Friends and Family of Alcoholics...READ THIS!
Hangovers Suck!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Southeastern U.S.
Posts: 176
Friends and Family of Alcoholics...READ THIS!
You have no idea how much influence you might have over that alcoholic family member or friend. You have no idea how what you say and do can influence a loved one who is striving to remain sober against all odds. You have no idea how much power you wield...
Be advised, right here, right now.... Whether you are still drinking and drugging in the "normal" fashion, or a tee totaler, the words you direct at the person you purportedly desire to help stop abusing carry a heavy influence, at any point in that persons sobriety. Even after an extended period of sobriety, your friend or loved one is still in danger.
KNOW THIS! WE are not like YOU! That is, if you are truly "normal"..WE are not like YOU. You may well have a substance abuse problem yourself... We are ultimately responsible for our own sobriety, no doubt about that. But would you want to be responsible for pushing a recovering alcoholic or abuser over the edge? Would you???? I damned sure would not.
I say all this to tell my own story, and how the influence of my wife, who is my best friend, ultimately led to my throwing nearly 4 years of sobriety down the drain.
My story begins in August of 2003. Up to that date, my longest consecutive period of sobriety was six months at best. I got drunk the first time at age 13 or 14, and began daily drinking at 18 in the year 1982. Joined the United States Marine Corps that year, and drank my way around the planet for the next 4 years. I used lots of drugs along the way...marijuana, quaaludes, cocaine, meth and my all time favorite, LSD. But over the years, the one drug I clung to was alcohol. By the early 1990's, I had given up everything but booze. Finally, one night in August of 2003, I realized booze was going to kill me and destroy my marriage and take my family from me.
I had tried AA in a past attempt at sobriety, but found that AA ultimately triggered every base desire I had to drink for some reason. I can't explain it, but one afternoon after several months of sobriety, at a lunch with my AA group, I fell off the wagon, and went straight to the liquor store following the lunch and bought a half gallon of bourbon. All the AA boozing stories just made me want to drink even more, so I knew, for me, AA was not the route I needed to take. If AA works for you, then keep working it. I'm just telling my story here and not intending to argue the merits of any particular recovery method.
So, one morning after yet another 30+ beer nights, I decided enough was enough. I went looking for a way to get sober and discovered "Rational Recovery". RR was an immediate relief for me, and worked for nearly 4 years. If you want more info on RR, Google "Rational Recovery". Will it work for everyone? Is there a one-size-fits-all recovery program? Obviously not.
I embarked on a nearly 4 year oddesy of insanely blissful sobriety. 3 years and 7 months to be more accurate. I was weight lifting and running 3 miles 3 days a week the whole time. But it all came to a screeching halt one night in March of 2007. I had been promoted into my dream job and was at a celebration dinner with two esteemed business associates and my wife at a fantastic Italian Restaurant. One of my business associates ordered a bottle of red wine. I, of course, initially declined. Deep down I understood the danger of that first drink. Then, my beautiful, loving wife and best friend said to me: "Can't you have just one without going over the edge?" Somewhere, deep within my subconcious mind, I allowed her question to ultimately become her consent to have a glass of wine in celebration of my individual achievement.
I made the mistake of having that one glass of wine, and here I am, 3 and a half years later, still struggling to stay sober. I have managed to stay sober most week days, reserving the weekends for getting hammered. I've even had many consecutive days, weeks and months at times of sobriety since then, but ultimately, since that fateful day in March of 2007, I have struggled and continued to struggle.
So what does this have to do with friends and family of alcoholics? In a word...EVERYTHING! My wife is a "normal" drinker in every sense of the word. She likes wine occaisionally, and so do I. Cases of wine end up in our house, and cases of wine go down my throat. And she has the audacity of getting pissed at me for drinking her wine. Ultimately I understand that my drinking is my own fault and that she did not hold me down and force booze down my throat. But it sure as hell is not helping me to stay sober with booze in my house and a built in excuse in my own mind. The previous 4 years, no booze crossed the threshold and she was my advocate in sobriety 100% of the time...at least until March 2007.
So what's my point? If you really love someone and truly want them to stop abusing, then get on their side and stay on their side. Don't even THINK about tempting them in any form or fashion whatsoever. Because one drink WILL push them over the edge. We stopped for a reason. If you love us, then help us, please.
