Babyblue

I always respect the wisdom of those who are recovered, or struggling with the disease because first hand knowledge is best. So I thought I'd post this here. My ABF is scheduled to go to an inpatient treatment facility. I am relieved because he wants to stop drinking and although it will be hard, he feels this is the best thing for him. I agree.

BUT as wonderful as it is, I am nervous. Not for him but for myself. I want to be able to support him but I know I am going to miss him like nuts. Will he be allowed to see people? Will he be discouraged from maintaining a relationship? Will he still want me in his life afterwards? In spite of everything, we actually have a good relationship. I never saw myself as codependent because I had a very full and complete life when he came into it and I was not about to sacrifice my hard work for his addiction. That being said, we are very much in love and I want to support him through this and still work on our relationship.

Any suggestions? Insight? Experiences any of you would like to share with inpatient treatment?

It would help me a great deal.

thank you.

CarolD

Impossible to determine what you are concerned about...IMO

There are too many variables..for instance......
not all facilties have the same rules or plans for treatment/aftercare.
I suggest you read the information they gave him....
or check out their web site.

I do know not all loves are forever. ..people
change....what suited them once...is no longer true.

I did not go to a rehab...instead ..directly to AA.
No...my lover and I did not say together.
We no longer had a connection...I changed he
did not. No big scene or drama.

It's great you have a full life...regardless....
I did then and still do.

While he is away.....you might want to check out your local Alanon
for support and information.
It's a good resource for anyone who loves an alcoholic.

I see you have been posting on our F&F of A
Forum.....that too is a good resorce.

All my best to the two of you

LexieCat

Usually existing, stable, relationships are encouraged. The "standard advice" to most people new to recovery is that they avoid "major changes" in the first year--new relationships, divorce (unless the relationship is actually harmful to recovery), job/career changes. Obviously there are exceptions and times when big changes are appropriate. But a supportive existing relationship can be very good for one's recovery.

A lot of treatment centers have "family days" when family members can visit or go to meetings with the person in treatment. As Carol said, they all have their own policies.

One suggestion: being supportive is one thing, but you gotta be careful not to "micromanage" someone else's recovery. I suggest you not "remind" him to call his sponsor, do his daily meditation, remember to go to his meetings, etc. Understanding that he needs to do those things, though, and not complaining because he is going to a meeting rather than spending time with you, is being supportive.

Babyblue

I have no interest in getting too involved at all. In fact, the idea of babysitting or mothering a grown man is something I've spent my adult life avoiding. One in recovery is no exception. The most I do in terms of support is stay positive when he is down, applaud him when he does something towards his recovery and live my life. I just want him to get well

LexieCat

Sounds like you will be a very good support person.

Keep taking good care of yourself, no matter what.

DayTrader

I dunno.......but I'd recommend getting a copy of the AA book: Alcoholics Anonymous and reading the first 164 pages - and don't skip the chapter "To the Wives"

IF he comes out of rehab successfully, they'll be almost sure to recommend AA for him. Assuming he takes is recovery seriously and goes, he's going to get a LOT of new ideas, new philosophies on life, and he WILL change. I think it's healthy for your relationship if you are involved in that process.

My experience in recovery has been that he'll either go back to being WORSE than he was before or he'll get recovered. There's no happy middle ground and either way, he's going to change....for better or for worse. A lot of "significant others" in your spot can't accept that and choose to move on - and that's ok too....but he will be different. I don't know that I could be serious with anyone that didn't have some sort of basic knowledge of what it is I'm working on and what living the life of a recovered alcoholic entails.

Babyblue

He was involved with AA for a bit. This isn't his first time at this but his most involved attempt at getting better (by going inpatient). I'm really glad that he is going. I know it is the best thing but now I am so sad. Im trying not to show it. But I can't help feel abandoned even though I know it is the best thing he could possibly do. Especially if this relationship is going to stand a fighting chance for anything long term. This is when I have to work hard at detaching. I want to support him but I don't want him to feel bad that I'm going to miss him. I'm pretty confused actually but it is my confusion. I just keep telling myself that the outcome if he doesn't do this is that he may not even be alive. But it is so hard for me right now. I feel pretty alone.