trailrunrbyday

I am almost 38. I am very fit...athletic for sure. I run 2 to 5x/wk. I mountainbike 1 or 2x/wk and kick the rear of many men who ride with me. On my *days off* I hike our local ski hill at 6:00 a.m..I live in the mountains and it takes 35 mins of hard up to get to the top and another 20 mins down. It would surprise all of my friends to know I have this problem. If I want to be honest I have always had a problem with alcohol. It has just progressed. I have also struggled with bulimia(from age 14 to now)...and a possible sex addiction. I am insatiable for the most part.

So here I am. Successful by many measures. Not that I thought I was untouchable by alcoholism but I'm just saying it hasn't ruined me YET. I left a very lucrative career that paid me ridiculously well to live in the mountains and play out my outdoor loving lifestyle but no matter where I go my friend the bottle comes with me. I drink every single day. When working full time I drink starting in the evening as I cook. I cook very very well(have worked as a backcountry ski hut cook) and I love food too. So I figure I deserver a glass of wine while I cook. Typically I drink at least 6 beers or a bottle of wine(on a tame night)....but will usually keep going if there is more. My current job is seasonal so to speak. I work at my son's school doing admin/bkkping but also am an artist(oils/landscape) . Summer means very laxidaisy work hours so now I get to pour my first drink mid afternoon instead of while I make dinner. I go into the yard...hula hoop in the sun and drink sangrias or g&t. I try to feign sobriety whilst I make a great dinner and add another bottle of whine or 6 pack to my roster. Come evening I am blitzed and concentrating on walking a straight line while I make my way to the fridge for more.

I am a very high functioning alcoholic. Alcoholism is present in my family(along with other addictive issues such as overeating). I thought I had a pretty good deal. My life rolls along fine. I get to drink and nobody knows. The problem is that since I moved here my income is very limited and my alcohol budget is now larger than my food budget(my insurance, practically my mortgage...etc. etc. etc.). So financially I am going into debt to drink PLUS I started to notice my feet are super sensitive. Tingling and pins and needles. I know my dad has this thanks to Diabetes but I eat VERY healthily so I started to research what else it could be. Nerve damage from alcoholism turns up. F*ck. AND....I am starting to miss running dates because they start too late(6:00ish) and I am already into the bottle by then. It is worming into everything. PLUS...my body is very fit and strong ( I do yoga on my deck at 6 every morning...and add either a hill hike, a run, a mountainbike or min of 1 hr hard workout daily) but I still have a bit of a jiggle in my mid section.

Alcohol is controlling me. I am afraid to quit because I don't think it is fair that I can never have casual drinks. I don't want to quit because I know that I can't ever drink. I would rather figure out how to scale it back myself and be able to have a glass of wine by the fire...or a shot of warm me up whisky after skinning up the ski hill(does anybody else know how much hard work that is!?!).

Does admitting I am an alcoholic and quitting drinking mean I can never drink at all???? I am drunk now(in case the lengthy post wasn't a clue). I have drank a full bottle of wine...five beers...2 shots of gin and am about to open the next bottle of wine.

I wish I didn't post so long. Nobody will get through this....but if you do, please advise.

Also. I am in a super super super small mountain town in Canada. There are no AA meetings here. If there were I couldn't go because I would know the people there. I need something online. Please help.

I feel like a failure. I feel weak and the more afraid I get, the more I am drinking.

Help.
Kimmie

Dee74

Hi Kimmie
Welcome to SR

Sounds like you realise that things are getting worse...you're wise to take a stand now

You'll find a lot of help and support here - but in case you find it's not enough, I found this link to AA and your area (if I've erred geographically, chalk it up to me being Australian)

AA - BC/Yukon Area 79

I hope you may find you're not as isolated as you may think - I'm not an AAer myself but I recognise the value of face to face support

It's good to have you with us
D

recycle

I was a high functional alcoholic too. Good job, nice house, etc. I battled the whole moderation thing for a dozen years or better, thinking I would somehow be a failure if I could not have beer once in a while. About three years ago I went from a bottle or two of wine after to work kinda guy to a bourbon in my morning coffee kinda guy. It is a surprisingly easy transition. From that time forward it was game on. How much of your life and health are you will to throw away before you make a stand?

