The umpteenth "Day One"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
The umpteenth "Day One"
How many times will it take for me to accept that alcohol is just not a good idea for me?
Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed, but had a very busy day at work. I slugged through it despite an awful hangover. There were times when I thought I was going to puke, and a dull ache nagged my head most of the day.
I have quit many times. I remain sober for anywhere from a week to a couple of months. Last week I was at a conference with my coworkers (BTW, I have been at this job, which I LOVE, for just over a month) and only drank 2 drinks. But when I am alone, as I was Thursday night, it is all too easy for me to overimbibe. I drank last night for the sole purpose of chasing away the remnanats of yesterday's hangover.
I don't want to have another day like that. I like my job way too much. I want to do well, and feeling awful from a hangover is a hindrance to that goal. It is also a hindrance to losing this belly fat that's accumulated in the past year or so of on-again off-again sobriety.
So here I am. I feel good today. I did chores. I ate a healthy lunch. I am going to exercise. And I am going to log on to this site when I start feeling the urge to go buy alcohol. Maybe I'll even go to an AA meeting tonight...
Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed, but had a very busy day at work. I slugged through it despite an awful hangover. There were times when I thought I was going to puke, and a dull ache nagged my head most of the day.
I have quit many times. I remain sober for anywhere from a week to a couple of months. Last week I was at a conference with my coworkers (BTW, I have been at this job, which I LOVE, for just over a month) and only drank 2 drinks. But when I am alone, as I was Thursday night, it is all too easy for me to overimbibe. I drank last night for the sole purpose of chasing away the remnanats of yesterday's hangover.
I don't want to have another day like that. I like my job way too much. I want to do well, and feeling awful from a hangover is a hindrance to that goal. It is also a hindrance to losing this belly fat that's accumulated in the past year or so of on-again off-again sobriety.
So here I am. I feel good today. I did chores. I ate a healthy lunch. I am going to exercise. And I am going to log on to this site when I start feeling the urge to go buy alcohol. Maybe I'll even go to an AA meeting tonight...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Lilac
It was a long journey for me to get to the point of accepting I was an alcoholic....really fundamentally accepting it, not just paying lip service to the idea.
I figure you can do it my way - and lose pretty much everything (including nearly your life) over 20 years, until your butt is kicked so much you have no choice but to accept it...or you can work on accepting the reality now.
That meeting sounds pretty good
D
It was a long journey for me to get to the point of accepting I was an alcoholic....really fundamentally accepting it, not just paying lip service to the idea.
I figure you can do it my way - and lose pretty much everything (including nearly your life) over 20 years, until your butt is kicked so much you have no choice but to accept it...or you can work on accepting the reality now.
That meeting sounds pretty good
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
Hey Lilac,
well you sound good today..and today is what matters. good for you!
can't count my day 1's either - I've given up keeping track of them - and just keep focus on the day I won't ever have to have another day ONE!
hang in there!
well you sound good today..and today is what matters. good for you!
can't count my day 1's either - I've given up keeping track of them - and just keep focus on the day I won't ever have to have another day ONE!
hang in there!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It took me a long time to finally quit drinking.
I sure had many false starts on my way.
I'm glad you are back sharing with us
and seeking a better future for yourself....
I sure had many false starts on my way.
I'm glad you are back sharing with us
and seeking a better future for yourself....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 197
About 5 weeks sober here.
It took me many attempts to work up another head of steam to quit. This is only my second real attempt in 8 years. Longest sober was 3 months.
And every time was different quitting, for i had many small cheap attempts. But this last time when I did it for 3 months I had somewhat different goals in my mind. For instance;
My first time I lifted weights and tried to get on a schedule to do so. I did push myself. I wanted to make gains and I did. but that shouldn't have been my number 1 goal because i failed and got drunk again.
this time around my number 1 goal is simply 'don't drink alcohol.' Seems easy enough right? You put your hand around the bottle or glass and lift it to your mouth and swallow. Well I'm just not going to do that this time. because that's my number 1 goal and its a lot easier than getting big in the gym let me tell you.