Be advised, right here, right now.... Whether you are still drinking and drugging in the "normal" fashion, or a tee totaler, the words you direct at the person you purportedly desire to help stop abusing carry a heavy influence, at any point in that persons sobriety. Even after an extended period of sobriety, your friend or loved one is still in danger.
KNOW THIS! WE are not like YOU! That is, if you are truly "normal"..WE are not like YOU. You may well have a substance abuse problem yourself... We are ultimately responsible for our own sobriety, no doubt about that. But would you want to be responsible for pushing a recovering alcoholic or abuser over the edge? Would you???? I damned sure would not.
I say all this to tell my own story, and how the influence of my wife, who is my best friend, ultimately led to my throwing nearly 4 years of sobriety down the drain.
My story begins in August of 2003. Up to that date, my longest consecutive period of sobriety was six months at best. I got drunk the first time at age 13 or 14, and began daily drinking at 18 in the year 1982. Joined the United States Marine Corps that year, and drank my way around the planet for the next 4 years. I used lots of drugs along the way...marijuana, quaaludes, cocaine, meth and my all time favorite, LSD. But over the years, the one drug I clung to was alcohol. By the early 1990's, I had given up everything but booze. Finally, one night in August of 2003, I realized booze was going to kill me and destroy my marriage and take my family from me.
I had tried AA in a past attempt at sobriety, but found that AA ultimately triggered every base desire I had to drink for some reason. I can't explain it, but one afternoon after several months of sobriety, at a lunch with my AA group, I fell off the wagon, and went straight to the liquor store following the lunch and bought a half gallon of bourbon. All the AA boozing stories just made me want to drink even more, so I knew, for me, AA was not the route I needed to take. If AA works for you, then keep working it. I'm just telling my story here and not intending to argue the merits of any particular recovery method.
So, one morning after yet another 30+ beer nights, I decided enough was enough. I went looking for a way to get sober and discovered "Rational Recovery". RR was an immediate relief for me, and worked for nearly 4 years. If you want more info on RR, Google "Rational Recovery". Will it work for everyone? Is there a one-size-fits-all recovery program? Obviously not.
I embarked on a nearly 4 year oddesy of insanely blissful sobriety. 3 years and 7 months to be more accurate. I was weight lifting and running 3 miles 3 days a week the whole time. But it all came to a screeching halt one night in March of 2007. I had been promoted into my dream job and was at a celebration dinner with two esteemed business associates and my wife at a fantastic Italian Restaurant. One of my business associates ordered a bottle of red wine. I, of course, initially declined. Deep down I understood the danger of that first drink. Then, my beautiful, loving wife and best friend said to me: "Can't you have just one without going over the edge?" Somewhere, deep within my subconcious mind, I allowed her question to ultimately become her consent to have a glass of wine in celebration of my individual achievement.
I made the mistake of having that one glass of wine, and here I am, 3 and a half years later, still struggling to stay sober. I have managed to stay sober most week days, reserving the weekends for getting hammered. I've even had many consecutive days, weeks and months at times of sobriety since then, but ultimately, since that fateful day in March of 2007, I have struggled and continued to struggle.
So what does this have to do with friends and family of alcoholics? In a word...EVERYTHING! My wife is a "normal" drinker in every sense of the word. She likes wine occaisionally, and so do I. Cases of wine end up in our house, and cases of wine go down my throat. And she has the audacity of getting pissed at me for drinking her wine. Ultimately I understand that my drinking is my own fault and that she did not hold me down and force booze down my throat. But it sure as hell is not helping me to stay sober with booze in my house and a built in excuse in my own mind. The previous 4 years, no booze crossed the threshold and she was my advocate in sobriety 100% of the time...at least until March 2007.
So what's my point? If you really love someone and truly want them to stop abusing, then get on their side and stay on their side. Don't even THINK about tempting them in any form or fashion whatsoever. Because one drink WILL push them over the edge. We stopped for a reason. If you love us, then help us, please.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Sorry you returned to drinking, but if someone (even if it is your wife) just saying "Can't you just have one drink?" was enough to shake your sobriety, I'm afraid it wasn't that strong to begin with. Sobriety is a journey and our recovery is not a destination, it, too, is a journey. It is something that must be guarded and nurtured for the rest of our lives.