Stang

I rank it up there with some people not being able to eat shellfish.

Now there are people born blind, children with cancer, people living under the iron boot of a dictator...ect.

When it comes to life being unfair us drunks are way in the back of the line!

Chops

Firstly, let me address the bold part that I quoted, your post captivated me....so thanks for posting.

I am running to work now but let me just say that admitting I was an alcoholic included the admission that I cannot drink any booze at all. Yep, that was the sad fact for me. It is what actually got me through the first year, swallowing something from AA called the doctor's opinion that told me that once I start I cannot stop, ie. a physically allergy. I could understand that and bought into it completely. Took any dreams about moderation off the table for me.

Glad you posted and I also can understand your predicament regarding location. I recently moved to a former Soviet Republic where meetings are scarce. Thank God for SR.

SR is a great place, many people staying sober different ways, from secular to spiritual from AA to counseling, etc. etc. it runs the entire spectrum.

Again, thanks for your post and please keep coming.

By the way when I stopped at 32 I could not imagine life without booze. 2 years and a few months later I cannot imagine life with booze.

Sobriety for me is not always a walk in the park but its beats being a slave to alcohol.

So my only advice is to stick around here and keep asking for help. :-)

wren

What's that's expression-- "Once a cucumber has become a pickle, it can't go back to being a cucumber".


Anyway... Welcome, Kimmie.

artsoul

Good to have you with us, Kimme! I know the resentment of not being able to have a drink at first. I'm sure that was one reason I tried so hard to moderate and drink like "normal" people. Sometimes I could do it for a week or two, but eventually I found myself drinking more and drinking more often and getting back to my old ways.

It takes a lot of work to be in active addition. I found that alot of my time was spent planning, counting, recovering, and looking forward to that next drink. Right before I got sober 3 months ago, alcohol was the only thing I looked forward to. I finally gave up, and I'm so glad I did (with the help of SR). I had no idea how bad I was really feeling physically, mentally and emotionally.

If you're having some health problems from it and continue to drink, you may not be "functional" for long. Keep reading and posting, OK? We understand where you're coming from.

CarolD

Hmmm...

Let's see....family history....past eating disorder...health problems beginning
daily drinking far more than moderation limits...spending too much to
drink. thus putting your lifestyle at risk...alcohol starting to curtail
your planned activities....

.and yet....you want to reserve your choice to drink in the future.
It was no mistake when you joined us...

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...

NewMe11109

Hi Kimmie -

Welcome to SR. I see myself in your story.

I too came into this whole thing viewing myself as a "high functioning alcoholic". Over time, I have learned that this is not a type of alcoholic, but rather a stage of alcoholism. It is progressive - and a HFA can quickly become a "low bottom drunk".

If you are an alcoholic (and only you can decide that), then you can't drink.

Right now, that may seem like a completely unworkable solution to you, but the reality is that over time - with sobriety and actively working a program of recovery, it gives you your life back.

In your post, I heard sadness, fear, anger, self-disgust -- all things that alcohol contributes to.

Don't beat yourself up over this -- you have a disease, but alas, you won't get the same sympathy from others that a cancer patient would. You will need to do this for you and ignore what other non-alcoholics say if they don't understand.

I've been sober for a while now (I got sober at 38 as well) and I too was very fit (I did long races to convince myself that "I couldn't be an alcoholic") -- but the reality was that when I started drinking, I couldn't stop. I thought about drinking a lot and planned my next drunk. I wasn't honest with myself and my life stagnated.

I hope you feel at home here. And yes, if our brains are wired for addiction, we can have cross-addictions that we have to deal with.

The key is to actively work a program of recovery. Mine is AA + SR + Working with other alcoholics.

Welcome! Keep posting.

Ghostly

Welcome trail.

There are a lot of current and former high functioning alcoholics. I have yet to meet or hear from any alcoholics where moderation worked. It won't. Does that mean you'll never be able to drink again? Up to you.