Make the easy things the first on your list buddy!
It took me many attempts to work up another head of steam to quit. This is only my second real attempt in 8 years. Longest sober was 3 months.
And every time was different quitting, for i had many small cheap attempts. But this last time when I did it for 3 months I had somewhat different goals in my mind. For instance;
My first time I lifted weights and tried to get on a schedule to do so. I did push myself. I wanted to make gains and I did. but that shouldn't have been my number 1 goal because i failed and got drunk again.
this time around my number 1 goal is simply 'don't drink alcohol.' Seems easy enough right? You put your hand around the bottle or glass and lift it to your mouth and swallow. Well I'm just not going to do that this time. because that's my number 1 goal and its a lot easier than getting big in the gym let me tell you.
Make the easy things the first on your list buddy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Despite doing everything to take care of myself yesterday, I caved. I drank. Boy, did I drink. Now here I sit this morning feeling "cloudy." My head doesn't hurt, but it sure doesn't feel good. My eyelids feel a bit swollen. I want to sleep, but I am pretty sure I am not tired, but I am not sure. I don't feel the worst I have ever felt, but I sure can't function all that well.
Is there something wrong with me that I can't just walk away from vodka? Seriously, that is the one poison with which I am obsessed. Beer: if it's "good" beer, I'll have one or two. Same with wine. Any other liquor smells repugnant to me. But that f-ing vodka and diet 7-up.
I hate myself for doing this to myself. I promptly dumped the remainder of the bottle I bought last night (against my better judgment) and all of the diet 7Up. The only beverage that is in my fridge is sparkling water. Please God, please I want to be sober and live a full life. I want to be healthy. What part of me thinks I don't deserve to be healthy? Why do I keep caving in?
Is there something wrong with me that I can't just walk away from vodka? Seriously, that is the one poison with which I am obsessed. Beer: if it's "good" beer, I'll have one or two. Same with wine. Any other liquor smells repugnant to me. But that f-ing vodka and diet 7-up.
I hate myself for doing this to myself. I promptly dumped the remainder of the bottle I bought last night (against my better judgment) and all of the diet 7Up. The only beverage that is in my fridge is sparkling water. Please God, please I want to be sober and live a full life. I want to be healthy. What part of me thinks I don't deserve to be healthy? Why do I keep caving in?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by lilac0721 
Despite doing everything to take care of myself yesterday, I caved. I drank. Boy, did I drink. Now here I sit this morning feeling "cloudy." My head doesn't hurt, but it sure doesn't feel good. My eyelids feel a bit swollen. I want to sleep, but I am pretty sure I am not tired, but I am not sure. I don't feel the worst I have ever felt, but I sure can't function all that well.
Is there something wrong with me that I can't just walk away from vodka? Seriously, that is the one poison with which I am obsessed. Beer: if it's "good" beer, I'll have one or two. Same with wine. Any other liquor smells repugnant to me. But that f-ing vodka and diet 7-up.
I hate myself for doing this to myself. I promptly dumped the remainder of the bottle I bought last night (against my better judgment) and all of the diet 7Up. The only beverage that is in my fridge is sparkling water. Please God, please I want to be sober and live a full life. I want to be healthy. What part of me thinks I don't deserve to be healthy? Why do I keep caving in?
Is there something wrong with me that I can't just walk away from vodka? Seriously, that is the one poison with which I am obsessed. Beer: if it's "good" beer, I'll have one or two. Same with wine. Any other liquor smells repugnant to me. But that f-ing vodka and diet 7-up.
I hate myself for doing this to myself. I promptly dumped the remainder of the bottle I bought last night (against my better judgment) and all of the diet 7Up. The only beverage that is in my fridge is sparkling water. Please God, please I want to be sober and live a full life. I want to be healthy. What part of me thinks I don't deserve to be healthy? Why do I keep caving in?
