get thru it. Keep reaching out.

Robby

Dee74

I'm sorry you're having a bad time Sleepie - but you know as well as I do that drinking ultimately makes things worse.

I got hurt a lot of times - but I made a lot of bad choices too.

Looking back, it was pretty hard for me to make good choices when my response to everything was drink.

I stayed numb, but I didn't grow. I just kept making the same choices over and over.

I didn't find the courage to make change things and make those different, smarter, choices until I was much older than you.

Be smarter than me Sleepie.

Take care
D

stugotz

Sleepie, There is no problem you cant make worse by drinking. Just sayin...

mfanch

Maybe taking a break from relationships and focusing on recovery is in order. I did not put myself "out there" (for ANY kind of relationship) until I worked the steps with a sponsor. Only when I had a complete psychic change was I ready to share that with anyone else. My sponsor always tells me that "the same person will ________ again" (fill in the blank with whatever it is that keeps happening over and over....relapse, rejection, job loss, etc).

Dividing the day into manageable section is helpful when times are tough. I also go to more meetings and call more recovering people. Getting out of myself (ie service work) REALLY makes me feel better, too. Hope your day gets better.

mfanch

viavai

Sleepie,

I think mfanch's suggestion that you break up your day into manageable portions is an excellent idea. So, for instance, you're not going to drink until noon, and then when noon comes around, you're not going to drink until 3, and than you're not going to drink until dinnertime, and so forth. Do something good for yourself: Go to the store and buy something to make for lunch, snacks, and then dinner--something you'll really enjoy as a reward for getting through a tough day, because remember, this too shall pass.

I am entirely sympathetic to how you feel right now, and I, too, have a very hard time living life on life's terms (dealing with loss or potential loss especially). Those are the times when I know I need to get busy with the work of recovery--not JUST going to a meeting, but reading the literature, calling people (reaching out), and writing about how I'm feeling and what I plan to do with those feelings (for me, that means turning it over to a Higher Power of my understanding and meditating).

Keep it in the day. One thing that has helped me is to hold on to my sobriety JUST for today; if drinking is important enough, I can always drink tomorrow, but today I'm not going to drink.

Hope that helps.

sleepie

Okay. My hair pulling disorder is really messing with me and saddening me too. I hate life today. I feel disgusting.

Forwards

Hi Sleepie, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and can't offer much advice myself (had a really rubbish day today) but please know that everyone here is supporting you. It really is one thing you can rely on and I hope it helps just a bit.