Sounds like you have a few addiction problems. I think you really could benefit from some face to face help or counseling. Either way welcome to SR. I too read you whole post.

You have some great things going on for you. I thought I would miss so many things abut drinking, but I found ways to enjoy activities without drinking.

You clearly are in great shape but you will never reach your full potential with the amount you drink.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck. I look forward to reading more from you.

pongo

The importance and value of all you have achieved in life pales in the light of your spiritual malady. The fact that you have climbed many mountains while at the same time poisoning yourself is impressive, but it doesn't make the poison acceptable. None of us can talk you into not drinking, but I'll point out that if considering all else you've done, you can definitely do that.

DayTrader

Hey Kimmie. ALL of that rings true with my memory of myself. I was worried about how life would be if I had to quit completely. Honestly, I knew/believed (deluded myself into thinking - actually) that my life was the only normal one. I was convinced I didn't NEED to stop completely.....all I had to do was throttle back. Give that a try. Limit yourself to a couple glasses of wine, a couple beers or a couple drinks per night - no more, no less. If you can do that, you probably don't have a chronic alcohol problem. If you're still able to control it, you may just have an acute alcohol problem.

I recall trying, honestly trying, to scale my drinking down but I'd almost always end up drunk....AGAIN. Even when I WAS able to stay away for a little while, once I started again, it was right back to that same old bs.

I learned when I came into AA that most of the members had jobs and they seemed like decent ppl - they were "regular" guys and gals.

It became apparent to me that once I started drinking I had little or no control over the amount I drank. I almost always ended up drinking more than I intended to. It also became obvious that when I wasn't drinking, it seemed like "life" was always pushing me back - maybe not to get drunk - but maybe just for a little break, a vacation, just to have some fun for a little bit.

So, once I started I couldn't moderate and I always seemed to find a valid enough of a reason to start again. That's alcoholism.

Get the AA book for yourself... read it.....INCLUDING the parts before chapter 1. Read the Dr's Opinion. As you read it, highlight or underline all the parts that you identify with.

As for walking into a meeting and knowing ppl there.... NOT ONE TIME has anyone I knew walked into a meeting that I didn't breath a sigh of relief that they finally got here. Nobody who's in recovery will be shocked that you're there - if you're a real alcoholic, they already know you SHOULD be there. It takes a thief to know a thief. If you're an alcoholic, alcoholics already know you are - they're just hoping you get the courage to do something about it.

Feeling like a failure - feeling like you're weak.... that was the killer for me. Those feelings were way worse the problems specifically created by my drinking. Drinking seemed to help me forget them for a bit but they never went away until I got into recovery. Before long, I didn't WANT to drink again. How's that for a deal....not only will you not need to drink again.....you won't want to.

That's what AA offers... a solution to your drinking problem and a solution to your living problem. Try it on your own if you choose...hopefully that'll work for you. If, however, you find you can't do it on your own...AA will always be there - chock full of ppl who were in the SAME dilemma yet found a way past it. They'll glaaaaaaaadly show you how they did it.

LexieCat

Welcome, Kimmie,

There's not a lot I can add to the comments others have made. I, too, was an outwardly high-functioning alcoholic, and I struggled for four and a half years with "moderating" my drinking following specific advice and guidelines. Although I could control my drinking on an intermittent basis, it always inevitably slipped back into huge quantities, and it was progressively worsening.

I also have what I believe is a bit of nerve damage to my hands and feet as a result of alcohol. It hasn't gone away after two years of sobriety, but I believe if I hadn't stopped when I did, it would have continued to worsen.

I do recommend that you at least make an attempt at moderation, just to convince yourself that it doesn't work. Give it a bit of time, but don't let the "experiment" go on too long. Stay very honest with yourself. I kept thinking that if I just tweaked this or that part of my "plan" a bit I would be successful. I went on far too long.

It's good that you are at least looking at the problem as one that is serious. If you are having physical symptoms like nerve damage, you are most likely doing a lot of damage to your brain and liver as well.