You were talking about going to an AA meeting. I'd suggest you do that. Here is a link about what to expect at your first meeting. Go to the meeting, listen to what other people say about their drinking, and see whether you can relate to it. It doesn't matter whether someone went to jail, and you didn't. Listen to what they say about how they felt compelled to drink, even when they didn't want to.
Alcoholism isn't a matter of being stupid, or weak-willed. It is a disease with a predictable course, that gets worse if it is not treated.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, my suggestion is that you go to one TODAY. It is only 10 am in your time zone, it is a Sunday, and there are probably meetings scheduled all day. Google AA in your area. Where in Colorado are you? I have family there, and have been to meetings there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
As I read your response, Lexie, my eyes filled with tears. Why is it so difficult to admit that I am an alcoholic?
I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I NEED HELP.
The only meeting in my town today was at 10 am. I couldn't pull myself together to get there. I think there's a meeting at 6pm about 20 miles away. I have to go. I've been to meetings...in fact I've been in and out of the rooms for over 2 years. Oh, God. Please help me get out of this pit. And STAY OUT.
I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I NEED HELP.
The only meeting in my town today was at 10 am. I couldn't pull myself together to get there. I think there's a meeting at 6pm about 20 miles away. I have to go. I've been to meetings...in fact I've been in and out of the rooms for over 2 years. Oh, God. Please help me get out of this pit. And STAY OUT.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
GO to that meeting 20 miles away. It's worth the trip.
Believe me, the day I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic, it felt extremely weird, but at the same time a peace settled over me. I KNEW what had to be done, and so do you.
Nobody can take the steps (or the Steps) necessary for you to recover, except you. This is the time to go, when you are out of options. Seriously. Look at this as your window of opportunity. Next week you may talk yourself out of it. That's what our heads do.
Plunge in, make the commitment, and throw yourself into this. You never HAVE to feel this way again.
Believe me, the day I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic, it felt extremely weird, but at the same time a peace settled over me. I KNEW what had to be done, and so do you.
Nobody can take the steps (or the Steps) necessary for you to recover, except you. This is the time to go, when you are out of options. Seriously. Look at this as your window of opportunity. Next week you may talk yourself out of it. That's what our heads do.
Plunge in, make the commitment, and throw yourself into this. You never HAVE to feel this way again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
okay, I cave. I am letting the tears flow. I am sobbing, and I am going to get out of this chair and fall to my knees. I have done that before. I pray this time is the last time I have to feel this badly and fall to my knees to ask God for forgiveness and guidance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 16
Hi Lilac,
I too, caved in. Today is my day 2, again. I awoke with still puffy eyes, swollen fingers, tired, foggy, and basically the complete opposite of how I felt before I picked up the first Budweiser -which led to about 12.
I went on my walk this morning with my dog, mostly just walked and didn't think. I'm still foggy. At least I did that though. Off to work and back to SR boards tonight.
Take care of yourself today, and don't pick up, it's not worth the way we both feel today. We can do it, one second at a time.
Junior
I too, caved in. Today is my day 2, again. I awoke with still puffy eyes, swollen fingers, tired, foggy, and basically the complete opposite of how I felt before I picked up the first Budweiser -which led to about 12.
I went on my walk this morning with my dog, mostly just walked and didn't think. I'm still foggy. At least I did that though. Off to work and back to SR boards tonight.
Take care of yourself today, and don't pick up, it's not worth the way we both feel today. We can do it, one second at a time.
Junior
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
Thanks, Junior. I have to go to the office in a little while. Really wish I could just stay home on the couch with a book! Let's both drink lots of water today to flush the poison out of our bodies!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Paris! (that would be nice)
Posts: 20
Hi Lilac,
I wrote a post in the blog section yesterday after having a crazy bender Fri eve through yesterday. I'm in Day 2 - but I've got to admit that my Day 3 is the most difficult for me. That's when the cravings come in somewhere around 7pm as I'm finishing work.
