Daughter won't talk to me. Should I give her more space?
Sally1009
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
Daughter won't talk to me. Should I give her more space?
My 32yr old daughter won't talk to me since
we had a row in email form in August. I have apologised for emailing her when I was drinking, but she is keeping up a frosty silence. I sent her a text appealing to her to end this, saying that now I am sober, she should reward the 'good' behaviour, surely?
But 4 hours later still no reply. This is killing me as I miss her and her little boy, my beloved grandson so much. I won't tell her, because it would be manipulative, but this really threatens my new found sobriety.
I do get the occasional text- always a minimum, like three kisses, or an 'I hate your alcoholism, Mum, but I love you'...
What do you think? Should I write a long email, pleading with her to talk to me, or should I leave her to come round in her own time?
She got the least of my drinking, as I didn't start until she was leaving home for university. But she is the angriest of my three kids. What are your opinions I would be grateful for your wisdom hope and experience.
Love
Sally
we had a row in email form in August. I have apologised for emailing her when I was drinking, but she is keeping up a frosty silence. I sent her a text appealing to her to end this, saying that now I am sober, she should reward the 'good' behaviour, surely?
But 4 hours later still no reply. This is killing me as I miss her and her little boy, my beloved grandson so much. I won't tell her, because it would be manipulative, but this really threatens my new found sobriety.
I do get the occasional text- always a minimum, like three kisses, or an 'I hate your alcoholism, Mum, but I love you'...
What do you think? Should I write a long email, pleading with her to talk to me, or should I leave her to come round in her own time?
She got the least of my drinking, as I didn't start until she was leaving home for university. But she is the angriest of my three kids. What are your opinions I would be grateful for your wisdom hope and experience.
Love
Sally
Last edited by Sally1009; 10-14-2010 at 02:37 PM. Reason: Spelling, punctuation
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
My advice is to step back and wait, with patience.
My daughter was also furious with me. I began drinking when she was 16 and it continued for about 3 years. She had a huge amount of anger towards me. When I became sober, I desperately wanted to talk to her and make her understand my point of view. She didn't want to. So...I was forced to learn patience, to dig in and wait and to show her the changes in me. It took a long while, but we are close now, thank heavens.
My daughter was also furious with me. I began drinking when she was 16 and it continued for about 3 years. She had a huge amount of anger towards me. When I became sober, I desperately wanted to talk to her and make her understand my point of view. She didn't want to. So...I was forced to learn patience, to dig in and wait and to show her the changes in me. It took a long while, but we are close now, thank heavens.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Give her space.. she's begging for it.
You don't get a reward for being sober, it's what you SHOULD be doing as a healthy person in recovery. Frankly that's pretty selfish to even request, IMO.
If you're truly committed to recovery, excuses like this wouldn't make you want to drink or cause a relapse anyways.. I'm glad you're keeping those thoughts to yourself and away from her.
The damage we cause in our active alcoholism isn't diminished the first day, week, or month that we don't get drunk.
Live your life in recovery.. be the example of a caring, strong, healthy mother that you know you can be. I hope she comes around.
You don't get a reward for being sober, it's what you SHOULD be doing as a healthy person in recovery. Frankly that's pretty selfish to even request, IMO.
If you're truly committed to recovery, excuses like this wouldn't make you want to drink or cause a relapse anyways.. I'm glad you're keeping those thoughts to yourself and away from her.
The damage we cause in our active alcoholism isn't diminished the first day, week, or month that we don't get drunk.
Live your life in recovery.. be the example of a caring, strong, healthy mother that you know you can be. I hope she comes around.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Sally....
she is texting at times. That is a positive sign.
Text back something simple...in the same mode.
Mail a funny Halloween card to your Grandson.
This is not the best time for either of you to
get into deep confessions/discussions on anything.
I know you are disappointed in the fact she said she
would not come for Christmas. That may or may
not change in the next 2 months.
Again....this is not the time to discuss her decision.
she is texting at times. That is a positive sign.
Text back something simple...in the same mode.
Mail a funny Halloween card to your Grandson.
This is not the best time for either of you to
get into deep confessions/discussions on anything.
I know you are disappointed in the fact she said she
would not come for Christmas. That may or may
not change in the next 2 months.
Again....this is not the time to discuss her decision.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sally,
You're getting great advice here. Remember, actions speak louder than words. I know many, many sober people with kids who were once estranged but with whom they are now close again. Give her time, and space. Stay cordial, I have a feeling eventually she will come around. It DOES take time to rebuild trust after so many disappointments.
