A test?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
A test?
This post is not a poll or anything cool like that. It's the story of a super weird encounter I had last night. It's also a shout out to everyone here at SR. I've learned something good and important from reading your posts. Being here has helped me.
This is a long story, so consider yourself warned. If you just want to read the shout out for SR, skip to the last couple of paragraphs.
Backstory: We have these fairly new neighbors who moved to our little street at the beginning of the new year. At first, they were very quiet and never spoke to anybody. My husband and I were thrilled with them as neighbors since the former residents of that house were drug dealers. For reference, we live in one of those neighborhoods where the houses are about twenty feet apart.
About a month ago, the new people rang our doorbell on a Friday night. I was doing some last minute chores, so my husband answered the door. He came back inside about half an hour later and said they'd come to invite us to their church. In light of last night's events, we've guessed their church is fundamentalist Baptist. Anyway, husband and I passed off the encounter as something we hoped didn't become a habit, but we consoled ourselves that at least they were pleasant.
Last night: My husband I were outside finishing up the lawn work. It was already dark. The Churchpeople (which is what we call them now) returned home from wherever they go on Friday nights and parked in their own driveway. I waved to them and took the trash can containing the lawn trimmings into our privacy fenced backyard. When I came back around to the front of our house, Mrs. Churchpeople was standing in the front yard talking to my husband. She'd already handed my husband some sort of pamphlet.
When she saw me, she started telling me how we needed to come visit them at their church. Husband and I smiled and nodded and thanked her. To our surprise, she dropped the topic pretty quickly and started talking about homeschooling her six kids. Husband and I made more polite noises and asked polite questions.
After a few minutes of that, she turned to me and said, "What about you?"
I just looked at her as though I was puzzled, even though I knew she was asking why I don't have children or when I'm going to have children. I get it very seldom now that I'm in my late 30s, but I'm familiar with the topic. I never know what to say to people, especially strangers. It's such an invasive question and, certainly, none of their business. However, I really do believe people are just making what they think is banal conversation and mean well.
After Mrs. Churchpeople realized I was just going to stand there and look at her, she said, very loudly and clearly, "Why don't you have children?"
I said, "I've had female problems. I'm sterile." Again, I never know what to say when people are so direct.
She sputtered a little bit, and, then, asked me what about this treatment or that treatment.
Simply, and with no further explanation, I answered, "No," to each treatment she suggested. By this time, my warning bells were dinging. This was going pretty far for a conversation with a near stranger. My choice was to push past her and go in my house or just quit talking. I quit talking.
Mr. Churchpeople launched into several stories about women who were in their forties but who were able to have babies anyway. Each story ended with, "And we prayed for her, and she finally got pregnant, and she was so happy."
I said, "Okay," to each story.
After a bit, she quit telling the stories and was quiet for a second. Finally, she said, "So what are your plans?"
I said, in a very firm tone of voice, "I'm not having children."
She sort of wilted. She went off on another topic, but she'd obviously shot her load, and, to my great relief, left a couple of minutes later.
I was sort of in shock. The situation was very uncomfortable. I haven't had anybody probe at me like that since I was in my early 20s. I had no clue how to react to her. Her questions so invasive and inappropriate considering our limited acquaintance.
If I had any grief or unhappiness over my infertility, I think I'd have gone inside and cried. What if my husband and I had exhausted our savings trying to conceive a baby, had been unable to adopt for one reason or another, and now were unhappily childless? At least that's not the case with us. We view it as a happy twist of fate and, certainly, not the end of the world.
We hadn't entertained the idea of attending their church, anyway. If we had, though, I'd sure be hesitant to go there now. I know you can't judge an entire group of people by one oddball, but, if she's an example of the people at that church, I want to stay far, far away.
Aftermath: I was and am so happy and relieved I was able to handle Mrs. Churchperson with patience and kindness. Furthermore, I wasn't even angry. I was a bit puzzled and shook up by the intensity of the encounter, but I wasn't angry at all. Furthermore, I knew I'd handled it well. I hadn't said anything nasty.
Before I started hanging out at SR, I wouldn't have been able to navigate an encounter like that so smoothly. I'd have told Mrs. Churchperson that what I did with my reproductive organs was none of her effing business and that if she didn't get off my property, I'd kick her a$$ up so high she'd look like Quasimodo.