I've been a red wine drinker. But over the last two months it's really been tearing up my stomach ... so of course the logical move was to go to vodka. In any case, I started getting to the point with red wine that it was disgusting me ... and as I put the glass up to my lips my inner self would be screaming "Why are you doing this? It is gross." But I still caved ...
My husband went to a few SMART Recovery meetings and he mentioned one thing to me that stuck with me - most people's triggers are when they are angry, hungry, tired or bored - I would add stressed to that. Wow, that is so me ... especially the hunger thing ... I just can't drink on a full stomach. So that's going to be my weapon for now ... I need to keep my stomach satisfied ... most important around 7pm tomorrow when I'll have cravings.
Please don't be angry at yourself for caving. It happens and when we beat ourselves up it just hinders our ability to forgive ourselves and make things better. What happened yesterday happened ... it's what we do right now that makes the difference.
I wrote a post in the blog section yesterday after having a crazy bender Fri eve through yesterday. I'm in Day 2 - but I've got to admit that my Day 3 is the most difficult for me. That's when the cravings come in somewhere around 7pm as I'm finishing work.
I've been a red wine drinker. But over the last two months it's really been tearing up my stomach ... so of course the logical move was to go to vodka. In any case, I started getting to the point with red wine that it was disgusting me ... and as I put the glass up to my lips my inner self would be screaming "Why are you doing this? It is gross." But I still caved ...
My husband went to a few SMART Recovery meetings and he mentioned one thing to me that stuck with me - most people's triggers are when they are angry, hungry, tired or bored - I would add stressed to that. Wow, that is so me ... especially the hunger thing ... I just can't drink on a full stomach. So that's going to be my weapon for now ... I need to keep my stomach satisfied ... most important around 7pm tomorrow when I'll have cravings.
Please don't be angry at yourself for caving. It happens and when we beat ourselves up it just hinders our ability to forgive ourselves and make things better. What happened yesterday happened ... it's what we do right now that makes the difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Paris! (that would be nice)
Posts: 20
Oh - and speaking of water. I almost drowned myself yesterday ... I drank 9 32oz containers of water. I was so afraid of what I had done to my body I just wanted to flush, flush, flush (literally).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Once a taste of sobriety or
recovery, it definitely screws
up a persons drinking career.
It will never ever be the same
or like it was again.
Many go out and come back into
meetings to alert us that they
thought they could do some
control drinking on their own
to once again fail and need our
help.
Some of those folks never make
it back in sad to say.
However for me, I am grateful
to say ..but for the Grace of my
HP there goes I.....meaning
if i didnt have a recovery program
to follow each day then sure it
would be out still drinking.
Im glad your here.
Some 20 yrs ago my family
stepped in with an intervention
sending me to rehab for 28
days where I picked up the tools
& knowledge of my alcoholism.
I was set on the path with many
traveling the same road learning
to live life one day at a time
following the steps and principles
set down before us thru the
program o Alcoholics Anonymous.
20 yrs. of many one days at
a time collected together to
get me where I am today
recieving the promises stated
to us in the Big Book of AA.
Thoses promises do come
true....some slowly some
quickly.
For me they r still coming true.
They can for each of you too.
recovery, it definitely screws
up a persons drinking career.
It will never ever be the same
or like it was again.
Many go out and come back into
meetings to alert us that they
thought they could do some
control drinking on their own
to once again fail and need our
help.
Some of those folks never make
it back in sad to say.
However for me, I am grateful
to say ..but for the Grace of my
HP there goes I.....meaning
if i didnt have a recovery program
to follow each day then sure it
would be out still drinking.
Im glad your here.
Some 20 yrs ago my family
stepped in with an intervention
sending me to rehab for 28
days where I picked up the tools
& knowledge of my alcoholism.
I was set on the path with many
traveling the same road learning
to live life one day at a time
following the steps and principles
set down before us thru the
program o Alcoholics Anonymous.