It's not your wife's fault you drink.
It's not your wife's fault you drink.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
I am so sorry. I totally understand your situation. Yes, if your recovery is strong, it shouldn't be shaken by a simple statement. But we are weak, and we are powerless. Please please get back on the wagon. You know you are better off, and you know you will be a happier person. Do it for you, noone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am not that powerful.
Whether someone else chooses to drink or not...if I were I would have "saved" a couple of alcoholics by now.
I have had substances laid out in front of me, urged on me, people using in front of me...I can always laugh it off and say, that's okay, it's more for you.
Whether someone else chooses to drink or not...if I were I would have "saved" a couple of alcoholics by now.
I have had substances laid out in front of me, urged on me, people using in front of me...I can always laugh it off and say, that's okay, it's more for you.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I understand where the OP is coming from. I don't think it's a reflection on his sobriety if a statement made him want to drink, we are all human and he got caught in the moment. There are people who go back out after having 20 yrs of sobriety. We has humans get complacent and are always going to test the waters in some way. If it was all as easy as some of you people make it sound then none of us would be on this site, or going to meetings, or gettin sponsors, or going to rehab etc..........
And even though it is up to us to work our own program, sometimes we don't need people tempting us, not even a little bit, because none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.
And even though it is up to us to work our own program, sometimes we don't need people tempting us, not even a little bit, because none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi John
I'm sorry for your situation but there are many members here who live with spouses, friends or housemates who drink. It's undeniably harder, but it's simply not a dealbreaker.
I used to hang with a hard drinking crowd. Time and again I drank even tho I knew what it did to me - drinks were put before me, I was encouraged to drink...so I did.
At the time I blamed them - now I see it was my responsibility to live my life the way I knew was right.
I urge you to do everything you can to get sober again - try AA or some other group, or maybe some counselling...perhaps rehab is an option?
If nothing else, seeing your Dr is a good first step.
D
I'm sorry for your situation but there are many members here who live with spouses, friends or housemates who drink. It's undeniably harder, but it's simply not a dealbreaker.
I used to hang with a hard drinking crowd. Time and again I drank even tho I knew what it did to me - drinks were put before me, I was encouraged to drink...so I did.
At the time I blamed them - now I see it was my responsibility to live my life the way I knew was right.
I urge you to do everything you can to get sober again - try AA or some other group, or maybe some counselling...perhaps rehab is an option?
If nothing else, seeing your Dr is a good first step.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
JustJohn,
I am sorry that your wife doesn't understand your alcoholism. However, you still chose, knowing probably what it would lead to. You must own that.
She however, was wrong to put you on the spot like that, in the company of associates. It was like asking you if you have any balls, you would take a drink. A little bit of a setup for a woman that should know better.
If you ever get sober again, I think you should tell her flat out to please never ever suggest that you touch a drop.
I see that both of you made wrong choices that night.
I am sorry that your wife doesn't understand your alcoholism. However, you still chose, knowing probably what it would lead to. You must own that.
She however, was wrong to put you on the spot like that, in the company of associates. It was like asking you if you have any balls, you would take a drink. A little bit of a setup for a woman that should know better.
If you ever get sober again, I think you should tell her flat out to please never ever suggest that you touch a drop.
I see that both of you made wrong choices that night.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
If your wife is determined to bring "cases of wine" into the house, you will have to decide whether or not your sobriety is important enough to you to make other living arrangements. It is totally your decision, as is the decision whether or not to drink.
Also, if you truly want your message to be seen by Friends and Families of Alcoholics, you might want to post it in that forum.
Also, if you truly want your message to be seen by Friends and Families of Alcoholics, you might want to post it in that forum.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Rangely Colorado
Posts: 80
Hey JustJohn -
That was really courageous of you to post your feelings about that! And I agree, it wasn't very sensitive of your wife to "out" you like that in front of business associates; but you can't use that occasion as your "Resentment Du Jour" in order to keep drinking. Whether you decide to own your part in it or not, it would be a really great idea to let it go ... holding onto it isn't helping, and you're still drinking, I take it, for 3 1/2 more years.
Wine/booze in the house ... that's a big one for a lot of people. I live alone, but my parents always have beer, liquor, and wine at their house, and I'm over there a lot. It used to kind-of annoy/bother me ... but they aren't the alcoholics - I AM. So, it's okay that they drink. It's NOT okay if I do. (I probably wouldn't have a second thought about eating rat poison if they had that in the house ... and alcohol is poison to me.)