As I fixed our supper and puttered around, I wondered if this was a test from my higher power. Perhaps the situation was to show me I can maintain control over my reactions to people. I don't have to allow them to run over me, but I can be polite and in control. I have the choice to get angry or not. Maybe I'm growing as a person. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to make something positive out of a situation that was very puzzling to me.
Either way, I don't think I'd have done as well without learning a better way of thinking and of living from all my buddies at SR. So thank you guys. Remember: You do help. We are all works in progress, but I think we're moving forward. That is so important.
This is a long story, so consider yourself warned. If you just want to read the shout out for SR, skip to the last couple of paragraphs.
Backstory: We have these fairly new neighbors who moved to our little street at the beginning of the new year. At first, they were very quiet and never spoke to anybody. My husband and I were thrilled with them as neighbors since the former residents of that house were drug dealers. For reference, we live in one of those neighborhoods where the houses are about twenty feet apart.
About a month ago, the new people rang our doorbell on a Friday night. I was doing some last minute chores, so my husband answered the door. He came back inside about half an hour later and said they'd come to invite us to their church. In light of last night's events, we've guessed their church is fundamentalist Baptist. Anyway, husband and I passed off the encounter as something we hoped didn't become a habit, but we consoled ourselves that at least they were pleasant.
Last night: My husband I were outside finishing up the lawn work. It was already dark. The Churchpeople (which is what we call them now) returned home from wherever they go on Friday nights and parked in their own driveway. I waved to them and took the trash can containing the lawn trimmings into our privacy fenced backyard. When I came back around to the front of our house, Mrs. Churchpeople was standing in the front yard talking to my husband. She'd already handed my husband some sort of pamphlet.
When she saw me, she started telling me how we needed to come visit them at their church. Husband and I smiled and nodded and thanked her. To our surprise, she dropped the topic pretty quickly and started talking about homeschooling her six kids. Husband and I made more polite noises and asked polite questions.
After a few minutes of that, she turned to me and said, "What about you?"
I just looked at her as though I was puzzled, even though I knew she was asking why I don't have children or when I'm going to have children. I get it very seldom now that I'm in my late 30s, but I'm familiar with the topic. I never know what to say to people, especially strangers. It's such an invasive question and, certainly, none of their business. However, I really do believe people are just making what they think is banal conversation and mean well.
After Mrs. Churchpeople realized I was just going to stand there and look at her, she said, very loudly and clearly, "Why don't you have children?"
I said, "I've had female problems. I'm sterile." Again, I never know what to say when people are so direct.
She sputtered a little bit, and, then, asked me what about this treatment or that treatment.
Simply, and with no further explanation, I answered, "No," to each treatment she suggested. By this time, my warning bells were dinging. This was going pretty far for a conversation with a near stranger. My choice was to push past her and go in my house or just quit talking. I quit talking.
Mr. Churchpeople launched into several stories about women who were in their forties but who were able to have babies anyway. Each story ended with, "And we prayed for her, and she finally got pregnant, and she was so happy."
I said, "Okay," to each story.
After a bit, she quit telling the stories and was quiet for a second. Finally, she said, "So what are your plans?"
I said, in a very firm tone of voice, "I'm not having children."
She sort of wilted. She went off on another topic, but she'd obviously shot her load, and, to my great relief, left a couple of minutes later.
I was sort of in shock. The situation was very uncomfortable. I haven't had anybody probe at me like that since I was in my early 20s. I had no clue how to react to her. Her questions so invasive and inappropriate considering our limited acquaintance.
If I had any grief or unhappiness over my infertility, I think I'd have gone inside and cried. What if my husband and I had exhausted our savings trying to conceive a baby, had been unable to adopt for one reason or another, and now were unhappily childless? At least that's not the case with us. We view it as a happy twist of fate and, certainly, not the end of the world.
We hadn't entertained the idea of attending their church, anyway. If we had, though, I'd sure be hesitant to go there now. I know you can't judge an entire group of people by one oddball, but, if she's an example of the people at that church, I want to stay far, far away.
Aftermath: I was and am so happy and relieved I was able to handle Mrs. Churchperson with patience and kindness. Furthermore, I wasn't even angry. I was a bit puzzled and shook up by the intensity of the encounter, but I wasn't angry at all. Furthermore, I knew I'd handled it well. I hadn't said anything nasty.