20 yrs. of many one days at
a time collected together to
get me where I am today
recieving the promises stated
to us in the Big Book of AA.
Thoses promises do come
true....some slowly some
quickly.
For me they r still coming true.
They can for each of you too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
Originally Posted by lilac0721
How many times will it take for me to accept that alcohol is just not a good idea for me?
Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed, but had a very busy day at work. I slugged through it despite an awful hangover. There were times when I thought I was going to puke, and a dull ache nagged my head most of the day.
I have quit many times. I remain sober for anywhere from a week to a couple of months. Last week I was at a conference with my coworkers (BTW, I have been at this job, which I LOVE, for just over a month) and only drank 2 drinks. But when I am alone, as I was Thursday night, it is all too easy for me to overimbibe. I drank last night for the sole purpose of chasing away the remnanats of yesterday's hangover.
I don't want to have another day like that. I like my job way too much. I want to do well, and feeling awful from a hangover is a hindrance to that goal. It is also a hindrance to losing this belly fat that's accumulated in the past year or so of on-again off-again sobriety.
So here I am. I feel good today. I did chores. I ate a healthy lunch. I am going to exercise. And I am going to log on to this site when I start feeling the urge to go buy alcohol. Maybe I'll even go to an AA meeting tonight...
Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed, but had a very busy day at work. I slugged through it despite an awful hangover. There were times when I thought I was going to puke, and a dull ache nagged my head most of the day.
I have quit many times. I remain sober for anywhere from a week to a couple of months. Last week I was at a conference with my coworkers (BTW, I have been at this job, which I LOVE, for just over a month) and only drank 2 drinks. But when I am alone, as I was Thursday night, it is all too easy for me to overimbibe. I drank last night for the sole purpose of chasing away the remnanats of yesterday's hangover.
I don't want to have another day like that. I like my job way too much. I want to do well, and feeling awful from a hangover is a hindrance to that goal. It is also a hindrance to losing this belly fat that's accumulated in the past year or so of on-again off-again sobriety.
So here I am. I feel good today. I did chores. I ate a healthy lunch. I am going to exercise. And I am going to log on to this site when I start feeling the urge to go buy alcohol. Maybe I'll even go to an AA meeting tonight...
For whatever reason I decided to try AA and it certainly helped me. AA isn't for everyone but I think most people would say that it helps you stay away from the first drink.
I hope you try AA and if it doesn't feel right with your first meeting try a few others until you meet some people that you think can help you. AA is a support group that helps you stay away from the boos. You are doing great by coming in here and being honest. It sounds silly, but you have to be honest with yourself if you want to quit drinking.
I love my life now...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
Originally Posted by Junior33
Hi Lilac,
I too, caved in. Today is my day 2, again. I awoke with still puffy eyes, swollen fingers, tired, foggy, and basically the complete opposite of how I felt before I picked up the first Budweiser -which led to about 12.
I went on my walk this morning with my dog, mostly just walked and didn't think. I'm still foggy. At least I did that though. Off to work and back to SR boards tonight.
Take care of yourself today, and don't pick up, it's not worth the way we both feel today. We can do it, one second at a time.
Junior
I too, caved in. Today is my day 2, again. I awoke with still puffy eyes, swollen fingers, tired, foggy, and basically the complete opposite of how I felt before I picked up the first Budweiser -which led to about 12.
I went on my walk this morning with my dog, mostly just walked and didn't think. I'm still foggy. At least I did that though. Off to work and back to SR boards tonight.
Take care of yourself today, and don't pick up, it's not worth the way we both feel today. We can do it, one second at a time.
Junior
Remember, I was exactly where you are not too long ago. Keep plugging away, if you stop trying to not drink you will drink for a long time to come.
AA is the first thing that helped me. I tried a lot of stuff, too.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I can't count how many day One's I had, but it was too many. I hope you get yourself straightened out and can stay sober. I nearly lost hope of maintaining sobriety but here I am at over nine months, so if I can do it, you can too.
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