The best thing you can do for yourself AND for your future relationship with her and with your grandson is to keep taking good care of yourself and your sobriety.
You're getting great advice here. Remember, actions speak louder than words. I know many, many sober people with kids who were once estranged but with whom they are now close again. Give her time, and space. Stay cordial, I have a feeling eventually she will come around. It DOES take time to rebuild trust after so many disappointments.
The best thing you can do for yourself AND for your future relationship with her and with your grandson is to keep taking good care of yourself and your sobriety.
Sally1009
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
I'm not trying to be selfish- I have been trying to make amends to her, and I'm not trying to use her silence as an excuse to drink, at least not at a conscious level. By reward, I mean that I think ignoring someone when they are actively drinking is one thing, certainly, but surely when they HAVE stopped, and are really working the programme , isn't it counter- productive to keep up the ignoring? I did write my daughter a very nice text- I was only questioning her continuing the silence now I'm doing well.
As I said, I'm not going to make her feel guilty by telling her how her silence makes me feel despair.I 'm just sharing that on this forum in confidence.
As I said, I'm not going to make her feel guilty by telling her how her silence makes me feel despair.I 'm just sharing that on this forum in confidence.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
My kids were teens when I started drinking. They were so worried and upset, especially when I'd lie and say I'd quit and I hadn't quit at all.
When I finally got sober I wanted so much for them to love and respect me again but there was nothing I could do to make that happen or happen quicker. It takes time...
But since they have seen me sober now for so long they again respect and love me and we get along very well. Give her time. Show her with actions that you're getting better. Long diatribes or 'threats' won't get you anywhere. Actions speak louder than words. Keep on loving her and your grandson but give her space and time.
When I finally got sober I wanted so much for them to love and respect me again but there was nothing I could do to make that happen or happen quicker. It takes time...But since they have seen me sober now for so long they again respect and love me and we get along very well. Give her time. Show her with actions that you're getting better. Long diatribes or 'threats' won't get you anywhere. Actions speak louder than words. Keep on loving her and your grandson but give her space and time.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
You list your sobriety date as July and say you began drinking after she went to university -- at eighteen or so? And she's thirty-two now? That's more than a decade that you're expecting her to forgive or "reward" in a few months. Does it seem any more unreasonable put that way? I agree with the others. She's asking for space, so give it to her.
Your best amends at this point is to not pick up a drink. When you have a little more time under your belt and she sees that you're not returning to the bottle, then perhaps she'll be willing to sit down and talk. In my experience, it took significant time before anyone was willing to take me seriously -- and "I'm sorry" just wasn't going to cut it.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Your best amends at this point is to not pick up a drink. When you have a little more time under your belt and she sees that you're not returning to the bottle, then perhaps she'll be willing to sit down and talk. In my experience, it took significant time before anyone was willing to take me seriously -- and "I'm sorry" just wasn't going to cut it.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Now is the time to focus on you--by staying focused on sobriety. It sounds like your daughter and grandson are doing well. Let them be for the time being. The best amends you can make right now is to keep your recovery a priority. You know, the others are right.....we did this to our children by the things we did--the actions caused/associated by "our own drinking". It isn't fair to expect anything from your daughter. She didn't do anything wrong. I can relate because I too have a child and he is watching my actions. I told him many times I was sorry and was going to stop drinking--and I did....for a little while. He wants to see that I am serious about wanting to change. I have no expectations of him, although I will say that we are starting to have a better relationship. He sees me going to meetings and doing service work and at first, it was really hard cause I wanted instant results--both from him and the rest of the family. Well, I drank for over a decade and wreaked all kind of havoc off/on throughout the years--so I know that things won't get smoothed over real quick. I am coming up on a year sober (again). My family is watching me--and although sometimes they still get mad or bring up the past (about my drinking)--the difference today is that I do take responsibility for my own behavior.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Sally, you relapsed just last week, pet. Even if your daughter doesn't know that.. I see a recovery date before that of September something.
It's very early days. She's not going to trust you yet. And especially not if she feels the pressure mounting.
Get some depth in your recovery and she'll be drawn back.
I feel sometimes that drinking stunted my growth and my inner 2 year old never really grew up. I can be very impatient and demanding. Stamping my proverbial foot. Learning that I'm not the center of the universe is a sobering but oddly settling discovery.
It's very early days. She's not going to trust you yet. And especially not if she feels the pressure mounting.
Get some depth in your recovery and she'll be drawn back.