Before I started hanging out at SR, I wouldn't have been able to navigate an encounter like that so smoothly. I'd have told Mrs. Churchperson that what I did with my reproductive organs was none of her effing business and that if she didn't get off my property, I'd kick her a$$ up so high she'd look like Quasimodo.
As I fixed our supper and puttered around, I wondered if this was a test from my higher power. Perhaps the situation was to show me I can maintain control over my reactions to people. I don't have to allow them to run over me, but I can be polite and in control. I have the choice to get angry or not. Maybe I'm growing as a person. I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to make something positive out of a situation that was very puzzling to me.
Either way, I don't think I'd have done as well without learning a better way of thinking and of living from all my buddies at SR. So thank you guys. Remember: You do help. We are all works in progress, but I think we're moving forward. That is so important.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it's great that you handled the encounter with patience and tolerance. I do think, though, you're gonna have to put some thought into what kind of boundaries you want to put in place with these people, unless you want to have these kinds of discussions on a regular basis.
Maybe you and your husband could discuss how to present a united front (lol, not unlike the united front parents have to present to their kids so they can't play one off against the other), so you aren't pushed to the point of less-than-patient-and-tolerant encounters with them. Otherwise I could see them making you a "mission".
I guess religion pushers are less undesirable than drug pushers (hopefully they aren't the type that stockpile guns in the basement) (ooh, sorry, that was snarky), but I think you might want to limit the socializing to a friendly wave from the yard.
Maybe you and your husband could discuss how to present a united front (lol, not unlike the united front parents have to present to their kids so they can't play one off against the other), so you aren't pushed to the point of less-than-patient-and-tolerant encounters with them. Otherwise I could see them making you a "mission".
I guess religion pushers are less undesirable than drug pushers (hopefully they aren't the type that stockpile guns in the basement) (ooh, sorry, that was snarky), but I think you might want to limit the socializing to a friendly wave from the yard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Good for you!!!! now that's tolerance!!! I really can't say I would have done the same...kudos to you my dear!!! xoxox
I don't have children either, and when I get asked that question..I just reply with "why do you HAVE children?? stops the conversation pretty fast!! I just don't appreciate pushy people!!
I don't have children either, and when I get asked that question..I just reply with "why do you HAVE children?? stops the conversation pretty fast!! I just don't appreciate pushy people!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL,
I just realized I was giving advice when I haven't been asked. So much for what *I've* learned.
Seriously, the key thing about your post was that you didn't get angry. I think you've been thinking about that book we're both reading right now. It wouldn't have done you much good to "display" patience and tolerance if you were seething inside and ready to explode when you went into the house.
And I think THAT was your main point, so sorry for the knee-jerk advice-giving.
Ya done good.
I just realized I was giving advice when I haven't been asked. So much for what *I've* learned.
Seriously, the key thing about your post was that you didn't get angry. I think you've been thinking about that book we're both reading right now. It wouldn't have done you much good to "display" patience and tolerance if you were seething inside and ready to explode when you went into the house.
And I think THAT was your main point, so sorry for the knee-jerk advice-giving.
Ya done good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Lexie 1st post -- I do agree with you that we might become these folks' mission. We're going to have to watch that.
As for the guns in the basement, it's funny you should mention that. These people are from California, and I had the whole California stereotype of what they were gong to be like built up in my head. Imagine my utter shock that they turned out to be fundamentalists.
Loveon2Legs -- She got a free pass this time. Next time, she won't take me by surprise, and I'll try out my new counter question on her: "Why are you so concerned about this?"
Suki -- That you feel the same way as I did about the interrogation encourages me that I'm not delusional for being shaken.
Live -- I'll also remember the "confidential" thing as a response. I think it would be shocking enough that they'd back off.
Carol -- The pamphlet Mrs. Churchperson gave my husband was a program for her church. You know, the little leaflet they pass out for Sunday morning services? It was one of those things. If Mrs. Churchperson's odd behavior wasn't enough to convince me I wasn't interested in attending, the Sunday morning program was.
This is not my kind of place.
Lexie 2nd Post -- I thought you had good points, and I wasn't offended that you gave me advice. If you have any thoughts on how to handle another invitation to church, I'd be glad to hear them either here or via PM. I do not want to alienate these people, but I also don't want these "visitations" to become a significant part of my life.
