skolc

Hey all,
57 days here. Longest time sober since i started drinking as a teenager. While it has been tough in many ways, and will continue to be, i am very happy to be sober right now.
My question is on some others opinions on dating/relationships in early recovery.
In short, i am not trying to actively date and or get involved with someone right now. With that said, if i felt a connection with someone i think it would be hard to just walk away from it. Well, today i had a connection and got a phone number with the idea that we would maybe hang out soon. This was not my plan but it felt right, and safe, and that is where i am at.
My sponsor is not so keen on this. He wants a year, MAYBE, six months of commitment to not date. Go to meetings everyday and hang out with and meet sober men in the program.
i get where he is coming from but to be honest i am still torn in some ways.
thanks

Toronto68

I was talking with somebody else about this general topic on a different board recently. I don't go to AA, but I am familiar with the one-year guideline. I am normally one to want people to follow their instincts (emotional and physical) in romantic matters, because of course I want people to be happy in that regard. But I tend to believe in the guideline. I think there's wisdom behind it because it gives a person time to focus on themselves and do the work they need to do during early sobriety. I am guessing that for most people there is a lot of discovering about oneself to do during this period, and the set of needs and emotions that come with a new relationship or even more casual engagements can take away from the benefits of being on your own for a while. I suppose I wouldn't scream that this is always compulsory for all people, but I buy into the guideline at this stage. There might be people with experience in AA and as sponsors who can tell more.

stugotz

The "no relationships for a year" thing isnt part of AA. Its been developed from rehab programs and such. Examine your motives. If its all good, its all good. Just sayin...

thisisme

Your sponsor is wise.

LexieCat

It isn't a "rule" but dating is a big distraction from recovery, and it can also mess with your head. Not to mention that the other person is getting (in you) someone who is still gathering up their marbles.

LaFemme

I have the same amount of time so I might not be the best person for this subject. I think I have yet to meet a person who has all their issues resolved, so the fact that we are working on ours isn't that big of a deal for me...hey at least we know we have issues to resolve:-)

That said, if you feel weak in your recovery, if you feel like dating Nguyen expose you to temptation, if you feel this person might try and get you to drink (hey, its a social lubricant right?) Then I would say wait.

Otherwise, proceed carefully:-)

DayTrader

agreed

agreed

LOL... I know, those two posts seem opposed and yet I agree with both.

To me, AA has no opinion on "outside issues" and I'd consider dating to be one of those issues. If your motives are good, your head is in the right place, you've talked (prayed/meditated) with the God of your understanding (or mis-understanding as I like to say sometimes ), and your sobriety isn't in jeopardy now matter WHAT happens with this girl then maybe it's a-ok.

On the other hand, you picked your sponsor for a reason right? He (hopefully) knows a thing or two about sobriety and he probably knows more about you than any of use "here."

When my sponsor tells me something I don't like, don't agree with, or want to hear, I usually go asking around to see if he's right or if I'm right. I call it a "recruitment drive." I'm not REALLY looking for an answer.....I'm looking to see if I can round up enough ppl to agree with me so I can go do what I want to regardless of what my sponsor says.

My personal experience and what I've personally witnessed...... it's like Lexie said - generally more harm than good.

HidLid

I wish I had the problem of dating ha, haven't found anyone I've been interested in/been interested in me since I broke up w/ an ex (of 4 years) in April. I think being 24, living with parents and jobless (going to college) pretty much turns me off to every female thats worthwhile. Add to that soon to have a restricted license and I have a trifecta of failure going on. I won't be dating for a long time since I decided to quit drinking, but thats not really my choice haha.

Not that I mind, I enjoy ever part of being single except for the lack of physical contact, but that really only bugged me when drunk/drinking, so now I'm all set!

jamdls

I think the 1 yr guideline is very wise. My first year of sobriety was also my first year of life that I had not had a man in my life...I hadn't been in a long term relationship in several years but I always had a man in my life. I pretty much knew that dating could be my downfall, because either of 2 things were likely
1. The relationship would be great and eventually I would feel comfortable enough to drink with him..
2. The relationship would end badly and I would turn to alcohol to console myself

I believe at least the 1st year of recovery should be spent working on yourself and only yourself.

BullDog777

assuming that you're a decent person and not a trainwreck or have a history of codependence or violence..i think all of this ...wait a year, wait 6 months...whatever is a bunch of BS. You can't hold off life for 6 months or a year. it's gonna happen no matter what. the sooner you learn to live life as it comes the better.

just my 2 cents

poncho

Ah yes here we go again.
I have 25+ years of clean & sober recovery behind me, and this subject gets beat to death regularly.
Your recovery should be paramount in your life, nothing should be allowed to interfere with any part of it.
That being said, my personal experience with dating in my recovery is, I dated and hung out with many recovering lady friends in my first yr. and I still do. I will not date anyone who is not in recovery. (da makes common sense to me) Why would I want anyone that is not working on themselves.
Your recovery is the most important thing in your life, if you dont understand that or believe that stay away from the dating scene until you do get it.
Your sponsor is used for taking you thru the 12 steps of recovery, nothing more and nothing less. YOU determine how they apply to your life, (it's your program) treat your date as you would like to be treated.
Remember you really don't know how to live sober and you want to remain teachable.
Be absolutely honest with your date in all things, Do not make any promises PERIOD,
and double up on your meetings. Try to surround your self with recovering people, dating or socializing.
LET THERE BE NO GOSSIP OR CRITICISM OF EACH OTHER, INSTEAD LET THE JOY AND PEACE OF THE PROGRAM GROW IN YOU ONE DAY AT A TIME.
(GO OUT AND ENJOY YOUR SOBRIETY)