I feel sometimes that drinking stunted my growth and my inner 2 year old never really grew up. I can be very impatient and demanding. Stamping my proverbial foot. Learning that I'm not the center of the universe is a sobering but oddly settling discovery.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
a reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
"If onlys" are lonely.
—Morgan Jennings
The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life's heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn't, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence.
We simply don't know just what's best for us. Our vision is limited. Less so today than yesterday, but limited still. The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead.
We get what we need, in the way of relationships, adventures, joys and sorrows, today and every day. Celebrating what we get and knowing there is good in it eases whatever trial we are undergoing. We are cared for, right now. We need not lament what we think we need. We do have what we need. We will always get what we need, when we need it.
"If onlys" are lonely.
—Morgan Jennings
The circumstances of our lives seldom live up to our expectations or desires. However, in each circumstance we are offered an opportunity for growth or change, a chance for greater understanding of life's heights and pitfalls. Each time we choose to lament what isn't, we close the door on the invitation to a better existence.
We simply don't know just what's best for us. Our vision is limited. Less so today than yesterday, but limited still. The experiences we are offered will fail to satisfy our expectations because we expect so much less than God has planned for us in the days ahead.
We get what we need, in the way of relationships, adventures, joys and sorrows, today and every day. Celebrating what we get and knowing there is good in it eases whatever trial we are undergoing. We are cared for, right now. We need not lament what we think we need. We do have what we need. We will always get what we need, when we need it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Look at it this way, Sally. It isn't anyone's "job" to behave the way we'd like them to, just to make us happy so we will have an easier time of it. Our drinking affected the way people feel about us. How could it not? The "formal amends" that they talk about in the Steps is one you will make later, after discussing it with your sponsor. For now, just let her see that you are serious about your recovery, that you are committed to changing.
I spent quite a bit of time in Al-Anon to deal with other people's drinking. One of the concepts is detaching--which doesn't mean cutting the other person off, necessarily, but kind of removing your emotions from the other person for awhile. Your daughter isn't behaving this way to "punish" you, but she may need to space and detachment to protect her own feelings. It's best that you respect that. Most likely it will change with time, but it must be in HER time, not yours.
I spent quite a bit of time in Al-Anon to deal with other people's drinking. One of the concepts is detaching--which doesn't mean cutting the other person off, necessarily, but kind of removing your emotions from the other person for awhile. Your daughter isn't behaving this way to "punish" you, but she may need to space and detachment to protect her own feelings. It's best that you respect that. Most likely it will change with time, but it must be in HER time, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Sally, I don't have the benefit of having subjective experience (I'm not a father). When I look at your posts and think about being the individual who has given alcohol though, I have an opinion.
I think the advice about patience is good. You have your adjusting to do, she has hers.
I don't look at your feelings about being at risk of relapse as necessarily selfish, at least not right now. I am wondering whether I am hearing that you need the response from your daughter as a validation. It's important to be recognized and supported, but when we are giving up alcohol we have to own that achievement on an ongoing basis at our core, independently of what others think or how they behave toward us. So I would wish that you would not feel like there is a relationship of dependency between her reactions to you and your reality as someone who no longer drinks. There shouldn't be a link there. I don't expect you to go 10 years of hearing nothing from her as a necessary consequence, but I am suggesting that you maintain your grip on being happy with your changes (your sobriety and everything you do that keeps it that way every day) and not put IF/THEN statements in the picture. Be you, be sober, but don't let turn into "If I don't have a good outcome, this will affect me and everything I thought I was achieving." What should be there instead is "I am grateful I have what I do and I didn't drink either today; tomorrow I will see the same."
I have probably had an easier time with dealing with these types of emotions because I do not have the same family dynamics and lifestyle that you do. I am pretty well "it" for the most part. A couple of times I had negative emotions about others and their (unsubstantiated) views about my quitting alcohol, and I ranted about it to myself and here. I either avoid them or I am near them in small doses. Sometimes that is lonely for me, but I include the socializing that is going to be good for me, whether that is selfish or not, because I am putting my sobriety at the top. Positive outcomes to interactions with others are always possible, but those are BONUSES in addition to the good that exists because of my attachment to being happy I am sober. The way I try to operate with my life is: my happiness and feeling right and staying sober come first.
It's not the same context as what you have, but there might be something in what I've said that works for you.
I think the advice about patience is good. You have your adjusting to do, she has hers.