I understand your anger, and I'm sure that the F&F's will appreciate knowing your perspective, but honestly - your anger and resentment are what's keeping you drinking now, not the wife's wine. What about Rational Recovery? Can you work that program again? You're right, there are lots of ways to get and stay sober ... I say you pick one and invest the energy you're investing in this resentment toward getting sober again! And it doesn't matter whether your wife is 100% behind you or not ... are you 100% committed? Don't give her that much power - you can do this!
That was really courageous of you to post your feelings about that! And I agree, it wasn't very sensitive of your wife to "out" you like that in front of business associates; but you can't use that occasion as your "Resentment Du Jour" in order to keep drinking. Whether you decide to own your part in it or not, it would be a really great idea to let it go ... holding onto it isn't helping, and you're still drinking, I take it, for 3 1/2 more years.
Wine/booze in the house ... that's a big one for a lot of people. I live alone, but my parents always have beer, liquor, and wine at their house, and I'm over there a lot. It used to kind-of annoy/bother me ... but they aren't the alcoholics - I AM. So, it's okay that they drink. It's NOT okay if I do. (I probably wouldn't have a second thought about eating rat poison if they had that in the house ... and alcohol is poison to me.)
I understand your anger, and I'm sure that the F&F's will appreciate knowing your perspective, but honestly - your anger and resentment are what's keeping you drinking now, not the wife's wine. What about Rational Recovery? Can you work that program again? You're right, there are lots of ways to get and stay sober ... I say you pick one and invest the energy you're investing in this resentment toward getting sober again! And it doesn't matter whether your wife is 100% behind you or not ... are you 100% committed? Don't give her that much power - you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
So it's all your wife's fault???.... She brings wine into your house, embarrassed you at dinner, yells at you if you drink all her wine... and it's her fault you are a drunk... that one glass of wine at dinner that night in 2007, and that's all it took... and without her support you don't have a chance at this thing called recovery... ??????
Man up buddy.
If one glass of wine at dinner, if one insensitive remark, puts you back in the bottle, your sobriety was a house of cards in the first place... Get some real recovery, take responsibility for your own life...
That said, I have a spouse who buys wine by the case, but she drinks moderately and responsibly... and it was real hard, real hard at first... But if I got past it, you can too.... Keep comin' back.
Man up buddy.
If one glass of wine at dinner, if one insensitive remark, puts you back in the bottle, your sobriety was a house of cards in the first place... Get some real recovery, take responsibility for your own life...
That said, I have a spouse who buys wine by the case, but she drinks moderately and responsibly... and it was real hard, real hard at first... But if I got past it, you can too.... Keep comin' back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
WOW - if only we did have influence. Spend some time in the Friends and Family forum - you will find we have no power, none, nada, zip over alcoholism. All the love, helping, begging, pleading, advice and desperate moves I ever made did not influence any alcoholic in my life. Believe me if I or my mother had influence my stepfather would be alive and my xabf would be sober instead of headed to an early grave himself. Sad but true. We are powerless over alcohol just as much as you.
I wish you the best - take control of YOUR life. Be responsible for your decisions and well being. I have found that is the only thing that works for me.
I wish you the best - take control of YOUR life. Be responsible for your decisions and well being. I have found that is the only thing that works for me.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
It might not be a good idea to post this in f and f of alcoholics cause someone there would likely want to kill you or at least slap you hard enough to wake you up. I advise against posting there. You'll be roadkill and they'll be vultures. Don't even go there...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I didn't read this post as blaming the wife...more as imploring loved ones to understand the disease and support the person in recovery.
I also think...something is weird if the first 4 years your wife never brought wine into the house and now she is? Maybe some marriage counseling would help.
Best of luck and I hope you try RR again.
I also think...something is weird if the first 4 years your wife never brought wine into the house and now she is? Maybe some marriage counseling would help.
Best of luck and I hope you try RR again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm thinking that future posts are gonna be variations on a theme John, so I'll close this thread.
I hope you will do something for yourself now...whether it's RR or whatever - come back and post an update when you do
D
I hope you will do something for yourself now...whether it's RR or whatever - come back and post an update when you do
D
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