The thing about having a drink "once in awhile" is that, once you are alcoholic, even one drink sets the whole craving thing in motion again, and you wind up right where you started, or worse. I found moderation to be MUCH more difficult, exhausting, and demoralizing than simply stopping altogether. I took alcohol out of the picture entirely, made it not an option under any and all circumstances.

I'll also second what Stang said, in the overall scheme of things, not being able to drink is low on the list of suffering that some people deal with. We have a disease, disorder, whatever you want to call it, that makes us unable to drink without serious/fatal repercussions. But unlike a lot of diseases, it is treatable and manageable as long as we are willing to do what it takes to recover.

Posting here was a good first step in dealing with what you already recognize to be a problem. Keep reading and posting here--there is lots of good information and a lot of people ready and able to answer questions.

LaFemme

Hey Kimmie, yup I read your whole post:-) you sound like an amazing person and just think of how much more amazing you would be if you weren't lugging all that alcohol around with you!

I was also an HFA, working on billion dollar deals even though I needed a glass of wine in the morning to get going...ugh that makes me sick to even write that. After realizing I had a problem I started researching it, initially I was looking for a way to drink in moderation, which I tried over and over again, no luck.

Finally, after a lot of work, I am in a good place and I am excited about living the rest of my life without alcohol.

There are many roads to sobriety, you can learn so much here at SR, its an amazing site. I look forward to seeing more posts from you.

Btw, I'm also an oil painter, quit the high profile job a couple years back. And maybe we should have an SR recipe swap, I'm looking for something to do with my bumper crop of basil:-)

GettingStronger2

Trail, I can completely relate. When I realized I had to quit, not take a break or slow down, but quit, one of the hardest things for me to swallow was that I could never, ever drink casually again. I used to enjoy that. But I could not control it, it controlled me. I know that if I allow myself the luxur of having a glass of wine in the evening (one glass sounded so good to me last night after I go the kids to bed!), I will quickly be where I was when I stopped.

Alcoholics just don't have the ability to drink casually. If we did, we would not be alcoholics.

I admire you coming here and posting. . .and I read your whole post. . .

flutter

When I first got sober, I felt the same way. "It's not fair that I can't drink" when I'd see people drinking at sporting events, when my husband would go for a few beers with friends.. and honestly I don't know how you get over that other than time, and recovery. I've been sober for almost 20 months now, and I look back on that old me, and I feel pity. Pity that I was so narrow minded, and sick frankly, that I honestly thought alcohol was that important. That even though it was threatening to kill me and anything important in my life, that I still wanted a romance with it. That I had never learned other wonderful and healthy ways to celebrate, nurse grief, help me relax, live life. With some time away from the bottle, some therapy with someone who knew what they were doing, and a committment to never drink again.. I found beautiful new ways to experience my life, to reward my accomplishments, to help with hard feelings, etc. Now instead of thinking "poor me I can't drink", it's more "I love that I don't have to drink." in whatever situation it is.

I guess that's a really long way of saying I totally understand how you are feeling, and seriously, you'll come out of this on the other end and feel bad for people that are 'stuck' like you're feeling right now, because there's SO much more.

Also, side note.. I seriously don't buy the HFA crap. I said that for a long time.. I wasn't functioning, I was surviving. I was lying, I was medicating, I was numbing my life away. That is not a level of functioning I would ever consider 'high'..Granted, I wasn't in a gutter with a bottle to my mouth at the end, but I may as well have been... I was so close to death I had absolutely no idea.

LaFemme

I was goin to quote Flutters point about HFA because I think its really important, but sometimes quotin is hard to do from my phone.

A lot of us, myself included, like to call ourselves Functional or Highly Functional Alcoholics. As flutter points out just because we aren't lying in the gutter doesn't make us any different than the guy who is. We aren't the special alcoholics, although we are maybe a little lucky, luck doesn't make us special.

Sorry about hijackin the thread, maybe need to start a thread on this topic:-)

Phillips

Kimmie, I too read your post all through, thank you.

Hope you're getting on ok.