Thanks, by the way, for saying I did good. I was so proud of myself for not being angry, I wanted to have some sort of party over it. This means I can do it.
As for the guns in the basement, it's funny you should mention that. These people are from California, and I had the whole California stereotype of what they were gong to be like built up in my head. Imagine my utter shock that they turned out to be fundamentalists.
Loveon2Legs -- She got a free pass this time. Next time, she won't take me by surprise, and I'll try out my new counter question on her: "Why are you so concerned about this?"
Suki -- That you feel the same way as I did about the interrogation encourages me that I'm not delusional for being shaken.
Live -- I'll also remember the "confidential" thing as a response. I think it would be shocking enough that they'd back off.
Carol -- The pamphlet Mrs. Churchperson gave my husband was a program for her church. You know, the little leaflet they pass out for Sunday morning services? It was one of those things. If Mrs. Churchperson's odd behavior wasn't enough to convince me I wasn't interested in attending, the Sunday morning program was.
This is not my kind of place. Lexie 2nd Post -- I thought you had good points, and I wasn't offended that you gave me advice. If you have any thoughts on how to handle another invitation to church, I'd be glad to hear them either here or via PM. I do not want to alienate these people, but I also don't want these "visitations" to become a significant part of my life.
Thanks, by the way, for saying I did good. I was so proud of myself for not being angry, I wanted to have some sort of party over it. This means I can do it.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I do take that kind of thing as a violation of my boundaries!
For religious purposes I usually go into a long monologue about how I am so glad that we live in a free country where religious rights are protected and I am free to believe or NOT believe as I choose...and I can go on and on and on.
It has prevented those subjected to this speech from returning for a second one.
For religious purposes I usually go into a long monologue about how I am so glad that we live in a free country where religious rights are protected and I am free to believe or NOT believe as I choose...and I can go on and on and on.
It has prevented those subjected to this speech from returning for a second one.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
but...
maybe I might just learn to say "No, thanks."
However in the past if I have become extremely annoyed I have been known to claim to be investigating the beliefs of XXXXXX whatever would seem outrageous to the perpetrator.
I didn't say this was the right thing to do. LOL
maybe I might just learn to say "No, thanks."
However in the past if I have become extremely annoyed I have been known to claim to be investigating the beliefs of XXXXXX whatever would seem outrageous to the perpetrator.
I didn't say this was the right thing to do. LOL
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Live 
However in the past if I have become extremely annoyed I have been known to claim to be investigating the beliefs of XXXXXX whatever would seem outrageous to the perpetrator.
Bad, BAD Lexie!!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
That was a good practice of lots of stuff Dog.... We're not the world's doormats for one but, most importantly you practiced love, tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness where it really counts - in REAL LIFE.
It's easy to do those things online but it's much more difficult and important to do it for real, face to face with one of God's kids. Lord knows what they're "recovering" from - maybe they're living with the belief that the only way they can carry on with life is to live vicariously through kids?
Keep the tools ready......lol.......odds are you'll "get" to use them plenty with these folks.
It's easy to do those things online but it's much more difficult and important to do it for real, face to face with one of God's kids. Lord knows what they're "recovering" from - maybe they're living with the belief that the only way they can carry on with life is to live vicariously through kids?
Keep the tools ready......lol.......odds are you'll "get" to use them plenty with these folks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by lildawg
I was and am so happy and relieved I was able to handle Mrs. Churchperson with patience and kindness.
I wondered if this was a test from my higher power.
I wondered if this was a test from my higher power.
I like the majority of the replies you have received. I have to admit though, DayTraders reply hit the nail on the head as far as my opinion goes.
DayTrader said: "That was a good practice of lots of stuff Dog.... We're not the world's doormats for one but, most importantly you practiced love, tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness where it really counts - in REAL LIFE."
That is the real stuff.
Harry
Last edited by Harry01854; 09-25-2010 at 06:30 PM. Reason: Omitted
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Great job.
I do not have any children by choice. I knew that I could never serve two masters, and, I wanted a career. So, I passed on children.
For me, it was the right decision. I do not for one moment regret not having children.
When other women would ask me why I didn't have any children I said "I decided to leave that up to you, you can have another for me."