I don't look at your feelings about being at risk of relapse as necessarily selfish, at least not right now. I am wondering whether I am hearing that you need the response from your daughter as a validation. It's important to be recognized and supported, but when we are giving up alcohol we have to own that achievement on an ongoing basis at our core, independently of what others think or how they behave toward us. So I would wish that you would not feel like there is a relationship of dependency between her reactions to you and your reality as someone who no longer drinks. There shouldn't be a link there. I don't expect you to go 10 years of hearing nothing from her as a necessary consequence, but I am suggesting that you maintain your grip on being happy with your changes (your sobriety and everything you do that keeps it that way every day) and not put IF/THEN statements in the picture. Be you, be sober, but don't let turn into "If I don't have a good outcome, this will affect me and everything I thought I was achieving." What should be there instead is "I am grateful I have what I do and I didn't drink either today; tomorrow I will see the same."
I have probably had an easier time with dealing with these types of emotions because I do not have the same family dynamics and lifestyle that you do. I am pretty well "it" for the most part. A couple of times I had negative emotions about others and their (unsubstantiated) views about my quitting alcohol, and I ranted about it to myself and here. I either avoid them or I am near them in small doses. Sometimes that is lonely for me, but I include the socializing that is going to be good for me, whether that is selfish or not, because I am putting my sobriety at the top. Positive outcomes to interactions with others are always possible, but those are BONUSES in addition to the good that exists because of my attachment to being happy I am sober. The way I try to operate with my life is: my happiness and feeling right and staying sober come first.
It's not the same context as what you have, but there might be something in what I've said that works for you.
Sally1009
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
Thanks folks. You have certainly given me a lot to think about. I am only too aware of what I have put my kids through - and don't want to give them more pain ever again. I just miss my daughter so much-she lives 200 miles away, and I haven't seen her since April.
I will try and keep things light with her send the little one a Halloween card etc. I just wish she could see how hard I'm trying to get better, and I would prefer if she just let her feelings out so I could know where she hurts and help us both.
I have always been one who believes in honest, calm commumication via open conversation. I don't do silence very well as I start imagining all sorts of horrors.
That's why I had such a good marriage - we never let the sun go down on our anger, never had days of 'non- speaks' ... We never let resentments pile up, and I find it hard tone any other way.
But I have read all your posts very carefully, and will place my faith in your common consensus. I feel a bit reassured to know others have come back from this. I guess I'm just terrified of losing another person I love, but my clingyness will only drive her further away. I must be more patient. And try to find out how to change my sobriety date.
I will try and keep things light with her send the little one a Halloween card etc. I just wish she could see how hard I'm trying to get better, and I would prefer if she just let her feelings out so I could know where she hurts and help us both.
I have always been one who believes in honest, calm commumication via open conversation. I don't do silence very well as I start imagining all sorts of horrors.
That's why I had such a good marriage - we never let the sun go down on our anger, never had days of 'non- speaks' ... We never let resentments pile up, and I find it hard tone any other way.
But I have read all your posts very carefully, and will place my faith in your common consensus. I feel a bit reassured to know others have come back from this. I guess I'm just terrified of losing another person I love, but my clingyness will only drive her further away. I must be more patient. And try to find out how to change my sobriety date.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Sally! As the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself I feel for you and your daughter both. Maybe the reason she is the angriest of your children is because she remembers you sober best....by becoming an alcoholic she may feel a greater sense of anger at the drinking you.
I know I had a hugely problematic co-dependent relationship with my mom that was fueled by her addictions and which certainly fueled my own self destruction. I could only get healthy establishing boundaries and distance with my mom....in fact I had to do that to get sober. It sounds like your daughter is protecting herself and her son in the only way she can. The more my mother fry's to pull me back and cling to me the more resentful I get and the harder I pull away from her. She he's her healing to do and you have yours...they are not dependwent on one another.
I hope that my sharing the way I view your situation through my own experience gives you a new perspective.
Sending love and healing thoughts to you both.
Tina
I know I had a hugely problematic co-dependent relationship with my mom that was fueled by her addictions and which certainly fueled my own self destruction. I could only get healthy establishing boundaries and distance with my mom....in fact I had to do that to get sober. It sounds like your daughter is protecting herself and her son in the only way she can. The more my mother fry's to pull me back and cling to me the more resentful I get and the harder I pull away from her. She he's her healing to do and you have yours...they are not dependwent on one another.
I hope that my sharing the way I view your situation through my own experience gives you a new perspective.
Sending love and healing thoughts to you both.
Tina
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