Soberliner

:I would have to write a book to explain how i got to such a screwed up point in my life. How screwed up my parents were with their own issues that rubbed off on their kids and me. I guess MY main issue write know is relationships. I dont know how to have one of any kind except being a boy toy. I've had an in the closet gay relationship with a childhood friend for about 20 yrs. He was everything i thought i needed. he was a party connection, drug dealer, adventures, a good mechanic, dresses up in womens clothes in the closet. I was blind and didn't know any better from my own family. But he he always told me that our sex in the closet was just play. And that if he came out of the closet he would lose his strait friends and drug connections. I was so tormented with wanting to stay with him because he was bigger than life for me. A soulmate. He knew how screwed up my family was. I know now that he took advantage of me for his benefit. I drowned my personality, secrets in alchol and weed. Hopeing that some day he would come clean. He was bisexual as well but with unsuccessful relationships. I screwed up my own way thinking by staying with him for so long. I dont know the real me. I think I,m bisexual like him but dont get along with women. Also because my sister and argued so much doesn't my relationships at all. I feel gay sometimes but i dont want to be a boy toy as that is what ive been with other people ive met. I dont trust anyone. And dought very much that im capable of figureing out who iam and be comfortable enough to tell strait people at work who iam. If i did i dont know how to act. its like a secret i dont know how get rid of, get out of my head. I'm stuck in TIME.

Soberliner

The best anyone can say is good luck. I'm happy that i can put my story online and have it there to look at at different times. Maybe i might get tired of reading it. Get tired of the same O story. Step outside my apt one day and say today i'm ready to begin a new chapter. Understand what that voice in my head has been trying to tell me this whole time. I just gotta learn how to control my own destiny. Being able to control my emotions around people i normaly think are against me. People i think that think i'm not worthy enough. Its a twisted world out there and everyone is worthy of being respected for haveing that twisted life. I'm done hope i can put a success story on here soon...

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for peace

inbloom

Hi Soberliner. Everyone is worthy of respect but the respect needs to start with how we treat ourselves. Being authentic at all times removes the need to try and control the conversation. People are going to think what they do regardless of what you do or say. It takes time to accept so go easy on yourself.

I'm a gay female who is also an executive in a company. I'm also an alcoholic, a passionate gardener, an athlete, a sister, daughter and friend. Being gay is just one facet of who I am. It's not something I could change about myself nor at this point, would I care to. I'm out in my job and always have been. Hiding myself doesn't help anything. It's important to me to lead by example.

Letting people treat you like crap is not about sexuality. It's about being hopeless and broken. Get clean/sober and get some help. Treating yourself with respect makes it virtually impossible for others not to follow. I wish you well.

Soberliner

I woke up this morining realizing that hideing what people see in me only makes it worse. My personality was comprimised by my decisions. I need to accept who iam today. accept what people see in me in order to get experience who i can be tommrow. Thanks inbloom for your help and support.

LexieCat

Welcome, Soberliner,

Glad you're choosing sobriety. Just so you know, there's a forum here specifically for GLBT/Alternative Lifestyles. You might find some helpful stuff there, as well.

Glad you've joined us!