I do not have any children by choice. I knew that I could never serve two masters, and, I wanted a career. So, I passed on children.
For me, it was the right decision. I do not for one moment regret not having children.
When other women would ask me why I didn't have any children I said "I decided to leave that up to you, you can have another for me."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 19
I think you did grrrreat
Certianly better than I would have. When someone is treating me like that I tend to get brutally honest. I too, do not have children. I got "spayed" haha several years ago. I personally do not like children and did not want the responsability and that is what I probably would have told that lady. Just because I am a woman does not mean I have to pop out several children to validate that i'm a woman.
I hope my comment is not too snarkey. Still working on better communication/social skills.
I am so greatful this is a spiritual program, not a religious one.
Kudos to you for doing the right thing. I hope that when I am faced with adversity I will handle the situation with grace and dignity like you did.
Certianly better than I would have. When someone is treating me like that I tend to get brutally honest. I too, do not have children. I got "spayed" haha several years ago. I personally do not like children and did not want the responsability and that is what I probably would have told that lady. Just because I am a woman does not mean I have to pop out several children to validate that i'm a woman.
I hope my comment is not too snarkey. Still working on better communication/social skills.
I am so greatful this is a spiritual program, not a religious one.
Kudos to you for doing the right thing. I hope that when I am faced with adversity I will handle the situation with grace and dignity like you did.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
I love all these responses. You guys are saying such kind things to me. I really appreciate it. I'm so happy I found SR. Y'all have made a difference in my life.
DayTrader -- What you said is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. No telling what's gone on in that person's life.
Harry -- You're right. Being able to keep my cool in real life was a step in the right direction. Not the last one, or the biggest one, I am sure.
dollydo -- Hysterical response. I bet you get some open mouths with that one!
Heidiho - As I said in my original post, not having children is a happy twist of fate for me. That means all that it implies.
The reason this was such a big step for me is that normally, I'd have done some version of what you'd do. Then, I'd have worried over it, and felt guilty over it, because, deep down, I'd have known my reaction wasn't really called for. Now, if she comes back over here, I am going to reserve the right to slip away as quickly as possible or to avoid her all together. Like DayTrader mentioned, we don't have to let people run over us to be nice.
Something I realized rather recently (and, obviously, late in life): People aren't out to get me. Socially, they may be acting like a bull in a china cabinet, trampling all over me and everyone they encounter, but I really don't think they're deliberately being poo-poo heads. They probably think they're being friendly, making banal conversation . . . whatever. I'm a blip on their radar, a little fish in the big pond in which they are the big fish. Why waste my energy and why cause myself inner turmoil over something they've forgotten five minutes after it's over?
Better late than never, I guess.
DayTrader -- What you said is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. No telling what's gone on in that person's life.
Harry -- You're right. Being able to keep my cool in real life was a step in the right direction. Not the last one, or the biggest one, I am sure.
dollydo -- Hysterical response. I bet you get some open mouths with that one!
Heidiho - As I said in my original post, not having children is a happy twist of fate for me. That means all that it implies.
The reason this was such a big step for me is that normally, I'd have done some version of what you'd do. Then, I'd have worried over it, and felt guilty over it, because, deep down, I'd have known my reaction wasn't really called for. Now, if she comes back over here, I am going to reserve the right to slip away as quickly as possible or to avoid her all together. Like DayTrader mentioned, we don't have to let people run over us to be nice.
Something I realized rather recently (and, obviously, late in life): People aren't out to get me. Socially, they may be acting like a bull in a china cabinet, trampling all over me and everyone they encounter, but I really don't think they're deliberately being poo-poo heads. They probably think they're being friendly, making banal conversation . . . whatever. I'm a blip on their radar, a little fish in the big pond in which they are the big fish. Why waste my energy and why cause myself inner turmoil over something they've forgotten five minutes after it's over?
Better late than never, I guess.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
lildawg,
Good insight on not taking things personally. LOL, I'm always stressing when someone is in a bad mood or short with me, wondering why they are upset with me, when it probably has NOTHING to do with me. Goes to show how self-centered I am. It's always about ME.
Good insight on not taking things personally. LOL, I'm always stressing when someone is in a bad mood or short with me, wondering why they are upset with me, when it probably has NOTHING to do with me. Goes to show how self-centered I am. It's always about ME.
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